aro_elise

Whew, I can relate to this a lot.  People thinking it's acceptable to blow off their friends irritates me a lot.  My first long-term girlfriend regularly criticized me for not blowing off my friends to be with her instead, and I told her that was a shitty thing for her to ask me to do, but she maintained it was not.  It's frustrating that mistreating friends is normalized.

I think I'm out of questions for now, but this has been great.  Feel free to contact me any time if you want to talk.  There have been some interesting conversations on Tumblr lately about the intersection of aromanticism and polyamory, though I think a lot of it would just be really obvious to you.

Just wanted to say to both of you that I really enjoyed reading this conversation . Good questions from @Eklinaar and interesting and thoughtful responses from @aro_elise.

thanks, both of you.  (ahh i haven't been on in a while!)  i've enjoyed it, too.  i do follow a few aro blogs on tumblr.

ahh it happened again.  when i texted to confirm my most recent date i got no response.  like based on this it sounds like i'm doing something wrongly, right?  

Well, I can't speak to that myself, except to say a man's interest is all or none. You can't blame yourself because it's not something you can control.

May I ask why you're taking these disappointments so badly, and what exactly were you expecting to get from these encounters had they happened?

i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't mean to sound critical of me when it's clearly the other people who behaved rudely.  i believe i take rejection better than the vast majority of people--for instance, if i asked someone to do something with me and they said no, i would accept it without a second thought--but to say yes, even to be the one to ask me, to show enthusiasm, to make the commitment, and then disappear without a trace, is simply rude.  four people in a row (one was a woman btw).  the point isn't that the planned activities didn't happen, but that they were planned.  again, if you don't want to do something, don't suggest/agree to it.  if you do and then change your mind, text me.  i'm not in deep distress lol but i am disappointed by the seemingly universal lack of basic manners and i don't think that makes me unreasonable.  my friends agree.  and i certainly don't blame myself.  now i've said everything about it that i'd like to, and more.

kurtis conner

@aro_elise That guy! I forgot about him. Gotta watch him now! He’s rocking that mullet look too Oh Yeah! 

i discovered him recently.  he's cute af and i love his personality and views, absolute king.  my favourite will always be dan howell though.

i've been coming up with all these ideas, like taking a private tennis lesson with him, but i'm like, do i really want to start off by sweating, demonstrating my inferior skills, and paying him?  no.  i figure i'll just make conversation, eventually tell him i think he's cute, and then if it doesn't work out, just not be seen in this town for a couple years. ?  for now i can practice with guys at home, where i can just disappear into the millions of people--the exact opposite situation to this one.  props to you for going for it.

Aw, I think doing a tennis lesson with him would be great! It's fun to do an activity with someone and end up equally exhausted and embarrassed lmfao

aha i'll think about it, maybe i can rope my friend into joining in, you know, moral support.

That's surprisingly rare tbh, most aren't educated on that subject at all. XD

i know!  he's bi, maybe that has something to do with it?  actually relatively recently i had a similarly chill experience, it was a group of people, some guy asked everyone like "how important to you is sex in a relationship?" and of course that didn't make sense to me, i was like "i wouldn't be in a relationship" and this girl asked me "are you ace?" and i replied "aro" and she said "cool" and that was it.  she's also bi.

Yeah, I guess that’s a common thing. Often whenever someone is lgbtq they tend to know a lot more than others. I mean I’ve told a couple of my friends my concerns. My friend has 2 kids who I’m like 90% sure are both bi. I forgot the rest of the specifics but the other kid in my friend group might be aro himself. :D

I hope it goes well! Have a good time

thanks :)

Have fun!! I'm crossing my fingers for you 🤞 (I'm not sure if it's the right emoji help)

Hm, weird. Maybe she wants to do couple-related activities, like double-dates or something? I’m just guessing here… You could argue you are in a happy, healthy relationship with yourself though ;)

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Maybe she wants to do couple-related activities, like double-dates or something? 

wow, you're more positive than me. my thought was 'oh shit, pyramid scheme'. like she was targetting 'successful' women with husband's money to throw at stuff, but with a safe sounding post.

maybe thats just my cynicism towards local facebook  groups though.

we all have different theories.  mine is that she considers an amatonormative relationship a prerequisite for "success".  and i don't even think she considered the possibility of being happily without one; i think the alternatives in her mind are unstable or non-committed relationships.  

Newbie question: What's the best and safest way to find a FWB? And how long do you wait before deciding to have sex?

A little weekend vacation sure sounds nice....

@MulticulturalFarmer just noticed this.  i'm not sure there's a best way, and as for the other question, whatever works for the people involved.  i've only had one fwb, from tinder, classic.  we had sex on the first "date" or whatever you want to call it--we didn't know then whether we'd continue to see each other (and i've had hookups where we didn't) but obviously in this case we did.  when we're comfortable with each other and want it, i figure why wait, but everyone's different.  mutual attraction with an existing friend could also lead to adding a sexual component to the relationship, but i can see where that might be more high-stakes.  i mean, the same ways you meet people to date--pretty much anywhere--just be clear about what you're looking for.

It's good that you have friends like that. I think it's really important to recognise that we can't do everything by ourselves (actually, it may be unhealthy to tell ourselves that we can, particularly when trying to make positive changes in our lives to do with breaking old habits?) and to feel able to ask for support from other people. Even (especially?) when it feels awkward to do it.

Now I just need to try taking my own advice there more, hah.

thanks.  i remind myself that if i ever want to start seeing a therapist again, find one.  i do tend to wait until the damage is done rather than take precautions to prevent it in the first place but i'm working on it.  good luck to you too.

I reckon it takes a bit of practice to pick up on things earlier, before they get out of hand. A bit like keeping your balance on a tightrope or slack line (I was trying this the other day, lol). At first you make a few big movements and fall off a lot; but if you can learn to make a lot of smaller, more frequent corrections, you keep your balance better (random analogy, but maybe it helps?)

I'm doing better recently, actually. Made myself get out of the house more to interact with people. It helps.

Relatable.

haha right, i'm just thinking about him a lot, but if i try to think about anything romantic with him (or anyone) i'm like, ew no.

I know what you mean. Happens to me when I have a squish or sexual crush sometimes (thinking about someone a lot but well, without romantic feelings).

That does sound cool. You should report back to us re. what gets discussed if you do go! 

I'd love to hear how it was, too. Sounds great, if you go: have fun!

Awesome! Hope it goes well :D

Happy Birthday! ????

thanks!  i was also born on a tuesday, may 26th.

That sucks, being an adult can be fun but stuff like this makes me feel old :(

Man I hope limiting it helps a bit, that sucks 

Happy Palentine's to you and your bestie! 🌷

thanks!

Ah yes, my friends spare me their romantic talk too, so when we get together as a group and they talk about their romantic life I just sit there like ???

relatable!  once when we were with a couple other friends (who don't know i'm aro) talking about the guy one of them's dating i said quietly to my best friend "it's like you're speaking a different language".  just so boring and confusing lol but i'm sure not everything i talk about is interesting to everyone either.  

relatable 

my best friend went on a couple dates with this guy and slept with him and then he said he didn't want to keep seeing her and she was telling me about her feelings about it, saying she can't separate her romantic and sexual attraction.  she knows how puzzling that is to me.

last year i went with my friend and her uni friends, one of whom is actually aro, but this year she's going with her family, and again, i don't want to antagonize my new employer.  it's chill, though, i don't mind not going every year.

im greyro and love helping questioning people so if you want to hmu and i'll try to explain what romantic attraction feels like and you can see if you relate and if this is really a crush

oh no, i know it's not, he's just really cute and, you know, amatonormativity gets to me, but then i think about being romantic with him and i'm like, ew no.  same thing every time i'm sexually attracted to a guy and i also want to hang out with him.  but i'm as aro as they come.

I hope it was a good experience otherwise.  I'd say that's a good sign of where to create some boundaries.

It was fine.  We agreed not to be sexually involved anymore—stuff’s just too complicated between us, we’re good as friends.  But with future partners, yeah, establishing that stuff will be important. 

That's awesome! I'll also be moving with my best friend in a couple of months and super excited.

Ah that is so awkward… She probably just wants to vent but I also find it hard to say anything in a situation like that.

Awesome!

nothing to see here, just a garden variety aro

Nice!

what wholesome aro content