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Everything posted by nyusik

  1. Thank you so much, Aronaut and Mell, for responding, and everyone else too. I'm relieved to see there are other people with similar experiences. Like you, I feel like I'm chasing a dream, and also enjoy flirting, getting to know each other and the stage right before it gets serious. I am now pursuing open relationships and outed myself as aromantic and poly, in hope of finding relationships that can fulfill me. I had to break up with my girlfriend because she couldn't stand the thought of me being committed to other people as well. I found out there's a part of me that's like a stray cat - terrified and scarred of vulnerability - so I need a lot of time to get close to someone. But this is fine. I can work with this. I just need to be kinder to myself and accept things as they are - not my fault. I will continue looking into my needs and wants and find out more about myself, so I can build a future and relationships that make me feel happy and safe. Other than you though, I can't stand tragedy at all. Whereas I absolutely understand your point of view, it absolutely breaks me if there's a couple that's meant to be together, that's so well written they each have a life on their own in your mind, and one of them dies or they need to break up. Fantasy is my safe haven, and seeing people I grow to love (even if they're fictional) getting hurt just tears me apart lol. I'm just a little sensitive I guess. Anyway, all of that is just personal preference and while I understand how you might think you like the genre because you just can't grasp a happy ending for yourself (there might be some truth to that also) all in all if tragedy just seems more realistic and enjoyable to you, it's a personal preference. And again, thank you Mell for your response. I'm glad it resonated with you. Although I'm very sorry you had to go through this experience with your best friend, but at least you learned something from it. I hope your relationship is healing and she comes to understand you and your feelings after coming out, so she doesn't take it personally. I have heard and looked into the term "lithromantic" before, and whereas I can identify with it, I experience it the same way as you do: I question if I really am aromantic, I mourn relationships that could have been if my feelings had never left, so the label doesn't satisfy me at all. I wish all the best to you and the others, and that you get to know yourself more on your journey so that all of you can find what fulfills you and gives you purpose.
  2. Hello lovely people. I'm a bit at a loss. All of my past relationships (and my current one) failed, and are failing, because after a month max I cannot stand being romantic with a partner anymore. The longest relationship I had was 7 months, and half of that time I was dissociated and dismissive. I feel so alienated because I used to think this was because of my trauma and BPD, but other people with these issues who I know don't have this experience, and it feels very lonely. I barely experience the "pull" part in my relationships with BPD, mainly push, avoidance and disgust of (emotional) intimacy. The thought of being in a romantic relationship becomes unbearable, I feel trapped. I thought this was because I was a lesbian and I used to date men - but it hasn't changed, even my sexual attraction fluctuates (but I do identify as an allosexual lesbian). I used to have crushes as a child, but as soon as they were reciprocated, I felt disgusted and physically repulsed. After my idealisation phase of a person which can last up to a month, I can't stand being exclusive anymore. This is a big deal because I crave a romantic relationship for some reason. I consume tons of romantic media, mainly wholesome fanfiction. My favorite trope is found family, settling down and all that cheesy crap. But as soon I try to make those things happen for me, I can't stand it. I get physically repulsed, anxious, and nauseous when I think of my partner coming to me, all smiley and happy and giving me kisses (I'm not against kisses per se, but the context makes it literally hard to breathe). The only relationship that felt the closest to my dream so far is my QPR with my best friend - we've been "together" for 2 or 3 years now, and I love them to death; they're my soulmate. But my needs are not completely met in this relationship, as for them, they also pursue romantic relationships. (We're both gay but... on opposite ends lmao) I want to move in with them, but not raise adopted kids together (which I would like at some point). Although I just can't imagine having a girlfriend and being committed to her only, so I assume I'm polyamorous. My current girlfriend might agree to opening our relationship, and maybe it will ease my anxiety, but my issue is that I feel so broken and alone in this. Has anyone else had a similar experience and please respond? I honestly wish I was just "normal".
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