Hello lovely people.
I'm a bit at a loss. All of my past relationships (and my current one) failed, and are failing, because after a month max I cannot stand being romantic with a partner anymore. The longest relationship I had was 7 months, and half of that time I was dissociated and dismissive. I feel so alienated because I used to think this was because of my trauma and BPD, but other people with these issues who I know don't have this experience, and it feels very lonely. I barely experience the "pull" part in my relationships with BPD, mainly push, avoidance and disgust of (emotional) intimacy. The thought of being in a romantic relationship becomes unbearable, I feel trapped. I thought this was because I was a lesbian and I used to date men - but it hasn't changed, even my sexual attraction fluctuates (but I do identify as an allosexual lesbian).
I used to have crushes as a child, but as soon as they were reciprocated, I felt disgusted and physically repulsed. After my idealisation phase of a person which can last up to a month, I can't stand being exclusive anymore.
This is a big deal because I crave a romantic relationship for some reason. I consume tons of romantic media, mainly wholesome fanfiction. My favorite trope is found family, settling down and all that cheesy crap. But as soon I try to make those things happen for me, I can't stand it. I get physically repulsed, anxious, and nauseous when I think of my partner coming to me, all smiley and happy and giving me kisses (I'm not against kisses per se, but the context makes it literally hard to breathe).
The only relationship that felt the closest to my dream so far is my QPR with my best friend - we've been "together" for 2 or 3 years now, and I love them to death; they're my soulmate. But my needs are not completely met in this relationship, as for them, they also pursue romantic relationships. (We're both gay but... on opposite ends lmao) I want to move in with them, but not raise adopted kids together (which I would like at some point). Although I just can't imagine having a girlfriend and being committed to her only, so I assume I'm polyamorous.
My current girlfriend might agree to opening our relationship, and maybe it will ease my anxiety, but my issue is that I feel so broken and alone in this. Has anyone else had a similar experience and please respond? I honestly wish I was just "normal".