Aronaut

I think I can relate to this a little. I saw a woman, all clad in black, with colourful tattoos all over her body, she wore coloured sun glasses, has shoulder length red hair that was permed. She wore black leather platoon boots and walked across the street where I stopped my car to let her pass. She cocked her head in my direction and gave me that savvy smile that was less a thanks but her acknowledging the obvious for letting her pass. I know nothing about her, but I think I felt a deep attraction towards the confidence she had. It was far from sexual attraction. I thought it would be cool to have such a friend, I also thought it would be cool to be like her, and I also thought it was good I lost sight of her because now she would be forever that confident and suave woman in my memories.

I feel you, nyusik! You are not alone =) I feel like I am looking for a dream tbh. I don't know about others, but in my mind there is this one person that I feel like I can love unconditionally, so I am looking for that person, maybe a soul mate. But whenever I get into a relationship, it dies down the moment the other person start to get romantically or sexually interested in me (emotional, too). I am usually very open and I would say I am not touchy feely or a person who gets physically close but I always open up my mind towards friends fast... all but 'romantic interests'. The moment I get the feeling that someone might be romantically interested in me, I feel stressed out as if I have been chased. But strangely I do like the moment before it gets 'serious'. I like the moment of getting to know each other, the exchange of ideas and finding out who the other person is. I am very interested in another person until they start to develop feelings for me. My best relationship was a distance relationship that we kept open. We started as fwb/f+. I felt the least bit stressed by that. If it's the emotional aspect that tires you out, maybe look for someone you can meet up casually, someone who is not looking for a serious relationship. There are things to talk about in such casual meetups as well and there is also a small amount of closeness, but it is much less suffocating in my experience and if you are not in the mood, the other person should be understanding (if they are not a sex maniac). Similar to you, I do read very many books about love (all genders) and others. Although some bore me quickly, I do feel like it is something pursuable for a moment, like 'I would like this too'. But then, when some 'impossible/sky shattering love' happens I get the 'Shakespear-Moment' where I think: How did all of this lead to a Happy Ending? It should all actually end in tragedy, this does not make sense, it feels like this relationship is forced (especially when there is a completely good and sane second lead who is - let's be honest - 1000 times better than the lead interest). That's why I do like to read tragedies (not to the very end bc I know they would force it to a happy end somehow). I just cannot understand how it all concluded sometimes - I would rather wish for bad ends. It's strange, right? Am I projecting my inner self on others? Or am I just salty I don't get a normal relationship so I don't see it for others? I have a peculiar childhood as well and I always thought it was the way I grew up that I am slightly different than others in view of romance (I sometimes think my whole family is aro lol). But apparently I met a few people who almost have the same childhood as me and everyone was pursuing a relationship and some are doing very well, so I don't know what kinda magic they worked. I just know that I love my friends and I really had the same thought as you sometimes: that it would be nice to just have a bunch of friends, one or two, that will be there when I grow old. In my mind that's perfectly normal. I see no problem with the way I am thinking. I've seen so many break up in my circle of 'normal' friends. Whether they are gay or not, it is mostly an ugly affair. I don't know, would you call that normal? Is that the normal way, when love falls out? I wonder? What is normal and what is not, I have come to question it. I have never been in a serious relationship where I have been talking about marriage or children so I guess I cannot understand the feelings they had for each other. Don't feel that there is something wrong with you. But I do encourage you to find out more about yourself, your needs and your preferences and to tell them to the other person. Some might not understand but some may and one day you might find someone or you will know yourself well enought to be able to fill that gap on your own. I am currently on a quest to find out more about myself too, and I also started to come out to my close friends. I feel less burdened by my inability to love now and I also feel proud that I am doing well until now without a spouse or another person. Not saying to go out there and start relationships meaninglessly, but don't stress yourself. It all comes naturally, even if it doesn't come, that's also something that takes time. In my case, I tell myself that the experience I had was also a kind of heartbreak - although short, I also went through the notions of a relationship in my own way; and one day you will also accumulate enough meet ups, break ups and heart break to accept that you can say: been there, done that. The important thing is to not make yourself do something you are not willing to do. Only do it if you are interested in. And talk openly to the other person. Communication will help the other person see where you are coming from and will help you get more confidence. It might take time, but take one step after another. A good story isn't written in just a few sentences - there are problems and there are challenges to overcome. Life is trial and error.

I came upon the word Sapiosexuality (for intellectual attraction), but I don't really know what to think of that one since it's usage seems so willy-nilly sometimes. I can't take it seriously when someone wants to use it as a sexual orientation because I can't tell if they meant it as a joke or not (no offence meant). There are articles that call this one pretentious and others that do take it seriously since intelligence is an aspect humans take into consideration when looking for a spouse. I think there was a spike in the usage of this world during the height of The Big Bang Theory :D That's why I take it with a grain of salt, because many who used it were fans and not truly commited to it or understood this as a real sexuality. I don't know if this word has been acknowledged by the lgbt++ community. This is the only one I can remember right now... the others are more on a Philia spectrum.

Those might have been mentioned one way or another but... YMBAI you have friends you would die for but have never once thought you would even break a bone for someone you are dating (you want to grow old with some of your friends but never with a potential crush/lover) if asked the question who is more important, you always chose a friend over a person you are dating, with the excuse of 'bros before hoes' (this also include spending time/effort with/on friends rather than the person you're supposed to date) you have a reason not to date someone depending on the 'zone' they are in, e.g. 'I don't date friends, colleagues, strangers, friend's exes, friend's friends, someone who someone I know have a crush on or used to have a crush on, ppl with cats (I am allergic to cats, but I LOVE CATS). . . older people, younger people, ppl who are too busy, ppl who aren't busy, someone too far away, etc... you will always find a reason why dating them seems wrong you once assumed you were gay/antisocial/too busy to date/too ugly to date/too tired to date/too young or too old to date/just weren't made for that embarrassing stuff regarding age: when you were young you thought love is just too big to understand or fathom; and when you get older you told youself you were just too old to feel those butterflies in your stomach or behave like a teenager in love and it is time to look for a spouse who walks the future with you in a conscience manner and not make your head go numb with feelings; in the end you just wonder why love has never paid you a visit as it does with others your so called crushes were 'coincidentally' the guys every girl was talking about and now you can't even tell how they looked like or what their names are; you cannot remember one trait that made them special to you (you were also not sad when those guys got into a relationship with someone else; you just decided on a next target) you get sad and scared when someone interesting you just met started to have a certain look at you or ask if you are single (and everytime you make a new personal record at running away) the longest relationship you could uphold was a distance relationship where you met twice a year and never phoned each other you don't understand why people look for a partner when they are lonely or why they are devastated when it doesn't work out (in your opinion dating just takes away quality time to do something more important) you are sure you guys would break up even before you start the relationship, also, you delay calling the thing you guys have a 'relationship' for as long as possible or until the other person gives up on you your only legit crush and admiration was towards Dean Winchester whom you would marry in an instant because he seemed super chill and super fun to be with - being with him would be like being with a bestie - and he would be AWAY ALL YEAR ROUND FIGHTING MONSTERS AND SAVE THE WORLD or just run after his brother and have no time for you (also you stopped crushing immediately when you saw how well matched he was with that cute angel Castiel LOL and it made you even happier to cheer them on!) This thread in particular brought me lots of joy, because it felt so close to home reading all the answers ?

This is confusing. But I do understand where all the aspects come from. There are words and slangs that are hurtful to a certain group of people and no matter how small it is, they should be considered and no matter if the word is taken out of context or being used solemny (see picking up the soap), it shouldn't be used bc it will always recall the trauma for the victims involved (for example the french queer community). If it's just nitpicking (Avon community) then I won't even take that seriously to be honest. By definition through Google: "Allo- comes from Greek állos, meaning “other.” This word's distant cousins in Latin, alius and alter, which have similar definitions, give us words such as alien and alternative. The opposite of allo- is the form auto-, from Greek autós, “self.”" For someone like me who doesn't have all vocabs in place I find this word really confusing... I'm sorry. To what I have been made believe, having sexual urges or needs are kinda natural to the vast population (althought I am not sure now lol) - should it even be called 'other'? At least I can see why the French call their queer community allo-... they made more sense? What about using sex-positive? Or is that not possible because of the sex positive movement? (Asking because I've seen this being used often while mingling in the ace community)

Oh, no no. I am not referring to the homosexual community here. I am referring to... hmm... I guess we can call them white cis male, although I am not sure if that’s correct either. The common straight white male. But I guess most of them wouldn’t even know such words exist in the first place (?). I am just assuming here. I guess if they know there is a term for them they might not want it. It’s just that some people do not want to be included in anything remotely against their beliefs. And some people don’t even think there is another way of life other than their own. I had men not believing me when I said I wasn’t into sex. Or relationship. They assumed I was playing coy. Or they straight asked me if I had bad experience with other men - as if that’s their problem to solve. That’s why I made that comparison. Not all men are like that. And there are also women who wouldn’t understand. That’s how I feel my life right now ?

Very interesting topic for a newcomer like me. May I ask a question? Who exactly asked to remove that label? Was it an allo person? Ace? Any of the other identities? I always assumed (I’m sorry for the nativity) if I say I’m aroace, that means I’m neither inclined to romance nor sex. And if I say I am aro, that means I am inclined or at least willing to have sex. (I have never used any term for myself apart from being ‘straight’ before I start to doubt myself; and I used that word very rarely; only when people asked me directly for my sexuality). So having so many to chose from might really be overwhelming and I think sometimes not using any would do the trick as well. For example: not using aro would automatically means you are romantic (oh god, is that the right counterpart to aro??). Thinking further down the lane, there is one option where I can imagine the use of allo in context to aro: which is when an aroace person is in a relationship with a partner, has sex and says: I am not not aro allo, but we have sex. That means you have sex because it is important to your partner and you’re making a concession for whatever sake there is. In this case it sounds a little like a cry for help in my ears *cough*. On the other hand, saying I’m aroace but I have sex for the sake of my partner is also an option and sounds less confusing. Back to my question: if the person or group who do not want the usage of allo is the allo group itself, it reminds me a little of the ‘white people’ premise where the obvious does not want to be called out. It’s like they have been in their bubble for too long to acknowledge that they too belongs to some sort of group instead of reigning supreme and being the norm. if it’s one of the lgbt++ community, then well, might as well consider it if there is a consensus since I feel like nothing is set in stone yet and more and more definitions and micro groups emerge day after day (I encountered so many groups in a short amount of time that I barely dare to use any term recklessly now because I really do get confused all day long). I think just because something is used today doesn’t mean it has to be used tomorrow when there is solid reason not to. It just depends on who the one offended is.

Hello everyone, I wonder how much I am supposed to write here? I'm a baggage of personal problems and contradictions... so I will try to keep it short. I'm very new to the word 'Aro'. To be honest, until a few days ago I have never heard of it. And if I had heard it before, I might not have felt anything towards it (at least not until I failed at my current relationship - if I could call it that). I did not identify with any community until recently (mostly because no description has fit me well enough until now, which actually makes sense since most of them revolved around sex, romance and partnership). I have been thinking I am ace; aego to be precise. I also believed I have some mild kind of ASPD (now I am unsure as well). So you see, the question of my sexuality has been treated as a minor problem by me, since I thought I was 'just' straight while being too unsociable to actually get into a normal relationship. Which is weird since I don't have problems making contact with others and I think I am good with communication over all. I am unsure if I wasn't capable of love and romance because of the way I have lived my life until now (and the influence I received) or if I have always been this way. I want to find a common ground with my self or at least start to organize my life and instead of doing what I am supposed to do, finally do things my way and the way I see fit. Just recently, I started to emerge from a long time of self depreciation and loathing. I told a stranger my most recent story and they said I sounded either Borderline or Aro. Maybe one thing led to another. Maybe I came to the wrong place, maybe not. The thing is, mentality is so fluid, there is no way one word can fit it all. And no answer can solve all the problems. Many things written and shared in this forum hit off with me, so I registered because I don't want to be some ghost lurking around. Especialy at 'You might be aro if...' I had so many moments where I repeatedly had a 'I feel that' moment; that's why I felt some inkling to talk and maybe share some of myself now. Maybe my experience might be helfful to someone else as well. I am thankful for everyone who shared their experiences and those who engage in the discussions. I am thinking about writing down my experiences as well, bc I am the kind of person that usually likes to analyze a problem as a third person spectator so I can cope with my problems less one dimensional. Writing it down and reading it feels like I am working on the problems of someone else (self delusions occur when I think too much about a problem in my head). Haha. Anyway, thank you for reading and happy to be here! A.