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Ashe.

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Everything posted by Ashe.

  1. I don't know if this counts, but in my life I haven't really heard people talk about romance and sex. it just never happened. I don't know why. so, I didn't have anyone to compare my feelings too. it's possible it took me so long to realize I'm not into tese things because of that. I had to be in a relationshi with someone who desired me to see that I was experiencing something different. but, even then, I thought se just wasn't a good match for me. so really I had to find (a)sexuality and aven to discover who I was.
  2. Ashe.

    feeling betrayed

    No, I'm more comfortable with someone in a relationship. no interest in me then!
  3. Ashe.

    Hobbies

    I play a videogame, mostly. I'm tired of it though. If I had money, I'd buy movies to watch. Like the lion king. recently I started writing. I have two storieis on my mind I wish to get down on paper. writing is pretty fun. I used to be a maladaptive daydreamer. writing gives me the same rush a daydream used to give me. I'm probably a bad writer though. so it's just for me.
  4. I left my life before, it wasn't as good as I thought it would be. I felt isolated, and when the person I was living with got mad at me and kicked me out I was homeless and had nowhere to go. I ended up severely depressed. I'm just glad my family wasn't hurt by me cutting off communication, and let me move in with them and restablish a relationship with them. I think family, even sucky family, is valuable, because they do care about you and want the best for you. Though, I can imagine some families are just not worth knowing. I'm generalizing here.
  5. I'm also not sure if I'm aromantic or alloromantic. I definitely feel liking for people, but, I think that liking is alterous feelings. I think really you have to kind of "know" whether your feelings are romantic or not. I think romantic attraction is a complex and individual emotional attraction where you want to get to know someone and be close with someone and befriend them, but it has an extra element beyond that that develops into desire for a romantic tie to them, and/or romantic intimacy with them. Not everyone alloromantic all want the same thing, everyone has different desires and likes and comforts in a romantic relationship. So not liking some things is only a dead giveaway if you never like anything romantic, if you like some things (like holding hands) but not other things, that won't be enough to tell the difference between romantic and platonic feelings. ultimately platonic feelings that don't evolve into romantic feelings and desires would be a mark of being aro, platonic feelings are only a desire to befriend someone and there's nothing extra to the feelings than that. With romantic feelings you might feel the person is special, or desire intimacy with them not found in a friendship, among other things. something that makes your feelings for the person not just the desire for friendship, but for something more than friendship. I know a lot of aromantic people feel like "more than friendship" is cringe and devalues friendship, but as far as I can tell, that is what makes your feelings romantic, that there is something more or extra that isn't found in friendship. to a romantic person, a romantic relationship is exactly more than just friends.
  6. IDK I want to be in a qpr, and I would like but don't "want" a romantic relationship. The incentive behind it is, the person is someone I get to spend a lot of time with, and I get to see them in the future. We're both commited to each other in that way. and having someone in my life who's important like that sounds nice to have. I like people, and want to spend time with them. A relationship enables that. tho, that's just me, it could be different for others.
  7. motivation, huh? I'd say, they were excited so I was excited. I liked them. I don't know what that means though. with the first partner, we were physical and that's what I was reciprocating. I'm asensual but touch favorable. it got to a point where she said she wanted to have sex with me so bad but we shouldn't, and I said I felt the same even though I didn't. she was feeling strong positive emotions and I was feeding off of that. mirroring her thrill. with the second gf, I was happy that we were together. I wouldn't say I was happy we were dating though, I'd say I was happy to spend time with her, whatever that meant. I asked her out, but the thing is I expected to want to ask her out, so my motivation there was questionable. a friend told me about their friend, and I thought, "I bet I'll like her" and I did like her, both I liked her appearance (aesthetic attraction) and I liked her personality (???) . we spent a lot of time together, talking mostly. we saww each other probably on eight seperate days, but then she broke up with me. I don't know why she broke up with me but suspect it was because I wasn't making her feel sexually desired. So, there, what I was reciprocating was feelings of enjoying someone's company. I don't know if I'm romantic or alterous. I definitely feel liking for people, but I don't know which feeling it is, whether it's alterous or whether it's romantic. in all three of my relationships I copied what they were doing. I followed their lead. I didn't actually pursue anything other than mirroring them. but that's what I was reciprocating. I was mirroring their passion. now I don't know if that passion came from romance and wanting to date them, or from alterous and wanting to spend time with thme because of that. Or maybe I was only passionate because they were? no, I think the passion I felt was genuine. I definitely liked that I was spending time with someone I felt attracted to. I never did consiously think, "I want to date this person" except that one time when I said "I bet I'll want to date her". There were two other people who I liked, who I thought, "I don't feel romantically for her, but if she wanted to date I'd be down to date" neither asked me out. I was okay with that! those two times were definitely alterous feelings. it's jsut the two girlfriends that I can't tell, whether it was romantic or alterous. I'm leaning alterous, but I'm just not sure. I feel like I never initiated intimacy, intimacy evolved naturally by their lead. and we talked. So that's all I have to say wether it was romanit or alterous. any advice?
  8. A mental misstep for sure. I was thinking, “I really liked them” and typed, “they’re special”. I never thought “they’re special”, I liked them alot and thought my feelings matched theirs. idk if that changes anything Hm that’s interesting. I don’t think I felt any desire. I just liked them more than I liked other people.
  9. for two of my gf's, I felt like I reciprocated their feelings, I liked all my gf's but these two I felt like they were special people. What are your thoughts on that? is reciprocating feelings romantic attraction, or is it a mental game I've played on myself? Edit: no I didn’t think they were special, I don’t know why I typed that. I just thought my feelings matched their, I felt excited to be with them and felt like I liked them a lot.
  10. if it were me, I would ask myself the following questions: if they confessed their feelings for you, how would you feel? do you like them? do you like them romantically? Do you want to reciprocate their feelings? would you go on a date with them if they asked? would you be their datefriend if they asked? There were a number of people I would have totally dated if they asked, though only two people asked. I don't know if I felt romantic attraction for them though, I think the attraction I experience is alterous attraction and platonic attraction. If you decide that you would date with them if they asked, then you know that if they ask you would say yes! that makes it easier to explain being aroflux. You don't even have to explain it right away, let the relationship form naturally for ... however long makes sense. second date, or second day of interacting with them, sounds like an appropriate time to wait, or third or fourth date/day. depending on what dating them looks like. and tell them that you're aroflux. explain to them that you can feel romantic attraction, but don't always feel it, sometimes your feelings for someone lack the romantic element. Explain that you do want a relationship with them, and that you do like them a lot, but that sometimes you're aromantic and they might notice a change in your behavior during those times. Unless I misunderstand? I hope my advice makes sense and is helpful.
  11. Being aromantic is pretty normal (albeit uncommon) and is totally valid. If you are aromantic, there are others like you! I define romantic attraction as a compex and individual emotional attraction where one desires to be close with someone, and it leads to a desire for a romantic relationship with them. So if you've never desired a relationsip with anyone, that could mean you're aromantic. Romantic attraction isn't always desire for a relationship, but it leads to a desire for a relationship. You may have felt squishes for those boys you talked about, unless you feel it was actual romantic feelings. If it was romantic feelings, you could be lithromantic. But if you feel like you liked them as a friend, and not as a romantic interest, then it's possible that what you experienced was a squish, a nonsexual and nonromantic infatuation with someone, where you desire a platonic relationship with them, most often a friendship, or a closer platonic bond with them. A squish is the equivalent of a nonromantic crush, and the feelings of attraction are called platonic attraction, so if you think you haven't felt romantic attraction, platonic attraction could be what you felt. platonic attraction is nonromantic nonsexual feelings of attraction for someone, where you desire to get to know the person, or feel closer with the person, or establish a platonic relationship with the person.
  12. 1. I define gender as, a person's internal sense of being male, female, some combination of both, or neither. 2. Does it matter to me? not any more. it used to, when I identified as female, but now that I've "changed my mind" for lack of better words, and identify as nonbinary, gender isn't important to me anymore. 3. I knew I was female because I felt desire to be like other females, I had female role models, and I wanted to be female. I also wished I had been born female. Now on the other hand, I know I'm non binary because I don't want to be either gender. Being female depressed me, and being male just isn't who I am. I also consider myself demiguy, someone who is partially male. I feel that way because my body looks male, and my gender wants to match my body. I don't otherwise feel attached to maleness. 4. I used to think I was genderfluid, because in my life I identified as male, then as agender, then as female, and then again as male, and then as nonbinary. But I relized that the change was due to my understanding of myself and my gender, it wasn't a change that came naturally. I wish I were female, and that desire makes me trans, but I identify as nonbinary. in the process of understanding who I was, different feelings of gender manifested. those feelings of gender, changing, came from how I understood myself, where the understanding caused identity feelings. So I don't know much about what makes someone genderfluid, but I know what I feel it isn't for me; it isn't one's understanding of one's gender changing or updating.
  13. the only thing I know that helps is that a squish leads to a desire for friendship and a crush leads to a desire for romance or a romantic relationship.
  14. An asexual doesn't feel the intrinsic desire to have partnered sexual activity, or attraction based on that desire. They never feel the desire for sex. It isn't somethin they feel. A sexual person feels desire for sex, they want it, they fantasize about it, sexual connection is something they want and expect from their partner. If you never initiate, can go months without it, that sounds like asexuality. But some sexual people do have a low libido. You have to ask yourself, "do I feel desire for sex", and the answer to that will tell you if you're asexual or not. Do you want to connect sexually with your partner? or is that something you lack the desire for?
  15. I'll tell you about my experience. When I was a teen, I wanted to be a girl. I had fantasies of being a girl. But I didn't know transgender was a thing, so I thought it wasn't something important and thought that I was a guy so I did guy things and never knew. When I found Aven, my gender got put into question. after some questioning, I decided that I was female, and transgender, and came out to my parents. I was nervous about it. It was a new identity for me, and I didn't know what to think. I eventually started wearing women's clothing and living as a woman, but I was shy about it so I wore adrogenous leaning clothing. Now as I lived as a girl I learned things about myself. I had this idea in my head that I'd wear makeup, but I never got around to it. I realized that I had no motivation to wear makeup. If I had been born a girl, I wouldn't have worn makeup. I kept thinking about wearing more feminine clothing, but I was too shy to do it. If I was a girl I'd do it, but I didn't feel like a girl. I was always seen as male by strangers, and didn't want any conflict by people being confused about my gender. And my body didn't match my gender, and that weighed heavy on me. I thought about surgery, my idea was that I didn't want sex so I didn't want an artificial vagina because you have to work to maintain it (dilaters, you insert it to keep the vagina's shape) and if I'm not having sex I don't want one. But when I talked to the surgeon I got weirded out by her personality. So that idea was put on hold. I thought about changing my voice, but again I lacked the motivation to do it. I felt like if I had to fake my voice, it wasn't really me. I wanted to change my voice anyway, I was willing to have a "fake" so to speak voice, (it isn't really fake, I just felt that way), but I lacked the motivation to get started and I put it on hold. I continued as I was and started to feel more and more depressed. I was always depressed throughout my life, though I didn't understand that was what I was. I always had an idea in my head that I could leave and go west and start over if things got bad, and I did that, I left town and moved in with a friend and started over and started building a life. But I got really depressed, and having gone west already, that wasn't an option anymore. it got to the point that I wanted to kill myself. I went to the hospital for two weeks. I discovered that I was depressed because I wasn't a girl. I thought about everything, about how I didn't wear femininte clothing, didn't wear makeup, didn't want facial feminization surgery, (ffs) didn't want surgery in general, didn't have the motivation to practice a feminine voice, and realized, that being a girl wasn't something that would work out. I wasn't going to feel like a girl becauase my body and behavior wasn't feminine, and I wasn't going to be seen as a girl by strangers. I felt so depressed. I remembered back in college when I thought I was a guy and identified as a guy and was happy, I was actually not very depressed when in college, and realized that I could be happy as a guy, so I decided to stop identifying as a girl and stop wearing girl's clothes and to identify as male or maybe androgenous. And I did that. And I was depressed because I couldn't be a girl, but after about a year and a half that depression lifted. I'm still depressed, but it's very manageable, like it was in college I guess, it's much less than it was, and I'm content living life as a genderless "male" person. my depression is for other reasons now. My dysphoria stopped, because I accept my body as it is. So because of my experience, what I have to say is that you gotta want to go through the motions of transition if you are going to transition. FTM are lucky because testosterone gives them masculine features, but MTF don't have that. They grow small boobs, and that's it. There's some fat redistribution, but it doesn't give you a feminine curve. MTF are stuck with their body unless they go through surgery. So if you want FFS, want to change your voice, want to wear feminine clothing, want to wear makeup, it's going to work out for you. if you already look feminine, it's going to work out for you. but If the song and dance isn't something you want, it'll be difficult to do. So my advice is to only get the idea in your head of changing your body to female if it's something you're willing and able to do. otherwise, getting the idea of change will be depressing. But I could be wrong, maybe minimal changes make you happy. What I can say is, I'm happy I have boobs. they may be small, but they feel like they belong. I'm happy on estrogen because it feels right in my body. I am still trans, but I don't identify as female, I identify as nonbinary. Being trans for me is wishing I had been born a female. But I wasn't, and medical transition isn't healthy for me, so I'm a "male" as far as any strangers are concerned, and I'm able to operate as a nonbinary guyish person and it doesn't make me depressed. It sounds like your body is making you depressed. It sounds like you wish you were born a girl. I think it's safe to say you're trans. If you want to go down that path, research it like crazy, learn what you need to do to be female and be confident that you want to go through the motions. But if that won't make you feel like a woman, or it isn't something you want to do, then don't do it. It's only worth it if it makes you feel like a woman and you can identify as a woman. It's okay to be a "guy" even though you wish different. It's up to you exactly how far you want to go with transition. And your identity is what fits you, not the other way around. If you're androgenous "guy", identify as nonbinary or agender or demiguy or something along those lines. If you're not that, and you want to transition, take the time to get confortable with it, take it as slow as you need to go, and identify as a transwoman. It'll take time to see the chanes, but if it's what you want to do, it will be worth it. I don't know what you want to do. I don't know if my advice is helpful. I hope my story helped you out too. Best of luck, and I hope you can find acceptance and find what gender you are.
  16. I only listen to muic without lyris. can't have romance if there's no lyrics!
  17. nothing is wrong with you don't worry. It may be rare, but aromantic is a thing, if that's what you are it's okay to be that way. It's okay if you don't get all that stuff that we are expected to have. If you want someone to love, you can still find someone, love doesn't need a romantic connection to exist. love is grown. but if not, that's perfectly okay! If you like being single, you can be single.
  18. I've been obsessed with defining romance and romantic attraction for the past month lol. so not me. I need to figure out if I'm romantic or not, and at this point I feel like not, but I can't know until the next time I catch feelings. I think I'm alterous, but my memory of past relationships is weak, so I'm not entirely sure. All this questioning and research, and still I'm not confident in defining romantic attraction. The problem is that romantic things could be platonic in different circumstances, involving different people. You like to cuddle? that could be romantic, or it could be platonic. You want a person to call yours? could be romo, could be not.
  19. what's something in a romantic relationship that you didn't like? Something that made you uncomfortable, or repulsed.
  20. I don't. romantic feelings as far as I know, make the person feel more important or something else besides friendship. there is more element of attraction, so the relationship is more. I don't feel it devalues friendship so much so as it emphasizes the value of romance. So, I don't find it cringe at all.
  21. I'll do this too since I'm questioning maybe it will give me some insight. Ten nos, 26 yeses, 14 maybe or n/a. SO I look kind of aro. I think I experience alterous attraction, which would explain the nos. I wouldn't mind being in a romantic relationship, possibly even like it, but I have never really sought it out or desired it with anyone. I did ask one person out, but I kind of did it because I thought I was supposed to. With all three of my relationships, my feelings and actions were like that of a close intimate friendship. I didn't know how to behave romantically. Didn't even know I was supposed to.
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