Help me, I'm confused.
Since I'm pretty sure of my asexuality, I've been trying to find out my romantic orientation. I've already considered myself hetero-, cupio- and aromantic, but I wasn't 100% sure. Lately, I've thought I must be aromantic, because I haven't had crushes for years, and, looking back, they probably were just squishes. But now I'm super confused because I thought - maybe indeed, I've had several crushes, but subconsciously never wanted to admit it?
I don't know why would I do this - falling in love isn't something to be embarrassed about, is it? But on the other hand, assuming I am in love or in a relationship irritates me pretty much. I don't really believe that somebody could be interested in me in a romantic way. I have troubles making friends, let alone finding a boyfriend.
Recently I've had 2 huuuge squishes. One was on my colleague from the previous school, that I've known for almost 10 years already, second on a boy I met on the Internet. And I had several symptoms that actually they are my crushes. Getting excited about texting with them, thinking about them half of the day, getting nervous before meetings with the first one, also, each time I was walking in his neighborhood (we live close to each other) I hoped that we met by coincidence. When I have a problem and no one to talk to, I imagine that he listens to me. My squish/crush on the colleague has already faded a bit, but still, I like him and want to be friends. The second hasn't faded yet.
I'm not sure how does it feel to fall in love, but I guess it's similar.
One part of me wants to be loved, to have someone who is more than just friend, to experience romance. But the other says: 'Ewww, it's gross, exchanging spit and holding sweaty hands. Being attached to one person must be horrible. You would be a terrible girlfriend. Nobody will ever want you and it's not as bad as it sounds'.
If somebody asked me whether I experience romantic attraction, I would say no. But in reality, I don't know. And even if so, I probably wouldn't admit it to anyone and keep denying that I'm crushing on someone. Aromanticism would be a perfect excuse. If not for others, then for myself.
I know that labels shouldn't be important, but I don't know if I can consider myself aromantic or not. Probably I'm not allo, because this crush-ishes happen rarely. But I'm really all abroad. I don't want to fall in love and I don't want to have to admit it if some day I fall.
Ugh, sorry it's so long and for potential language mistakes. But writing it all down helped a bit with tidying the mess in my head. Maybe you'll have some advice or thoughts.