Untamed Heart
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What kinds of physical touch do you like/dislike? (Poll)
Untamed Heart replied to Quinoa's topic in Aromantic Discussion
I like hugs/cuddles and don't have an inhibition about hugging/kissing someone if I have a sensual attraction to them, and they're OK with it (kissing only if I'm dating them, full mouth/cheek kisses both OK. I hate it when anyone else even kisses my cheek outside of the dating context!), but generally speaking, hugging has to be on my terms. Luckily, pretty much everyone who knows me respects my boundaries and asks first I'm more tolerant about being touched than I was as a kid, but I'm still more comfortable with people not doing it. -
I don't listen to music so much any more, but these are a few that still have some kind of meaning to me, mostly older stuff by MeatLoaf (I know, I'm weird/old skool ) Read 'em and Weep and It Just Won't Quit, MeatLoaf Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler Making Love Out of Nothing At All, Air Supply Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now, Starship Helena, MCR
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Same, kind of. I do get crushes, but if I start a relationship I usually can't feel a whole lot towards the other person and end up feeling anxious and trapped. I tried to force the little shreds of feeling I had for my ex to sort of coalesce and grow into something I could sustain, but I just ended up feeling really ill. Like, anxious, confused and so depressed my boss called me to the office one morning to ask what was wrong, a few weeks before I got the courage to end it. He was truly lovely, but man, I've never been so relieved to break up with someone.
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I agree with that quote too, but not so much in a romantic sense - like Hey You in the corner I apply it more to friends/family/pets than romantic loves. OK, two of those categories are people, but it's kind of the same?
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Stuff I've been pondering lately: have any women suddenly started having crushes on other women later in life, when they never did before? (I've never had crushes - romantic or otherwise - on other women, but I have sometimes felt a bit confused and questioned how straight I actually am and wondered if anyone had ever experienced that, rather than being bi or lesbian the whole time and either in denial or not realising how they actually did feel thanks to heteronormativity), and is it possible to gradually become aro over time? ALSO: I love indulging in romantic fantasies now and then, but I nearly always sabotage them in some way - e.g. I'll have a nice 'fantasy boyfriend' but after a short while I might make him want kids or do something else unforgivable... it rarely ends up being 'happy ever after'. Does that mean anything?
LMAO!!
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Not gonna answer the first question since I'm not a woman; as for "is it possible to gradually become aro over time?"
I'm pretty sure that's what happened to me, although I'm also questioning whether my past "crushes" were actually special-interest-style squishes whom I were aesthetically attracted to. In any case, my desire to have any connection that could be remotely classified as romantic has gradually plummeted to the point of nonexistence (which is why I went from identifying as lithromantic, to identifying as totally aromantic). The most romo thing I did recently was consider the possibility of being my squish's boyfriend rather than queerplatonic partner, since I'm not sure if he has a squish, or an unrequited crush on me. Then my squish mentioned the idea of marriage (not even in the sense of anyone getting married--just the concept of marriage) and I was so romance-repulsed that I decided I could never be anyone's romantic partner under any circumstance ever.
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Thanks, that does make sense - I really don't think I could get married. The idea doesn't repulse me as such, but after feeling so awful and confused in most of my relationships (2 - 3 months on average), it doesn't seem like a good thing for me to do. I'd only do it if I met someone extraordinarily well matched to me and we still felt like being together after at least two years - IMHO that's not a realistic expectation (and I don't care if I'm never proven wrong). I also abhor the fact it costs so much to separate and there's so much upheaval involved, even if it's done on good terms.
Even if I'm not growing more aro, I'd still rather avoid romance, as well. I'm still happy being single and living on my own terms, even though I'm not fully independent yet
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And I just read that special-interest style squish link... I've definitely had that more than once, but it never actually occurred to me it could be linked to autism. I was diagnosed at 17, didn't know until my late 20s though and I'm still learning new things about how it affects me
. I had a very long term obsession with an ageing rock star (5+ years) for one, and several obsessions with other non-celeb people along the way.
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Where is the line between sexual and romantic behaviour?
Untamed Heart replied to Cassiopeia's topic in Aromantic Discussion
Until recently I'd always seen kissing as purely romantic - even though I'd grown up seeing people on TV/movies kissing before they had sex (and less so in a purely romantic context). I still don't see kissing as sexual and have never kissed any of my boyfriends with the intention of trying to get sex to happen - not even my ex who's the only person I have slept with! I don't feel like kissing is gross - though I can totally understand why others do - but I also don't really get anything 'special' from it, either? I think I've enjoyed it because it's romantic coded and one of the few ways I seemed 'allowed' to express how I felt towards certain boyfriends in the past. I certainly don't get butterflies or sparks of anticipation like I've heard other women describe. I vastly prefer hugs to anything else, maybe closely followed by caressing or ruffling hair, but excessive hugging (my preferred level, apparently...) has never been well received by guys -
I was dreaming about eating delicious icecream this morning, and this lovechild of two gay newsreaders was handing me a money off coupon for some of the really fancy stuff while I was in the middle of a foodgasm. Never been so disappointed to wake up!
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How do you even know if you're 'seeing the whole person', anyway? Also, I'm thinking of seeing a counsellor again. The lady I saw last time was great and I left with a different perspective, but we didn't really work on any issues. I was so focussed on trying to find out why I felt the ways I did with my ex, rather than possible causes, mostly because there weren't any tangible ones. I was depressed and anxious for no reason, but I am starting to identify potential underlying issues and really want to explore them. I don't want to get "fixed" in order to find someone (I really don't need a boyfriend), I just really want to know what's going on with my brain and become a better person for myself.
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Doesn't "seeing the whole person" mean being able to recognise both the flaws and strengths of someone?
I'm glad that you want to start exploring your mind more--that takes a lot of courage. I know that mental illness complicates my attraction to people, and right now I'm working with my therapist to figure out what things I'm uncomfortable with due to PTSD, and what things I'm uncomfortable with because I just haven't tried them yet.
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I think you're right, but to me, it's just another one of those things that people throw out there as 'dating advice' and never actually explain, maybe because they assume people already know what it all means?
I'm almost absolutely certain that autism makes things more difficult for me in relationships, to a greater or lesser degree. I realised as well, I'm probably more 'shallow' than I thought - I've always a little anxious or worried about boyfriends getting haircuts because it changes how they look, and it makes me feel differently about them for a short while. I find that interesting, especially since I'm not sure I've been (much) past primary attraction (another thing people don't explain
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I hope you're able to work through your issues, too - it will be worth it, I have faith in you!
I feel I'm more on a quest for knowledge, than anything else. I don't want to get "fixed" in order to be able to date, I just really want to know what's going on in my head and make things more comfortable for myself, hopefully even become more assertive and stuff
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Things I've learned in the last few days:
I'm not 100% straight (was IDing as ace, but that went out the window on Friday in Tesco when I had a very weak, but definite 'pull' towards a male staff member, and have been vaguely attracted to other women too...). Maybe I'm about 96% het, not that I'm looking to get with anyone anyway. The Flippity Flop Feelings, Everything Is On Fire Ride isn't one I'm willing to take anyone else on right now, even if I didn't prefer being single.
Animal species that have no natural predators tend to be patriarchal (hippos, for one).
Romance apparently evolved between parents and their offspring as a means of ensuring they would be nurtured well enough to survive, and there's no biological reason romantic/sexual orientations need to match.
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Why is it important to know which way is North when you're in a new town or wherever? I find road signs a heck of a lot more useful than knowing which direction I'm facing... And why was there no 'straight into the recycling' option for the lingerie catalogue like there was for the tools catalogue? Cos that's what I'd do with it lol Nope. I'm very definitely female and staying that way (though I don't care if anyone does somehow mistake me for a man, and if I got offered the chance to magically turn into a guy for a while, then return to being myself, I'd take it).
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*really need to work on all kinds of stuff and eat something at some point*
*procrastinates all evening*
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Found a sweet Cubone magnetic needle minder online today, since I've been doing a lot of sewing up of knitted stuff and somehow using a pincushion seems like too much of a chore (I'm lazy, don't judge me
) There was a really cool moulded bat skull one as well, but the postage was a wee bit too high for my liking 
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Sexual attraction as felt by aros
Untamed Heart replied to paporomantic's topic in Sexuality and Gender
I don't really understand why it's so hard for some people to grasp that some people really don't feel romantic and sexual attraction for people of a single (or both) gender at once (OK, I do, it's mostly amatonormativity/heteronormativity lol). Pretty sure a lot of allos have felt that way about someone, even if they don't recognise it the same way we do. I am just speculating, though, but I don't think it's inconceivable that someone who normally experiences both sexual/romantic attraction at the same time, for people of the same gender at least, can experience only one or the other towards the odd person, whereas that would be the norm for a varioriented person. -
Got an email from work saying my online course progress had been reset, I think it just means I have to do it again anyway as it's meant to be yearly, but I kind of feel like I played a really lame, drawn-out boss fight and forgot to save my progress.
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Alternative remake version of Beauty and the Beast - Trump vs LGBT? Trump/Pence as Gaston/LeFou, Townspeople as Trump supporters, the Beast as the LGBT community (often maligned, erased and deliberately misrepresented, misunderstood etc), Belle and the talking furniture as Allies.
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So, I play on a virtual pet site, it's loosely based on MLP and we have a Pony of the Week announced each Sunday, usually with a theme. Obviously this week's is Valentine's and... the pony is GREEN!
I'm laughing so hard right now!
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Some stuff about seeing them as a whole person and letting the feelings bloom naturally... yeah, I totally failed at both
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One film I liked that had romance in but not in an overdone way, was Gravity. She was in love with the other astronaut, but in the end I think it turned out she was using it as a distraction from the pain of losing her daughter? (it's been a while since I saw it, so I might be remembering wrong. I did like that it wasn't the main focus of the plot, though).
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YMBAI you had to Google 'how to be a girlfriend' just after entering a new relationship.
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I'm not sure if it's because I don't get out much in general, but I'm not bothered by Valentine's Day that much lol. If anything, I get things for certain friends/family, but otherwise it mainly goes over my head.
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Things you've never understood about romance
Untamed Heart replied to Sooty Owl's topic in Aromantic Discussion
To be honest, I nearly did use that line when I broke up with my ex, and avoided doing so partly because of it being a cliche (even though it was true) -
TFW YOU'RE REPLYING TO SOMETHING ON A PREVIOUS PAGE AND LOOK STUPID BECAUSE OF IT
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I'm offended you're questioning corsola's true identity
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Is it OK to use Google to find a local counsellor, or is it better through the doctor? I only asked if I could borrow the phone to ring one I'd emailed and got an inquisition from mum (not telling her why I want to go, though).
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I think it's definitely ok to use either ! A doctor would probably have one councillor whom they trust and recommend people to, whereas if you look online you can find multiple places near you and look through their reviews and extra information. It depends on what feels right or is easiest. Hope this was helpful x
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Like Sweeney Todd!
LMAO!!
. I had a very long term obsession with an ageing rock star (5+ years) for one, and several obsessions with other non-celeb people along the way.
I did phone the one I emailed, she sounded quite nice and understanding so I'm looking forward to seeing her. Going tomorrow for an assessment!