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cynthia

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About cynthia

  • Birthday April 11

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  • Name
    cynthia
  • Orientation
    aromantic asexual
  • Gender
    female
  • Pronouns
    she/her

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  1. Oh, I relate to this a lot. I kind of describe my feelings towards my friends and family as "passive love". I don't actively "love" them all the time but I do care about them and I do like spending time with them. I have the same thing of not really missing people when they're not around but never associated it with my lack of emotions I guess. It's hard to wrap your head around feelings you rarely feel and notice them when they're missing. I also find myself disliking affection when it comes from friends and family, words of affection irk me sometimes but I'm not sure if that's my aromanticism bleeding into other types of relationships or if I just dislike love overall.
  2. tw // Internalized aphobia I'm 18 years old and I'm aroace, and as I grow up, I find myself wanting romantic and sexual relationships more and more and punishing myself more for not being able to fall in love. When I was younger I barely thought about romance. I never wanted a boyfriend, never wanted to get married, just wanted a best friend. My friends would get crushes but I would never take it seriously, I never thought it was something I also had to feel. I never made up fake crushes like I hear a lot of people did, I would just laugh and say I was too young for that. After a few years had passed, I started to wonder why I couldn't relate to my friends. It was always just a simple question though, I never actually thought there was something horribly wrong with me because despite everything I'd convinced myself that I was hetero?????? After I realized I was aroace three years ago and came out to a few of my friends, I think my confidence shattered. I had no reason to think I was heterosexual and the grief gates opened from there. I was new to being a teenager and I was new to the high school experience, so everything I saw about relationships silently altered my brain. It's not a surprise that I keep desiring romantic relationship despite the fact that I never wanted one when I was younger. I know that there's nothing with wanting a relationship and aro people in romantic relationships exist but I never wanted one back when I thought I didn't need one. Amatonormativity put this thought in my brain. I never desired intimacy, I never desired a partner before. But my brain keeps coming back to these thoughts. I wish I could go back to ten year old me, ignorant to what society wants from her. I want to go back to just wanting dogs. I want to go back to daydreaming about having fun with friends and never daydreaming about relationships. If we lived in a world without amatonormativity, I would've never wanted a romantic relationship for myself even for a split second. I absolutely hate society for making me think something was wrong with me. I hate amatonormativity for making me try to fix myself. I love the fact that I'm aromantic and I can see romance and friendships from a completely different angle. I love that I'm always the objective friend when it comes to relationship advice. I love that I'm different, because if we were all the same and had the same perspective it would be such a boring world out there. So I guess I'm fairly new to the concept loving myself. Better late than never?
  3. Oh god. In middle school, when my friends would talk to me about their crushes and tell me stories, I would always make fun of them. I know, I know, I was a douchebag but I really thought they were lying! I did not believe that kids could feel romantic attraction. So my friend would come to me and start talking about her crush, I would be the know-it-all that I was back then and talk about how what she was feeling at the time was not romantic, she was just trying to grow up fast and act like an adult. We were 11 or 12 back then. Then I would question her about what she felt when she saw him, then I would compare that to what I've seen from books. Sometimes it would match and I would be like, it checks out, you're free to go. But most of the time my poor aro little brain couldn't comprehend what she was saying. I had a friend that join me sometimes. I don't know why she agreed with me but yeah, she ended up being very alloromantic. She had a boyfriend at the end of middle school. All my friends did. I lost a soldier that day folks. There was no one else to fight beside me. After that, it only took me one or two years to figure out I was actually aromantic.
  4. I think I'm closer to the repulsed side of things. Not completely there but not romance-neutral either. I absolutely hate pet names, whether or not they're used to refer to me. Also don't talk to me about how much you love me, no. The idea of weddings also make me physically sick. When it comes to media though, yes please. I love cheesy romcoms and romance books and other stuff like that, as long as it's nowhere near me irl.
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