MCTlibrarian

I was thinking pandas but that's probably too much on the nose... ?

I wouldn't dare define romantic attraction anymore; but, I'd try explaining it, at least to myself, as "something extra" to distinguish between a (potential) partner and a friend. Something that makes them kind of... exclusive? Like, you enjoy their company just a bit more, or in a slightly different way. For me, from my recent experiences, it involves enjoying being held, having my back and hair stroked - something that used to always feel awkward with anybody else.

Okay, few new developments here: We've decided to call what has developed between us a relationship. Not a QPR, just a relationship; I call him boyfriend and he calls me girlfriend (which is super weird in and of itself because I'm friggin' 37, I haven't felt like a "girl" in 20 years, but okay). However, boundaries are clearly defined (and not discussed with friends and family who, for all we care, are free to think that we're makin' out and whoohoo'ing all day like bunnies every time we see each other). He has confided in me that he'd really like to kiss me one day, but won't try anything unless and if I ever want him to. I keep struggling with bouts of "what the hell, I can't do this" feelings, and surmising expectations on his part that he hasn't given me any reason to assume are even there. Also, I have pangs of guilt for not feeling more... elated? Into the whole thing? I mean, I really, really like being around him, and I enjoy cuddling a heck of a lot more than I would have imagined possible, and I smile like a big old doofus every time he texts me (so, basically, every few hours). But no butterflies, and certainly no inclination to be physically intimate or move in together at any point in time. I am, however, very calm in all this up and down between doubts and warmth/comfort, which is new and a pretty nice feeling. I'm learning tons and tons about love in general and my version of it in particular. This is fascinating!

Hi you guys, I just wanted to give you a little update on this story. So, last weekend, I went and met the guy and it was... different from what I was (almost) expecting. First of all, I wasn't nervous. Like, at all. Usually, I'm a bundle of nerves whenever I meet somebody new, no matter my feelings towards them. I may have tensed up a little when my bus arrived and I saw him waiting there for me but the whole why-are-my-legs-knotted-and-where-the-heck's-my-tongue I was counting on never manifested. On the other hand, neither did any butterflies. I had successfully talked myself into thinking this was a crush, against my better judgement, and I can't say I wasn't disappointed when it turned out I enjoyed the company a lot, but did not feel any inclination to make googly eyes and hold hands and smooch (for the record, while I'm very comfortable with the ace part of my orientation, the aro part's been giving me grief for years and years and, apparently, I'm still not quite over it). I did, however, feel comfortable enough around him that we did end up cuddling on his couch which, he had told me after we'd had a long talk about my orientation back in December, is pretty much all he wants out of a relationship at this point, anyway. Nevertheless, I was stunned that I wanted this! Frankly, it was more physical contact than I had had in the last 17 years (and far more enjoyable than what I'd had before that). When I'd gotten back home, and he asked if we'd chat later that evening, I had a freak-out moment, thinking "Oh no! He wants to know what we are to each other. He needs a label. Have I committed to anything? Does us cuddling mean I'm responsible for his happiness now?!?" - turns out, no, he really just wanted to chat like we always did ? I may have stumbled into something good. I'm even (so far) managing not to feel responsible for whether or not this is enough for him - he's a grown man, he can decide that for himself. This... may work out just fine, after all!

Hi Kiki, we see you! It's nice to meet you! I absolutely understand the need for a label but I've become a bit more careful about that these days. The first thing you should be aware of is that aromanticism is a spectrum. It's different for everybody and you probably won't find an experience that 100% matches your own even on a big forum. You are you and all of your feelings and doubts and conclusions are valid: whatever label you end up identifying with is to help you better understand yourself and communicate; it is not a definition of your personality, which may very well change and grow with time. From what you describe, I believe you are on the aromantic spectrum. That, by the way, would still be true if in future you do meet one person (or even several people) you get romantic feelings for because it's still a lot less frequent than would happen for an alloromantic person. Also, identifying as aro doesn't mean you "give up" on romance or relationships - but I do find it takes pressure off you to behave like Hollywood movies tell you to. It also doesn't mean you doom yourself to a life of solitude. What you describe about chillin with roommates, that can be deep and intimate and very rewarding. You might want to read into "queer-platonic relationships". Anyways, that's my two cents! And welcome to the forums (says the newbie who's not even been here for more than a week ;))!

Hi, I think it's great that you're reaching out to an aro community about this! I'm also someone who's very affectionate in texts; how does she act when you see each other in person? That may vary greatly, if my own behavior is anything to go by. And I agree with Jot-Aro Kujo: Why not be affectionate with your friends and spend tons of time with them? I don't think anybody would use being aromantic as an excuse to friendzone anyone - assuming you go by the negative assumption that someone's playing games with you when you use that term. I've been accused of friendzoning and have since been very careful to mention my identity early on when getting to know somebody new, just to make sure. If I may ask, what was your immediate reaction when she came out to you? And is there a reason you can't bring up your confusion with her directly, given that she's probably aware you didn't know about aromanticism before? Your friend may very well love you dearly and value you as a very special person in her life without feeling romantically attracted to you. That means you can have a very deep and emotionally intimate relationship, but you may have to go without kissing or holding hands or, if she's on the ace (asexual) spectrum as well, sex. It's not for everybody, and if you feel like commiting to such a relationship would mean you'd have to limit yourself too much, you should probably bring that up with her and distance yourself a bit for a while. But, despite the limitations when compared to a "typical" romantic relationship, an aromantic's affection is still valid and heartfelt and sincere. That's love, too!

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies! I've since arranged to meet this maybe-special-person on May 1st and... I'm not even nervous yet. This is so confusing ? He seems to have made peace with the fact that we may never end up as lovers, but I get the feeling he can appreciate my genuine affection, limited as it may be (and without getting the feeling I'm just playing games with him). So I believe - I hope - we'll be fine either way. Anyway, I will repost this on the AVEN forums, thank you for recommending this!