Lovebird

Hii!! I use he/it pronouns too

1 hour ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

I cannot explain the level of aromantic vibes I get from Hobie Brown. I guess it's because of him being punk, and I get how he's very no labels and there's lots of punks in general who are like that, so when I say he feels very aro to me, or very non-binary to me even, I say it as not to actively label the character as such, but just what I connected with from his presentation (to which a few of the things about being punk is all about breaking binaries, restrictive systems, being anti-establishment/corporation, androgyny, DIY, and so many others things that I feel disrespectful not remembering to list). Also, what I love about his character so much was the nod to how he let Gwen crash with him, and at first you may think, "Oh? Why did you like that aspect?'' and it's because of how very trans-coded Gwen's story was that if you read her running away from her own universe being because her of father not being able to accept her at the time, then Hobie letting her take refuge with him at his place was because he saw her for who she was, and was one of the few people to immediately see her (which was what technically happened anyway, but yeah I loved it).

He's either aroallo, aroace, or demi- depending on my mood. I also think he's non-binary as hell too. Doesn't care what pronouns you use for them.

Hobie Brown is so aroallo to me.

Lovebird, arocalyptic bird, god of winged creatures, creativity, and wisdom

I've never celebrated it, even in romantic relationships. I only like it for the aesthetic.

On 1/12/2024 at 12:48 AM, Milly said:

And if it is a qpr or close dependent relationship or whatever it shouldn't be called dating.

You're contradicting yourself, you just said this earlier.

18 minutes ago, Milly said:

Who doesn’t experience platonic attraction😭omg?? that’s crazy💀Idk if you have dated ppl in the past, I’ve dated ppl in the past but it wasn’t real💀and I’m not saying qpr I’m saying alternative relationship, don’t reply to my comment if u haven’t read my other replies which alr covered this.

IM NOT SAYING QPR!!!! Alternative relationship🙏

And what even is an 'alternative relationship' in your definition?

I did read your replies, they sucked, and it's no wonder you're being criticised for it.

8 hours ago, Milly said:

Bruh it’s called hanging out if it’s not a date💀and ik that dating and relationships are different hello that’s the whole base of this argument?? That is an alternative relationship, not dating, that’s all I’m trying to say. Idk it’s validation or sum that makes you want to call it dating but go for it guess but it’s just not like a regular relationship unless ur demiromantic or smthn very close to it🤷🏽‍♀️I just don’t see the purpose of calling it dating when it is a different way of being with someone, wouldn’t you want to have pride in that? Wouldn’t you want a more specific term? That’s why there is sub labels to everything???? And the gay marriage comparison thing is stupid 1. Clearly I’m not homophobic hello look at this gay ass website I’m on 2. Marriage is just weird af in general and I don’t actually care about the rules for it or whatever I’m never doing it 3. It’s just the joining of 2 souls idk if you get married platonically. You can do and believe whatever you want to but I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to have pride in a different type of relationship and have a different term for it.

How do you react when someone like me has dated two people in the past?

Plus insisting an aro just get into a QPR is a form of platonormitivty, not every arospec experiences platonic or queerplatonic attraction, nor does every arospec desire a QPR/QPP.

I was also in a formally toxic relationship, thankfully I was able to leave as it was an LDR. It was still scary and traumatising. And the fact I had no community to vent of my heartbreak was frustrating.

The biggest takeaway anyone can come out of this, is that nobody is immune to toxic and abusive relationships, no matter what their orientation is. I'm tired of acting like it's an exclusively allo "trait".

An update for anyone who cares; they dm'd me on another account, saying they already have a new girlfriend. Their GF doesn't let them contact anyone else, and according to them they say their family thinks online relationships are "unhealthy" so they chose someone closer instead. I'm not forgiving them.

The aro community was right all along, romantic relationships never last and are all terrible. I'm never getting close to anyone ever again.

16 hours ago, CoolK said:

I have also experienced heartbreak. Don't feel any pressure to move on from it in a certain time. Lean on the people that support you. It's ok to still love them but recognize you will not be with them in the same way anymore and blocking and going no contact for a while may be beneficial than if you still want to be friends you can discuss it when you are in a better head space. A lot of romantic relationships do not work out. But I believe you will be able to find the person for you in the future if that's what you seek. Don't feel bad for mourning a loss a breakup is a real loss and causes chemical changes in your brain take all the time you need and maybe consider therapy if you can afford it. 

I'm seeing my psychologist today actually lol. I'm still on the fence about seeking another people.

13 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Which people are saying you have to move on from it in a week? That sounds unrealistic to me. Every loss requires grieving time.

Both allos and some aros have implied that heartbreak isn't that deep and one should get over it at least a week max, and if you haven't, it's like you 'failed' because that proves you're somehow 'clingy' or 'hungup' about them.

6 hours ago, DeltaAro said:

Yes, beginning with the word 💔, it's so ridiculously overdramatic that it isn't serious but rather cutesy.

In my naivety, I even thought it would be interesting to experience heartbreak. Because I had those images of slightly melancholic teenagers in pajamas in mind, eating chocolates and being very authentic with their feelings.

But if romance gives all those positive feelings, how can the experience of romantic loss not also feel very bad and take their time?

My cousin is similar. She complained to my sister, "Are you seriously still not over it?" and it was four weeks (ok, at least four, not ONE!!) after her 3-year relationship ended. But she just looked a bit unhappy and quiet at my grandma's birthday. The same cousin, by the way, is very "concerned" that I don't know what I'm missing out on regarding romance.

I've read that one can expect it to take 3 months to fully heal, if it was a long-term relationship. But it's difficult to find any good data, it's all very vague. E.g. what exactly is a "long-term relationship"? This topic is seriously under-researched.

Actively ruminating about the meta-questions like "how long will it take to get over it" is probably just adding unnecessary pressure.

TW: scary truth (maybe read it if you feel better)

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It is unlikely but possible that you never get over it. Rarely, heartbreaks can trigger a mental health condition which you didn't have before.

Another thing: if you fantasize about getting back together, I'd try to avoid this. Not talking about thought suppression, which is counterproductive, but rather not actively engaging in such fantasies.

 

I know that it's not the healthiest to imagine getting back together. The first time I did get back with my first ex, it was terrible. I'm trying to not let the get over it quick get to me, but it's hard

7 hours ago, Holmbo said:

It seems to me that a week is a very short time to get over a six year relationship ending so I'm not surprised you're still upset about it. I think allow yourself to grieve, you don't have to fix it or feel good right away. 🫂

It's the longest, and most serious relationship I've ever been in. I expected myself to get over it quicker because well, people keep saying that's something you *have* to move on quickly from. And it's like, I just simply can't???

Another thing I'm scared about is that I'm never going to get over it.

1 hour ago, alto said:

I am sorry for your loss.  Heartbreak is always difficult.  It's never easy to deal with, whether it's platonic or romantic.  

Its like someone said here, heartbreak isn't really taken seriously, it can even be quite traumatic at times.

A part of me feels like I shouldn't be so upset or whiny over it, people all the time insist that being "single" is superior. But that wording doesn't help me at all. If anything, it makes me feel bad for being in a relationship in the first place.

I've tried filling that love of my ex with a new fictional man to obsess over, it helps but after the hyper fixing wears off, it's like I'm back to my own bleak reality again.

I'm not sure if I can even be friends with them ever again, I don't harbour any bad feelings towards them post break up. But it just feels beyond awkward to be friends with them after all this.

6 minutes ago, MondoBilby said:

I'm very sorry to hear that. I've got no experience with this, so I unfortunately don't have anything super meaningful to say, sorry. But I do hope you get better.  You're super valid.

It's the thought that counts, thank you 🤗

Some may know that more than a week ago as of writing this, my spouse and I recently broke off our six year relationship. I thought I'd take it well considering my previous (albeit problematic) relationship breakup was much easier. But no, every time I think I'm over it, it comes up to hit me again.

I still love and cherish them so much, everyday I secretly await for a text asking me to give it another shot. But it's been days since and nothing at all. It feels like a losing battle. I've lost so many people I've considered important in my life this year; including them, we had a future planned and everything (living together, kids). And while it was a very distant LDR, we made it work for six long hard years in spite of personal hardships from the both of us.

I'm not sure if can handle interpersonal relationships, including romantic-coded relationships ever again. They always seems to fizzle out of fail due to my negligence. Every time without fail, I become even more of a hermit because of it. I'm having a harder time trusting people

I have nobody else to talk to about this with, my alloro friends don't have a comprehensive dating history to really understand my situations, while the aros I've tried talking to seem to think my relationship type is invalid or think attraction is stupid, pointless or some kind of distraction.

I feel even lonelier than ever and nobody gets it. I feel, unloved, I suppose. 

Only real reason I'm venting here is because I trust you all enough to be non-judgemental, at least I hope so.

I just went through my second heartbreak last week, I'm not really coping with it well, personally.

Grey gang, rise up

On 10/30/2023 at 4:54 AM, Milly said:

Uhh Stolas is definitely not aro? He's had a crush on Blitz ever since he was a kid, and Blitzo is pansexual. Sorry if this comes off as rude, but I have no idea where you got that from😭

For the Stolas thing, there is no source to confirm this information, I just read something over a year ago that said something like that. I just thought it was interesting.

32 minutes ago, Milly said:

I suppose Stolas could be demiromantic even though he clearly got a crush on Blitz as soon as he saw him, not after gaining a close relationship but whatever. Blitzo is definitely not allosexual, he is confirmed to be pan and it's ruder to blatantly project your sexuality onto the predetermined sexuality of a character than it is to simply disagree with them. and yes, I am aware of what a headcanon is, and I'm just stating that it doesn't make any sense. I am well aware that there are not a lot of aromantic characters in media, but Blitzo is not the one to choose for that representation.

Why? Actually, I'm not even going to bother arguing anymore. I'll change the headcanon, okay?

On 9/21/2023 at 5:52 AM, DeltaAro said:

I'm all for being nice towards alloromantics. But I also dislike those convoluted justifications where people try to find some oppressed group (like queer alloromantics) you accidentally hurt by bickering and ranting about allos.

Well, the focus of repression was always firmly on sexuality. Not romance. Like in Victorian times they really loved this ideal of same-gender "romantic friendship" (think Mina and Lucy in Dracula) when at the same time homosexuality was highly scandalous at best and punishable by years of hard labor at worst.

And sex is still the focus today. We have the abortion ban in southern US states (absolutely shocking since Roe v. Wade was the law of the land for fifty years!). Before that FOSTA-SESTA, or in Europe the creeping Nordic model or nowadays Orwellian-named "equality model" of sex work etc.

It's always, really always the "sex part" that gets targeted by criminal law, never the "romance part".

So yes, let's be nice to alloromantics. I'm all for it. But we should do it out of basic decency. And don't invent those weird stories about "romantic oppression". Contrary to sexual oppression, that's not a thing.

Also, the insulting and ranting here and on other aro online places is rather mild compared to what other groups do. I constantly come across stuff like "the problem with the male suicide rate is that it's not high enough LOL" on Twitter as some edgy satire ("it's ok because men are privileged").

If aros behaved like this, we would make fun and tease alloromantics, who are lovesick or who were harmed by romantic partners etc. I haven't observed something like this.

"Romance oppression" is a thing though. Queer, disabled and interracial couples have been bullied, mocked and harassed in the streets for simply holding hands - disabled people cannot get married without being forced to sacrifice their pensions because the government thinks we're already useless enough. Attraction to the same gender is still considered a mental illness among conservative circles.

1 hour ago, DeathlyAngel said:

Allos are the immature ones because they do dumb things in the name of love and they date at a young age anyway, their brains aren't developed yet anyway and they're immature because they can't accept people who are different.

I really don't like this current trend insulting allos for doing absolutely nothing considered actually 'bad'. I dated a bit at a young age and I'm arospec, does this make me immature or bad to you?

And can we please stop using brain development as some kind of insult, especially if we're talking about adults? As a mentally disabled adult that is in a relationship, I am capable of making my own decisions and especially choosing on if I want a dating life. 

Calling out ableism within the aro community is so exhausting. 

11 hours ago, DeltaAro said:

Can other aros stop applying negative mortality and intelligence to romantic attraction?

Some people argue that if one experiences romantic attraction, they inherently lack in good morale, character or intelligence. Or in summary, "If you experience attraction different from what I do, that means you're a bad person!" Regardless of wherever the person they're targeting has actually done something bad.

Can other aros stop applying negative mortality and intelligence to romantic attraction? Not only does it create an 'us vs them' mentality, but is rooted in ableism.

I'm mentally disabled, the attraction I feel to my spouse is not 'all in my head'

I don't care because frankly I think people should have the right to privacy and do whatever. I don't ask about peoples relationships unless they actually so and that's how I think it should be.

Greetings other greyacearo individual.

I personally connect more to the loveloose label, but I still feel more solidarity with loveless/heartless aro than the rest of the general aro community as they're far, far less likely to call me a psychopath for not being platonically attracted to my friends every millisecond.