Acecream

well sometimes I feel there is a lot if arophobia in queer spaces (in addition to the lack of knowledge about aromanticism) so I wanted to create a space to discuss about it/share experiences

like, the most hurtful talks/discussions about aromanticism I had with persons who are very active in queer spaces and even work in queer groups. the most wholesome ones as well to be fair :)

for example a lot of queer spaces I know talk about "cis-hets" when they mean not queer persons. which is not very sensitive and doesn't really create a welcoming or accepting atmosphere imo.. Also sometimes when I go to queer spaces I feel like directly everyone assumes I'm a lesbian or at least do experience same sex/ same gender attraction (which I do in a sensual attraction way but I'm not sure if that counts haha) which is kinda stressful for me because than I fear to come out because I fear I would have to justify myself

i'm just confused that there are so many flags hahaha bc i feel like i should be able to recognize people from my community but i just can't remember all the flags 😅😅😅

i used to seperate the aro and the ace flag and to use both as i see my sexual and romantic orientation as two different things (so: two flags).

but i really got used to the sunset flag and now i love the aesthetic of this flag

i'm currently thinling about getting one... but i also want to have a transgender flag. and an aro flag. and the new progress pride flag (the one that includes the inter* flag in the triangle as well). so, yeah... i think i have to make a decision for only ONE flag bc money money money^^

(i currently have a little enby flag and a rainbow flag, maybe i can make the progress pride flag out of the rainbow one...) 

i'm a very sensual person. i love being touched (as long as it's consensual obviously) 

i love being hugged, kisses on forehead, cheeks etc by friends, i feel like i really need being in touch with people, i don't feel good when i lack physical contact

sometimes i also really like making out with strangers, althought i don't do it often. this is something that definitely developed during time and became more after i accepted being both, aro and ace. maybe because the action lose the meanings when you know, there won't be attraction? (people use to be confused if they know i'm not allo what kinda annoys and amuses me at the same time tbh.. once a friend wanted to "rescue" me from a situation in which i kissed a person i met on a party. my friend was having very good intentions tho) 

22 hours ago, hemogoblin said:

I used to be touch repulsed. Some friends were really great about it, including one friend whose love language definitely includes physical touch who understood I worked differently and was happy with a special handshake. Other friends were...not. One used to laugh and joke that she was "training me" to withstand touch whenever she subjected me to hugs. My younger sister was really the only exception to this. My mom was okay, but I didn't, like, seek out cuddles with her like my sister would. My first boyfriend was an exception as well, but even though I wasn't repulsed, I still didn't seek out any physicality, and I wasn't able to give as much as he demanded.

Related, I went through an extended trauma and my repulsion became numbness. I still don't seek out touch, but I've learned to just tolerate it. Tbh, I miss being repulsed because that at least felt like me. I don't feel indifferent or neutral now. I feel like I just don't feel anymore.

i'm sorry this sounds so terrible and disrespectful :(

On 1/12/2023 at 4:51 AM, hemogoblin said:

 

You can be both! That's extremely fair! Good luck on your own journey!

 

thank you :) I'm having some preliminary talks with doctors/hospitals this months😱 u have to say that it kinda scares me

but I still don't know if my health insurance would pay for it and I can't pay it by my own, so I still have to organize some stuff... (unfortunately the insurance most likely would not pay for non-binary individuals, so I'll have to be a bit unclear about my gender in my application😅)

hope you are doing good😊

43 minutes ago, Holmbo said:

I've also thought this. But I wonder: if gender is a social construct then what's the difference between being gender non conforming and being transgender?

you can be gender non conforming and still identify with your assigned gender at birth

false

tpbm is always late

participating in queer surveys, being asked about my orientation and there is never ever a question about romantic orientation and barely the option to chose aromanticism as a "sexual orientation" looool

not sure if I'm happy for you or jealous right now hahaha

congratulations, that's amazing!!!

Sometimes I do.

(I know I'm not and I know where I have those thoughts from, but that doesn't save me from having those feelings)

Sometimes I feel it's evil when I make decisions towards actions that are romantically-coded (or sexually-coded), because I don't really have the "excuse" of "that's just how I feel"/"I can't change my feelings" (of course not feeling attraction is a feeling I can't change too, but when I chose action without attraction with the knowledge that it will hurt persons bc of THEIR feelings I sometimes do feel like a very bad person. But I also know that just because I am aro doesn't mean I am not allowed to romantically coded actions as long as it's consensual.. I mean I have my reasons and I should be allowed to live my life how it feels right for ME, shouldn't I? Sometimes I feel like if I can't be happy in an allonormative way I am not allowed to be happy at all)

Always remember: Alloromantics do hurt other alloromantics all the time. Why should this be more acceptable? (the answer is arophobia if you ask me)

Sometimes I wonder why love–stories are about teenagers so often („aren‘t they waaaaay to young for romance or to fall in love???“) 

then I remember that those stories show the allonorm; my confusion is just me being aromantic

12 hours ago, sevan said:

since i dont think its a suitable topic for arocalypse anyway

Well I think it can be useful to have a space on arocalypse to talk about other lgbtqia+ related themes :)

BUT i do NOT think we should use it to discuss whether another label/orientation is valid or not. this would get pretty shitty fast...

I'm offended that you are still talking about perfection

4 hours ago, Anaim said:

Not necessarily a good or bad experience, but it's my only one. I forgot that my phone lockscreen was aroace themed, and one of my friend saw it then put the pieces together. They didn't have much of a reaction and thankfully they knew about the orientation, so they just mentioned it once and hasn't since because there hasn't been a reason to. 

that's actually a very cool way to come out, because a lockscreen will only out you to people who know at least a bit about the orientations (at least enough too recognize the flags) so this does mean that you are more likely coming out to accepting people and you'll not have to explain a lot🥰

and people you might be afraid of coming out more likely don't recognize the colors

(sadly queer aro- and acephobic persons exist, but still.)

worst response: "you have a too loving/caring personality to be aro"

best response: "thank you for sharing"
 

"to being eaten, so"

exhausted

do not pathologize yourself. being aro is not a disorder.

On 12/4/2022 at 11:53 AM, whatistheromance said:

If you mean the title (Advice I would give my younger aro self) Invest in bitcoin.

If you mean someone new to aromanticism, I'd say: DONT LISTEN TO THE NAYSAYERS 

there is already a more general thread about "advice to your younger self", so I guess it would be good to have this as an explicit aro-version :)

https://www.arocalypse.com/topic/5228-advice-for-your-younger-self/

thank you! @AromanticAardvark

16 hours ago, AromanticAardvark said:

I have been flipflopping from lesbian and bi and everything in between (and I mean EVERYTHING) 

sorry, i hope it's okay to ask😅 what do you mean with "everything in between"? other m-spec labels?

I'm offended that you don't see how perfect I am!

thanks for bringing this thread up :D

1. I'd say I went through multiple periods of questioning, but I never seriously considered to have another sexuality. Like, it always felt wrong. But I thought about heterosexual, lesbian, bisexual, gay (yeah, I guess this was an early signs of not-being-cis) 

(after I discovered that I'm able to feel strong sensual attraction i started to rethink if there would be another label to suit me and for a time I thought about pansensual which changed more into bisensual by now but actually I'm fine with not labelling it or just labelling it as queer)

cn aro-erasure
2. yeah. Totally. I used to think I discovered being asexual first but actually this only happened bc I thought about being aromantic (even if I didn't know so back then). like, I didn't google "why don't I feel sexual attraction", I did google "why can't I fall in love". I think it shows a lot how much aromanticism and asexuality are unnecessary connected and how much we have to work on to make clear they are separate that I discovered the term asexual before the term aromantic even if I was searching about FALLING IN LOVE. actually, it sucks!

for me it worked since I am both, aro and ace, but sometimes I ask myself how long it would have taken me to discover what aromanticism is when I was allosexual. 
as it's a few years since I googled that stuff it may be that it changed a bit and I REALLY HOPE it did and that persons who google "can't fall in love" find out about aromanticism before they find out about asexuality.

3.

when I discovered I am aroace I used to see it as one, but this changed a lot. also, I always felt like my asexuality would be connected to my aromanticism while I never felt my aromanticism would be connected to my asexuality. weird

Now I say: My romantic and my sexual attraction are separate. Totally.

I'm offended that you think everyone has to write and speak english perfectly

I'm offended that you don't have your own arguments

21 hours ago, Neon said:

I saw a thing where it's like the phases of realizing you are queer. After engaging with the community heavily for a while, most people tend to pull back a little bit, for whatever reason.

yah I heard this before from different queer communities. I understand that after a certain time maybe you may not longer have the need to have community or you are fine with being who you are (which I wish everybody!) or they don't feel as it impacts their lifes anymore and maybe some people also don't want to be reminded all the time to be queer (I'm not talking about you, @Holmbo, more in general)

like, a trans* male friend of mine had trouble to find representation of trans* Men who were "further" on their way of medical transition than him because a lot of trans* Men in this "stage" of medical transition stopped to talk a lot about their trans* identity as it did affect them less in their daily life
 

I can totally understand that people don't want to be stucked in the same conversations ever and ever again, but at the same time I think it's totally precious for younger queers to have older queers who lived a long time with their identities because even if it doesn't seem to be important to them anymore they have so much to give to others! but of course they don't owe younger queers anything

someone good in recognizing old Italian movies (from the 80s I think)? I just remembered one movie in which I read one character as alloaro

but it's not mentioned and I think it's most likely that the character is not meant to be aromantic, as the movie is partly about him getting in different romantic relationships, but seriously, the way he dealt with all the possible relationships and his confusion about romance* made everything in my head scream YOU ARE SO AROOOO and I loved it. the persons I watched it with didn't get any aromantic hints (as far as I can tell they are alloromantic and don't know a lot about aromanticism so this does not mean anything) but it was kinda exciting for me to watch it and to read a character as aro when I didn't expected it at all...

I'm trying to remember which movie it was... also, I really liked it after I started to read the character as aro so I would like to see it again

*like he was getting a phonecall from a girl who was kinda asking him "do you want to be my boyfriend" and he said "well yes why not" and then hung up the phone and went back to help in the kitchen and in a later scene he got another phonecall from his girlfriend who told him she is breaking up because she is not getting the attention she wants/deserves and he was like "oh okay well then.." and hung up and a friend was really concerned around him and was trying to help him to get over the breakup and he was just like "well am I supposed to be hurt or to feel sad or something?" and he just didn't care about anything and just said yes to things bc he felt like this is how it works and that he kinda is expected to??

in the end the character is also married but still, it did seem like he didn't understand what romantic attraction is and just married because that was "the way to go"

I remember that watching the movie I partly thought "oh maybe he is meant to be sectretely gay" but tio me it seemed as if he clearly was (at least partially) sexually attracted by women sooo...

false

TPBM is questioning their gender identity