Elin W

I’ve never heard anything about asexuality in my life until I was 37 for a couple of years ago and decided to read a book about it. I didn’t think I could be ace but when I read the book I was astonished to find my own experiences explained. In the book the author also mentioned aromanticism and I knew instantly that was me, I just didn’t know it was an identity or that it was ok to be that way. ☺️

Where do you live? :) in Sweden there are pride events in other months than June, but mostly during spring or summer.

Same for me. When I read the word I knew instantly and instantly felt relief :)

So glad I found this thread because I’m having that book on my tbr for the month and have picked it up from the library. :) but I haven’t started reading it yet.

I’m planning on going to West Pride in Gothenburg Sweden and walk the parade there and also attend the aroace meet up hosted by AroAce Gemenskap and spAce Malmö. ☺️🌈

It’s very disrespectful to say 😦 I haven’t experienced that myself. I’ve met more of belittling comments especially before I knew about aromanticism friends could say, when I tried to tell them that I lacked the capacity of falling in love, “Elin, you’re not that way” and even if they meant well it also meant that I didn’t feel like they believed me. And I was very insecure and not knowing about aromantic being an identity shared with many others I feel more confident. And happy 💚 and relieved.

Yes both female and queer and queer ally priests are common in the Lutheran church of Sweden! But I don’t think they know much about aromanticism yet. At least not that priest although she walked the Pride parade celebrating every identity she seemed to be doubtful when I explained aromanticism. im in the evangelical Baptist part of the church. But the church families are different here in Sweden even if there are similarities too. I switched church family a few years ago because I wanted to be in a baptist church that was affirming towards lgbtqia+ people and thats when I found this organization too. But first I was part of it as an ally, it wasn’t before 2021 I realised I was a part of the lgbtqia+ acronym myself. When I told the other queer Christians and came out to them they were friendly and positive but didn’t seem to know a lot about it. That’s why I volunteered to have a presentation about it. The result was that more - especially young people - realised they were ace too, and I know about at least one more in the organization who identifies as aromantic. I’m an educated and ordained pastor myself even though I don’t work as that right now. I’m trying to figure out my identity right now and how it affects my life, finding relationships and so on so it’s a good thing I’m not a religious leader right now. I don’t know if I’ll work in church again but if I do I think I’d like to be able to be open about who I am, at least at some level. I know a lot of religious people are queerphobic and I was a part of churches like that growing up too. It hurts me a lot :( but it gives me hope when I meet other Christians and people of other religions who are queer or allies to queer people. It has always inspired me a lot and maybe it was touching my heart a lot because I’m a part of myself even though I didn’t realise it when being young. 😌 Anyway, religion and Christian communities are not easy for queer people of any kind. But there is hope and there are communities with people who are queer themselves. Even in America :) but maybe hard to find in many places.

I found this thread today and I’m pretty late to the conversation maybe. im 40 this year and I discovered that I’m aroace a couple of years ago. It was such a huge relief and explained my whole life so I’ve got a pride in who I am that I didn’t have before. 😌 Quite early I got to understand that there were prejudices and reactions could be that “this is not real orientations but caused by autism”. Which makes me sad, not because it’s something wrong with autism (of course) but because the way they say it “caused by this or that diagnosis” makes it sound like it’s something broken or wrong. It shows a sad attitude towards autistic people too I think - I began to think: Why are only the orientation of neurotypical people valid? And of course as many of you earlier in this conversation have said: there are many autistic people with other orientations and many aces and/or aros who are autistic and who are not autistic. This spring I’ve been diagnosed myself as having autism and add 😌 it’s been an overwhelming process too and validating and means I can understand myself better. But it makes me feel vulnerable too. I don’t plan being open about being autistic but these comments will make me even more uncomfortable and vulnerable I think. And if people would know - would they invalidate me? These are just thoughts spinning in my head right now so it felt good to share them. I hope for more awareness and validation of both autistic people and of ace and aro identities. That neither one of them will be invalidated and met with prejudices. That every ace & aro would be able to feel valid. That every autistic person would feel respected and that their orientation and their feelings matter same as everybody else. 💚

Ha ha you’re right!! 🤣 Actually, nobody has said that straight up to me. I’ve only been aware and out for a couple of years…. I was just speculating to what was written above. 😅

I’ve been open about it on social media and in a lgbtqia+ organization for lgbtqia+ Christians where I also held a power point presentation about what asexuality & aromanticism was 😛 I guess I felt the need of explaining it, I was both validated and encouraged but it also drained a lot of energy. I’ve come in contact with both ace and aro people in Sweden which is my home country. Asexuality is more well known and awareness are starting to spread I think…. But I always feel disappointed when I see aromanticism being forgotten when mentioning the “A”. I know I shouldn’t expect much (due to lack of knowledge and representation) but it always disappoints me anyway. I was so relieved when I learnt about aromanticism a couple of years ago (I’m 40 this year) 😌🌈 it means so much to me to know I’m not alone and valid. My identity as aro is so strong when I look back at my life. And it also matters a lot looking into my future trying to figure out how to live my life and build relationships. So it would mean so much to me if aromantic wasn’t forgotten about when talking about lgbtqiA+ 😌 But that’s my experience from this short time of being aware and open. It’s quite easy to say I’m asexual because people might know about it (even though they don’t understand) have heard about it and if they don’t they accept it’s a sexual orientation. But if I say aromantic and they don’t know about it being an identity I’m going to have to explain what a romantic orientation is and that’s more draining and difficult I think. Since they doubt me, I feel. But 😌 I’ve got a wholesome memory from when I walked in pride parade in my pretty small home city. I was asked by a priest (an ally) what flags I had. I explained and when I explained the aromantic flag I could see her wrinkle her eyebrows. But when the parade was over a young person ran up to be saying: “I loved to see your flags! I’m also aromantic!!” So that encouraged me a lot! An ally might wonder what I’m talking about and wrinkle their eyebrow. But young people might see the aro flag and feel validated and that meant the world to me! 😊

I just happen to see this conversation but wanted to add a thought… I doubt that people would consider aces & / or aros to be machines or animals if they’d meet anyone who identify as such. But I’m sure they might react that being without romantic or sexual attraction or relationships would be unthinkable and only possible within the animal kingdom or for a machine (in a sci fi story or something). So if an actual person said “Hey I don’t feel that way I’m aromantic” they could say: “That’s not real. It’s a basic human experience. A robot / machine could be without that but not you who are a human being.” So they’d be invalidated, not believed and ridiculed. And treated like a child like they didn’t know better. but that’s not very nice either 😌

Thanks for everything you wrote! I can relate to this very much. ? I feel so validated when I’m able to express my feelings and thoughts and realise now - when I know about aromanticism - that others can understand me and also relate to what I’m experiencing. That’s so empowering. Representation matters SO much. I’ve only been out for about a year and already I understand what other aros mean about the heavy burden of trying to explain your identity to everyone. Even if people are respectful and want to listen it’s a lot of work, I realize! ? and yeah, Jughead, so sad that he got paired up in that new version. I’ve only heard about it….. but so sad when he seems to have been a great aro character if he could stay as he was in the original comics. ?

I can understand that it’s very annoying and hurtful ?

I’m starting to understand more and more how heavy this norm is and how hard it is to go against it…. Its hard because it’s so subtle. Not many people think of it being a norm in the first place, right? They simply take it naturally, that everyone falls in love or wants to fall in love. im 38 years old now, and in the beginning of this year I realised I was aromantic and also asexual. It was liberating for me - I didn’t have to pressure myself anymore, there’s nothing wrong with me, there are others who feel the same! And there are other ways to form meaningful relationships, you just have to think outside the amatonormativity box. But even if I know those things it’s still hard. Because the rest of the society and the ones I know - in my workplace, my family (especially my mom) and friends don’t know about aromanticism. They’d still think there’s something wrong with me, that my life is sad without love and so on. I guess it’s hard to re-think one’s life for yourself too? I still can feel an emptiness inside of me when I’m thinking of my future being single and without family. I don’t have a strong desire to have kids of my own so that’s not a big issue in itself BUT the issue is the way I’m thinking of my life - the society norm is so strong that children and family life is what makes a life meaningful, that it really gets to me when my mom asks questions like “Aren’t you going to have children? What are you going to fill your life with?” I can’t tell her about the year I’ve had, going through an identity crisis, making new friends, thinking of lgtqia+, learning new things because she’s against everything lgtbqia+ and pride. Therefore when I tell her about this year being tough she doesn’t understand me, of course. She probably thinks it’s tough because I’m single ? It’s very complicated. Thanks for reading my rant ? I hope maybe somebody can relate to all this. I also have a lot of feelings of empowerment and liberation thinking about breaking norms and so on, I guess this week I’m just tired and it feels very heavy to stand outside the amatonormativity. To not fit in.

I can relate to so much of what you’re writing ?

Just sharing my thoughts on this topic….. I’ve been single all my life….. and I haven’t been a person who people have been flirting a lot with…. (I have heard I “scare guys away” being so non-impressed by them, but I don’t know - I guess I haven’t been in a lot of situations like that because I simply haven’t been interested in putting myself there) but when I have had those few experiences of MAYBE getting involved with someone romantically I’ve felt a strong repulsion inside of me. Which I haven’t understood. But I understand now (I found out not long ago that I’m aro). I’ve also felt strong repulsion when I’ve tried dating websites (ha ha ha ? I wasn’t online there for a long time! ?) I don’t feel romance repulsed by romance in media a lot, just feel a lot of tiredness I guess - and resentment cause it can remind me of “this thing I’m “supposed” to like but I simply can’t get myself to feel” ? I can enjoy romance stories in for example books if they’re about intimacy and companionship because I guess I can relate to that - it’s what I do long for too, but for me it’s happening in platonic relationships such as friendships. I HATE stories with for example the trope “enemies to lovers”. It the characters hate each other at the beginning I can get myself to understand why they have to be together at all? That’s a concept that simply doesn’t work for me, and I lose interest very fast. I do feel repulsion for objectification and whenever people are flirting with me, by the way. Ew ? I feel a strong repulsion inside of me like my soul is getting tensed and shouts “no!”

I love my friends and I wish all the best for them, of course. And I’m happy about their love life. it’s just that I do relate a lot to what you’re all writing about in this thread - about romance being very annoying sometimes ? I remember one time when me and another friend met up with a third friend. I don’t know that third friend very well so that might be the reason for this too….. but I remember so strongly how all our conversation was about them talking about one of them being in love and her new boyfriend. I was so angry about that , and of course I can understand why that third person only wanted to ask her about her new boyfriend - they’re probably more close friends and so on. It’s just that it hit a tender spot inside of me I guess - hidden aromantic spot ?. Amatonormativity is so strong, that every conversation seems to be about romance and love interests, what’s interesting about a person is about what’s going on in their love life? I remember that moment because it really hit me in that tender spot. Amatonormativity is so erasing, I’ve often felt so completely invisible because nothing romance related is happening in my life. (I’m not angry with those persons, I’m just annoyed with amatonormativity. ?)

I’m glad I found this thread right now. I’m having that kind of days this week where I easily feel fragile and I’m thinking a lot about the struggles and challenges of being aromantic. im 38 years old and I found out about aromanticism in December. It was when I also read about asexuality, I’m ace too. It was such a life changing experience but very liberating and empowering because I’ve been having a hard time before that making sense of why I was different and - what was wrong with me. Such a relief to know that I’m not being weird, I’m not broken and there’s even a pride flag, a wonderful community and a whole new perspective in life! so I am happy being aromantic. It’s just that - there ARE challenges. I don’t want to pressure myself anymore into feeling things I can’t feel. I don’t miss things about romance that I never have liked in my life anyway. But what I AM wondering about how I’m able to find a solution for is the need for companionship, intimacy and so on….. things that can be found in friendship, but it’s hard with friendship sometimes. Im also struggling a bit right now with this whole coming out process - before I knew I was aroace I never thought of myself as queer or lgtbq+ and now I’ve found about this! I’ve got a hard time figuring out where I fit in. And although my friends are accepting and understanding and so on, they don’t seem to understand how exhausting this whole process is for me and how vulnerable it makes me. Well, I’m sorry if I’m over sharing. It was just nice to find a thread about struggling with being aromantic. I am very proud of this identity and it gives me strength, but as I said - right now I’m feeling very vulnerable and I’m wondering a lot about my future right now. Thanks for reading ?

Yeah I certainly do!! Especially when I feel that my love for my closest friends are stronger than most people feel about their romantic partners. ❤️

After me realising in December last year that I’m aroace I’ve thought a lot about my many aromantic moments in my life. I postponed learning about asexuality since I didn’t think that could be me - because I felt so obsessed with sex. That was all I could think about! (Funny thing is that it’s not more than that - I like to think about it sometimes, that’s all ??) But the thing is, I THOUGHT sex was more important to me than it actually is because I never thought about romantic love AT ALL. sure, I’ve been thinking about it like something I need to get done in life, but then always felt the pressure. It simply doesn’t come naturally for me. It feels fake and like a burden that before felt like something I had to get myself to feel in order to live a whole human life (ha ha it feels so ridiculous now! ?) In life, before knowing about aromanticism, I felt very weird. I knew something was different and odd about me, I just didn’t know it was totally valid and not something that needed to be fixed. I learnt how to mask how I really felt - I learnt what was expected of me to say when comments came about “everyone falls in love sometimes” and things like that. But sometimes I’ve just blurred out things not thinking of what I’m saying and this moment I’m going to tell you about now is one of those moments. I was in my 20s and I sat talking with a friend who was married at the time. I guess I was older than 25, something like that. I remember from our talk that she was very worried about me cause she thought my flat mate was in love with me - everybody did at that time since me and my friend was VERY close (platonic love ?) (actually me and my ex-flatmate are still best friends and I’m also a close friend with her wife ?) anyway, this friend that I was talking to, raised concerns also over the fact that I was single (I’ve always been single) and said something about “so when are YOU going to find someone?” and I blurted out, spontaneously: “Yeah, I need to find someone to have sex with.” She said: “Ehhhh, I meant of course someone TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH” Me thinking: “oh right! ? THAT was what I was supposed to say!” (I’m 37 years old and I haven’t “found someone” to either spend my life with OR have sex with - instead I found out about asexuality and aromanticism and turns out I don’t have to change, I’m already 100 % valid ???) (I haven’t “found someone” since I haven’t been looking ?)

Not a song but a poem that I’ve been listening to on repeat again and again when figuring this whole aromanticism out (or I mean - there was nothing to figure out, ? i am who I am, I just didn’t found out about aromanticism as a word and identity until December 2020) is this one: it’s my favorite poem from before too but it has meant SO much to me now when knowing I am aromantic and seeing my life in a new perspective. Andrea Gibson is my favorite poet, they use they/them pronouns now so keep that in mind when listening to this old recording of the poem. It’s about self love. About being your own big “love of your life” .

I’m at an event with the Christian queer organization I’m a member of. It’s the first time I’m with them when being aware and open about being aroace. During introduction last night I told them and got very positive feedback. Even if a lot of people don’t know about asexuality and even less about aromanticism they seem very interested in learning more. Today I’m thinking a lot about this group and how important it is to me so I wanted to take the opportunity to also say that. Thank you for being my aro group! ?

I learnt about both asexuality and aromanticism in December - so I’m new knowing about it but I’ve felt this way all my life. It took me more thinking to realise I was asexual, but I knew aromanticism was my identify as soon as I learnt about it. As long as I can remember I simply haven’t got it, I haven’t understood what “romantic love” is all about. I was indifferent to it growing up which made me an outsider (I guess I’m an outsider in other ways too....) When being a teenager hearing other girls talking about them wanting a guy who would take care of them - my spontaneous reaction was to just laugh - why wouldn’t they be able to take care of themselves? I grew up religious and my faith has always been very important to me. Which also means that I thought “that thing about finding the love of your life” can wait until later. When others my age in church were struggling with their both sexual and romantic attractions (having the ideal to wait until marriage you know ? that was the ideal in the church communities where I grew up) I was just indifferent and often annoyed as well. I has always been the quiet listener to my friends’ talking about being unhappy in love or feeling sexual attraction for people who didn’t want them back. ive always thought my indifference and repulsion to romantic love has had to do with my parents’ relationship. They haven’t been mean to each other but they’ve never been romantically interested in each other, I think. At least that’s how they’ve talked about it - of course they’ve had love for each other and affection, but never in a sentimental way. And they’ve never shown affection towards each other the way that is expected I think in western society. I’ve always thought that “I’m never going to settle for someone just because, I’m going to wait until I really FEEL real love for somebody”. But that feeling has never happened to me. I can enjoy thinking about romantic love sometimes. It’s the same with sex for me, I enjoy thinking about it certain weeks (not every month though). When I do I can read romantic and erotic books - but romance books without sexual content usually bores the hell out of me. And the interest always fades away after a couple of days..... I’ve always been wondering about this and thought myself to be so weird. Why do I never feel these things in my own life, why do I only enjoy reading about it sometime? I’ve been wondering about what’s wrong about me for my whole life (I’m 37) and then I read about both asexuality and aromanticism in December and it has given me a whole new perspective on my life. And also this community - to know that others are feeling similar and have similar experiences, that means a lot to me. ?

Reminds me of when my aunt asked me: “And you haven’t found one?” (She was talking about a man of course.) And the answer came from my heart in a relieved tone of voice: “No seems like I’m better off!” ? And she said very confused and annoyed: “What?!” The dialogue is even better in my language, Swedish ☺️ anyway, it was before I knew about aromanticism, I’ve never been interested in romantic relationships, whenever I was trying to care about it because “you should” it just felt like me trying to press myself into a mold that didn’t fit me. Or like I was trying to make myself feel something I just wasn’t able to feel. When I learnt about aromanticism a few months ago I felt such a relief and I thought about that conversation I had with my aunt - it was just such an aromantic moment! ☺️

I’m looking forward to tomorrow very much! :)