Black Sesame

On 12/25/2020 at 8:40 PM, DeltaV said:

What I meant here was: The language surrounding romance is very rarely serious. That is, it should not to be understood literally.

It's chock full of "cutesy" metaphors, teasing, cringy jokes and wild exaggerations. The intentions behind it are nonetheless mostly very serious. Including for third-parties like "concerned parents".

It can be compared to the job seeking process. The intentions are very serious here, but what is said in the process should not be taken seriously at all.

This is of course a problems for aros, who simply do not have any desire to engage with that nonsense. Honesty is not an option. It's very taxing.

That makes a lot of sense to me. It's really difficult to navigate through all that, but I guess to some extent we can't really help it. Thank you so much for your input.

3 hours ago, Most Appropriate said:

(At least my brother and sister both definitely want kids, and my brother just got engaged so hopefully that will take some pressure off me.)

It definitely does for me, because I know how much my parents are looking forward to having grandchildren and I won't have to completely deny them this wish of theirs, they will just have less or maybe I will adopt one...we'll see. 

8 hours ago, Erederyn said:

Yeah, there's an Arocalypse discord! I'm not sure if we can just put the invite link here, so I'll PM it to you :) 

I would love to join as well.

About the meet-up: Can anyone partake in it?

Thank you everyone for the replies. I think that I now have a good picture of what a "squish" is like. 

10 hours ago, ScarfOfSexualPreference said:

But, I'd love to be friends with Spider-Man, or Alex Rider, or Harry Potter, or the kids from Stranger Things (hecking Robin is so hot). Like, I just wanna be part of their adventures and hang out with them! But the idea of doing romantic stuff like kissing and hugging and... blech. 

It might not be a a "squish", but I can really understand the idea of wanting to be friends with fictional characters like Spider-man or Harry Potter. I would be happy to meet either of them. And maybe also Tony Stark and Sherlock,... 

Hello,

it is great that you are so supportive of her. I'm sure that knowing you have her back is already a great comfort for her.

11 hours ago, CreativeCat said:

I'm wondering, is she going to never want to congratulate or celebrate with those who do find and embrace relationships? And if so, then how can I help her to navigate this world without seeming rude or impolite to those who are in relationships. 

I can only speak from my own experience as a 26 y.o. aroace. In my case I feel strongly repulsed by any form of public affection and intimate topics, meaning that even holding hands or just stroking each others back in front of me can already make me feel uncomfortable. This does not mean, however, that I do not support other people's relationship. I am still genuinely happy for them and congratulate them. Just, maybe from a bit further away. When I was your daughter's age, coping with that was really more difficult. Now, 13 years later I honestly can't say that I am less repulsed than before, but in a society where romance and all kinds of intimacy are a vital part of people's lifes, its impossible to avoid completely. Over time I have adapted a lot. I avoid what I can, and when I can't, I just endure it. In my case, I'm not out to anyone, so I can't really say anything, but if I were, I would like it if people who know about my situation would respect my feelings and not be too affectionate in front of me, but if certain forms of affection are important to them, I would also respect that. Communication and mutual respect are the most important factors in my opinion.

It is just a thought of mine and it might be a little bit of a stretch, but interacting with many people from different cultural backgrounds has helped me a lot in coping with different opinions and the like, as well.

This of course is only from my perpective and your daughter might have a different experience. I still hope that this could help you in some way.  

Hey everyone, I've been reading about "squishes" a few times now and gotten a bit curious. To me its a concept that fell out of the clouds. I really had no idea there could be something like that (sorry for being ignorant about it). The way I understood it "squishes" are like "crushes" but actually not, or sth like that? I just wanted to know whether you guys have ever experienced one and if yes, what it was like for you?

On 12/20/2020 at 10:02 AM, 2 Spirit Cherokee Princess said:

It's not just you.  I was raised by a Christian family ("Be fruitful and multiply!") who all had too many kids & were quite disturbed by my lack of interest in anyone.  Other aros have gotten plenty of dense responses:  

This shows in a tragic way how many aros get to hear things like that. I'm not even out as aromantic, but can still tick some of those boxes...

On 12/20/2020 at 10:15 AM, nonmerci said:

When someone says that, I try to think about analogy. I do think that people who don't love Harry Potter (books or movies not the character ha ha) are missing something. Are they less than me for that? No they are not. And they probably have other interests that I don't have and think I'm missing something too.

Same with romance. Maybe we are missing something? Maybe. But we are not lacking of something that would make us more human. We are not less for that. We just have others focuses and this alright.

That's what I'd say when people think my life is miserable  because of aromanticism.

I really like your analogy and will keep it in mind the next time someone says I'm losing out in something.

Hello, Cinnamon.

I believe that identity is way more adaptable than we often assume, so its fine to identify with what currently makes you feel the most comfortable, even if you might end up reassessing it in the future. I guess many of us question our orientation again and again and that is okay as well.

Welcome to arocalypse!

Hello @Citrus PoppyI can't really help you with the specifics of your romantic orientation, bc I don't know anything about squishes, but I still want to welcome you to this community. Maybe you'll figure it out once you read more about other people's experiences.

Welcome to this site@Elin WI'm also still relatively new to the aromantic (and ace) community. Hopefully you can figure out what works best for you here. 

13 hours ago, DeltaV said:

To be fair, nobody takes that term seriously. It's obviously meant to be funny. I just don't get the joke.

You're right. I still feel weirded out by the word, especially when my Dad uses it, even though I know that he just wants to tease me in a funny way. He's always been like that. When I was 12 y.o. and we still had cable telephones, a boy from school called me and my family was all excited about witnessing my "first sprout of love". My Dad was like "Oh, is this your boyfriend?" and so on, while I was just standing there, regretting that this guy got my phone number. This might have annoyed most teens, but to aroace-me this just dealt double the damage. No guy has ever called me on my home number again after that.

Sorry for making such a big deal out of it. Am I taking these kinds of things too seriously?

I think searching for sad songs that don't talk about romance is a good idea, so tried to find some myself, gotta admit that it did prove to be quite difficult. Here's a list of what I found, though I'm not sure whether some do talk about romantic love or not (for me they don't ;-) ) Not sure if they suit your taste, but here I go:

Jack Savoretti -Lucy / Mother / Russian Roulette

TAL - Une mère, un père

I-Exist - A lifetime

Paramore - We are broken

RED - Hold me now 

Skillet - Would it matter 

Simon and Garfunkel - Sound of Silence

Poets of the Fall - Given and Denied

Nightwish - The Crow, the Owl and the Dove

Kansas - Dust in the Wind

1 hour ago, roboticanary said:

to be honest that does sound a lot nicer. I've never liked the idea of viewing relationships in a sort of predator/prey way. 

I'm feeling the same way. It also reduces the search for a partner to its most primitive and shallow form. Maybe that's why this question makes me more upset than others. 

1 hour ago, DeltaV said:

My sister is pregnant. It has stopped now. Can't still believe it.

Congratulations! I have high hopes that my older brother and his girlfriend will solve that for me soon.

1 hour ago, DeltaV said:

No, it sounds like from a comedy about an ultra-religious family:"How often do you pray? We just want to know your pray pattern!"

Sorry, sorry, I know, I know, you mean "prey pattern". Aaand that sounds weird.

Ah, this is really too funny. But honestly, they might just as well ask me about my pray pattern. ;-) Thx for telling me, gonna change that right away haha. (My smartphone keyboard does not have English, so I write from German...It's actually a wonder that I don't make more mistakes)

It's a late reply, but I can definitely relate to your feelings. To me this is still a very new development though, I used to not care about it for the most part of my life. What changed me is dealing with broken trust and a lost friendship that made me realize I can have bonds as well (when it was already too late). It might sound weird, but a year ago I read a book where the unconditional trust and strong bond between the characters impressed me (ignoring the romance part of it) and I started to wish for something like a qpr where two people rely on and trust each other on a platonic level, but at the same time my previous experience makes me reluctant to trust too deeply. 

I hope you, and all the others who wish for it, will find a trustworthy companion.

6 hours ago, Song of Dawn said:

My bonus sister and her boyfriend would do it at the dinner table. There's something so possessive and intimate about it, like it's not meant to be done in front of others? That's how it felt to me, anyway, and I'm glad to see that I'm not alone in that regard.

I feel the same way about this, though I have no idea where it comes from. I definitely wasn't taught to feel/think that way, so I can only attribute it to my aroace aversion of intimacy.

6 hours ago, Song of Dawn said:

I'm about 99% sure I am aro, but that 1% is like "maybe you're just very picky or demi", and I mean, how am I supposed to know that?

Right? It's impossible to prove, because there is no way to foresee whether things will change in the future. Currently the evidence strongly supports me being "aromantic", so I will identify myself as such until the unlikely event of it being falsified. It has its perks as well, after all love and relationships can seemingly be a lot of trouble...

Anyway, I'm happy to be able to connect with like-minded people here :)

@ErederynThank you for writing about your perseverance in making you family accept your own way of life and the encouragement. 

I understand your frustrations. Having a part of your own identity not being recognized by people close to you can be hard to deal with. I also ended up testing the waters with my dad when I was doing a pretest for a study about LGBTQ+ positive advertising. I ended up explaining some things to him and he was blocking it off as us just making it unnecessarily complicated. He didn't say it explicitly, but in his view, everything that isn't heteronormative goes against our human "nature". Just like you tried with your mum, I have arguments against that, but If someone isn't open to change, you might as well talk to a wall.  Let's not give up though! 

On 12/15/2020 at 10:26 PM, Mika said:

I never grew out of the stage where you turn away from the tv when people kiss, I have horrid shivers of discomfort when I see other people rubbing their partner's back or when people talk cute to each other. I never got interested in other humans for romantic or sexual purposes. However, I kept a romanticized fantasy of how a relationship could be, and ofc that sounded like it would be nice. A best friend that you were comfortable with being close to (as in: living with, calling "partner"). Someone to travel with, talk to, share bills with. Basically a person to just walk through life with. None of that cringe-y stuff you see on TV.

That sounds exactly like me. Nowadays, I try not to look away when watching tv, but seeing people lapping at each other really isn't a very pleasant sight. I also have the same thing with rubbing the back, never thought I would find others, it's rather specific after all. For me, even the sound of rubbing is making me feel uncomfortable. My brother likes to do this with his girlfriend at the dinner table (or massaging each other). It's making me lose my appetite, but of course I can't tell him that, so I can only endure the shivers. 

Comparing our experiences like that I am inclined to say that you are, like me, very very likely aromantic. But of course that can only ever be a suggestion. Maybe it's not necessary to define aromantic that strictly for yourself yet. If you are comfortable with it, just think of yourself as on the aromantic spektrum, no need to completely deny the possibility of experencing romance or other forms of companionship. I hope you find an answer for yourself. 

@MikaIt's good that you were able to tell your Mum ? 

Well, luckily I still have my two brothers who can take care of the grand-children on their own, so our family line won't die out because of me haha

Don't know why they keep teasing me about things like that all the time these days. Maybe they're just bored at home 'cause of Corona ... Most of the time I just give an ambiguous answer and shrug it off.

In Japanese there is the saying "shouganai" meaning "It can't be helped", which I try to think of in these moments. ?

7 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Remind me when I talk about asexuality with my mother. I don't know how to translate her reaction in English but it means "another new concept probably useless that this modern society created". And she is the open-minded one (well, she has an "as long as they are happy this way" view, which is better than my dad who screams "pédé" (insulting French word for homosexual) everytime a homosexual is on TV...) ! I think there is a gap of generation too

I guess it is difficult for many parents to understand these new forms of identity. But what is the use of an oversimplified concept that fails to represent many members of our society in a way they feel comfortable with...Maybe in a few decades a more diverse concept will have become the norm. Would be nice. 

@nonmerciThank you for stating you view on this. I'm honestly glad that I'm not the only one. ?

I do have to say that I know my family only wants what they think is best for me. It's just that they sometimes end up measuring that by standards stipulated by our society, which ends up failing its purpose...

1 hour ago, nonmerci said:

but you say since you are a kid that you want 3 children" (didn't try to explain the husband was optional in this scenario, and that when I was a kid I also wanted a hors and I change my mind).

That could have been me ?? Though, I did mention to them that I would prefer adopting a child, if at all. 

1 hour ago, nonmerci said:

That's kind of annoying because I'd like to be out, but I know they won't understand and I don't want to fight. So I am just dealing with that and get angry in silence.

I understand that. A few days ago my Dad came across the word "aromantic" for the first time, when I was showing him a pretest for a study about lgbtq+ positive advertising. He was like "What the hell is 'aromatic' orientation?" (no misspelling here) So I ended up explaining it to him rather objectively. He seemed quite taken aback by this concept. For him we are just making things too complicated, after all, he himself is "simply hetero" (that's what he said) and he grew up during a time period where there was hardly any positive awareness for people who weren't. That's why he can't keep up with the differentiation of gender identity, sexual and romantic orientation. So, I guess it's not the right time yet to break the jar ?

Recently I've been feeling my family's (especially my father's) expectations regarding my dating life, which ideally is supposed to lead to the birth of grandchildren, getting stronger. I'm 26 y.o. and I guess my family is getting worried, because others are starting families of their own and I have yet to even introduce someone to them. Just a few weeks ago I randomly used a guy from university as a reference, when talking about my courses (don't even really know the guy) and now my family is always asking about him as if I had a crush on him,  bc. why else would I have talked so enthusiastically about a guy for like 10 seconds. *A(g)ro me really wants to flip the table on that* Every time I look at a guy on tv for a few moments longer, they're like "Is that your type?" I was just wondering about Aquaman running around with wet hair all the time, alright? *flips table again* ... It's a sign how starved my family is for learning about my (non existant) dating life ... "We just want to know your prey pattern ("Beuteschema")" my Dad says, but firstly, "prey pattern" sounds really weird (putting it nicely), secondly there is none, and thirdly, even if there were, why would I tell them? Sorry for making this so long and ranting like that, but it just makes me feel kinda frustrated sometimes. I can tell that my Dad is really looking forward to me bringing home a boyfriend. That's unlikely to happen, like ever, but  I just can't burst the bubble either, because he wouldn't understand. I know that I have no obligation to fulfill their expectations, but it still troubles me. How are you guys dealing with things like that or is that even a concern of yours?

On 11/28/2020 at 10:49 PM, roboticanary said:

mid twenties now and discovered it a few months ago. I feel a bit old now.

same here ? Though I did know way earlier. It's hard not to notice when all the teens around you (seemingly) go crazy about dating, gossiping about who likes who, reading weird magazines with sex education, having crushes on xyz and whatsoever, but you're the only one not the least bit affected. ?