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CharCharChar

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About CharCharChar

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  • Name
    Char
  • Orientation
    Aplaroace
  • Gender
    Agender
  • Pronouns
    They/them

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  1. You could describe the feelings you had that you think might be romantic. You could describe what about the person you felt attracted to, or what you think triggered the attraction, or what you wanted to do with the person. You could describe how often or in what circumstance you think you are feeling romantic attraction. You could describe the kind of relationship you want (or don't want). Some words to consider if you're having trouble describing the feeling: glowing, safe, electric, warm, happy, calm, cuddly, desperate, longing, giddy, excited, curious, anxious, tense, loose, self-conscious, pulled-in, alive, awake, confident, whole (it's still going to be you who picks the label that makes sense to you)
  2. I know it doesn't fully make sense, but I feel the same way and I'm glad to see someone thinks this way too.
  3. I tried sharing the dodra- idea (my understanding of it at least) and it seems like it might be a standard gray experience that people didn't understand making a term for. So I put up a poll to see how many grays experience it the "dodra" way already. I guess I would let go of dodra (personally) if it's a standard gray experience. But you do what you want with dodra
  4. https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/204388-question-for-grays-not-demis/ I put a follow up poll on AVEN to see how common this "inbetween secondary and primary" attraction is for grays (also relevant to grayros who don't ID as demi if you want to pop over and vote). Perhaps my real issue is that "secondary attraction / secondary traits" is an extremely broad category.
  5. @Rolo Because the person experiences attraction rarely, and in those rare instances it's specifically from traits that are after "primary" but still doesn't take the deep/long connection of "demi".
  6. Point of interest from AVEN crosspost. There were concerns that feeling attraction after getting to know someone is just a normal aspect of attraction, and "gray" is sufficient.
  7. AMENDMENT: I intend "dodra" for those who already feel "gray" and are looking for a word to describe their specific "gray" experience. 2nd AMENDMENT: "No one will understand what you mean" and "A super specific label isn't useful" are arguments against microlabels as a whole, which is not the purpose of this post. Where does attraction after a first conversation go in terms of primary and secondary attraction? In that you've become aware of personality traits / interests / shared experiences and then feel attraction? In my few blips of ?emotional/romantic/alterous? attraction, it was what I would consider "after primary and before secondary". I recently talked to someone who had a similar set up for a type of attraction they experienced. I'd like to propose "dodra" as a prefix for this middle ground between primary and secondary attraction. Does anyone have concerns/questions? Why not just use demi? I feel like there's an important connotation around slowness and the emotional bond that separates demi from allo, that 1) I don't want to undermine demi and 2) I don't feel like demi accurately describes my experience. Why not just use gray? Because it made me really happy to stumble upon someone with this inbetween primary and secondary experience, and I think a word would be helpful. Maybe we should adjust the meaning of secondary attraction / or have a word for "quick secondary" vs. "prolonged secondary"? Sure that could be helpful, but I think it's harder to adjust a pre-existing and widely used term/model. Do you disagree that secondary has a longer-than-the-first-encounter connotation? Terms / Justification Demi is a prefix for 1/2. Dodrant is a prefix for 3/4. Dodrant doesn't work well as a prefix so I shortened it to "dodra," which I googled and it doesn't look like dodra has a different meaning. Primary attraction is based on immediately or very quickly known traits like appearance and the sound of their voice. Secondary attraction is defined as "developing over time" which technically could mean a few minutes, but I feel it's usually used to mean days to months. If allos (1) have primary attraction and demis (1/2) have secondary attraction, then dodra (3/4) could be used for inbetween primary and secondary attraction. [I crossposted this to AVEN a moment ago] https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/204382-demi-and-dodra/
  8. I've learned that "ace" means "asexual spectrum" -- (though some think "ace" should mean "just asexual no spectrum") Does "aro" mean "aromantic spectrum"? Does "aromantic" mean "aromantic spectrum"? I've noticed saying "arospec" and "aromantic spectrum" seems to be more common than "acespec" and "asexual spectrum" and I don't know if that's from the aro community wanting to signal spectrum inclusion more often, or if it's from the aro community using aro and arospec as not the same, or maybe it's a coincidence. Sadly google searches didn't get me a clear answer.
  9. https://charcharcharace.blogspot.com/2020/10/internalized-arophobia-be-nice.html TW: internalized arophobia I made the blog post on this topic for Carnival of Aros. Thanks for the feedback and support 💚
  10. Depending on how you interpret it, you might be experiencing "secondary sexual attraction" which is what some definitions of demisexuality use instead of emotional bond. "A sexual attraction that develops over time based on a person's relationship and emotional connection with another person." http://wiki.asexuality.org/Primary_vs._secondary_sexual_attraction_model?title=Primary_vs._secondary_sexual_attraction_model Personally, for the rare times I MIGHT have experienced platonic/romantic/emotional attraction, it was within the initial conversation, which doesn't fit into the usual connotation of secondary attraction because it's "too fast". But technically, personality and the experiences they've had that you relate to are all secondary traits. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you want a more specific term for your experience and can't find it, you could create one. I brainstormed some terms - but since you didn't *ask* for people to make up terms, I spoilered it. Let me know if you think of a good term (or find one) for inbetween primary and secondary attraction. Sesquipedalian (1.5) Attraction would be such a mouthful. Or if you find another definition of secondary attraction.
  11. Feelings are valid and don't have to make sense. To me your feelings make sense because losing touch with any emotion (even a "negative" one like loneliness) is a form of loss and could be making you feel "less human". I experience "emotional flatlining" where my emotions are muted or delayed, and on the one hand I like not dealing with emotions //which is possibly why this is happening //, on the other hand I feel like I "ought to fix" my emotional health. It's not a perfect comparison and I don't have an answer, but you aren't alone. I recently found the word aplatonic and I love it. (There's 3+ definitions out there, and I sort of mush multiple definitions together for myself.) There's certainly that voice of doubt going "Really Char? You think it's okay to not have any kind of deeper human connection?". But this is about being happy. Yes, a deep human connection with someone is a piece of being happy for many, but feeling obligated to fake or seek out deep connections wasn't making me happy. I'll just have to find happiness elsewhere
  12. Welcome! I also came from AVEN, or rather I was on AVEN first and meandered my way here. I like the relative quiet. It's cozy
  13. Disclaimer: I've had this disagreement before where others feel "the out group should not speak on behalf of the in group," which I agree with, however I feel I am not "speaking on behalf of" others, but rather summarizing what I've learned and adding on from my own experience. I accept this is likely going to be an agree to disagree situation @Jot-Aro Kujo I didn't mean to imply that erotica is truth. I feel erotica (moreso for demi/allo and ace/allo soft erotica) gives a glimpse into the author's experience of sexual attraction, even though the work itself is not true to reality. There have occasionally been descriptions of thoughts and feelings in erotica that stood out to me as what I don't experience, and that line up with theories of sexual attraction I've read elsewhere and conversations I've had with allosexual friends. All of which informs my perception of what sexual attraction is. I wasn't speaking specifically to the allosexual aromantic experience. I should have been clearer that I don't think all allosexuals experience sexual attraction the same way. Some have described a visceral feeling like electricity, and some such as yourself do not. I feel an ace perspective on what sexual attraction is is useful to this conversation. I had to cobble together a concept of sexual attraction to define myself against. The original poster may also have to do this. I feel your POV as one allosexual is incredibly valuable, but incomplete. Someone who is questioning benefits from knowing alternate definitions I've learned (such as visceral) as well as my ace POV on when thinking "I want to have sex with this person" has secondary influences and isn't sexual attraction. I genuinely appreciate that you believe I didn't intend harm. While I don't believe discussing the definition of sexual attraction should be left to those who experience it, I see how I should have been clearer that 1) it's a definition I'm choosing, not one I would prescribe to everyone 2) allosexuals tend to describe 0-1 elements of my defintion ((Wanted to add how grateful I am that so far Arocalypse has had very respectful disagreements, and as someone who loves to dissect ideas and is sometimes surprised I've upset someone, I greatly appreciate being calmly disagreed with - especially when I learn I should phrase something more carefully in the future and not upset people. I strongly dislike upsetting people ))
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