Okay, so... Everytime someone's crushing me or something I just feel very bad, like anxious and super uncomfortable, so this kinda pisseds me off in a way, cause it feels nauseous and suffocating also, and it annoys me (besides anger is like my primary feeling to things, ha). I don't know if I'm an asshole for this and it's like a conflict since I can't seem to stop feeling like this towards other people, even knowing that they aren't necessarily guilty of anything (btw these amount of feelings vary depending on how the person particularly behaves).
To exemplify, lately I've been dealing with a situation like this. I have these 2 friends (A and B) and I think they have/had a crush on me, for some reasons. Thing is: I really don't know how to deal with this, it's weird also cause I feel like I barely know them and vice-versa, so it's even worse, besides, they know each other ages ago so it's like they're always speaking between lines, which really drives me crazy, cause I feel like they don't include me in talks that even involve me (I know they might fear how I'd deal with the situation, but still...). It's like there's always something happening and I'm the only one who doesn't sees it, and friend B is so confusing, I feel like she kinda thinks I know everything and I'm just hiding it for my own pleasure, she also gives me these suspicious talks that only leave me more confusing, while friend A is more chill and calm on this whole situation, at least what he shows. I've already talked to them about not liking anyone, specially B but they don't seem to actually get it, don't matter what I say.
In this whole situation, sometimes they'd say some unecessary stuff (specially B), like this "I don't like people" were a choice that I made and I could be with someone if I wanted, and honestly, I was so shocked and disappointed that I wouldn't even react, that's when a friend C who's also in the aroace spectrum came to say that was wrong, and they were having a shitty behavior, they sort of stopped after this but I still feel a bit pathetic that I couldn't act for myself and actually solve things, it's really annoying that this situation was never really solved, in my opinion. They never came to talk directly with me about it, and I'm afraid to talk to them objectively cause I always feel like shit when doing this and my comunication skills are the worse, besides I feel like they'd think I'm just doing it to clear my conscience. Anyways, I'm also a bit mad at them for this whole thing since I'm feeling left out and wrong and guilty (even if tell myself I did nothing).
I must say that I've been always kinda lonely and my few friendships used to end in crushes, which is absolutely terrifying and makes me have a certain fear of getting close to others. I know this is too big and a super vent but I wanted to know if you guys feel something similar when someone likes you, and what I should do in this specific situation to "fix" things. By the way, thanks if you wasted your precious time reading this.
.png.5d9da2a03916e93b1a89b38fce8b2544.png "Rank: Tadpole (1/4)")
