Hi everyone! I'm new here Gray/Aromantic (idk I'm still not sure). I write this post to get an answer wich I looking for a long time.
Soooo... In my whole (short) life I acting a bit Aromantic. You know... I don't really care about romance, find movie kisses disgusting, run away from adorators, prefer sci-fi/comedies to watch, avoid "boyfriend/'my type' " conversations.
Also as a kid I liked to play 'house' with other girls but to avoid 'partner' i played as a dog. Everyone liked dogs so it was a perfect plan for me. And when it comes to play with dolls my character always stayed buisnes-woman and never have kids/husband while my friends character get both.
Nothing really change from that days. I still feel not right when I see couples/kissing in movies (I run away to avoid that). I don't really care about romantic partner (who cares? When I got so many great friends) while other girls have crushes then boyfriends and break ups and more... Mayby I can imagine begin close with someone but without kissing/dating/romantic gifts ect. It is just weird... I guess.
My life goal is make my own buisnes and have a cat (mayby adopt kid but I don't really need this. idk I'm 16).
To this point everything look's like I'm aro. But there's a something Else.
When I was 14 years old... I was get some kind of crush on a boy. I think that he is cool (he got much good marks and play the guitar) and handsome (in non-sexual way bc I' m Ace). I like to imagine being close with him but... I don't see this like other girls do.
I want someone who will care about me and who I can care about. Someone who will stay with me to the end (I don't like feel alone).
But I never get jealus about someone (even my crush/whatever he is). I need my space and I can't handle someone who is 24/7 with me and do all romantic stuff (it is so tiring).
I want someone to hug or who will cheer me up.
But I don't want to marry this person.
I (probably) don't want to have kids
I feel 'cut' from "I need to find the one". No I don't need ONE™, I need friend.
I don't get romantic stories in all (why do you travel around the world just for her, wtf?)
Back to the Mr. Crush (Let's call him Richard).
Richard is cool guy I get nervous around him (it can be social anxiety idk) and I often dream abot become friend/couple with him... But when it comes to do it in real life I just think: "meh... I got Monica she's my bestie. I don't really need him."
So when he smiles it is really cute and I get some thoughts like: "Why the hell I get so emberased... He is just preety!?"
I'm not too confident to go to him and (make science obserwations about my self) say 'hi'... I don't really ceare about make him my friend/ partner (gross... ).
So as I said earlier: "It might be anxiety mixed with aesthetic/platonic/alterous atraction bc I always get nervous around preety peoples (in non romantic/sexual way).
In the pas I imagined myself with Richard in romantic and sexual way (but I'm ace so I think it might be just a 'normative' mindset [I'm never feelt sexual atraction so I'm sure it is hah]).
Why I get nervous when I hear his vioce or see him (while when classmates said 'Richard is sick' I get tought like: "If it is romantic... Why i don't care. I care more about friends, huh?").
I see my family and friends as a special people... Not him. I like to imagine close relationship. But don't want do one, with him in real life.
I'm so confused. (Sorry for long post and weird english).