Neon

Not so much for me. The way I describe it is that it is like watching a documentary about dishwashers. It can be interesting, even fascinating at some points. But at the end of the day, I don't care.

wool

My best advice here is to be upfront. Be explicit that you only see them as a friend. You don't have to out yourself, just say something like "yeah, I love to hang out with my friends".

I didn't know quite what was strange to me about those situations until approximately 10 seconds ago, thank you for giving me the words to phrase this.

2099

"Why do you dislike [completely harmless thing]?!" idk dude it's just not something I enjoy. it isn't that deep. I especially hate it when people make it out to be a moral issue.

THIS!!! You don't have to be 100% sure to use a label that makes you feel comfortable. And if down the line it no longer fits, that's okay. If it's useful now, use it.

I don’t really care, but I find the marketing annoying. And I’m annoyed that people no longer let me express criticism since I came out. On the other hand it makes my family happy to celebrate with me, and it makes me happy when they are happy.

9

Just because you technically fit a label doesn't mean you have to use it. Labels should make you feel comfortable and free. My advice would be to not ID as ace unless you want to and it makes you feel good. I also recommend you check out non-SAM aros (aros that don't use the split attraction model).

144

I really like physical touch. But I don't like it when it is unexpected/unannounced. Someone I am close to just coming up and hugging me from behind is not okay, but that some person doing it after I am aware of their presence and intentions is welcomed. This is more nuanced with people I am not as close to.

I agree with all the sentiments above. I think there's probably a good way to say something like "something IS bothering me, but you've expressed to me before that it isn't something you are comfortable hearing about. I appreciate your concern, and something you can do to help me is _____ (helping me find a therapist, just being there with me, etc.)." Because you don't want them to think you are hiding things (because you aren't), but you don't want to cross a line, especially one tied to trauma.

I assume that this one comes from the conflation of aromanticism and asexuality. Since people think only humans feel love (probably false), if they think asexual = aromantic, they think asexual people are like animals. It also may come from people who mostly see domesticated animals in media, and thus do not associate animals with sex.

I found Izzy, Iz, Indigo, and Iggy.

oh its more embarrassing than that, I just flat out forgot that people date

Some people in a discord I was in were complaining about how they had to cancel valentines plans and it took me 15 minutes to figure out why people have plans on valentines day

This. There's a concept called the "social clock" and it's milestones that you are supposed to hit around certain times. A big one is marriage, and even before I knew I was aro, I knew I didn't want that. But I assumed it would happen, whether I liked it or not. And it's a strange feeling. Because accepting I was aro lifted the weight of that expectation off my chest. But not the expectation of the expectation.

I personally don't have specific goals. I want to be happy, however that plays out. Personally, I think that having a specific passion, mission, goal, etc. is unhealthy. Because if you lose interest in it, then what do you have left? If you don't succeed, how do you not see your life as a failure? If you spend all your time zeroed in on one thing, how can you appreciate other things for everything they are? I don't have anything that exists where an interest in romance would have. I doubt I would be highly interested in romance even if I wasn't aro. I just have a lot of things that bring me joy.

I love the stacked flag (the top left) but I am particularly fond of the sunset flag (middle of the second row).

Pills

I used aromanticism.org a lot in my own questioning, and still send people there if they have questions. I would highly recommend it.

Yep! I can send you the sources I used and some additional ones I've found since once I get some sleep. I would also be okay with sending you my outline, as well as some specific arguments for you to reference if you are interested.

Before I knew I was aroace, I knew that if I was queer, I didn't want to "come out" in the traditional "sit everyone down for a big announcement" sense. I even said that if I was queer, I would just come home with my SO one day, and that would be how I came out. And after years of repressed thoughts, I realized I was aroace. And I just felt so free. The first people I wanted to tell were my parents. But I really didn't want to have that announcement. So I decided to engineer it coming up in conversation. Plus, that way, I could "test the waters" and back out if need be. And it turned out that that did need to happen. When I brought up I was doing a project on amatonormativity, my mother insisted it wasn't real. She said that people who don't want a single SO to marry and spend their lives with are "aberrations." Months later, when I asked her to review my writing for the project, she again insisted that amatonormativity wasn't real, and that I should do my project on the etymology of the word instead. She kept saying that, even when I explained that doing so would not fit the requirements of the project (which was to make an argument, mine being that amatonormativity affects everyone). Eventually I gave up, at which point she talked at me for an hour (I was looking at the time) about how people without spouses die early. Since then, I have, for the most part, been more clear about my stance on issues and refused to entertain inaccurate, harmful, or hateful comments about any topic. This has led to my mom commenting about how I'm going through a phase where I'm against relationships and gender roles. Those instances cemented in me that I'm not coming out to my parents. However, during college, I decided to come out publicly. I had been flirted with and my number asked for multiple times since the start of school, and the weight of people perceiving me like that was getting to me, as well as feeling like I had to hide it. So I put pins on my backpack and flags in my room. I still didn't tell my parents. Recently, my mom had to undergo surgery. That, along with just being away from my parents more, made me realize that I really want them to know that I'm aroace. My dad has been in my room, though he hasn't said anything. I just really want them to know this about me. I want them to ask me questions, and I want to answer them. I've accepted I'll probably have to deal with a few months of weird comments, and I'm okay with that. But I still don't want to come out. It has to be mentioned naturally, and it has to be in an appropriate situation. Overall, it's just really frustrating, and kind of exhausting. Anyway, if you read this far, thanks.

I agree with this, and am basing my response off it so figured I should acknowledge you said it. "Sexualize" is most often used to describe when humans just living their lives are stripped of their humanity in favor of the sexual pleasure they (with any intention to do so) provide others. It's often used in conjunction with discussions around fetishes for of people of a specific race. A specific example would be seeing a toddler and remarking "watch out ladies." While sexual attraction is involuntary, sexualization is a purposeful action. By only seeing what people can offer sexually, you make it clear you do not see them as people. I do think there is a bit of a blurry distinction between sexualization and expressing sexual attraction, but I think it comes down to intent and consent. Intent would be why you are making a comment. Is it to flirt, to share a harmless joke among friends, to genuinely point out something you admire? Or is it to laugh at someone, to value them only for your sexual attraction to them, to make people uncomfortable? Both lists go on. Consent would be if the people you are making the comment to are okay with the comment, and (when applicable, because it isn't always) if the person you are making the comment about is okay with it. A example of this is asking someone beforehand if they are okay with watching a horror movie. I think we can all agree that tricking someone into watching, forcing someone to watch, coercing someone to watch, or just putting on a horror movie without permission is kind of messed up. And if someone says they don't want to watch a horror movie, no one would argue that the horror genre is being censored. Trigger warnings are a way of asking someone if they want to see a specific kind of content. They are a basic courtesy.