Rolo

I've been very involved with my local scene for years now, and have a few play partners. BDSM is completely non-sexual for me, but I love the trust and connection, and of course the playful fun of it.

10 hours ago, DeltaV said:

I'll skip that, though there were some serious misunderstandings. The most important problem is that you also missed "often / usually" at the start. Lacking a few points of the list => it would still be widely regarded as romantic.

I didn't miss the often/usually, I just disagree that that is what romantic love is often/usually like, or that plantonic love can't sometimes be like that. It's certainly what the media stereotype of romantic love is often like, but basing an assessment of what is/isn't romantic love on stereotypes is ridiculous.

4 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Romantic love often/usually

• is based on a gendered attraction (the romantic interest must have the "correct" gender)
• is exclusionary (which can lead to jealousy)
• is strongly influenced by physical beauty or social status
• starts with an unrealistic idolization of the romantic interest
• comes with an unrealistic aspiration of happiness from the prospect of being together
• makes people, in the beginning, be quite guarded and less truthful towards the romantic interest
• starts with overthinking and nearly obsessive behavior, which in other contexts would be considered age-inappropriate
• entails showing off "commitment" with nonsensical, costly and hard-to-fake practices (from waiting hours for the romantic interest to show up ... to buying an expensive engagement ring)
• does not develop in a continuous manner but with certain "escalation" peaks (e.g. first kiss, first "I love you")
• develops in a straw fire manner at first: it becomes strong very fast but is fragile and can easily go out completely

I disagree with this. Ignoring the weirdly judgmental tone of the whole post, I'll address these points one by one:

• Bi, pan and poly romantic people exist. And gendered platonic attraction also exists.
• Polyamory exists, as do possessive and jealous friendships.
• For some people physical attractiveness and social status are important, for many they aren't.
• This may be often a factor in limerence, but not all romance starts with limerence. This can also happen at the start of platonic relationships.
• This is true for most relationships... who starts a relationship (of any sort) with aspirations to be miserable together?
• Being guarded and less truthful with someone you don't know well is pretty normal, regardless of the relationship. Also plenty of people make an effort to start romantic relationships in particular on a basis of openness and honesty, far more so than they would if they weren't dating the person.
• Obsessive behavior is a trait of limerence, which can be a part of the initial romantic attraction but is certainly not required. Not sure what you mean by age-inappropriate.
• This one is a stereotypical (not universal) part of amatonormative romantic love, sure. I wouldn't term it as "showing off" though, plenty of people do these things without showing off at all.
• Sure. This is true of platonic relationships to an extent too, but the milestone are less obvious and significant.
• Same can be true of a shallow/new friendship.

Anyway...

To me romance is wanting to be in a committed relationship. This relationship may or may not included "romantic coded" activities like kissing, holding hands, and going on dates (I really see no difference between dating and going out with a friend, aside for the intention). It may or may not lead to moving in together and merging lives. To me it is the commitment and the internal identification that "this is a romantic relationship" that makes it romantic.

Just tell them you think they are an awesome person and really value them as a friend, but you simply don't feel that way about them and never will. Then carry on treating them the same as you always have. Basically... just be honest.  There is nothing you can say that will make being rejected not awkward and painful, but that's just part of life.

I've been in this situation several times. One man was weird about it and ghosted me, the others have all been cool about it and we have carried on our friendship as it was, after a bit of a cool down period in one case.

Nah, immortality sounds boring and intensely lonely. Imagine having no common experiences with the people who surround you, having no one who could even begin to imagine what your life has been like, or what your childhood was like... imagine outliving all other life on earth... sounds awful. I wouldn't mind having a few extra centuries though.

I've never tried with a haworthia but propagating succulents is normally incredibly easy, when leaves break off any of mine I tend to just leave them lying on the soil in the pot and they propagate themselves with zero effort on my part. Stick the broken end in some soil and see what happens.

? that figure is excellent.

"Romantic: Chemical Reaction" Be sure to wear safety goggles!

"Kink: sadomasochism, masochism, sadism"  ah yes they have truly captured the full spectrum of kink ? 

It's impossible to tell. Unless you want to ask a Magic 8 ball to predict the future for you or something.

I have close friends, but I am still aware that I could possibly be demiromantic or demisexual for all I know. I think identifying based on a hypothetical possibility is silly. As of right now, and based on the past few decades, I'm aroace, and if one day I end up falling in love or experiencing sexual attraction I'll think about calling myself something else then.

To be honest it sounds like you are just going through the normal process of growing up and exploring your feelings. It's not at all unusual to go through a period of disinterest in romance after a relationship ending, and it's also normal for the frequency of the sorts of shallow crushes you seem to be describing to slow down as you leave your mid teens.

You might benefit from talking to some other people who identified as aro-ace for most of their lives and then ended up falling in love... Maybe try asking around over on AVEN? More users = more chance of finding people with similar experiences. I think regular user Skycaptain had such an experience, of falling in love, and experiencing sexual attraction, for the first time in their... late 40s I think?

"I'm not interested in having a romantic relationship"

I think he has communicated his position quite clearly. He doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want anything to change, and by body language he clearly doesn't want more physical contact. What you should do at this point, is respect that. You can't change change him, and ignoring his boundaries hopefully isn't something you would do to a friend, so at this point you can only take responsibility for your own feelings. Your sense of abandonment when he moves away, your need to discuss things he is not willing to discuss, your need to develop the relationship further... these are not his responsibility to address, and you cannot force him to, and so you need to figure out how to either live with them, or move past them.

I often observe this sense that everyone should want to talk about feelings and relationships and want touch, and not wanting those things is somehow unhealthy... just like some people think not wanting romance is unhealthy. Just like there is often an assumption that aromantic people must want a QPR, which seems like an extension of amatonormativity. That even if you don't want romance you must want some sort of committed or hierarchical relationship... Anyway I don't really have a point here, just thought that this thread inspired.

If the arousal is completely unconnected to a desire for partnered sex, it's not sexual attraction.

Clearly? How so? He has several romantic relationships and is in love with Rachel for a while, I wouldn't call that "clearly on the aromantic spectrum". 

I'm fine with 'single' ,and yes I call myself single. To me it just means "not in a romantic relationship". I've never read anything else into it, but then I've never been particularly inclined to over-think the meaning of words or to want words that describe my experience in precise detail.

2 hours ago, Jedi said:

Is 'single' the formal term for being unpartnered in english speaking countries?

I'm not sure if I would describe it as a 'formal term' but it is the word used on forms that ask about relationship status.

I get the standard "wow you've got a PhD? So impressive! That must have been really hard." sort of comments every now and then. But anyone who knows me well will tell you I'm a very lazy person and would never do anything that actually requires real hard work. The success that from the outside looks like it must have taken a lot of dedication and effort was actually achieved because I find research easy and fun.

I don't think being aro has anything to do with it. I work with people who achieve much more than me, I have friends who devote most of their free time to volunteering, I know someone who has learnt 7 different languages for fun... all whilst also having romantic relationships. My sister has a husband and 2 children and she is far more successful career-wise than me, because unlike me she has grit and is extremely ambitious. It's just a matter of personality, interests, and skill/intelligence. Personally I put whatever time I might otherwise dedicate to pursuing romance towards hanging out with my friends.

I suppose I'd class myself as having a secure attachment style these days. I used to be avoidant - fearful, but I've changed a lot over the past decade or so. I don't think it is in anyway related to my being aromantic, other than that I am assessing this based on my close friendships rather than romantic relationships. Romance isn't the only type of attachment after all.

I suppose not having a relationship made spending the first decade of my career moving to different countries regularly easier, I know the "2 body problem" is something that people in committed relationships struggle with in academia. 

Yes, I haven't seen most of my friends in person since last February. Video chats just aren't the same. The couple I have occasionally seen it has been for 2m distanced walks, which isn't exactly companionable. I miss them, and I'm feeling lonely.

To me romance is wanting to be in a committed relationship. This relationship may or may not included "romantic coded" activities like kissing, holding hands, and going on dates (I really see no difference between dating and going out with a friend, aside for the intention). It may or may not lead to moving in together and merging lives. To me it is the commitment and the internal identification that "this is a romantic relationship" that makes it romantic.

None of it "bugs" me, it's just not something I'm interested in having myself. I like living alone, but that applies to not wanting a platonic roommate just as much as it applies to not wanting a live-in romantic partner. I don't like hierarchical relationships, but I'm not interested in any of the non-hierarchical poly forms of romantic relationships either. I just don't want that sort of committed relationship and I have no fundamental sense of what romantic feelings would be like or why I would want to experience them.

It sounds kind of like you've already discussed relationships if you know he isn't doesn't want one right now? If you have both previously mentioned a general lack of interest in dating, and he's knows that you know he is gay, then there's no reason he would think it was a date. It's perfectly normal for friends to go out for a meal together. Just ask the same way you would ask to meet up for anything else. 

Personally my normal turn of phrase for such a situation would be: "Fancy getting something to eat after the park?" 

I have a cat and chickens, and lots of house plants.

What makes you think this is different from what most alloromantic people experience, of a crush naturally fading, or going through periods of not having anyone they are attracted to?

83% aroace

17% alloromantic asexual

0% mostly aromantic

0% not aromantic

0% demisexual

As it happens I'm actually 100% aroace but I'm sure the test tried it's best.

Not sure how old you are, but why do you need your parents permission? It's your hair. Save up your pocket money and pay to have it cut yourself.