GhostyPeppers

I'm not ace, but I think I could help.

The thing about aromanticism (and asexuality too) is that our experiences are very diverse, and unlike a lot of other identities, can be impacted by neurodivergentcy, trauma/experiences, etc.

I know a lot of aroace people who claim that their ace identity does impact the way they view romance as well! As an alloaro (bisexual to be more specific), I also struggled with telling the difference between romantic/platonic/sexual attraction. It seems to be a pretty common experience here! 

Coming to terms with my aroness made me realize that, although I liked the idea of romance in theory (mostly through fiction or my wild imagination), I could not possibly see the appeal in real life. I have tried, and it never went anywhere. I would feel this strong attraction towards someone for like, the first month or so, then my interest suddenly faded away. I realized that I was mainly developing SQUISHES on people rather than crushes, and the "loss of interest" could have possibly been me finally feeling like they were the friend I secretly wanted.

Some aromantics love romance as a concept and actively participate in it. Some aromantics absolutely hate romance in all shapes and forms, and may even feel repulsed around the idea of being romantically involved at all. Those, however, are two very extreme sides of a coin. Terms like aro-spec and aspec exist BECAUSE there are so many different ways to be either of those things.

I say you are very likely to be aromantic as well, BUT you don't have to use that label either! Its honestly whatever you feel comfortable with calling yourself at the end of the day.

I always saw/treated romance as "a best-friendship with extra steps/benefits" , which probably explains a lot about how I view my orientation now.

I just never fully grasped what made a romantic relationship different from a platonic one, aside from kissing I guess?? I actually don't mind kissing (although experience is limited), but is that really the only thing that makes it different? At least whats considered socially acceptable.

I like romantic-coded things in fiction, and seeing two people with really good chemistry interact, but when I try to replicate the same thing it always fails. My longer relationships lasted because I was friends with that person before, and the shorter ones ended because I confused sexual attraction for romantic (? I think at least, still experimenting with that theory).

The only thing I "hate" is that not even alloromantics can decide what the proper definition of romance is.

I usually try to restrict myself from posting a lot on these forums because I don't want to seem "annoying", but I really do wish they were more active.

Unrelated: are there any good aro-spec discord servers?

I'm planning on making my own mini comic about my personal aro experiences and posting a part each day!

As someone who had a pretty lonely childhood and had "romantic relationships are the best" shoved in my face constantly, I think knowing a lot sooner would have helped prevent me from getting into horrible situations. Trying to force yourself to feel things that you don't feel can be very confusing and pretty damaging, at least for me it was. I remember going into my new classroom everyday since Elementary and basically picking one person at random to decide to have a crush on (mainly boys) because I just assumed thats how everyone else did it?

And then there was sexual attraction which made things MUCH more confusing dating wise. I would feel sexual attraction in middle/highschool and just...assumed thats what love was? Wanting to bone? Thats how the media portrayed it at least (love at first sight or whatever).

Sorry for the ramble but, this thread just got me thinking a lot about how I tried to force myself to be romantic as a substitute for happiness and belonging.

@HotRamen sorry for the late reply, but here it is!
https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/hooverville/list?title_no=572627

Like I said, neither characters have been offically revealed yet, but I will as soon as I get the chance to.

(also, I try my best to tag possible triggers/content warnings since heavy topics are going to occur sooner or later)

Aside from the various art projects I told myself I was gonna do, I think I wanna work on being kinder to myself.

Last year really took a toll on me and my already horrible self esteem. I was still in deep denial of my aro identity and suffered because of it. I had also just gotten out of an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship that year, and the gaslighting that person did made me think horribly about myself.

My goals are: 1. Be more open/accepting of my aro identity, 2. Continue to learn more about the aroace community, and 3. Improve my overall self image.

17 hours ago, Sam Spade said:

I found an in-depth guide once but I can't remember the blog. (I'll try to find it again)

From an aroace perspective, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong. We need ace romances, QPRs, and characters who don't want relationships. 

I've read that your aro or ace characters shouldn't be robots, aliens or villains (the whole 'don't feel romantic attraction = evil and heartless' stereotype). And having an emotionally distant, traumatized or socially awkward ace character could play into stereotypes too. 

A helpful quote from https://simplyoriginalcharacters.tumblr.com/post/162641610574/how-to-write-an-asexual-character - 

"Do include multiple asexual characters in your story. Doing so decreases the burden of representation. E.g. If your story has one character who’s asexual and introverted your readers might assume all asexual people are introverted. When your story contains both introverted and extroverted asexual characters, readers are less likely to make that assumption."

(this goes for all minority characters btw)

Thank you so much for all of this, I especially found the blog really helpful!

Would it be ok if I advertise my webomic in this thread? I have one acearo and one aceallo(?) character (although neither have been revealed to be so just yet, I am still only on episode 2)

Otherwise, I will let you know if I find other comics with aro/ace characters

So I am sure there is already an in depth guide somewhere on the internet, but I think its better to get multiple opinions from people who Identify as aro, ace, or aroace (+any variation that comes with).

To be more specific, I plan on writing/developing some aroace characters (for my webcomic) and as an alloaro, I want to make sure I don't accidently misrepresent my aspec peers. Although the story won't revolve entirely around their relationships, I still want to make it an important part of their identity due to the lack of aroace representation.

The first character is a side character who exists to be the mentor/father-like moral support of the small community he lives in. I thought about making him aroace with either being sex/romance repulsed or indifferent.

The second character is ace, but maybe not aro?? She has no interest in sex nor would anything in the story put her in that kind of position (shes an anthro bird and the whole comic is sfw with the exception of an innuendo/implied themes here and there).

I even thought about putting the two main leads (this including the second character previously mentioned) in a sexless QPR to show how strong of a platonic bond they have to the point where its more than a simple friendship.

With all of this in mind, are there anything I am either doing wrong? Are there things I think I should include that are related/exclusive to an aroace arc? Any sources/guides you would like to share? Feel free to give me your two cents, the floor is yours. And feel free to ask questions/clarification.

Im alloaro and I also thought about getting into a somewhat sexual QPR. Im still not fully out as aro but I've been working on it. Hopefully I would try to use some of Holmbo's advice for myself.

I wanna try out qprs in general just to see how they work. I wish the best of luck to you, Bas!

7 hours ago, rockyaro said:

sorry this is my first time here - i made this account today.

 

i was wondering if i am aromantic. i’ve been questioning it for a while but i’m worried i think this just because i recently realised i’m asexual and therefore think i ‘should’ be aromantic as well.

these are some of the things that have been confusing me:

1. i’ve never had a crush before (i’m not even sure what that feels like) but a big part of me does want a relationship with a guy.

2. i’m very affectionate with all my girl friends (hugs/cuddles, kisses on cheek, etc.).

3. i’ve never felt that uncomfortable with romance in books or movies.

could i actually be aro without adhering to most of the aromantic stereotypes?

1. There are a lot of aros who still want to be in relationships/like relationships in theory, so the lack of attraction but desire to be with somebody still makes you aro! 

(also, squishes (platonic crushes) are pretty common for aros to have and often get confused for crushes)

2. Although those things can be considered romantic-coded in context, there also present in a lot of non-romantic relationships! I say as long as your friends are ok with that level of affection, theres nothing wrong with expressing your platonic love that way

3. I go back and forth on this, but I would consider myself a mainly romance-positive/favorable when it comes to fictional depictions of love! Aros can have a varying level of comfortableness with romance (fictional or real) and not everybody is gonna be exactly the same!

Overall, nothing sticks out to me as "not aro" because there are so many different ways to be aro. Thats what makes aro/ace identities so unique! 

I think reading through other people's experiences with their romantic/sexual attraction has helped me understand this concept better, so feel free to explore

Im also alloaro, and sometimes I wish I was ace so I could feel less gross about only having sexual attraction.

BUT with that said, there is nothing wrong with still feeling sexual attraction without romantic attraction! I just wish the stuff you get out of a romantic relationship wasn't exclusive to them. I would love to live with a close friend and maybe even have a casual sexual relationship with one if possible. And since somebody already mentioned it, the SAM has helped me wrap my head around the whole concept as well.

On 10/10/2020 at 8:13 AM, Guest Aroana said:

I never had a problem with romance in movies or in other people’s life, I guess my early signs was that I never really had a crush on anyone, it was more like a friend crush if you know what I mean.
But the real signs came when I first started getting into relationships, I felt sexual attraction and I liked the guy as a best friend but not long into the relationship I stated feeling trapped and almost claustrophobic. This feeling of being trapped kept happening whenever I would get into a relationship and I even felt panic whenever someone would express feelings towards me.

I am now 18 and I just last week figured out that I am aromantic and I feel both relieved and a bit anxious. I just really want to talk to someone else who are also aromantic and I don’t know anyone who identifies by that term. I don’t really know were to go with this new information about myself.

Yknow its really hard to find people who have your exact experiences. This is probably the closest thing.

I experience a lot of sexual attraction or even "aesthetic" attraction, yet I would often mistake that for "love." Someone else in this thread also mentioned "love at first sight", which would describe my sexual attraction more ig.

I especially relate to the feeling of claustrophobia or the sense of being trapped in a relationship, which is even weirder if it was a relationship I pursued in the first place. I liked the idea of romantic relationships in the beginning, but I would soon find myself getting that sense of anxiety. If not, complete boredom if it went on for too long. Like, if you take away the physical/sexual aspects of a relationship, what makes it any different from a friendship? And why do some of those things have to be exclusive to one type of friendship?

Ive never had any hangups when it came to supporting aro/ace people, but I am now struggling to accept my own aro-ness. I hope returning to these forums would help.

On 8/11/2020 at 12:58 AM, Queasy_Attention said:

Realizing I was aro changed the way I viewed relationships in media. I realized that what I really liked about those relationships was the specific attractions I related to- platonic and sexual attractions, specifically. I really like it when two people have an interesting relationship in which their friendship is unique and unexpected, or unlikely yet enduring. I like stories where their physical attraction is unexpected or forbidden, so gay romance really hits with me, particularly historical gay romance. 

I also like the friends-to-lovers trope, because I think my self-insert fantasy is to just have a really good friend with physical attraction/affection/intimacy added into the mix.

I used to ship a lot. Now that I actually know what it is that I like, it takes a little more to get me invested than just a few spare glances. I haven't shipped anything new in a while, but I have a handful of old ships and saved fics that I keep in a back filing cabinet in case I need a pick-me-up. Most of them are for books, TV, or movies, but I do have one old lil' RPF ship that's stuck around with me through the years. They have such a cute dynamic ❤️ 

But now I've mostly been reading original books instead of fanfic. There's a lot of good trashy romance if you know where to look for it, and I've found a few really good ones. It's funny to see which authors know how to write good chemistry and which authors paint by the numbers, lol. I'm not saying original fiction is any better or worse-- and in fact, a couple of books are much worse than some of the stuff I've read on AO3-- but I think I just got tired of having to interpret my own queer reading onto obviously straight media. I like reading books written about queer people for queer people, and I find it more rewarding when the canon text has the guys or the girls get together in the end.

I still ship every once in a while, but I think you describe my relationship to it perfectly. I've been thinking about this for a while when I discovered I was aro back in July. I find myself more invested in the character dynamic and relationship development than the relationship itself. I do like to look at "romance coded" things, but in a vacuum, and shipping happens to be my vacuum of choice.

I mainly ship my own characters now since I have more control over their dynamic, but I'll occasionally see two characters and go "haha they're boyfriends" just because.

And I do occasionally think of them in s*xual situations. Thats a lie, I think I do more than "romantic" forms of affection.

edit: ALSO real life shipping is usually a huge no-no unless the two people in question are actually dating, but even then I wouldn't call that "shipping", more like just finding a couple cute.

I do ask about others friendship statuses sometimes, but I do so out of instinct rather than on purpose. I didn't even notice that I did it until this thread! Wonder if thats an exclusively aro thing?

Anyway, I thought up on some prompts that could help:

"So you've been staying with X? How's that been?"

"I saw you've been hanging around with Y a lot recently, any particular reason?"

"So do you and X have anything in common? What kinds of things do you guys do?"

"Oh my goodness, my friend Y just did this crazy thing. Does X ever do stuff like that?"

Saying these things verbatim might come across as unnatural, so feel free to remix these however you like. I mainly based these off of how I usually start off conversations about other friends. Even starting as simple as "hows your friend X been?" is good!

I always want to know what my friend's friends are like, even if I'm not friends with them myself. 

Update: After a few months we broke up, but are remaining as friends!

I guess I'm ok with that since I was starting to lose interest in the relationship and he probably was too. I don't know, I tried being "romantic", but it just didn't work out.

i do feel sad, but I can't tell if its because of the breakup or if I just...secretly wish I was "normal". I still suffer majorly from internalized arophobia despite being a supporter of other ace/aro people for years. I guess its different when you have to deal with it yourself.

Anyway, I appreciate the support you all gave me nonetheless! I think aro people who still choose to be involved in romantic relationships are valid as heck, I wish I could though. Maybe I could try QPRs one day. 

So...after promising myself i would never enter a romantic relationship again (made after I accepted my aromantic identity), I went ahead and got into yet another relationship.

See, what happened was that I started playfully flirting with a friend of a friend (who i wanted to get to know better anyway). I think I mainly did it because I found them somewhat attractive, plus they seemed very sweet! Yet as we slowly started to spend more time together, the flirting became less casual and they even started dropping hints back. After a bit of a back and forth, we finally opened up to each other and expressed interest in making this a thing. They are fully aware that Im a-spec and is ok with dating an aro person!

At the moment I was very happy and excited, but now looking back at it a day later...did I do the right thing? I know some aros still chose to be in romantic relationships for whatever reason, but i feel like i'm "leading them on" or something. Am I a bad person for getting into a relationship I might not be fully invested in??

I basically told myself that I wasn't going to stress over the romantic relationship like Ive had in the past, that it was going to be "casual", and if it doesn't turn out good, then i could remain friends with them. I like romance in fiction, and i do enjoy romantic elements irl (kissing, dates, etc), its mainly the attraction part that still takes me for a ride. I don't know if im completely aro, aroflux, frey, cupio...I'm feeling a lot of mixed feelings right now.

TL;DR:

I hooked up with someone I was interested in (in one way or another) and Its making me further question my aro identity that I was previously comfortable with. Did I make an oopsie?

Hope this post was a t least somewhat coherent. Not the best with this stuff.

Im glad im not the only aro who had a "obsessed with romance at a very early age" phase. Tbh I feel like the media really makes it out to be like romance is the only reason to live sometimes, ANYWAY- I hope you find your place here! We're a very welcoming community! Ive definitely felt welcomed when i first joined and i hope you do too. 

I constantly switch back and forth between "I don't need romance to be happy, I have great friends for that!!" and "I am so alone and sad,, I wanna share a bed with someone and make out and aaaaa-", so I totally get it. Its also hard when you try talking to an allo person and they treat your aromanticism like it is a choice and not simply something you have zero control over. I never felt happy forcing myself into relationships, nor do I always feel happy not having them at all because my brain was conditioned to believe that romance was the ultimate source of happiness. But they'll always be like "maybe you just haven't found the right person yet" or "I know you've been heartbroken in the past so I understand your choice to not be in relationships anymore" like?? I cannot control the aromantic in me, I literally cannot. I've tried for years and its only caused me problems.

So yeah anyway TL;DR: 

I completely relate to your experience as a rom-positive aro person. We can get through this together

I don't think I have bipolar specifically, but I have noticed that I have frequent periods of very productive high energy weeks/days and then I'll suddenly have a week where I don't wanna do anything or talk to anybody because I feel so dead inside, like all of the energy I had the week before is suddenly completely gone. That could be just normal depression or something but I don't know.

And, to briefly bring up aromanticism, I have noticed that I tend to "yern" for romance/sexual intimacy during these unmotivated moments than I do any other week where platonic friendships are more than enough.

Anyway sorry if it seemed like I hijacked a post that was only for bipolar people, but reading your description does kinda sorta describe me in a way? I would also love to know more about Bipolar since I know there is a lot of misinformation about it everywhere

Hello! Welcome (back)! Glad to have you here!

Hey, welcome! Hope you enjoy your stay here

4 hours ago, Mark said:

I see platonic friendship as being a subset, rather than entirety, of friendship.
I'm very open to doing romantically coed things with friends or having non-platonic friendships.
I don't see romantic relationships as more than. (If I had to rank rank them as less then.)

Huh, Ive heard of QPRs, but I never considered non-platonic friendships to be a thing. I just assumed friendships were platonic by default?

This is an interesting insight, thanks for sharing

34 minutes ago, ravensong said:

 Today i realized that all of my "romantic" relationships have just been friendships with kissing. 

GOD I feel that so much!

Anyway, welcome to the community! I haven't been here for long, but as far as I can tell you'll fit in just fine.

Being on this form has helped me accept myself better, so I highly recommend reading through as many forms posts as possible. Good luck on your journey my dude!