Oatpunk

This isn't so much a "rejection story" as a "silent horrified stare" story, but it definitely made for a harsh enough rejection anyway. When I was a young teen I had a friend who had a massive crush on this boy, and she was pretty sure that he was into her too. She talked about him all the time and I was trying to be a supportive friend, encouraging her to say something, etc. Then, one day, we're playing truth or dare and someone asks this boy to name the prettiest person in the tent. I immediately lock eyes with my friend like "oh, shit, it's happening", and she looks so positive and expectant that this will be their moment. And then he says my name and I see her entire face just darken right in front of me. I had barely ever spoken to him! It was mortifying and I avoided him like the plague afterwards. What sort of Perks of being a wallflower bullshit is that?

I guess one way I'm a "bad" aro is that I don't care much for respectability politics or the movement to paint aromanticism as something palatable for everyone else. Some people care a lot about what society thinks and act like it's our responsibility to counteract the idea that we are all cold and loveless, but I think that allos' prejudice is their own problem. We shouldn't have to adjust ourselves and overcompensate with cutesy nonsense just because they lack the ability to view us as humans. Even if we keep insisting that there in fact are many aros who want deep relationships, etc, that does nothing to combat amatonormativity or our dehumanization. I don't think saying that should be something that's upsetting to aros, but apparently it is. Also, I realize that this sounded really bitter so here's a funky ghost to finish it off: ?

I thought this was really funny for some reason, just you all by yourself at the beautifully decorated altar in a horrendously expensive dress. Like when Sue in Glee married herself! I never imagined a wedding, per se, but I did sometimes imagine having a significant other that I was living with in the future and it was the same thing there. The focus was never on the person, but rather that we had a nice apartment and a stable economy and a fat cat. Strange how this person was never home when imaginary future me was there ?

I had this Phase™ in my late teens where I was dating around like it was my last year on earth because I thought that wanting to kiss someone meant that I wanted to date them. Even when I was clearly uncomfortable with other parts of it, kisses are so romantically coded that I didn't even stop to think that "hm, I'm bored and uncomfortable with this situation, maybe I don't want a relationship". Once, I followed a person home, in an entirely different part of town, and when I found out that they were a bad kisser I immediately lost all interest, said "oh, my mom's calling gotta go byeee", and I still thought that I was feeling romantic attraction to them. So, yeah, you might be aro if the only reason you think you're attracted to someone is because you want to make out, and if they aren't any good at it, you immediately want to pack up your stuff and leave.

Heyo! Alterous (and other types of) attraction are separate from aromanticism and can both be felt or not felt by aros and non-aros alike. Aromantic spaces are often the ones talking about these other types of attraction because our non-normative way of having relationships kind of forces us to, but aromanticism is only defined by a lack of romantic attraction, nothing else. You can be heteroromantic and still feel alterous attraction. If you want to define it, you can always slap a prefix on it, like bi-alterous, etc. Good luck with your friend!

These are my exact feelings about my greyro identity! I don't get attracted to people and even if I did I don't think I'd want a romantic relationship with them anyway, so what does it even matter? Me probably being in love with someone as a teenager feels like such an irrelevant thing now.

Hello! I see you've already gotten around to making some posts, but welcome anyway, I'm happy you found us! I'm not apro, but I have been in a similar situation where I thought I felt romantic attraction, confessed it and then had to break it off. It's an awful feeling that I think a lot of people here can relate to. It's easy to feel like it's your fault but staying in a relationship with someone you're not attracted to is only destructive for everyone involved. Romantic attraction is an abstract mess and for many people the only way to figure ourselves out is to experiment and learn from our mistakes. Have some aro ice cream and don't be so hard on yourself

I'm not even allosexual but stuff like this is part of the reason why I don't feel comfortable in ace spaces. It's insane how ignorant and self-involved it's possible to be, even when ace people do in many ways face similar misconceptions and erasure as aros. It's so fucking interesting that aces seem incapable of letting go of the concept that aromanticism is just a subset of or another word for asexuality when aros don't have the same issue. Who is misinforming all these baby aces? And why doesn't aven use their platform to try to clear up these misconceptions? It's concerning that you appear to have told your friends off more than once, but they still act like this. I really hope you sit down and have a proper talk to them about it!

I'll add you to my to-be-thought-of list! It's getting long, but that's fine since aros occupy most of my thoughts anyway..

Ayyyy, I love Ash! Their videos really helped me as well when I was younger. I think it's really cool that you're openly aroace at university, it probably makes us visible to a lot of students who had never even heard of aspec people before. I'm glad you're so positive about it, and we're excited to have you here!

AUREA has a list of research on aromantics here. I haven't read them myself, but that's pretty much the go-to page if you're looking for info on aros! Also also also, is your name a dragon age reference?

It totally sounds like you could be! What a mood, this pretty much sums up my past relationships as well. In my experience, it's really common for aros to mistake their squishes or sexual feelings for romantic attraction, which can play a large part in why we generally take so long to find out that we don't feel it. Pretending to have crushes, jumping through hoops to convince yourself you're feeling something you're not, being disinterested in romantic plot lines, simply feeling different, are also all common discussion topics in aro spaces. That you enjoy taking care of the people you care for has nothing to do with your potential aromanticisim, since these actions have nothing to do with romance. There are plenty or aros who want to have close relationships with others, just as there are plenty of aros who don't. Ultimately, as I'm sure you know, we can't decide for you, but it definitely seems like you're on the right track.

Hello! I think a lot of us were raised with the expectation to one day get married and have kids and it can really mess us up. That probably goes for most people, but it's of course extra harmful for aros. Marriage is seen as this magical end-all, but... you know, society has been wrong about a lot of things, and this is just another one of them. So, to your question: What now? Well, the best thing you can do is get to work on unlearning these norms. There's unfortunately no quick fix to rid yourself of them, but I think arocalypse is a good place to start. Here you'll find a lot of people who are living happy, fulfilling, unmarried lives and just seeing that is really powerful in itself. If you are repulsed by the thought of being in a romantic relationship, you simply don't have to be. There's no "destiny" for you to follow any path but your own. I know it may be hard to just start to believe that after spending a whole lifetime being told the opposite, but if you repeat it enough it can become your truth. And welcome, both of you!

I'm resurrecting this because I saw some tumblr posts today that made me laugh.

I find that every time I reach an issue like this in my writing the answer is always: add more characters!!!! If you're worried about the credibility of her going and finding some aros and aces after the story, maybe she tells someone how she feels, and they realize that they feel a similar way. If this is a culture where aromanticism and asexuality are not discussed, there are going to be a lot of people who don't have a word for it, and she can be the person to prevent someone else from going through what she did.

Yes, I think this is exactly it. Concepts like "platonic soulmates" and "love is what makes us human" are just amatonormativity with a new coat of paint. We need to shed the idea completely. Human beings are defined by being a wrinkly brain in a vertical meat sack and that is literally it. Nonmerci described aplatonic pretty well, different people seem to have different definitions, but basically people who don't get squishes. What I meant by loveless was the aros who are uncomfortable with the concept of love and don't want that word applied to them, neither when talking about friendships or familial relationships or hobbies, etc. Yeah, and maybe thinking that what they are experiencing isn't an "aro experience". As if how they're feeling is just something else that's wrong with them, or that they are sullying the name of other aros by living up to a stereotype.

I can't believe I haven't seen these yet! They're great! I've never seen pacific rim and it's honestly a bit ridiculous how affected I was by that scene. It was so cute! We really need to see more types of intimacy in films.

Yes, I definitely agree with what the others have said about valuing friendships higher and feeling abandoned by friends when they get romantic partners. I also think my aroness is at least partially responsible for why I'm not super into physical affection. I don't like cuddling even if it's entirely platonic, and I'm averse to certain types of physical contact. This has put me into some awkward situations with friends!

A funny thing (Read: actually really fucking annoying) is that since we have all these negatives stereotypes, there are also a lot of people trying to combat them by instead pushing the idea that aros are super soft and fluffy and warm and sentimental and touchy and, most importantly, normal. "Sure, aros may not want a romantic relationship, but we still have queerplatonic partners. It's pretty much the same thing! And sure, aros may not fall in love, but love is still the very core of our existence with our love for cats or art or nature! Just like a normal person!" As if touch-repulsed aros, aplatonic aros, promiscuous aros, loveless aros, etc, are nothing but negative stereotypes and not real people who may very well consider their aromanticism to be integral in shaping the way they see the world.

Ouff, that's a tough one. At this point I don't think it would be presumptions to bring it up, though. He's clearly too shy to properly ask you out, so I think it would be best for the for both of you if you kindly said that you're not interested.

OOoooh, that's so nice to hear! I had a queer coworker once who almost seemed to instinctually understand my aroness and it was such a great feeling, since I never talk about it with anyone but my closest friends. I didn't even realize how much it was wearing me down to be in the closet and deal with alloro bullshit until I felt the relief of being actually seen and validated.

Yeaah, once I walked into a room and was immediately informed that I had not only unwittingly dyed my hair in the bi colors, but also wore a shirt with the bi colors. I was a walking fucking bisexual flag and I was like "Oh, that's interesting but I'm not bi." But hah! Joke's on me! I totally was.

I always read aromatic as aromantic anyway so it's all the same to me! ✌️ I do think it's funny when autocorrect thinks I wanted to write "romantic". Like.......no, that's the opposite of what I was trying to say.

Hello! I'm sorry you're going through this. The thing that really concerns me about this is that she would live with you because you can "be her help anytime"? That sounds like a massive red flag to me, and adding that to how you perceive her to prioritize everything else over you, it just doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. Since she has been open about being aromantic from the start, I think it's understandable that she doesn't enjoy engaging in romantic talk, but that doesn't sound like the issue here. If she makes you feel unimportant you need to talk to her about that. It's possible that it stems from a lack of communication or simply an incompatibility between you two, but it's also possible that she's using you. You deserve a relationship where you feel fulfilled and fairly treated.