such

It's possible to find someone good-looking and get that nervousness and excitement without it necessarily being a romantic/sexual crush. It might help to ask yourself when you are around them, what do you want to do?

Do you feel compelled to touch, kiss or be physically closer to them? - I think that's a sign of physical attraction

Do you want to get to know them? Spend more time with them? Do you want to be their friend? - Could be platonic attraction/squish

Do you want to go on a date with them? Could you imagine dating them and being in a relationship? Do you want them to notice you romantically? - Could be romantic attraction

I am about to move out from living with flatmates and start living alone, and I can't wait to have my own place. I'll have a lot more freedom to invite people over. I'm not big on the usual Christmas traditions, but if you're the host you can make the rules I guess. 

I've been meaning to post about this since the book first came out, but for the aros like me who are into romance novels, you might be familiar with Ali Hazelwood. She wrote the Love Hypothesis and a few other contemporary romance books. Most of her books have low-key aspec characters.

Her most recent one, Love Theoretically has an aroace character and actually (briefly) explores the character's struggle with coming out.

I think it's huge for a mainstream novel like this to explore aromanticism. Ali Hazelwood's novels are hugely popular so it's going to reach a lot of people. Plus I really liked the character and how they fit into the story. Worth checking out if you're into fictional romance.

Yeah I agree that O had a lot of potential as an ace character that was wasted. It's a shame that some key scenes got cut and I found myself getting more and more disappointed the further the season went on. 

But there were some strengths to the character too, she had a lot of great moments throughout the season, where she was portrayed as being cool and confident and an empathetic human (which is so rare for a canonically ace character!) 

For me the most disappointing part was the ending, where she attempts to make apologies. She just didn't seem that genuine to me and continues to be widely hated until someone else makes a gesture to forgive her at the very end. That's a pretty weak redemption imo. It's no wonder that so many people read her as a villain throughout the season.

And yes a real shame that aromanticism isn't included! She was sort of queer coded though.

My top songs were all from the Heartstopper soundtrack...

11 hours ago, godlessape said:

Yesterday I finished re-watching How I Met Your Mother, and without revealing spoilers, there's a lot of romance and friendships in it (but more romance than anything else). In my opinion it is a really good show, but it got me thinking about my own relationships, and about just how alone I am.

Although I think the depiction of frienships in the show are really good, I think there is something about How I Met Your Mother that is incredibly amatonormative. 

Ted's vehement belief that he will fall in love with the perfect person and the way he devotes his emotional energy into finding the one perpetuates the narrative of the 'soulmate', that there is a romantic happily ever after for everyone. There is one line I recall where Ted jokingly goes "wow if I'm not married in three years there is something seriously wrong with me" which is a bit arophobic (not to mention there is a fair amount of homophobia and transphobia littered throughout the show)

I actually partly blame this show as one of the reasons why it took me so long to figure out I was aromantic and asexual. I started watching the show when I was 14 and finished it when I was 21. I thought my life would look something like the characters on the show when I was in my 20s, and it didn't really turn out that way. I do wish I had a solid group of friends like that though. I still watch the show occasionally but I'm a lot more cynical about it now. 

Aro questioning is one of the most confounding existential crises you can have, where you question what you are capable of feeling and doing and being, and you try to figure out what you actually want vs what you were told you were supposed to want. It is incredibly confusing and sad and lonely. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with it.

It took me a while to accept that I was aro. I am a bit obsessed with romance genres, I also love that shit. So I explored microlabels for a while, trying to figure out where I 'fit' on the spectrum, but then I decided to give up on that.

I don't feel like I need to figure out if I'm 'grey-' or 'demi-', nor do I need any microlabels (even though microlabels are incredibly valid!). I *know* I am aromantic because I don't feel romantic attraction to anyone, and I never have. Even if I wake up the next day and suddenly find myself attracted to people, that still really wouldn't change how I identify today. And it doesn't change the things I want to do and be right now.

Identifying as aro doesn't and shouldn't close off any possibilities for you in the future. Instead it does the opposite - it opens up the possibility that you could exist happily without the conventional romantic narrative.

Saying that you are aro is simply a way to describe a type of experience, so if the label fits, then you are aro. And if the label isn't helpful and is just causing you too much confusion, then you might find it easier to be unlabelled, and that's okay too.

 

17 hours ago, Storm_leopardcat said:

Yep, I’ve heard that most/many Asian cultures, especially ones in families, have a lot in common. They are generally same. The same brown/Asian aunty who asks you personal/insensitive questions, lol.

Well, that sounds like an interesting job! Reminds me of social work, or volunteering in organisations!

The local council has a library? Also, which movie(s) will be showed for movie night, if you don’t mind me asking?

lol yep we all have that aunty!

Yes some of my colleagues have a background in social work and I used to work for a charity organisation, so it's basically the same thing but for a city council. 

We were really limited by what we could show because it's hard to get the screening rights to movies. We're just showing an independent film called Akron. 

btw feel free to dm me if you want!

On 9/27/2022 at 10:49 PM, Storm_leopardcat said:

Hmm, no, I understand. It’s that way in Pakistani culture too, for Urdu. And I guess for most desi people as well. Being Asian can be hard. Overseas, even more difficult. I may not exactly be an American Asian immigrant, or child of one, but I am an overseas Pakistani. 

That sounds like an interesting job, I have never heard of it! I’ll do some more research what that job is all about (unless you would like to tell me yourself; I didn’t ask as I thought you would be busy). 

Yes I'd imagine there would be a lot of commonality if you're an overseas Pakistani!

I do a lot of things in my job, mostly running programs, projects or events that respond to issues in the community. One that I'm excited about is a queer movie night we are holding at the library! Our local council has never done any activities for LGBTQIA+ people before, so it will be nice to provide a space for queer people at the library. 

On 9/26/2022 at 3:48 PM, Storm_leopardcat said:

Huh, why, what kind of job do you have, if you don’t mind me asking? 

I'm a community worker in local government. I don't think I have a very confusing job, but again when you have parents from a different background or are not as well educated, it can be hard for them to understand who you fully are sometimes. For migrant kids, there can also be a literal language barrier between you and your parents, and the language for your specific experiences and identity may not exist in certain cultures. I don't want to generalise because different people will have different experiences with their family. But it can be hard sometimes!

Last year The Wiggles introduced some non-binary characters, including a unicorn that uses they/them pronouns

https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2021/08/23/the-wiggles-non-binary-unicorn/

Joan and Sherlock from Elementary - the whole show is centred on their relationship, their deep commitment to each other and the way their lives are inextricably linked. The show actually explores each of them dabbling in romance and dating (not with each other), but ultimately it never works out because their lives aren't suited to 'conventional' romantic relationships. It's not perfect, but in my eyes it is some of the best QPR rep! They care about each other so much and it's not romantic or sexual 😍

And simply the fact that this is a show where the two main characters, a cishet man and a cishet woman, do not fuck each other and have no romantic tension throughout all seven seasons is groundbreaking 👌

I think of most romantic or romance-coded behaviour as cultural, not natural. Dating, courting, wooing etc. are all things that society have deemed as 'romantic' and they are always laden with cultural norms and expectations. This includes marriage as a social institution. Marriage is not natural and @roboticanary you make some good points on that.

What I do think is natural or innate is attraction, including romantic attraction that can be strong and enduring enough between two people to motivate a life-long committed relationship. And marriage or not, I think people do recognise that there are benefits to a committed long-term relationship if two people really love each other. 

The problem with romance in society is that it's assumed to be compulsory for everyone, it is restricted to monogamy, and it has become the only acceptable model for relationships.

My family is Chinese and I wouldn't say that getting married is being pushed on me (yet), more just unspokenly expected? Like I just  know that my mum and dad have always expected grandkids and will expect me to get married, they don't even have to say it. It's what every Chinese family does, they raise their kids until those kids have their own kids and I know my parents have this vision of looking after their grandkids one day. Soon all my mum's friends of a similar age will start bragging about their grandchildren and she'll feel left out. 

I do think my parents are starting to get the vibe though that it might not happen with me or my sister. So far we've been spared from any pressure from them. 

I enjoyed it. For me, it was really relatable and had really similar experiences to Georgia, the main character in the book. But that's because I also just happen to be an AFAB sex-averse aroace like she is and went through a lot of the same internal conflict (even though I didn't realise I was ace until I was 23). Definitely cried at some parts. 

I don't think it's groundbreakingly good writing, but it's YA, so I wasn't expecting too much. 

In terms of the ending,

I mean, I would encourage you to read it and judge for yourself because we are just so starved for aroace representation there are no real alternatives at the moment ???

You could include the split attraction model and different kinds of attraction? I feel like that's something that allos could relate to but may have never really thought about before. Also how attraction does not equal action, and who you have sex/relationships with does not invalidate your identity!

16 hours ago, RepublicServicesVolunteer said:

I just looked up both terms. A difference I've found between the two is that aegosexuals don't imagine themselves in their own sexual fantasies, while adexsexuals do.

Ah okay, makes sense!

This sounds to me a lot like aegosexual. If you're familiar with aegosexuality, do you think there's a distinction somewhere? 

But because of the similarity that jumps out at me, I would say definitely aspec. 

Ian seems so cool! I hope they're doing well!

12 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Gender itself is ???

omg this ☝️

@Karst Thanks! Yeah I think it makes sense to take my time on this. I think time can have a huge impact on shifting how you understand yourself.

@Apex Thank you, that is a really helpful way of thinking about gender for me! 

Hi! Congrats on getting to this point of learning more about yourself!

I am in my mid-twenties, but I also have Asian parents, and I'm also not sure about coming out to them. 

I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you have to them. You say you kind of want to come out to your parents, what makes you feel that way? Is it important to you that they know about this part of yourself?

For me, I'm still not sure. I'm not super close to my parents, and I don't think they would really understand. But also, I don't think they would outright reject me either. But right now, it's not so important for me. My parents hardly understand my job, so I don't really need them to understand that I'm aro and ace. That might change in the future. But for now, I'm just focused on building a better relationship with them as an adult. 

But I totally get that it's hard with Asian parents! There's this huge cultural gap and I imagine it would be very hard for them to grasp the complexity of attraction and identity. Good luck!

So glad for you!

Congrats on taking the step! I'm sorry I don't have too much advice since I have very little experience coming out to family. But it sounds like you've thought it through and you're prepared. You got this!

Maybe one way to start the conversation is to preface that you're about to tell them something important, and tell them why it is important to you. That will hopefully put them in a more open-minded mindset.

Good luck!

You may be aegoromantic, someone who can only feel romantic attraction in fantasies but not in real life. 

Your experience sounds similar to mine. When I was a lot younger I would also have these fantasies, and I loved the idea of romance. But none of the boys I knew were attractive, at all. It took me ages to realise that I just didn't feel attraction to anyone.