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About WaywardHeroine

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    middle of a rice field
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    English teacher

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  1. It sounds to me like you are expecting a lot out of your potential partners. Not very many people feel comfortable with being treated like objects. Now, a relationship can be whatever you want it to be, but you should understand that a lot of people are not seeking relationships in order to have something to possess. Before entering a relationship, both parties should make it very clear what they are expecting out of it. Finding another person who shares that exact desire to be possessed/possess the other party would be difficult, which is where compromise comes in. You have to understand that looking for a partner is not like shopping for a car or a pet. You can't just feed and water them like your gecko, because humans need more than that to be happy. Your partner needs to be getting something out of the relationship too, and you have to accept that you're probably not going to find someone that enjoys that feeling of possession as much as you do. For you, this means that if you truly desire that companionship, you're going to have to compromise. You will probably HAVE to inconvenience yourself in order to provide something enjoyable out of the experience for the other person. I don't think any of the feelings you described are evil. It's only evil if you are intentionally hurting others without trying to improve yourself, which is clearly not the case here. The ideal situation would be for you to find a partner who gets the same dopamine rush you do, but as people are so different from each other, it's a very slim chance. This is why relationships are so hard. People can be frustrating, especially those you care about. Relationships often require both parties to make sacrifices for the sake of the other, even inconvenient ones. Also, I dunno, maybe look into some kink communities? There are people who enjoy that kind of objectification. But, regardless, the words of the day are compromise and honesty.
  2. So first, hello! I'm Katie and I'm new. Second, I have a bit of a dilemma: I think I’ve dated a lot of people for someone definitely on the aromantic spectrum (I assumed I was biromantic until recently, but I think that was just denial, to be honest). My current partner and I have been together for over six months now. When we first met, we clicked immediately, and I was even a little jealous when they started chatting with the other people in our group. Afterwards, we started texting, and things just fell into place. This was the first relationship I’ve ever actively pursued. I really really wanted this person in my life. The thing is, lately I’ve found myself trying to avoid them- making excuses to get out of dates, or finding a reason to be busy on the weekend to avoid hanging out. It’s gotten really bad in the last couple of months. I’d write it off as just me being an introvert, but I don’t get this kind of anxiety when I’m just hanging out with my friends. It’s kind of hard to explain, but whenever my partner asks to make plans, I become irrationally and unreasonably defensive, like they’re encroaching on my space or personal time. I know it’s stupid, and I feel awful, but I don’t know what to do about it. This isn’t the first time this has happened, either. In my past relationships it would happen all the time. I would be friends with a person, they would confess, and as soon as we started “dating” a switch would be flipped, and I would immediately engage avoidance procedures. I would get ticked off whenever they would wish me goodnight, or ask how my day was, and I didn’t want to hang out as frequently, even though we’d been hanging out as friends for months. Not to mention that every time we kissed, I would be counting the seconds, and cuddling made me incredibly uncomfortable. I assumed those feelings of “wrongness” was just because I wasn’t with the right person. I’m really worried now, because I care very deeply about my current partner. I don’t want to feel this way, but lately I have this voice in my head saying, “Okay, is it over yet?” I really like this person, but I don’t understand why I feel the need to avoid them. Am I just being irrational? How should I deal with these feelings?
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