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    afab trans (agender, practically mostly famale for social reasons)
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  1. @Holmbo, I wouldn't call that particular type of confidence you described confidence though. It happens to me a lot too and I might not really talk about stuff with people if I felt pressure not to though. To me it's just etiquette, or social pressure not to talk about serious, socially abnormal stuff with friends so that few people have to bother questioning social norms? I'd adapt myself to it, at least on the surface, if it felt too risky, or too inconvenient for other people not to. It's about adapting yourself to what seems to be conveniently confident to other people. It's not good or bad in itself but it's not really relevant to confidence I guess? And in fact it makes you rather uncomfortable by doing so, doesn't it? (Although talking about stuff with people who don't seem to bother listening would be even more uncomfortable.) I'm not sure if this is the right term (just found it looking up my dictionary not sure about what kind of nuances that it has) but it seems like "outward" confidence and imo what people expect as being confident is just "abiding by social norms without complaining" and it's wrong by itself --it's rather adaptation level than confidence-- so outward confidence is not really related to confidence.
  2. Phew. The poll turns out to be there are more confident people than those who aren't, here at this moment...At first there were more people who didn't think of themselves as confident in the poll, so I thought I might be taking the word definition of confident wrong and seeming super conceited to everybody! Like it made me suspect that everybody might be thinking that we shouldn't be confident until we start our own business and become super successful or something and that they might be setting the bar really high. In my case, the better I get at explaining complicated feelings I have, the more I can be confident. That's probably why facing problems like discrimination sometimes helps us gaining more confidence in the long run. I understand it can destroy our confidence in some aspects too though. There are things that I feel would remain discriminated against no matter how I become good at explaining about them. It's pretty discouraging to think about those kinds of aspects that I myself can't handle, but basically I think if I can explain more things that I can't capture in words right now, I'll become more confident. It might be a balance of how you are fit in society/are okay with making socially normal choices + how many tendencies you have/choices you make that are out of the social norm you can currently validate verbally yourself or can feel you're going to be able to do so eventually because you feel you chose that option reasonably even if you didn't have any verbal explanation at the moment. People who are okay with sticking to the social norms could probably feel confident by itself because they don't have to explain stuff to validate they're choices. People who are not okay on the other hand have a lot of homework of validating their choices, because it's more likely that people asks why they chose those strange options. It's tough and unfair but once they have ways to validate it, they'll probably feel confident, I think. Or if they feel they are going to find answer to that homework along the way, they'll feel confident too. At least in my country, I feel people tend to set the "You're not allowed to be confident unless you reach this" bar too high and they seem to be spending like entire life to seek confidence. And it makes me feel like they are thinking no once should be confident until they have fulfilled every requirement to be confident that our society implicitly imposes to us. And it's honestly suffocating. I'm confident myself but a more important reason why I try to say I'm confident might be that I want to lower the bar (that we kinda share) a little bit...So it's confidence for myself and the other people at the same time, I guess. Being confident doesn't mean one can't complain or seek advice/help or ask to get rid of external pressure. It's a whole different thing. It's just the problem of how people unreasonably associate these as signs of insecurity and I feel it's really wrong. To me being confident is just like saying "I don't worship social norms, so I won't probably judge you based on them," to myself and to other people.
  3. @DeltaV, why don't you add it to Urban Dictionary? It's rather handy than strange. It's a loyal pain to type out what it stands for every time I want to say so and it happens kinda often.
  4. Oh, that was what it stood for! I understood what it meant from the context, but I didn't have any idea what it stood for. I feel I was dumb. I like it too!
  5. Amatonormativity would be like a branch and the wootaaac people's usage of the word "platonic" would be like one of it's leaves... Is wootaac a real word? I looked it up but Google gave me no result?
  6. That makes sense. I feel the same way too. Having experienced with discrimination myself, it makes me more immune to other types of pressure, and it gives me more control over my own life in a way. If I had something I don't want to buy but everybody else is buying, I can kind of peacefully decide that I'm not going to buy it even if everybody else finds me weird. It's because I've experienced similar stuff already and I don't think I'll be missing on anything because of it particularly.
  7. I feel awkward if someone describes the friendship I have with my close friends platonic because when I picked up the word platonic, which is before I have joined this community, I memorized it with an image of a couple who are lying in a bed naked without having actual sex.... It's extremely awkward to imagine I'm lying with them in a bed naked doing nothing..... People will definitely take our regular but close friendship something sexual if they hear me using the word platonic... And I don't have any attachment to the word in the first place. I just use words like "close friend"....And I don't really talk about the friendship I have with my friends. I'm not really excited about I'm friends with my friends... And I don't feel like giving some special title to that kind of relationship other than close friend. I feel that doing so is like I want to grab some guy, put a tag that says "my boyfriend" on him, and brag that I have something special to everybody else. And I don't really feel the need to show off to everybody else like "I'm this awesome to have this wonderful something called X, and you should probably get one too." I'm even in a doubt about general, close friendship right now. It seems to us that we definitely need close friends or any kind of intimate partners, but lately I'm questioning if I really need one at all. I might prefer having only casual friends so that I can keep my mental personal space larger. Needing close friends might be sometimes like needing someone to prove you're worthy enough to have some [special label here] to other people. I think I understand we sometimes indeed need close friends we can share almost everything, and I feel excited when I feel I found someone who seem to understand me too, (as a side note I'm not really excited about doing stereotypically friends-ish stuff. I do recall I did that kind of things in the past and it feels friends-ish in an authentic way but I don't feel I want to do them again particularly) but using words like platonic regularly might end up promoting that "you should get one too because it's AWESOME!" kind of mindset without any intention to do so.
  8. To me, being confident is having as much control over my own life as I can in current social system: my big choices in life are mostly what I choose deliberately, not what I have to choose as an alternative of some other option I actually wanted to choose but couldn't. So in theory, I can speak of those choices proudly, although in real life it's difficult because there are people who discriminate against certain choices without any reason. This way, it makes sense that people who seem fit in society more tend to seem more confident than those who not. It's the same for thought process. It's not that I confident about my perception of world entirely, I have biases and ignorance, but I'm confident about my system by which I process my thoughts to decrease those. With that system, I feel I can fix my perception for most stuff eventually even if I'm wrong about something. I have two layers of thought process going on when talking to people, which I think is just normal? One is where I try to verbalize my instinct. I try to protect and defense what I think as logically as possible. Instinct is supposed to be emotional but once I verbalize it logically it'll become more convincing to other people and to myself too. The other layer is where I try to suspect everything about my thoughts. This is where I experiment in proving my opinion wrong over and over checking each points that could seem vulnerable. This way I can check and fix my perception without messing up my confidence, I guess. I think in any time, in either of these two layers, I'm confident in a way. And once I settle on some conclusion, I'm more or less confident about it. That conclusion can be really open like "I don't know whether x is good or not", though. It's like "it should be not wrong for me to not know whether x is good or not yet". In other words, I feel I'm keeping myself as less vulnerable as possible to unreasonable ideas people might force me to succumb to with irrational power like shaming. I'm still vulnerable but I feel I'm doing everything I can at this point.
  9. Hmm...Is it possible that I look like an asshole by saying I'm confident? I'm growing kinda unconfident about what "confident" means... Do you guys want to feel confident or are you okay with your current state?
  10. @Ettina I'm sorry about that. Do you get things like "I hope you'll be more confident in the future"? I guess different people use the word like confidence differently so I'm not sure if it's a necessary thing to have in the first place. Some people seem to use it like "looking confident" instead of "feeling confident". In that case I don't need it that much because needing it too much risks other more important stuff like securing my mental personal space. Do you think you need confidence more?
  11. I think I'm confident and satisfied with myself, my situation, what I do and all, but sometimes it offends me to find out what I like/don't like is supposed to be a sign of lacking confidence among other people for irrational reasons like "because it's not natural". For example, if I say I don't like going out, or say I don't like compliments that don't really make sense, some people assume that I lack confidence. Is it just me who experiences this and finds it fricking oppressive? Are you confident? Do people assume you're confident? Do you have a moment when you don't appreciate a certain type of compliment? Is it supposed to be super conceited to even just say I'm confident? Do you have some preferences/habits by which people assume you're insecure? I'm confused....... I'm "sensitive" and it's also something people would take as a sign of being insecure. I care what other people think so I sometimes end up asking why do you say this and that but this is because I'm taking what they say seriously. I usually try to understand it as much as possible instead of just dismissing it while pretending as if I get it naturally. So it's not really relevant to insecurity. I don't even find this "sensitive", to me it's just normal. I might be in a sense trying to stay confident almost unconsciously because I have a lot of factors that put me out of the norm of the society including being an aro/ace. It might be because I think I should be confident myself first to embrace the stuff that's socially discriminated against that's relevant to me, and to embrace similar stuff that's relevant to other people too.
  12. @Zemaddog Oh, thanks for letting me know! I had been away for a while...Are you guys often there?
  13. @Zemaddog, isn't that caused by accidentally hitting the backspace or delete key outside the text field? I had the same problem but I fixed that on the config page of Firefox. https://support.mozilla.org/en-US/questions/924490
  14. Agree. It's not that I have hate towards straight people, but the fact that having a significant other is supposed to be more "default" compared to being single feels weird. Being in a relationship would pose some level of stress and some kind of limitation (it might be harder to go out with your other guy friends casually etc.) to you, which is less likely to happen when you just remain single. When I think about it this way, being aro seems more ....just natural. I don't want to devalue other orientations or make fun of other people's lives or anything, but if there's a default, it should be rather "doing nothing" instead of "doing something (that requires some level of commitment)"...I think most babies are aro... It's not like any orientation is wrong, but it just feels weird to have to explain motives for.... doing nothing when people doing something don't have to. It's like being asked "Why is that you don't spend your money when you don't have to?" I feel that labels are only for finding similar people and start discussion, too.
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