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rabbitastic

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Everything posted by rabbitastic

  1. THIS. After learning that I'm aromantic *and* romance repulsed, I have realized that my standards for what makes a person a friend are much higher than my non-aro friends' standards. They have admitted to stuff such as having work "friends" who they actively avoid outside of work or friends who they do not trust. I can't imagine those sorts of conditions in my friendships at all. My squishes and platonic love seem more intense than non-aros too; every one of my non-aro friends considers me a 'best friend'. That term has no use for me though. Um... I feel a little bitter that I am so dedicated and eager to be intimate while some of them hold me at arm's length to save space for their romantic partner, current or prospective. I never try to force more bonding than they are comfortable with; however lately I've felt like I'm being fed love/compassion scraps by non-aromantics in exchange for my giving as much as possible in these relationships. I feel like I am relegated to a lower tier, or the basement in some cases, in their social network while they remain at the top of mine. It feels unfair and hurtful. I'm kind of hoping to make more aro friends because I never feel like our bonds are 'capped' or limited like my friendships with non-aromantic people.
  2. I've had some gender identity adventures, but right now I'm a cis lady. I sometimes experience body dysphoria. I have PCOS! My medical condition causes my hormones to be different than what is considered "appropriate" for a woman. I have grown more body hair and in more places than a lot of my cis peers. My voice deepened a little, and the weight on my body actually shifted some too. My muscle to fat ratio changed; I usually call it my second puberty πŸ˜… To me, it's not surprising that I have had conversations with trans women where we're able to bond because we've struggled to hide naturally occurring bits of ourselves to blend in with women who are considered more socially acceptable. I am, however, aware that my rejection would not be as severe as a trans woman's if we both forgot to shave for example. :C Hmm... I think that's part of why I don't refer to my dysphoria as gender dysphoria although it is linked to my gender. The origins of the term 'gender dysphoria' also make it feel like the wrong term for me.
  3. FUNNY STORY: I am most definitely asexual, hahaha. The quarantine has given me a lot of time for introspection and retrospection.
  4. I have some ace allorom pals who are sex-repulsed while I am an allosexual aro romance-repulsed person. When we deal with folks who are both alloromantic AND allosexual, we often interact and feel things are going well! My chums and I have bonded over a turning point we almost always reach with double allos. They withdraw, becoming less kind overall, or they completely avoid us for not offering sex or romance when they need or want both. I guess it's a form of rejection...? :C We understand we all need different things in relationships but the sting of this very specific sort of rejection is still very real. People who aren't somewhere on this spectrum aren't kind to us for speaking up about it.
  5. During the pandemic I have been able to take more time to talk to others who fit within the aspec category and read more in-depth discussions and writings from other folks with different perspectives. I am working to learn as much as possible, to be more compassionate as I expect that of others. I am by no stretch of the imagination perfect or all-knowing; I am sincerely sorry for making so many assumptions and dismissing your pain. I am working to avoid this is the future. My lack of understanding then [or at any point in time including the present!!] does not invalidate the experiences of others. I am truly sorry for saying otherwise. My apology is a broad one directed at everyone I have hurt with my unkind words including you. I appreciate your incredible patience and that you responded to my callous post at all. You are right that it not my place to tell anyone how to describe themselves at any point especially not ace people of any kind. Thank you for pointing this out to me. It was in poor taste to for me to say that these spectrums are useless because they hadn't been useful for me personally. I'm an autistic person and haven't found success using the phrase 'autism spectrum' in my own life; however I would never try, have never tried, to take those words away from other autistic people. It was a major oversight on my part to attempt to do that in this situation 😧 To add my 2 cents to The Actual Conversation: I feel that the a-spectrum/aspec should include identities related to gender for sure. My gender ID and sexual orientation fluctuate in a way that seems random. For a while when I described my gender as neutral... that didn't really seem to go over well with my local LGBT+ community or in trans specific spaces though I described myself as trans. After some negative experiences, I didn't try to reach out again. I imagine things would have gone more smoothly with agender folks or other people in the apsec community near me and on the web based on what I'm reading and hearing now. I have always had productive, reassuring conversations with ace alloromantic people without understanding the link; I have some grasp of that history now. As an allosexual aromantic person, I am absolutely comfortable sharing space with ace people, aplatonic people and agender people.... Annnd all of the differently named but connected identities too. And yet :T I do see why some people wouldn't be as comfy with the idea. . Going forward, I might use aspec when referring to myself when I'm looking for a specific kind of understanding that I have only found there. I don't think it's possible to make an exhaustive list of who fits. Maybe it is ??? I'm certainly not equipped to do it. Is it strange to think more similar groups of people will be drawn to us and magically gravitate to our figurative/literal space(s)? I imagine everyone will just know it works and then it will πŸ˜…
  6. I agree that what is romantic varies from person to person. I'm in the US~ I have also noticed that certain behaviors that are often considered romantic in the USA are not viewed the same way in other cultures. I have been greeted with kisses from Latin American friends which is not unusual. Other women who considered me a close friend would sometimes hold my hand as we were walking. It was clear these actions were not romantic in nature to them either regardless of orientation. I enjoy holding hands and kissing my friends' cheeks or foreheads if they are okay with this sort of contact. I have been told by some American alloromantics that these things are 100% romantic. Full stop. This is not the case! My friends know I am not attempting to court them or start a romantic relationship when I do these actions or others that are often associated with romance such as one-on-one meals, pet names, tons of cheesy but sincere compliments, gifts just because etc. A great deal of the affection in all of my friendships is or could be considered [??] romantic-coded and yet everyone around me has understood my actions were not romantic...even before the word 'aromantic' came into our lives. My personal definition of romance is hard to put into words. A piece of it involves a higher level of exclusivity within one's social network...? Um there seems to be a structured multi-step hierarchy of sorts more often than not in alloromantic people's lives. All of my relationships outside of my family are friendships. Other people to me are usually referred to as acquaintances/strangers. My allorom buds do notice that my actions look like ones they do in romantic relationships; however because I perform them for all of my friends, they do not question my lack of romantic intent. This is part of why they understand me anyway. My definition is a work in progress, haha. Ultimately it appears to come down to personal intent and communication between all parties involved. I also realized while reading this thread that I tend to think of my actions in terms of romantic or not-romantic rather than platonic. I have had a tough time using the word platonic like in this example here!
  7. 42% aro-ace 33% demiromantic 17% not-aro 8% demisexual 0% romantic ace Some of those answer choices didn't fit me, really. It was an interesting quiz to take and my first result makes some sense to me. Interesting stuff.
  8. I have thought about this! I have run into other people who have experienced what you have. Some people have described it to me as knowing they feel the same about everyone but not in what way exactly. I have in the last year or so thought to myself 'Am I asexual?' As of late, I am leaning more towards demi-grey-something? Hahaha. I'll figure it out eventually! No worries. Thank you for wishing me luck on my journey πŸ˜„
  9. I have only skimmed the posts here so forgive me if I missed something important here. I was talking about this with my demisexual roommate literally last night. We actually agreed about the use of ace spectrum and aro spectrum as catch-all terms. She is demisexual and does not feel at all connected to asexuality; she doesn't understand how she could. I also do not understand how demiromantic people ,for example, would feel connected to me as an aromantic person. We only feel connected by our queerness; it's not a stronger bond than we feel with other folks under the umbrella. I feel that use of the a- prefix which means NO doesn't leave space for "maybe", "under certain conditions", "only on occasion" and the like as they are not considered different flavors of NO in any other context to the best of my knowledge. I obviously claim other non-alloromantic people, but we're varied. This concept makes me think of the Kinsey scale which is/was a sexuality scale that excluded a lot of people and placed people on a spectrum with people who were very dissimilar. I haven't seen a bisexual spectrum being used everywhere like the a-spectrums even though bisexuality could more easily be placed on a sliding scale with a 2 on one side and an infinity symbol on the opposite end. :T All of that to say I feel the aspec, ace and aro spectrums are unnecessary.
  10. Very recently I was told that I didn't seem aromantic because I cared about and loved my friends a great deal. Another person said aromanticism is about NOT wanting to connect emotionally with anyone. I'm certain this in this thread a lot but it bears repeating. We are not capable of any sort of love or deep emotional connection because we don't feel romantic love. I am quite tired of hearing this. I certainly don't try to befriend people who think so poorly of me and the love I have to offer though they ASK. Ew. πŸ™„
  11. I have noticed romantic love is, by larger society, considered more powerful and important than other types. For most of my life, I thought I needed that love to be happy so I can relate to how you feel. My friends/chosen family and I are very close and as cheesy as it sounds, I feel deeply bonded to them all and transformed by their great platonic love. I had been lead to believe that was not possible. I think the closeness alloroms crave in the form of romantic relationships is something I personally am able to get through my friendships. We're simply different. At least that's how I think of it now.
  12. It really is one of the best feelings ever to finally be able to accurately describe yourself. And it's also a relief to make sense of past experiences. I'm very happy for you. πŸ’šπŸ’š
  13. My name is Amber; I'm 29 and my 30th birthday is fast approaching! I'm a pansexual aromantic cis woman. To be honest, I am pretty iffy about the pansexual part. It appears I'm in a time of flux which I have accepted as a part of my queer experience. πŸ’š However, my romantic orientation has been aro for nearly as long as I can remember. I used to seek a romantic relationship because I had been led to believe that I NEEDED one and I was not feeling at all fulfilled by my friendships. I also enjoyed, and still enjoy though to a lesser extent, the grandiose idealized depictions of romance in fiction. After finding excellent buds, my desire for a romantic relationship disappeared as it was something I never really wanted in the first place. What an amazing realization! I simply wanted to be loved, to love and to be understood. I am interested in community-based intimacy, not partner-based intimacy. I seriously tried dating on three occasions! I was so unhappy every single time even though I loved those folks. I love[d] them a great deal but I was never "in love" with them. I didn't understand why it saddened me so much or what was 'wrong' with me. It never felt right. I was so relieved when the term aromantic was introduced to me. It's good to see I'm not alone and to be able to explain that I'm not broken for loving differently. I am so glad this forum exists!!! I love cooking, baking, doodling and writing sometimes, anything *cute*, fashion as self-expression, gender nonconformity, makeup, detailed chats about LGBTQPIA+ stuff and lots of other things too of course.
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