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ScarfOfSexualPreference

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Personal Information

  • Name
    Rj
  • Orientation
    gray sexual, aromantic
  • Gender
    gender non-conforming
  • Pronouns
    she/he/they/it

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Frog

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  1. I think just the word ‘friend’ without any specification definitely doesn’t have that same societal weight as boyfriend or fiancé, but I think ‘best friend’ does. I’m only a senior in high school right now, but having a BEST FRIEND seems like it’s more of a long-term relationship than a friendly acquaintance. While ‘really good friend’ doesn’t have the same effect, that specification from the broad umbrella term to a relationship title is an interesting distinction.
  2. Okay what I’ve always gone with is just “queer.” If someone I don’t know that we’ll asks me, I just say queer, and basically that eliminates the straight part. If they ask to elaborate, pull out those labels you feel comfortable with and feel ready to explain them, because I myself am unfamiliar with most of them. It’ll get the point across to people who just want to know if you’re straight or not.
  3. Woah you sounds like you’ve got it all planned out! I’ve always prepared myself for the “what’s that?” And cynical looks when I mention my orientation. So I guess you might just need to be prepared for the difference between coming out as gay and coming out as aro. If I told people I was a lesbian, they’d probably just be like “yeah duh i know” but when I say aro, and the little red dotted lines pop up underneath the word as I’m typing in, the little worm of invalidation gets in. So don’t lose your courage based on what they say, it seems like you have a lot of it! Remember that we’re all here for you and sounds like your brother is too. Good luck!
  4. Some people get married for tax or religious reasons, but I feel like marriage is this thing that’s just deeply ingrained in society. Like that’s the thing that everyone says when they talk about their futures: get a job, buy a house, get married, start a family. It’s just always there. So I have always felt that obligation, like there’s someone you HAVE to like, people ask you what you want your wedding to look like, etc. It’s always been awkward for me to answer those question so I just dodge them with things like “Oooh I love the fall, what about you though?”
  5. I know you can’t define attraction, but I wish we could. I’m still shaky in my identity as soon as I think someone’s clothes are cool. I wish there was a dictionary definition, but life is messy.
  6. This will be a bit of an emotion dump, so prepare yourself I guess: I definitely am a people pleaser, so almost always I’ll go along with things that I’m not entirely comfortable with just because it will make someone else happy. I dated a guy for a year because I thought I was in love with him. But really I just liked to see him happy, and the thought of turning him down or breaking up with him was awful. So for a year I lied to him and told him I love you and tried to give him advice and help him through his struggles. I ditched all of my friends for his and tried to get along with them even though they annoyed me so much. I would hold his hand in public and cuddle with him on the couch even though that kind of touch just felt so uncomfortable and tense. I’d get stomachaches that I thought were butterflies before we went on a date. After a year, I finally broke up with him over phone and the only emotion I felt was relief. That I was finally free. But because I’d made my life his, suddenly I didn’t have one. It was a long journey building up that life, mending broken friendships, learning to care for myself, finding aromanticism. And I’m SO much happier for it. But I’m still trying to get away from that toxic mindset. There’s one friend that had just gone through a tough breakup with her boyfriend of three years that I started to hang out with more often. She is in constant need of attention, and has a very insistent personality. She recently came out as bisexual, and I’m proud of her for it! But she does this thing where she asks for cuddles or kisses (on the lips) from her female friends. Which would be me. And I’ve kind of set a precedent for doing what she wants, so I’ll do those things. I once tried to play it off and say that I’m taken (jokingly) or that her lips were chapped, but she’ll pout and make me feel guilty like I just ruined her day or made her feel bad. And there’s literally nothing that makes me feel worse than hurting someone’s feelings. So I just kind of… do those things. There are a couple of these people that are just not healthy for me, and I KNOW IT. I just can’t bring myself to make someone else hurt in any way. I don’t want to decline their offers to hang or cut them off or tell them how I feel, because what if they think I’m mean, or feel sad, or want to hurt themselves, or spread rumors about me in retaliation?? What if I make them feel unworthy of friendship? I’m still learning how to advocate for myself and say no, and to remind myself that it’s not my job to make people happy. It’s a nice bonus that I still enjoy, but that’s not the reason I’m a human: I am allowed to live for myself. And I know all this. I know that it’s not my job to fix people or be kind to people who are unkind to me. But when I’m in those situations I can’t deal with the real-life repercussions. It feels selfish to put myself before others. And what if I lose all my friends again or it’s awkward at school or my other friends don’t support me? I suppose I’m not looking for any particular advice because I know what I should do. I just can’t bring myself to do it. So maybe just some words of encouragement, I guess. Sorry for the info dump, but this seems the safest place to put it.
  7. What I’d say is to give it time! It feels confusing and strange now, but you’ve now got so much more to explore!! Keep in touch with your feelings: journal, talk to a trusted friend, post here! Just keep asking yourself questions and give yourself time to ponder the answers. People here are so incredibly kind and helpful, and I hope you find some more understanding in your identity!
  8. Exactly what Autumn said!! Labels help me describe what I feel to other people, but I try not to act in ways to fit the confines of that label. Do what makes you happy, and just try to notice different feelings and emotions you have. I’m only in 12th grade myself, but I’ve found that using the label helps others understand where I’m at!
  9. One thing that really helped my was looking at the You Might Be Aro If (YMBAI) section here or the same section for asexuality on AVEN!
  10. I’m almost never comfortable with PC/PC relationships (that I’m involved in), but I DM sometimes in my DND group, so I often play NPCs that are romantically attracted to PCs (or vice versa). I’m really bad at it, but I’m more comfortable with it since it’s so removed from me.
  11. I think that’s perfect, its better to let them know up front, too!
  12. I remember some of my friends talking about what they wanted to look like and what time of the year, but I never played house as a kid.
  13. I got Bellusromantic, and I think it fits quite well :D
  14. A lot of my friends like to hold my hand and we sleep in the same bed and stuff, but I often find myself really tensed up in those kind of situations. I’m also not a huge fan of PDA, and find myself more uncomfortable when others give hugs or use each other as a pillow in public.
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