Atlamillia Pixie

No I don't wish I was alloromantic. I like being aro and I am proud of my identity.

Being allo seems like a pain in the ass and leads to a lot of heart ache. To be fair, there are instances where romantic love works out, but even that seems like a lot of work and a hassle. I felt so much better knowing that I did not need to deal with any of that once I figured out that I was aro and realized that it wasn't in the cards for me. 

I agree, marriage only if it makes sense for legal/financial reasons and even then I'm totally sold on the idea. A wedding sounds like a pain in ass that is steeped in archaic and stupid traditions. Eloping might be doable but I can guarantee I would get backlash for doing it from certain family members and doesn't seem worth the hassle. 

Kids on the other hand are a hard pass. Too much work, too much money, too much sanity lost. Pregnancy sounds like a bloody nightmare. Even the best parents can have terrible children and I can guarantee I would not make a good mother as I have no patience for children for long periods at a time and I am too much of a good person to do that to anyone, my biological child or adopted. I'll stick to cats thank you very much.

Hiya and Welcome!

To be aromantic does not equal being asexual and to be asexual does not equal being aromantic, although one can be both. In my case, I am aromantic and heterosexual. It is possible that you can be aromantic and allosexual (allo meaning you feel that type of attraction, in this case feeling sexual attraction), but this is something that you have to decide for yourself.

Similarly, each person experiences aromanticism differently and only you can decide if you are aromantic or not. Maybe have a look at the FAQ pages if you have not already. https://www.aromanticism.org/en/faq While not everyone subscribes to/ uses a label, they can be helpful when you are trying to figure yourself out. I know it was helpful for me when I was trying to figure myself out.

As far as coming out goes, do what you feel is comfortable. You do not have to come out if you don't want to or if you feel it would not be well received or if it might be unsafe to do so. You do what is right for you.

I wish you the best of luck finding yourself and hope you find happiness in what ever you do. ?

The two or three people who have shown interest in me I ended up ghosting. Only one of those was on purpose, due to other reasons that did not include asking me out but caused me to not want to be his friend anymore. The other two ended up being ghosted by shifting friends groups at college. None of these had awkward consequences cus people graduated or we stoped running in the same social circles. These were before I figured out I was aro.

Opportunities 

Director of a Forensic DNA Laboratory

42% Aro, 25% demisexaul, 17% not aromantic?, 17% aroace, 0% alloace... yeah this quiz not designed well.

I'm not an expert or anything, but what you described, @panda27 , is similar to what I went through. For the longest time I thought it was commitment issues. Turns out, I'm lithromantic.

I was in a relationship for over a year with a guy who on paper was practically perfect and is everything a parent would look for in their child's significant other. But newsflash, being in a relationship when you're lithromantic sucks and is not advisable. I felt trapped, I dreaded getting texts from him because I knew I had to answer with something, I felt guilty because I wasn't being a "good girlfriend", and I was not emotionally available like he was. When we broke up, I felt so free and I was truly happy for the first time in months. I am learning to be friends with him again, and in all honesty, I am way more supportive as an ex than as his girlfriend. A little more than two weeks after we broke up, I figured out I was aromantic, more specifically lithromantic. The flirting stages when you are getting to know someone are fun and feel nice. Actually knowing the person and trying to be more than friends/ romantic with them brings feelings of dread and anxiety. 

I am not you. My experiences do not speak on the behave of others. If anything, I hope that my this makes you feel less alone and more at peace. Only you can decide what is best for you. If you think it is commitment issues, I wish you good luck in dealing with them and I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. If you think you're aromantic, welcome to the community and know that you are not alone. In either case, take your time and figure stuff out.

Always a fun topic... kids. Yeah I never have, currently do not, and will never want to have kids/ be a parent. I do not have the patience for other adults let alone children, which is kinda a prerequisite for wanting to have kids. Don't get me wrong, kids can be sweet and interesting when I have to be around them for short periods of time, but I want no part of children nor raising them. 

The common theme in the this thread of "I will be the last of my family line", yeah I got some of that too. I have told to my parents that I do not want kids, and they are okay with it. I'm pretty sure my brother will never have kids either and my parents are okay with that too. My parents are okay with never getting grandchildren. Both sides of my family have other members in my generation that have already had kids or may have them in the future, so genes in some fashion will be passed down. So in conclusion, my parents have fully accepted and are okay with only getting "grand-kittens" from me because hi, crazy cat lady-in-training here.

Its kinda a mixed bag.

Hold hands is something I have never like and still don't. I do necessarily code it as romantic but I am more adverse to it when there are romantic intentions behind it. But not everyone shares my view on hand holding. That's just a me thing I think.

I love hugging people. I like to initiate the hug and make sure I have permission before I hug people. I have been told I am a good hugger and I see it as a way to make people feel better or comfort them. Hugging, from me at least, is platonic and I receive it as such unless given evidence to the contrary. Hugs for everyone for who wants them! Yay!

Kissing is more complicated and it depends on where the kiss is placed. I see kisses placed on the foreheads, cheeks, and hands can go either way as signs of greeting, platonic affection, familial affection or as romantic affection, or coded as sexual/ sensual. It depends on context really. From family member to family member, friend to friend, or acquaintance to acquaintance in some cultures are not romantic. Kissing on the lips, neck, other intimate places, etc. those can be coded as romantic or sensual/sexual. Could be one, the other, or both. Again, it depends on context. Sometimes is a cultural thing, but from my experience it is usually coded as romantic, sensual/ sexual, or both.

For the most part it is heavily dependent on context and intentions. The line is different for everyone and its kinda blurry until its crossed.

@Jot-Aro Kujo Thanks for the advise, I'll keep it mind for the future.

1 hour ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I don't think your content was offensive- But I do think it would be important for you to learn about religions other than white conservative Christianity. You seem to be equating "religion" with white conservative Christianity, and while I do agree that that particular type of religion has done a lot of harm, it is by far not the only type of religion out there. To use "religion" as a synonym for white conservative Christianity is another form of glorifying white conservative Christianity, as it implies that other religions are not real religions or simply do not exist, and white conservative Christianity is the only "true" religion. Many of the things you described do not exist in other religions, or at least not in the same form.

For example, did you know abortion is allowed within Judaism- And, in fact, to criminalize abortion would be to deny Jewish women their religious freedom? Did you know that I, someone who is very religious, grew up being told I'm going to hell for being a devil worshipper? Did you know that many pagan traditions do contain stories of homosexuality and unusual gender concepts? Did you know that in medieval times, there were many Islamic scientists and mathematicians who were incredibly ahead of their time and made many contributions to science? Did you know that just a few days ago was Holocaust Remembrance Day, a day in which we honor the millions of people who were killed for their religion during the Holocaust?

By all means, be angry about the things white conservative Christianity has done. But do not call the rest of us the same as them.

You are right about me equating "religion" with conservative christianity and I am wrong to do so, however where I am from it is the most popular form of religion and it is hard to separate the two sometimes. I know that other religions are a lot more peaceful a relaxed about stuff. Those religions I have no beef with and I should change what language I use to reflect as such. I am learning to let go of my angry towards conservative christianity (because it's not healthy in the long run) and trying to be more productive. It's slow process, but I'm getting there. 

Welp, I'm an atheist in the middle of her angry phase... hopefully I'll move on to my humanist phase after college so I can help people.

And let's be clear, I'm not in my angry phase because I left religion and am pissed about being lied to or controlled.

I'm in my angry phase because when I hit was about high school age, my eyes were opened to the atrocities religion was responsible for. War propaganda and fear mongering, controlling the  less educated and how they think, the abuse of children by the Catholic Church, LGBTQA+  youth being thrown out of their homes by their parents because they chose religion over their children, the misogyny, the xenophobia, denying access to abortion and reproductive services, denying LGTBQA+ from adopting children, the double standard that they think a fetus has more rights than the mother and yet do not give a damn about the mother nor the child once the child is born, the double standards in the "morality" they uphold and the actions they commit that are a direct contradiction of that "morality", inability to accept reality, reason, and science. I'm angry because I have compassion for other people and do not want to see anyone suffer needlessly because who they are does not align with some antiquated, out-dated way of explaining the universe. 

Sorry angry rant over.

Apologizes if some of the content was offensive to anyone.

My being an atheist and being aro are not connected as far as I am concern. My lack of romantic attraction to people does not affect my disbelief in a deity nor my compassion and caring about other people.

Menagerie, Standoffish, Aliquot 

I would be glad to share some of my experiences about being lithromanitc. It sucks sometimes. I've lost friends because of it but to the fact that most of these friendships were made in college and i figured out who my central group of friends are and the fact some of them graduated so I never have to see them again helps. I figured out the aro/lithro thing about a month or so ago. It's good to know that I can put a name to it and that I am not alone nor broken. I am who I am and everyone else can shove it. Dating and romance are not for me. I love my family and my friends. But I will not love anyone romantically and that't fine by me. 

Ooooh, yeah in retrospec I can see some signs that I was aro. 

In general, anytime a boy told me they liked me, showed interest in me, or straight up asked me out I would feel VERY uncomfortable, nervous, and awkward to the point where I did not want to be around them anymore. This has been happening since  the fifth grade when my friend told be he had a crush on me. Like instant "hey we're friends" to "oh I do not want associate with you anymore". 

Also, my ideal "romantic relationship" has always been something like a QPR and not an actual romantic relationship like allos mean... so yeah... that was an eye opener and a moment of clarity to say the least. Like "oooooh, now that makes sense and I'm not weird... cool".

Even looking back on a work of fiction/story I have been working on since freshman year of high school I realize that I wrote the main character to be aro and the relationship they have with the other main character is a QPR... I only realized this after I figured out I was aro and now I'm going "welp, I guess I wrote what I knew".

I have been in one relationship. This relationship ended almost two months ago at this point. Unfortunately for my ex I got over it quickly and he did not. It's been over a month and a half and he is still healing. He was the the first person I came out to (I don't count my two best friends who questioned my sexuality after my relationship ended which got me to re-question if I was aro) to help with the healing process and so he wasn't blind sided when I came out to the rest of our friends. Which when I did come out to our friends apparently I was insensitive to him or whatever (Allos are a lot more sensitive apparently when it comes to break ups or whatever, I don't get it. I'm still a little pissed at him for that. Like screw you dude, don't make me feel bad that I am out and proud with our friends, I felt bad enough when we were dating and I say "I love you" back and when I could not figure out a way to be open with you like you wanted,  you are done making me feel bad about how I am). (And I yeah I'm letting go of the anger cus it ain't worth it or healthy.)

The relationship was not great in retrospec. It was an allo trying to date an aro and we were never on the same wavelength about how the relationship should work. It was the relationship was probably needed to confirm I am aro, but it probably should not have lasted as long as it did. Now that I think back on it, when we had the "do we want to be in a relationship" talk, I remember saying that I was not comfortable with the feelings part of a relationship and I would probably be more comfortable with the physical side (which in retrospec was a large bloody sign that I'm aro) and the relationship did not improve from there. When I figured out that I was aro, it helped me start to let go of my anger at my ex cus I was pissed that I wasted a year and a month of my life being in a relationship I was not happy with. In any case, we are trying to be friends again. It's awkward but its getting better, and this bloody pandemic is kinda helping cus we don't have to be alone together for a while. 

Moral of the story, dating allos is messy af and be prepared for the fall out when shit hits the fan.

For me I think I'm somewhere between romance-indifferent and romance-adverse. I was uncomfortable when my ex tried to do something that was coded romantic (handhold was one of the biggest and most common thing I had an issue with) and in theory I am very off-put by larger romantic gestures. But like, not make my skin crawl uncomfortable, just "hmm I don't like this, can we not" uncomfortable. Yet when it comes to fiction (books, movies, tv, anime, games, etc.) I have no problem with romantic crap. I'm fine with romance as long as it does not involve me. Romance for others with others is fine and I support it. Its just not for me. 

Hugs are good as long as I'm the one who initiates them. If I don't know people well, I ask if they want a hug first. Regardless, I am in charge of the hug. I'm told I give the best hugs. 

As far as kissing goes, idk. My ex and I were each other's first relationship and idk if we just sucked at it or I just don't like it. Chaste kisses are nice. Making out has not been great and I avoided it when I could.

Cuddles are meh. I would rather not, but I don't hate it. Need the option to escape though. 

Fair enough. 

Kinda. I my sense of style is very goth-ish (black lace up boots, black chocker necklace, black lace, dark purple lip stick, dark eyeliner, etc.) but I also love color and am WAY to cheerful and not nihilistic enough to be full goth. Goth-Lite (like light beers, Coors-lite, bud-lite, etc.) is a term my dad came up with when I was in high school to describe me and I still use that term today. 

Hiya everyone,

New to the community and happy to have found it. I would describe myself as Aro/Lithro? Definitely Aro, but not sure where exactly I fall on the spectrum yet Lithro sounds kinda right. Figured out I'm aro 3 weeks ago. My two best friends questioned my sexuality after they talked to my ex-boyfriend cus I was more open with them than him and would hang out with them over him given the opportunity. They asked me two questions, the same to questions that my one best friend asked the other to figure out she was gay. 

Them: "Would you sleep with a dude?"

Me: Yes

Them: "Would you sleep with a chick?"

Me: No, probably not.

But that make me ask myself a question I had asked myself about a year and a half earlier. "Am I aromantic?" A year and a half ago my answer was "I don't know". My answer now, "YUP!"

It took a year and month relationship that made me uncomfortable most of the time because romance is a thing I literally do not understand, but I figured out a part of who I was. Now the only bad thing is my ex was and might still be in love with me... which makes things awkward when we are a part of the same tight knit group of friends... yeah. Gonna have to figure out a time to tell him and soon so he can get some closure, heal, and move on. It's funny, I care about him more now that he is an ex and (trying) to be his friend then when he was my boyfriend. So, yeah, I screwed that whole thing up and I'm gonna fix it. I also need to tell him so I can tell the rest of that friend group because I have news and I want to share and I know they will be supportive and loving. In any case, my core friend group now includes a gay bear, a twink, a lesbian disaster, the self-proclaimed asexual goblin,  an aro goth-lite (me), and some straights. So, we got representation pretty well handled. My two best friends who know I'm aro are very loving and supportive, but I joined this so I could get some perspective and advise from people more like me.

All in all, happy to be here. 

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