Atlamillia Pixie

The thing that made me question whether or not I was aromantic was trying to dating. Amatonormativity told me I should date, so tried dating in college. But trying to date  with A.) my aversion/ repulsion of being the center of romantic attention, B.) not understanding why I was expected to participate in social dating norms (e.g. holding hands, cuddling, etc.) and begrudging participating in them to make my partner happy, and C.) an inability to understand that a romantic relationship was not in fact a platonic friendship with sex was not a recipe for success nor happiness.  I am so, so much happier now.

If I could get a hysterectomy tomorrow, I would. I'm more scared of becoming a parent than dying. Screw that noise. 

Being alone with my now ex romantic partner. I was fine being in a couple in public or with friends, but when we were alone it was just so bloody awkward and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. You'd think I would have realized I was aromantic and romance repulsed/ adverse fairly early into the relationship, but no. I dated him for 13 months thinking it would magically click on day and not be weird... #%^$ me, was I wrong on that front. 20/21 year old me was stupid and naive. 

As far as roleplaying goes, my characters have not had the opportunity to explore romance in any campaigns I have played so far, nor were they written to be explicitly alloromantic or aromantic. If the DM had an NPC or another player has a PC that was interested in my character, I would like to see how that would play out for the character, but it's not something I'm actively looking for as a player. I play dnd for adventure and the opportunity to do ingenious yet wildly dangerous and crazy plans/ ideas.

As far as my own writing projects go, the main character of one story is explicitly aromantic allosexual and while the story is not focused around this character being aro, it does include and explore this character in a QPR. In another story the main character is alloromantic allosexual and while the story does not focus on romance, it is an element in the story, because otherwise I would not be able to stand my own writing if it was all about romance. 

Thank you so much @Jedi. You are a life saver. It definitely keeps things calmer, less accusatory, and less tone deaf. Hopefully, dnd won't be awkward on Thursday. Thanks again!

A guy in my online dnd group asked me out... at least I'm pretty sure.

He asked if I liked roller coasters, if I was free on Saturday, and if I would like to go to an amusement park with him. Which to me sounds like he asking me out, but I'm not 100% certain. I've been asked out two or three times in my life, so I do not have a lot of experience with that.

So far my answers are: Yes I like roller coasters, No I am not free on Saturday, and always down to go to amusement parks (schedule permitting).

However, whether or not he intended to ask me out, I am going to ask him what his intention was with his message because I'm having aro panic right now and I need to know, social awkwardness and anxiety be damned.

Also, I want to disclose that I'm aro. While I'm not telling my family anytime soon, I don't give a damn who else knows. I know that I don't have to disclose that I'm aro to anyone when rejecting people and I don't owe anyone an explanation as to why they are being rejected. However, I feel that being direct and open about this will make it less awkward moving forward. It's kinda like informing him that if he is interested in dating me, then I'm nipping that in the bud real quick before he gets any real hopes up. If I leave it at the three statements above, that leaves it open for him to try again and I am not having any of that.

So my plan is to say something along the lines of "I will be blunt. I am aromanitc. I don't experience romantic attraction. I am averse to romance. I'm not interested in dating. Does this information change anything on your end?" Is this direct and to the point, or does it come off as bitchy and dismissive? Is it too intense? I am including too much information and over explaining? Help.

Any thoughts or opinions on the situation are most welcomed. I don't know any aro people offline and I could really use some advice. 

TL;DR I need help being direct with a guy who asked me out that I'm aro and I'm not interested in dating.

I fully forgot that people in long distance romantic relationships want to see each other in person every once in awhile despite how expensive and inconvenient can be.

"Why is it expected that my brother will go see his long distance gf?... Oh right that's a thing people do when they are dating... damnit that means I have to drop him off at the airport."

Valentine's Day was invented to get people to spend money and stimulate the economy after holiday season spending dies down in early January (at least in western cultures, I'm not super sure that's a universal thing).

I'm good with romance in real life, for my friends and family. While I personally don't get what all the fuss and drama is about, I'm happy they are happy. But I'm also the first person to recommend that people break up if they are having problems. Don't stay together if your miserable, just get out and be done with it. 

I'm okay with romance in fiction (especially if is well written and the sexual tension is delicious) but adding romance for unnecessary conflict or having it coming out of nowhere for the sake of having a romantic subplot/ romantic partner for the protagonist is *sigh* dumb, makes me sad, and gives me a headache. 

Any and all romance directed at me specifically makes me uncomfortable. I have never been more uneasy and on edge than I did when I was with my ex. I'm never doing that again... ?

Similar to what others have said, finding out I was aromantic lifted so much dread and pressure off my shoulders and I was happy. I was happy after breaking up with my ex and being friends again, but knowing why the relationship didn't work made it so much better, so freeing. 

No more worrying about how get into a relationship, how to act to once I when in a relationship, and no existential dread for the future about how to be someone who isn't me 24/7 (I am romance adverse when it comes to romance directed at me, in case it wasn't obvious). Amatonormativity was a bitch and I'm glad to be done with it. Ah, the euphoria from that thought alone.

Oh, and the figuring out that I am aromantic really helped with gaining some self confidence and having more sex positive attitude for myself. I was already was sex positive for humanity in general, but it gave me the swift kick in ass to finally be comfortable with myself being a sexual being. So, yeah, being aromantic is amazing, at least for me.

I would tell a younger me that she is Aromantic, she is not broken or too young to understand. It's simply not in the cards for her and that's okay. Friends, family, and pets have all of the love she will need. She is built different and society needs to catch up. Oh, and wanting sex/ being allosexual while being Aromantic doesn't make her a terrible person or is "lesser/worse" than wanting sex in a romantic context. All she had to do is communicate clearly about what she wants and embrace her most authentic self. ?

I got to agree with @nonmerci that trying to explain aromantism is difficult to say the least, it's part of the reason I'm not out to my family. Getting the dismissive "oh, you just haven't met the right person yet" or "oh you grow out if it eventually" kinda sucks. I know they mean well and that they want me to be happy, but they don't realize that  not everyone wants/ needs the same things to be happy. I don't want nor need romance/ romantic attraction/ a romantic partner in my life to be happy and that's valid af.

I have not run into the "wanting sex without romance" problem yet due to the pandemic, but it seems inevitable... unfortunately. 

My favs are probably "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney,  pretty much any version of "Carol of the Bells", and "Christmas Can-Can" & "Nutcracker" by the Straight No Chasers.

Zone

I figured out the whole aromantic thing a few months before my 22nd birthday earlier this year.

When I was in my "Say Yes To The Dress" phase in middle school I would image my dress, the cake, the decorations, the venue... never the spouse to be, he was always missing ... really should have been a sign of being aromantic in hindsight, but oh well.  

Marshmallows 

Personality wise: witty, intelligent, jackass with a heart of gold.

Aesthetically/sexually wise: longer dark hair, clean shave, toned arms/chest/back. Tattoos would be a plus, not gonna lie.

True!

TPBM likes murder mystery novels

I am the youngest of 2 with an approx. 3 year age gap.

The only other family member I know is GSRM/ LGTBQPIA+ is my dad's one cousin and I have only see him at big family gatherings for wedding and funerals and such and I don't really know him that well at all other than the fact he is a drama teacher.

The only time aromantism comes up outside Arocalypse is when my other GSRM/ LGTBQIA+ friends and we start talking about our experiences or sometimes my straight friends will ask a question about it, but that's not often and they are respectful about it so I don't mind answering. Since I'm only out to about 7/8 people, all of which are my friends, it does not come up often. 

Hiya!

Let me start off with "been there, done that, have the t-shirt" with the dating a friend thing only to realize later I'm aro. That's 13 months of my life I'm never getting back, and to be honest we should have broke it off 2 months in, but amatonormativity is a bitch and we both suffered for it. Haha, I can only hope your ex took it better than mine. My ex and I are finally learning to be friends again 6-7 months after the break up. 

Similar to you when I was looking for info, I found the term lithromantic and it fit at the time. However, I am now wondering if I am lithromantic or if I was just suffering from amatonormativity. Idk if its due to the lack of in person socialization due to the pandemic or if it is due to the fact that I am aware that I am aro, but I am not wanting a romantic relationship like I was a year and a half ago. So, yeah, idk. All I know is that I'm aro and I'm happy. 

I wish you the best of luck in discovering more about yourself and finding happiness!

I can't remember when I heard first heard the term aromantic (probably in high school or college, idk), but I remember first questioning my romantic orientation back in September 2018 and I have been identifying as aromantic since March 2020. So this has been a process that happened in my early 20s/ college years. Definitely too young to relate to the 30 somethings and older who are functional adults and a little too old to relate to the high schoolers.

Just because someone is LBGTQA+ does not mean they are understanding/ respectful of all identities and orientations.

Now with your friend specifically; I agree with @Autumn that you friend is ignorant/self-centered at best and purposely hurtful/manipulative at worst. Your identity matters and so does your boundaries. You set the boundaries you are comfortable with and have certain expectation on what you need from them as your friend. If your friend is not respecting that, then you two need to have a serious talk if you want to remain friends. If your friend can't understand why you are upset or uncomfortable, then you may need to evaluate having a relationship with them at all.

I can't guarantee that everything will work out for you and your friend, but you have to do what is best and healthy for you above all else. I wish you the best of luck in how it works out.

I've been an ISTP since I first took the test in high school and still am since the last time I took the test for college psych last spring.