Hi! I’m digging the anonymous thing so I’m not going to post my name. I’m here because I’m very confused. I think I’m Aro/Demisexual. I feel like that’s a bit of a contradiction tho because I lack the drive to form those emotional bonds I require for sexual attraction. Idk.
I had a fucked up childhood that left me looking for love and acceptance. I have been in abusive relationships all my life. I’ve been hyper sexual when not in a relationship. When my almost 10 year marriage ended a few years ago I went pretty crazy. I thought, or told myself, that I was having fun and hooking up because I was a highly sexual person with needs. When the shine of being “free” wore off, I felt empty and started really considering my relationships and behaviors. It’s been a bit over a year since I’ve had sex. I don’t miss it. I masturbate and often fantasize about the best sex I ever had a couple years ago. I hadn’t dated in about a year and then decided to try it out. The guy was so great and kind and loving and just a good guy. I felt nothing. In fact, the idea of being with him, or anyone, was repulsive to me. I considered sleeping with him because I knew he wanted to but I honestly didn’t want to so I didn’t. I reflected on that deeply. I realized that there were so few times in my life where I was genuinely sexually attracted to someone. Instead, I was using sex as a substitute for love.
I’m 36 now with 3 kids and a job that fulfills me. I’ve been celibate over a year. I sometimes find myself thinking about men I meet but when I really think about it, I don’t WANT to have sex with them and I don’t WANT to be with them. It’s something that happens subconsciously and fades as quickly as it arose. Ultimately, I don’t feel desires for an emotional or sexual connection to anyone. I’m otherwise content with my life. Additionally, I feel like the love I get from my children and the immense satisfaction I get from my job have finally filled that need for love and acceptance.
I guess I’m asking for an opinion. I know Aromanticism and Asexuality are a spectrum. If I’ve “been in love” enough to marry someone and have their children, do I fit the identity? Given the fact that the choices I’ve made have been driven by seeking the love and acceptance I didn’t get as a child, does that mean I’ve always been Aro/Demi or Aro/Ace?
I’m very confused and while I know having a label for what I feel doesn’t change anything, it’s comforting for me.