Hi! For a year or so I've come across aromance and asexuality...and although I've realized that I don't mind the idea of sex, I am confused if I've ever shows signs of being aro or grey-romantic? I thought I've had enough confusion and try to get a clear understanding of myself so here goes:
When I was a kid I only had 1 crush that lasted until 5th grade but I never wanted anything from it. In my teenage years, I've been attracted to people sexually and didn't have anything more than that. Being with them in a committed relationship never crossed my mind nor did I ever "chase after" anyone. The past year I dated about 2 people but I can't tell if I was ever truly in love. Even saying so made me uncomfortable or that I was forced to..
Granted, both of the them flunked so i wouldn't understand how to compare with someone who is romantic, but I like to do things for people; I treated them no differently from my friends (besides flirting and sex). I overall cared for them as something platonic though with support and positive feels, and whatnot. I don't think realization of me 'loving' this person was ever present. The commitment stuff like getting married, living together, etc, etc...I didn't like it at all. Anytime I'd think about it, it just came off as a burden. For the sake of romance, I mean. I would be 100% okay if me and a friend decided to use each other for financial support. Even if it was possible, I would marry just for benefits--not anything for love.
At the same time, whenever I feel 'lonely' I think about having someone but only half platonic and half sexual. I suppose the meaning is QRP? Though maybe because I still lack confidence and assume if I find someone like that it'll make me feel wanted, but then when I find someone it ends up complex, fake, and feelings die down.
A side note, a live in a household that's NOT open-minded. My mom is dead-set christen and expecting me to 'experience love' and find 'the one'. So I'm pressured to do something expected of me. In reality, all this relationship stuff is stressing me out and I don't want any of it rn. I also realized that I wanted acceptance from males (probably because of daddy issues idk) and ended up latching onto when an attractive guy took interest in me...but now when I think back, I believe that was the only gratification I got from these relationships??
So now I'm conflicted because I want the best for myself and understanding who I am is important to me. Am I being complicated or is it really aro? Really sorry if I offended anyone. orz