Uxhio

Well, I relate on the marriage part, I specially hated when my grandma went like:''you just think that because you are a kid, you will change your mind when you are older'' or ''you just think that because you think no one is able to love you, you have low self-esteem''. Ugh, no I want to be loved but not that way. By the way, I enjoy other people being happy in their relationships and fictional ships too, as long as physical affection, I just don't get the difference between a very close friendship and a romantic partner excepting the sex part but since I'm not ace or sexually repulsed that's confusing. And since it's hard to explain to people I rather prefer to be alone than to find the soulmate I am looking for.

You know... I'm a weird person. I can like or learn to enjoy romantic movies (as long as they aren't flat cheesy lovey dovey things), specially because my mom is super romantic and I watched a lot of those with her; but all feels icky to me. For example, I love fictional ships, I like to experiment how two or more characters (any gender) could interact in certain situations, their dynamics and, of course, physical contact + affection. Buuuut, I'm not really sure I see them in a romantic light. The thing is that romantic people sees physical affection and even sex always with pink colored glasses ''if you copulate/kiss/hug, etc you must be a couple''. Same irl, I like to meet new people, I enjoy emotional closeness and physical affection and I can start finding you sexually attractive, but as long as the thing changes to romantic territory (together forever, you are mine, I can't live without you, excessive praise, things going too fast, people accusing me of being uncaring because I like my own space and it's very very extended) I get repulsed and stuff. I'm not disgusted at the person, because they can't control it, but I just go ''no, slow down, I don't want this''. The thing is, romance looks interesting on paper and on fantasy, but not in real life. For years I thought I was broken, because I thought I shouldn't prefer to be by myself to date/flirting. For me romantic love was and still is ''very close friendship with sex as a combo'' and I tended to think this was an universal fact, but apparently it's another sentiment for most of humanity. I wish I could understand it.

Well, technically my preference is ''bisexuality'' in terms of SEXuality, but people tends to lump sexual and romantic attraction together. This is why people tends to assume you must be also ace if you are aromantic by default. Or that you are ''picky'' or [insert bad mental diagnosis here] if you don't like a romantic relationship while feeling sexual attraction towards people. Notice how the key is romanticism, not some sort of close affection. Yes, it's an umbrella term or label, but you see labels and terms everywhere, they are necessary sometimes and the existence of one doesn't delete the validation of the other. Hot and cold, sun and Moon, one depends on the other. Where you see the gays, there are the heteros, the cis and the trans. No one is the enemy of the other, they are just different. We just want to chill, dude. Somehow we need to call ''human beings with sexual attraction'' so we can pair it with aro to distinguish it from mostly of sexual people that seek romantic relationships, because it's not by default. Well, technically my preference is ''bisexuality'' in terms of SEXuality, but people tends to lump sexual and romantic attraction together. This is why people tends to assume you must be also ace if you are aromantic by default. Or that you are ''picky'' or [insert bad mental diagnosis here] if you don't like a romantic relationship while feeling sexual attraction towards people. Notice how the key is romanticism, not some sort of close affection. Yes, it's an umbrella term or label, but you see labels and terms everywhere, they are necessary sometimes and the existence of one doesn't delete the validation of the other. Hot and cold, sun and Moon, one depends on the other. Where you see the gays, there are the heteros, the cis and the trans. No one is the enemy of the other, they are just different. We just want to chill, dude. Somehow we need to call ''human beings with sexual attraction'' so we can pair it with aro to distinguish it from mostly of sexual people that seek romantic relationships, because it's not by default. Well, technically my preference is ''bisexuality'' in terms of SEXuality, but people tends to lump sexual and romantic attraction together. This is why people tends to assume you must be also ace if you are aromantic by default. Or that you are ''picky'' or [insert bad mental diagnosis here] if you don't like a romantic relationship while feeling sexual attraction towards people. Notice how the key is romanticism, not some sort of close affection. Yes, it's an umbrella term or label, but you see labels and terms everywhere, they are necessary sometimes and the existence of one doesn't delete the validation of the other. Hot and cold, sun and Moon, one depends on the other. Where you see the gays, there are the heteros, the cis and the trans. No one is the enemy of the other, they are just different. We just want to chill, dude. And about discrimination, I guess it depends on your sexuality? Like you can be hetero and aro or gay and aro, I suppose the discrimination of one is not the same of the other. But in the end the experience of some people doesn't invalidate yours. Somehow we need to call ''human beings with sexual attraction'' so we can pair it with aro to distinguish it from mostly of sexual people that seek romantic relationships, because it's not by default.

Oh god, the love triangles The most pointless and annoying thing in a romantic drama. My mother loved these and I had to swallow them all the time. I remember I was like totally uninterested and I got pissed off when people assumed ''Hollywood love can be real, because they saw it on a movie''. Movies are fictional, getting hope something irl will happen is weird for me. But with love triangles I was like:''why can't they stop fighting for each other and live together like special friends?'' Yes, this may look like polyamory, but actually its not. Because for me friendship and partnership was the same. Of course, my mother stared at me like I said the most stupid thing. It was like they were a possession of the other person. Interestingly enough I liked to ship friends in cartoons, sometimes even more than two persons together. Just friends.

Thanks, I know (sorry, I am late because I forgot about my password and the account, I don't tend to visit this forum so often). You would get surprised how many times I saw this, even people wanting to ''drop the b'' in our community, because ''we aren't gay enough, we are fakers''. But I found some people with similar non heteronormative points of view and now I'm more comfortable. Each day I'm more and more convinced I'm aro. I kinda confessed it to one of my friends (others are hopelessly romantic and it would be like explaining barks to a cat). They were like ''But weren't you bisexual?'' The sad part was that they were aroace, I thought they would be more comprehensive of this, but they assumed than my chronic anxiety and traumas could be cured if I got a romantic partner ''because friends of them found mental peace with a partner''. A romantic partner, that thing that I don't get and I feel repulsed to? Like I wasn't enough on my own. I need a therapist and sometimes someone that actually listens. Only partners do that? I thought emotional intimacy comes from friendship and family too. How to explain to people that sexual attraction and romantic attraction aren't the same and they don't have to correlate? I know what I need emotionally, but it's too niche and explain it to people is a burden. Mostly of them would stare in disgust so it's easier to say I'm bisexual without explaining love.

Lately, I'm more and more convinced that I'm alloaro. I never understood romantic love, like... never. I know you can't 'understand' emotions,but for me, sexual attraction was correlated with affection, but not ROMANTIC affection. I'm fed up of some people calling us ''heartless monsters'', ''players'','' cowards that are scared of commitment''. Because, people that knows me are very conscious that I'm one of the most loyal people over here. I'm always down for communication and listen to people,just not romantic feelings. All this time I tried to 'fit it', to feel comfortable around romanticism. This made me feel miserable. From now on I'm accepting that probably I won't be able to feel that wonderful romanticism (that solves depression, apparently) that everybody is selling around me. And there is nothing wrong with that. What's wrong with wanting to be free? To not belong to someone? To feel complete by yourself? If I have you in my life it's because I want you, not because I need you. But I really don't get the term ''friends with benefits'', because it looks like I'm treating people as sexual objects, which is not the case. I really care for people with all my heart, thinking about them makes me happy, I'm there when they are bad and vice versa... And sexual desire towards some of them. Just not romantic feelings. A lot of people calls me horny. I'm like:''yeah,like every other allo''. I don't get why it becomes automatically a bad/unnatural (loser) thing when it doesn't include romanticism. Apparently, you need to feel comfortable having sex ONLY around totally strangers or a love partner. Anything else makes you a horrible, manipulative and predatory person (again, communication is the key), even when you aren't hurting anyone (if it's consensual) and it's an attraction you can't control. I tried to denied it for years, I tried to convince myself that what I was feeling must had been romantic just because I felt sexual attraction, and I only got self hatred and guilt instead of happiness. It's specially hard when you are bisexual, because the LGBT+ community could accuse you of perpetuating the media stereotype of ''disloyal horny bisexual''. I'm not a good representation for the community, so I don't exist for them. At this point I just wanna live my life and find someone with a similar mindset.

My mother told me that when I was 5 or something, a boy my age tried to grab me by my hand because he liked me. And, although he managed to do it in the end, I was more interested in whatever was around me than in him. I even tried to ran away but he was grabbing me pretty hard. My mother knew there was something ''different'' in me. According to her, all women in our family liked the idea of dating from a very very early age and I'm the exception, always indifferent. I'm happy for having an understanding family, but explaining things to foreign people is difficult. They assume I will change. I never understood love triangles, I find them pointless, as long as certain love topics... I see them as ''toxic''. Like: -I need you, I will die if you leave= This sounds like emotional manipulation. -You are my half= No, I'm a whole person. -I need to treat you badly so you feel interested in me= Seriously? And yes, a dude tried this with me, he always bullied me and I'm no masochist. -Love can move mountains= Yes, self love can and even then some things are impossible to achieve. -You need to insist and change the way you are and make sacrifices to conquer someone's heart= No, god, no! Hoping to someone to love you when they aren't interested is painful (being a martyr is not cute or prideful), also, the idea of stop being myself to get mixed with someone so you two are a single individual is scary/creepy to me (I can change to improve myself, but not to suck other person's personality like a lot of couples do). It's sad those topics are widespread and openly accepted and then people says ''romantic love'' is innocent, pure and the best thing in the world.

Then you are like me, bisexual aromantic probably. I'm still figuring out, but I get so pissed when people tells me that ''getting a romantic partner will solve all my problems'', specifically when I'm feeling vulnerable due to cycling hormonal changes. I always felt like being repulsed by dating made me an immoral weirdo, but I have no problem with knowing people, but if it's a formal date I shrink into my hole and I don't leave home. I was thinking about going to a sex doctor, I have too much pressure to be ''normal'' and I wanna know if this romantic repulsion is okay or should I be fixed. All this because I do feel sexual attraction and for some people, a woman with sex drive but no romantic feeelings is monstrous and she must be broken (I do feel queerplatonism tho). I just don't think there is a magical pill that will turn me into your ''average romantic crazy Joe''. At least my family accepts it (I'm not sure if I want to label myself as aro tho) but a good portion of humanity doesn't. My best friend, an aroace, she told me the ''sure it's just a phase'' clique and it disappointed me. People only understands aromanticism when associated with asexuality and it makes me sad.