Thanks for your replies! I feel welcome.
Uhhh it's been a long road, but: I have two lovers at the moment.
One of them I got to know through friends. I have a friend that I just got to know through work, this guy who clocked that I was also queer and polyamorous (I don't know if that's a term I'd use for myself any more because I'm not... amorous. But polyam circles are good for finding varying intensities of relationships, because there's not the expectation that everyone will automatically board the relationship escalator of falling in love - dating - getting engaged - moving in together - getting married) and he invited me to a big party. There I met this lady who is married to the love of her life but open to playing with other people (with the husband's full knowledge and consent of course). We ended up flirting a little and she asked if I wanted to play (bdsm circles: also good for casual play partners). And then I waited AN ENTIRE YEAR because I wasn't ready, but then we talked again and met up and it's super nice, we get along like a house on fire and we've been meeting once a month or two for a year now. She's said she's infatuated with me, I've said I don't really feel that way, maybe not for anyone ever, and we're both cool with each other's feelings (or lack thereof).
The other lover I just met this summer at Pride. I went on Pride picnic with some queer & trans friends (queer / trans / gender non-conforming people: also often cool with non-normative relationships, but your info says you're straight so this is maybe not applicable to you). I liked him, I asked him out (I am super brave, this was NOT easy but I've tried to learn to voice my desires more clearly lately and asking never hurts if you do it nicely), we've played together once now, it was super nice and we're planning another date. (Both of these people live in another town than me, which also keeps the intensity down nicely.) He has a lot of casual play partners / one night stands, I don't know if he's looking for a love relationship but since we're explicitly nonmonogamous he's free to find that somewhere other than me and if he does it doesn't mean he has to dump me.
I've tried online dating with mixed success, but I find it's better to just go out where likeminded, sexually openminded people hang out and meet them, that's a faster way to see if you'll connect with someone.