Squash Two

Hi there! I’m aroace and married to an allo person. Basically how we got together was, we had been friends for a while, and quickly became best friends who spent a lot of time together. I was comfortable sharing my identity and the details of my aspec experience with her, and she was genuinely interested in finding out more about it. I think this was when I first thought she might be interested in me. It was so subtle that I assumed it wouldn’t matter, because she knew I was uninterested in a relationship and still wanted to spend time with me. It got to the point that I would spend the weekends at her house, and when we were apart we would still talk about our hopes for the future (children/no children, what kind out house, job, pets, etc.) I realized that I wanted to build my life with her, despite not having the same type of feelings, which I had been noticing coming from her. I told her how I felt, and she was thrilled. A lot has happened since then, and it was at times very difficult. We loved each other, but the love we had and the love we needed were sometimes at odds. It took years until we were certain that our relationship could last. Regarding your concerns: yes, I have felt guilty at times. The best thing to do is be transparent about how you feel, with regards to your own wants/needs, but also towards them. This includes not lying to yourself. When you communicate and understand each other, guilt fades away. Physically most of our contact would probably be considered platonic. We do kiss and cuddle, but not that much. We are not shy around each other, but contact does not really do all that much for either of us. There were periods in our relationship where we tried more physical affection, and it was okay sometimes, but it also felt a bit off. There are many ways to be close, and we prefer other ways than physical.

It does seem like you are aro-spec based on what you have shared. Your experience sounds a lot like mine, except we both knew I was aro before our relationship began. In the first couple years of our relationship we had a lot of trial and error, as she was allo and neither of us had been in a committed relationship before. (A lot of this brought up my internalized arophobia, as I too wanted to “try harder” for her. Sometimes I would know my own limits, but sometimes I wouldn’t realize what I was doing until she pointed out that I seemed uncomfortable.) We ended up in a direction neither of us had expected our lives to go, but we are happy with where we are at. I’m sharing my experience because I don’t want you to be scared about what your future might hold now that you have broken up and are possibly aromantic. It’s painful when you can’t fulfill the needs of someone you love, and I think you made the right choice for the well being of you both. Maybe she will still be a good friend for you, or maybe not, but either way the future still holds many possibilities.