Enzi

Alright so, I'm just gonna put this as a slight disclaimer: I have a lot of emotional trauma that heavily influences how my romantic attraction works. Alright, so I identify as an asexual lesbian, but I know I'm somewhere on the aro-spectrum as well. I seem to have these "waves" of romantic attraction. It's very inconsistent. I have almost never been interested in someone I've just met. I need to know them to some extent. I need to feel safe around them and have a kind of emotional bond. But there are a few (rare) occurrences where I've liked someone after just a few conversations with them. So it makes it feel weird when I try to use demiromantic. I've thought about using grey-romantic, but the definition seems so ambiguous that it's a little intimidating to use? Then add the trauma and there's a chance that this might be because of it. I'm just very confused. Any help?

I'm actually aromantic due to traumatic experiences outside of romantic situations. I grew up (and am still in) an emotionally abusive house. The emotional trauma that has resulted because of the abuse affects all relationships I have (platonic, familial, romantic, etc.). It's hard to explain, but it's not just fear that it comes from, it's just how my brain processes everything I guess. Like, when it comes to being with my friends or anybody, I do too much or am somehow too much or too little and somehow I just get this very sick feeling in my stomach. Really normal things trigger me and it causes a lot of distress because somehow my brain links them to my parents. Romantic relationships involve a lot of vulnerability and a lot of my triggers are directly related to them, so as a result, I have become repulsed to romance. It's strange, really, I identify as an asexual lesbian solely for the fact that I feel like properly labeling myself as aromantic is kind of letting the trauma win, but I'm not ignoring my repulsion to romance either, just not actively labeling myself as it. One day when the trauma has healed I know I'll be able to fall in love if the situation ever occurs, but right now I can't. It sucks, and it really sucks knowing that I have the chance of falling in love but I just can't, but I'm only in high school and once I'm able to get out of my house things will hopefully take a turn for the better. Besides, not being in relationships isn't that bad. Gives me a chance to focus on other things and not fret about getting a girlfriend.