hermi1e

It's totally ok to be aro in a romo relationship, as long as it's something u want. The main thing here might be communication, tho. Mebe let them know what romo activities ur comfortable with, how often u wanna spend time together, what ur attraction to them feels like, whenever ur uncomfy with smth, etc. Like @nonmerci said, it's best if they know what to expect from u and the relationship. Ur not leading someone on if they know what's goin down About ur identity: eeeee. This can be tricky. The main thing to focus on, imo, might be what type of attraction ur feeling. (Remember, tho this might sound obv, labels are meant to describe feelings.) If ur feeling romo attraction, this might help know if ur aro-spec. Untangling and labeling feelings of attraction can be time consuming and frustrating, but you'll figure it out. U got this! Feel free to talk more about this here, we're happy to listen and help out. Congrats on starting a relationship! i hope it works out the way u want it to.

What if there were queer colleges, like there are historically black colleges and religious colleges and stuff. Legit, just one big gay college with Pride Month as a huge celebration and specific clubs/classes about different genders and sexualities in addition to other clubs/classes. And all the professors are LGBT and aware of LGBT issues and identities. No frat culture. Just gay bars, and drag shows instead of rushing fraternities.

Yeeeees it was so accurate

TRIBALISM!

First of all, welcome to Arocalypse!! ? I personally am not aro, but i hear so many aromantics who say really really similar things. I think it's true that when you're aro, the most important relationships in your life are platonic ones (not for everyone, but i've seen that as a common theme). Also, although the concept of a queerplatonic relationship originated in the asexual community, it's definitely a huge part of the aromantic community too. You're not alone in this. In terms of what to call yourself: This may be pretty obv and i don't need to say it, but labels are made to describe feelings. If you're feeling romance-indifferent or romance-repulsed, then any of those can be your label. If your past experiences with romance has been "nada," you can call yourself aromantic, or you may be on the aromantic spectrum. I get why you want to combine how you feel about romantic vs platonic relationships when you describe your identity, especially in fewer words than "I'm aromantic and asexual and don't want a romantic relationship but I do want a very close platonic relationship." That's a mouthful. I'm wondering, what is the main reason you want a label/labels? Is it to explain to others why you don't want a romantic relationship? Is it to understand your feelings from the past? Is it to understand your own feelings in the future? Is it to clarify to your friends that you want close friendships? Is it to communicate how you feel to your squishes? (these are just a few guesses. only you can answer this question ) Please remember that labels are for you and only you. It makes sense to want a simple or clearer way to communicate it, but you are allowed to call yourself anything that fits you, no matter what. (E.g. i tell people I'm on the aro spectrum to avoid having to explain my microlabel. But i still identify with that microlabel.)

That does sound pretty aro to me Keep in mind that the short-n-sweet definition of aromantic is: no romantic attraction to other people. An aro can have romantic relationships, and relationships of any kind. An aro can like romantic media. An aro can want a romantic relationship, but just isn't attracted to anyone. An aro can be romance-indifferent or romance-repulsed. An aro can have crushes on fictional characters but not on people irl. An aro can still have sexual and platonic and aesthetic attraction to other people, just not romantic. Plus, there is the aromantic spectrum, in which there are exceptions to the no-romo pattern Such as having rare romantic attraction (greyromantic), only developing a crush after a close emotional bond is formed (demiromantic), having crushes but only wanting romance in theory, or not wanting it reciprocated (lithromantic), etc. Ofc, we cannot answer this question for you. You are in charge of what labels fit your identity and make you comfortable. Take care o yourself!

That makes total sense. A lot of people ID as a label, even if it only partially describes them. Someone might prefer the label "gay," even if they have occasional attraction to a different gender, because it almost always describes how they feel. You are allowed to use aromantic as an umbrella term for yourself if it fits best, even if someone else might put you under a different label. If you are worried though, it might be good to ask urself some questions: Why are you doubting that you're aromantic? Are you experiencing romo attraction, or do you think you might have in the past, or are you not sure if you are/did, or did a romo situation present itself and confuse you, or do you think it could be plain old imposter syndrome? What about the aromantic label do you identify with or like? Maybe it's the simplicity, or maybe it entirely describes how you feel, or maybe it almost entirely describes how you feel, or maybe others have used it to describe you, or maybe you find the community appealing, or maybe you're used to identifying with it. Idk, these are just guesses Why do you think you don't want to identify with another label like greyro? Maybe they all feel foreign or you don't relate to any of them, or maybe you've heard negative things about them, or maybe you feel they're too complicated, or maybe you're not sure which to choose because multiple fit you, or maybe you're worried others don't understand them, or maybe thinking about them overwhelms you? Again, idk what you're feeling rn, so you get to answer this I'm just throwing out ideas, in case that helps. Please remember that it's ok to not have it figured out yet, or to have a temporary label. Thanks for talking about what's up, because that's a really good step in learning more about urself and sorting things out. i wish yoo the best!

I recently read A Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee, a YA historical fiction novel with an aromantic protagonist and a lot of feminist themes; the protagonist, Felicity, is trying to pursue a career as a doctor and avoid marriage in a time when women weren't allowed to do that. This book is a sequel to a VERY romantic book called A Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue, which centers around a bisexual disaster of a protagonist going on a wild quest to find a cure for his epileptic boyfriend or something? I might be remembering wrong, but it was a lot of fun. I personally liked the first book better, but the aro rep in the sequel is great. One could probably skip the first book if ya read a synopsis or smth? Yeah.

Idk if this thred is ded, but hi, hello, I'm also questioning as lithro. When I first started questioning, I did the appropriate Gen Z thing and scoured the internet for memes about the identity. And I think that the memes about lithromanticism say a lot: 1. The identity is underrepresented as shit. I get that it's a tiny minority, but for real. There are like 3 lithromantic memes on the internet, and two of them are comics. Come on people, we can do better than that lol 2. We're aware of the underrepresentation. This is clear, i think, bc half the memes are just explanations of the identity. I feel like the creators are either venting their self-discovery story (i think that finding ur identity feels more special when the identity is little-known, because it's more surprising or can take longer to discover it), educating questioning lithros (because it might be the only way baby-lithros ever learn their identity), or educating non-lithros to spread understanding (because there's not much understanding, obv). Educating others is great, telling ur self-discovery story is great. This is all great. It just makes me sad that we have to focus so so much on explaining and justifying ourselves and grasping at visibility. I'd love if we could make some content for ourselves. (I know there are some great lithro memes like this. I just wish there were more.) 3. We hate being lithromantic. This one is the worst, i think. I personally hoped for memes that displayed pride, and showed that a lithromantic could live a happy life. Instead, i found #lithromanticproblems. And guess what. The problem most lithros have with being lithro is being lithro. "That moment when your attraction fades lol." Idk, it makes me sad. Yes, it can suck to be lithro. But what if all the memes about lesbians were "That awful moment when you're a woman attracted to women lol?" Like, no. That seems like internalized homophobia and shame, not pride. I get that it's good to talk about the disappointment, but I'd also like to talk about how great it is to be lithro. Such as.... - We don't have to deal with the complications of actually being in a relationship. - Once we acknowledge that romance isn't in the cards for us, there's no pressure for us to pursue it. - We can focus mostly on other relationships, like friendships (this applies to a lot of the aro/ace community, i think). - We still get the dopamine-inducing experience of having crushes. Legit, just having a crush can reduce stress and increase self-esteem. - We can find ways to fulfill our own needs without romance, which some alloromantic people never learn how to do. We learn that romance isn't goin to make our lives perfect, and we can live fantastic lives without it. Basically what I'm saying is, can we make some memes about that stuff? ? Ok thank you for listening to my meme ramble, byeeeee

I know I'm v late to this thread, but I have a similar problem where I get avoidant when someone initiates romance, and my feelings for the person vanish if they like me back. I have two ideas for why this happens to me, personally, and maybe they could apply to you too: Possibility #1: Blake already talked about this on this thread, but Lithromantic is an identity on the aromantic spectrum that might fit you. Here's a link to more info: Linky link Possibility #2: Attachment disorder! I don't know a ton about this, but it's a thingy in psychology relating to how we behave in a romantic relationship, or basically any relationship. There are different attachment styles, for example, Secure, Avoidant, Fearful Avoidant, Preoccupied, etc. They're often influenced by ur relationship with ur parents when you were growing up, as well as past trauma. These can be overcome and improved to be more secure, such as through therapy. Here's a link about that too: linkety link link, and here's another: lonk. (These are both videos.) I hope these help. This sounds hella difficult, but you're gonna figure it out. Take care!

Ay-ro-ah-cah-lips idk why

That's a really smart idea! I haven't been able to look past the terminology (and I've also been kinda nervous about conveying how much i like him), so i really needed to hear that. Thanks so so much

I think it's definitely ok. I'd also suggest it's possible *gasp* to... combine labels. *GASP* Basically, you could call yoself aromantic, and grey-bisexual. (Grey-bi kinda has a ring to it.) Please do whatever makes you comfortable and happy, and have a great day!

um so this will be long, i understand if you don't read the whole thing I had this really intense squish on my friend at summer camp last summer. I'd never had a squish before. It was a whole thing. And we've been pretty closely in touch ever since. Like, real close. And a month or so ago, I wrote him a bit of a paragraph about how i felt and how much i loved him. And he sorta wrote smth similar back, about how much he valued our friendship. It was overwhelmingly sweet and wholesome. Two things happened because of that. No wait, three things. One, i was convinced that he hadn't gotten the message. That he didn't know what I meant by "squish," and that he only had casual friend feels toward me. Or, like, that I had minimized how much i loved him, and that it sounded like I only had casual friend feels toward him. Two, i uhh sorta stopped liking him. I think. Which makes sorta solidifies my lithromantic identity? (I've been questioning.) So i don't think i feel as strongly toward this guy anymore. But i'm still not sure. Three, he got kinda more lovey-dovey toward me. It was awesome. He texted me at 3 am saying stuff he appreciated about me, and I got to spill all the reasons i love him back. It was great. Anyway, today we were texting about another guy i like romantically, and my squish joked that he could do better than that guy. And then he joked about taking the squish to the next level. Which kinda shocked me, because I'd thought he hadn't gotten the message. And then we kinda redid our declaration of friendship stuff, and he assured me that he had a squish on me back. Which. Like. No. Im not sure he's totally clear on how intense a squish is supposed to feel, and I think he's just feeling friend love and aaagh. It's frustrating, cause i'm certain that I feel more strongly towards him than he feels toward me. Or, like, than he thinks he feels toward me. Except, i'm not sure I even like him anymore? hnjfdaksl This is all happening real fast and feels messy and I should probably be telling this to him. Also i just wrote a wall of text, sorry. But if anyone knows anything about navigating this gray area, or has a fuckin road map for platonic relationships, i'd love that so so much. Also lithromantic stuff? idk. I understand if you don't read all the way to the end, or have an answer. I (platonically) love you all, and please take care of yourselves! Thank yooo

Goddamn that's wise. Thank you so much for all that. I'm thinking a QPR would be more fulfilling bc I could better communicate my desire for closeness. Even if he doesn't reciprocate, he'll know I value him and our friendship. And if he does reciprocate and wants a QPR, then !!!! big happy Again, thanks so much for your help. Thank you so much for ur response and support. Good luck with your person! This might be totally wrong, but I feel like squishes may be easier to fulfill than crushes? I don't mean that acts of friendship are of lower status than acts of romantic/sexual love. But if you are in a friendship with the person already, it might take a smaller step to become closer friends with them than it would take to enter a romantic relationship. You may still desire a reciprocated squish, but even if they don't reciprocate, it is possible to fulfill those platonic desires. D'you think this is true? (That might've been a totally ignorant, aro-phobic statement right there. I know QPRs are as significant as romantic relationships, and squishes can be just as intense as crushes. Just guessing here.)

That's the sweetest goddamn thing. Thankoo for replying! Yeas that'd be awesome! But, I'm not really sure how to....initiate that? Or what it would look like. I'm wondering how a QPR is more fulfilling than a more casual friendship. Like, is it fulfilling because they love you in the same way? Or is it the commitment aspect? Or that you spend more time together and make each other a priority? Again, just want to know some more bout QPRs and squishes (Also my squish lives in another state, so I ain't sure how we could spend more time together, or how realistic it is. I guess we could talk online, but uugh)

Hiii Hope this doesn't get ranty. I just set up my squish to go on a date with another friend of mine, it just kinda happened for fun, and now I don't know how to feel. I feel like it's not quite heartbreak, because it's not romantic love. I also feel like i have the potential to get closer to squish by setting him up. Like, i''m helping him or something? But it kinda hurts, because, yknow, I want to be with squish and I wuv him and sorta selfishly want him for myself. Which brings up questions!!! - like, what do you do about a squish!!! You just say, "hi person I'm already friends with! I want to be your friend! Like, more than we already are! Like super friends! Please?" Like, I don't know how to fulfill this kind of attraction. We learn from day one what you do about romantic feelings, like dating and kissing and netflix n chill. But WHAT DYOU DO ABOUT A SQUISH?? I'm realising that's my only question. Uhhh I'm sorry bout this rant. if anyone here is in a QPR or has a squish, that's super and I love you. Wanna share your experience? How do you navigate this kind of attraction? I'm basically trying to learn about QPRs. This is my first squish and I'm realizing I don't know a lot. Anyway, thank you guys! P.S. it's late at night where I am, so this would prolly be more coherent if I were more awake. Sorry bout that

kinda thought Missy from Big Mouth is lithromantic, because she lost attraction for Andrew real fast. You could kinda feel her repulsion when he got super lovey (she literally threw up on him!) I get that she was meant to just be overwhelmed and not ready for a relationship, but idk. Any other Missy fans here? XD Yas ofc, tho I'm bracing myself for queerbaiting

SPOILERS FOR RISE OF SKYWALKER AHEAD!! I agreeee. I loved the connection they forged at the end, but couldn't they have had a friendship or sibling relationship? A hug woulda been so much better. But I guess the creators couldn't see ANY non-romantic way to depict a human connection Also my son Kylo should not have died aaa

1,857

I don't have experience either, but this post made me think of a thing: in most cultures, throughout human history, children were raised by their extended family and community as well as their parents. The idea of a nuclear family, with a mom and a dad who are in a romantic relationship and raise the children, is a relatively new idea. If you're asking if you can raise a child in a non-traditional family, most of human history will tell you: yes. Wish I had actual info to give you, though ?. Hope you find the tips and support you need to raise your kid(s)! ?

Thank you for telling me! This aro ace character and the main character have a strong platonic relationship, but the aro ace character is definitely awkward and uncomfortable with showing platonic affection (such as hugging). I am worried that this falls into the robot stereotype of aro ace people. What do you think? Also, he does have an slightly emotionally-unstable father, which is kind of like past trauma. It is not a necessary story element, and I might take it out of the story anyway. Thanks for bringing it to my attention, because I didn't even think of that!

I'm writing a story right now that features a character who comes out as aroace. I'm a bit worried that I'm using stereotypes or something. Can ya'll help me out? This character is a seventeen-year-old boy who is flawed in a bunch of ways. He's overly critical, kind of bigheaded, and he talks a lot. But he's also a funny best-friend character who is supposed to be entertaining. In the story, he struggles against the norms of the society he lives in. First, he is bothered by the community's passive reaction to the story's main conflict (vampire slayers are trying to kill them all), and he's also internally fighting his romance-repulsed aroace identity in a traditional family that expects him to get married. Briefly, to rebel, he joins a gang, but he realizes how violent they are (also they make fun of the fact that he doesn't want a girlfriend), and he leaves. Near the end he comes out to the main character as aroace. Does this character sound like a stereotype at all? If so, let me know! If you know any books with aroace characters that I can look at, I would love to know about them. Some questions I have are: What does romance-repulsion feel like to you, and how could I show it in this character? Also, what are stereotypes to avoid? How did you come out, and how did it feel? (Also, there's a conflict in the story that I'm a little worried about, too. The main character is a lesbian, and she and this aroace character come out to each other. When the main character comes out as a lesbian, this featuring character has an angry and homophobic reaction. This is partly because he was raised to think this way by their traditional community, and partly because he is romance repulsed. He reacts negatively to other forms of romance in the story, too. Soon enough he accepts the main character for who she is, and they support each other. Obviously, intolerance within the LGBT+ community is a real issue. Do you have any advice on how to tackle it?) Thank ya'll so much! I'm so glad aro-spec people are creating out there.

Hey, I found a song by Gabrielle Aplin, and I interpreted it as kind of Lithromantic! Sort of about having a crush, but not wanting/being repulsed by reciprocation. Tell me what you think: Please Don't Say You Love Me. What other Aro-spec songs do you know?