AutistAro

Welp.

It’s day 6 of no online socializing. Made the decision of leaving that group chat last night. I can still talk to members individually, but at this point, I don’t want to initiate conversations anymore. I think I burned myself out from trying to befriend everyone. From trying to keep the group chat from dying. I wanted friends but maybe my definition of ‘friend’ means something else to others. Least they have their romantic partners. I’m just an afterthought I guess. They mean well. Good people. I must’ve been overbearing. Always checking in if everyone was ok. Being overly optimistic. Acting like a child, pretty much. Always texting. Gotta back the fuck off. My brain’s weird, tho. I either go all out or not at all. Gotta learn the in between. Gotta back off. 

Life’s gonna be like it was back then. All quiet. Me, myself, and I. 

Not like I’m gonna build a wall or close myself off from others. But I definitely have to learn how to control myself. 

Have to understand that for people with romantic partners, being close with friends is...not happening. ? 

I don’t know how close is too close. Nor how close I want to be. But fuck, I can feel that boundary. I’m just not interesting enough for them?  They don’t have fun talking to me? I find them interesting. I like talking to them. It wasn’t mutual it seems. And that’s ok. That’s life. There’s all sorts of people out there, but I think I need to befriend fellow aros. Because if romantic folk keep giving off that boundary I think I will internally combust. Not their fault. Not anyone’s fault. Just me being overly sensitive and weak. But tis a learning lesson. I’ll get over it.