NotHeartless

My roommate and I sometimes disguise us as couple so it's more likely we'll get a rental contract for an apartment. It's kinda funny and sad simultaneously.

Today, I realized (once again) I do love but not in the "typical romantic way" (or what society considers it as such).
I do not shy away anymore from saying "I love you" because it's far from a "I love you and I need you, otherwise I'm sad"- way. It's more a "I love you, I care about you and I want you to be happy. Do what makes you happy". It feels like I can love people freely. It feels so open, endless. It's hard to explain. But I'm thankful I am able to experience it because, looking at the world, apparently not many people are able to love this way. I don't know, it feels like a gift.
So while I'm on it: I love you guys. I love the aro community and our diversity. You rock!
It's kind of ironic an aro person is writing all of this but these are my honest feelings. Maybe I'm actually extremly polyamorous without wanting to bind myself on one person but whatever this is, it feels right. I want to be able to tell my friends, and everyone else I care about, that I love them. Without anyone misunderstanding, that is all.

I had a lecture about basic chemistry and physics the other day. They were talking about how difficult and tedious it was to discover the existence of neutrons since they aren't charged. Some time after, I've thought: We aros, aces and aroaces are kind of like neutrons. We are needed too. To keep balance, even though many people don't even know we exist. We're valid nontheless and just as important as every other particle in the universe.
(wanted to share because this thought cheered me up)

Regarding "sad as an aro"...
I currently need to take care of old wounds. I met new people in my life, people I get along with great but I still need to think about the friendships I had which are now shattered to pieces.
I feel especially upset about two people, a guy and a girl. Both of them led me down though I don't want to picture myself as "perfect friend". I am not flawless and I can behave like an ass. But I still feel so betrayed and misunderstood.
For the girl, her relationship to her lover was way more important than me - though I knew her for years and stood by her side through thick and thin, through every heartbreak, through her depression and everything.
For the dude, even though we knew much about each other and had a few years together, he was damn selfish and his satisfaction of needs was the most important thing. Not me nor his own gf. He wasn't interested in me, I was only a tool.
Seriously guys, I don't fall in love but I feel like my love is scattered all over my friendships. New and old, bad and good. The memories hurt like hell at the moment, especially the memories of the girl. I probably behave like a drama king but I need to get this out because a) here are most likely people who understand me and b) I felt so numb the last weeks. Maybe this is one cause.
It hurts so much when you like/platonically love someone and they seem to don't give a fuck about you after all.
I have empathy and can understand many things, regarding human emotions. I understand when a friend falls in love and they want to spend much time with their lover. But there are boundaries, e.g. when I get abandoned after months and they never call me or if they do, they only want to talk about their relationship all the time.
At the same time I'm mad at the separation of lovers/friends. It causes so much grief and anger inside of me, at this very moment. Our society is so strange. And I feel so cold, lonely and separate from so many people.
I don't mind being alone but feeling a permanent gap between you and others because of amatonormativity is just...so...devastating. For me. I hate being so emotional. And they say aros don't have feelings or don't love anyone. Hahahaha...good one. I always hated my sensitivity (yeah I know, so much about self-love).
I empty my glass of whiskey and sign off, I'm sorry for this mess. Kind of.
At least I finally feel something right now and not only emptiness. If anyone can relate: you're welcome!

Listening to breakup songs makes me happy.