NotHeartless

Uh, that's really cool. I wish you the best for your ambitions and hopefully, you will never have "friends" again who don't accept you for who you are in your life. I dealt with this kind of people too. It can mess with your mental health and it's not easy to trust again.

@Nessa I understand the struggle of making (new) friends. I'm younger than you, but it certainly isn't an age thing. In my age (late 20s) people tend to settle down, get married, etc. which isn't a great phase, especially when you're aro but still desire to feel a deeper connection with others (just not on a romantic basis). Greetings to France btw, I'm your friendly neighbor from Germany. The land in which being aromantic is just as unknown. Je ne peux pas parler français...alors que j'adore la langue. Eh bien, peut-être un peu mais c'est rouillé. 😅

Oh that's interesting, I've never seen or thought about this connection. I personally don't think too highly about MBTI but I did take the test just a few days ago to compare my result to a friend of mine (who is INFP). I'm INFJ.

Hello Tallow and welcome to the forums! To answer your question: yes, I get intense squishes sometimes wich I mistook for crushes. I then do feel a bit nervous around them, most notably I get really excited. I get excited when I talk to them or they message me and I love to spend my time with them. I don't desire to be exclusive with them though, it's just really a hype when I meet someone I like and find interesting. :)

Yes, I do deal with anxiety though it was worse when I was a teen. I had severe social anxiety back then (most people made me afraid just by knowing they are there), while nowadays I can function without going into "flight mode". I kind of beat my anxiety when I confronted myself again and again and again with certain situations. It definitely wasn't easy and even now, not everything of it is completely gone. I can be quite social, actually (when I want to be). I'm also prone to overthinking and I always hated to do oral presentations *urgh*. You are all not alone.

I agree with OP. Also, it speaks for itself when people say "oh, you don't have this and that problem, you have it so much easier than me". It's disgusting to outweigh personal suffering like that. It's completely invalidating and no one deserves it. Shows me as well people can't imagine the downsides of being aroace or ace/aro but there certainly are (greetings to my crushing loneliness) - just like with every orientation.

and the very next day, you gave it away 🥺. I'd feel kinda offended, lol.

Hi and welcome to the forums, Rowan! Hope you have a great time here :).

I came across the term asexual when I was 15 (I now realize how lucky I was because asexuality was even lesser known back then. No, I'm not a dinosaur 😄). I had the chance to talk to other teens online who felt very similar to myself. I did have some sexual experience at one point but it never changed the feeling that I felt different and that people I was in a relationship with (or tried to be with) felt kind of different than me. They wanted and desired me on a level I was hardly able to imagine or process. I didn't initiated sex and it wasn't important to me. I felt indifferent towards it (still do) and the "strongest attraction" I do experience is aesthetic and sensual attraction (which I thought for the longest time was "sexual attraction" because I didn't know better). I wasn't disgusted by sex, but bored with it - besides in fiction, esp. books, where I do can enjoy it if it's well written. On a rational level, I kinda do understand why people like it and that it feels good but I wouldn't be sad if I never would have sex again. I don't care about it. Aromanticism came later because even the asexual community I hung out online didn't really use the term by the time. There were plenty of people who didn't feel the need for romance in their life but there were also people who had a partner or wanted children, etc. I understood I felt different when I sat down and talked to someone who had a crush on me and attempted building a relationship with me. I realized I felt different towards this person but couldn't describe it. For the longest time, I liked the idea of romance. But, as with sex, in real life and directed towards me, it isn't appealing. If I made an attempt at a romantic relationship, I wanted to go back to being friends again/being "just friends" shortly after because it always felt better. More natural to me but I still didn't get why. One fine day I discovered the English AVEN forums and was introduced to the term aromanticism and that people do feel this way and that's okay. The years before, I always thought of myself as strange and that there was something wrong with me. I then realized what I tought were crushes were actually squishes. I "only" love people platonically, not romantically. Years later and a good amount of therapy later, I finally accepted it's just the way I am and that it's not childhood trauma or a so called avoidant attachement style (what I thought for some time too). I do form strong and lasting bonds with others, but they are on the platonic side. This kind of connection makes me the happiest and most fulfilled, whereas romantic relationships make me feel uncomfortable and like I'm lying to myself and the other person (a feeling I detest). That's how I figured. I did question myself for a long time and sometimes I still have a few doubts about my orientation(s), but overall I just feel very understood by the ace and aro communities. More than by allo folks which speaks for itself, I think. Edit: to this day, I have zero desire to do anything society seems to label as fulfilling or necessary to achieve happiness in life (marriage, children, owning a house, growing old together with "the one", etc.). I stay away from this circus and I'm happy with my life as it is. I just wish I had more friends. :)

Great work, guys! :)

A bit off-topic maybe, but I love the icons you made! They are all so cute/awesome, and I love frogs in general. Cool idea! 😊

It's just stupid tbh. Why it isn't ever the other way around? When people are in love/have a crush/are in a relationship nobody is sitting there, saying "oh, you'll change your mind with time and don't wanna be with them anymore" or "you'll learn how pointless romantic relationships are" (and no, I do not want to encourage these kind of sayings, either). Because this society and the people within it are following the good ol' narrative of amatonormativity (and allonormativity too) and I'm so done with it. Yes, aromantics may be a minority but still these assumptions are harmful/can be harmful. Really, no one needs expectations. Just let people do and feel what they want as long as no harm is done to others and keep your "wisdom" to yourself. Just because a good chunk of people is doing X it doesn't mean X is right for everyone, automatically.

Sounds like a squish to me, too. Admiring someone, enjoying the time spent with them and want to get to know someone better almost desperately is a squish in my book.

I'd celebrate it. Even though I'm definitely NOT old, being in your late 20s (currently I'm 27) can feel old in this forums. Especially because almost everyone in this age around you is getting married/having kids/having girlfriends, boyfriends and you're just sitting there like "Yeah...what up?"

I don't know it either, just wanted to let you know I have the same "problem" (and do feel stupid for saying it like this because others would be happy to be get this kind of attention...but not me). Can only advice you to not change who you are. People will feel attracted to you regardless because they see in you what they want to see (and because you do probably have some attractive traits, are friendly, funny, open, etc.). The only thing we can do is being very honest and straight, saying "sorry, I don't feel this way about you, I don't want to date you" and to cut them off, if it is needed. I know, the latter sounds harsh but bear with me for a second. I've made the mistake several times to let the other person linger even though they knew I didn't feel the same, even though they knew we were both looking for different things. It's a tactic some people use to get "more" from you regardless or rather they think you will change your mind (🤮); just lived through it recently as of writing this post. If someone doesn't accept and respect your feelings and boundaries, don't let them be part of your life. In general.

That's very possible. I relate to some points you made about yourself and from my perspective, you do sound rather aro. At the end of the day, only you can know who you are and what you feel/what you want, but I just want to put it out as my first feedback. Have you ever wondered if you are afraid of intimacy? Not that your post is giving anything away like that. I want to point it out because you write your grandmother was narcissistic. Well, I was raised by a narc mother and don't have great self-esteem either (I have many years of therapy under my belt). It can also have consequences for the relationships we create or want to have hence why I do think your friend has a point somewhere. BUT. If your feelings and preferences won't change, even if you have a strong and, most importantly, healthy relationship with someone, yet you still feel like "being friends is better", "being friends with "benefits" would feel better", etc. then you are most likely aro in my opinion. There is a great difference between actually wanting a romantic relationship in real life but never having your needs met (because of your past, you may attract rather unhealthy individuals) and/or being afraid of relationships and actually not wanting it and feeling comfortable and fulfilled with being friends or having friends you can have sex with.

That is quite possible. Reminds me of myself. I can feel alterous attraction intensely - in real friendships I tend to feel intense for the other person in general - but I still know it isn't romantic in my book. Why? Because while I do enjoy my time with someone I like, I don't feel a longing or the need to touch them physically or even tell them I love them or something like this. I also don't have the wish to spend 24/7 with them, like it is apparently in romantic relationships. There isn't an urge to do these things and I am, like you, very content when we just hang out, talk, play games, etc. Many people still don't know about the concepts of alterous attraction/aromanticism/QPRs, so they will most likely say "that sounds romantic to me", even though it doesn't feel like it for you in the slightest. At the end of the day, you know what you feel and what you want or if you don't know it yet, you will figure it out eventually. Don't let the words of others make you doubt yourself and your experience, wishes.

Nice!

Hey guys, I've started to question my gender (again). About me and my development so far: I'm AFAB but don't identify with it. For some time, I have experimented with being a transgender man, dressing masculine, behaving more masculine, he/him pronouns, a new nickname and even passing, without hormones. I've felt some euphoria when someone addressed me as "young man". However, I came to the conclusion that behaving masculine is just another mask I've put on and I don't feel like my authentic self. I feel discomfort with both (female/male) stereotypes, especially when it comes to behaviour and interests. I hate it how people question your masculinity and even start to bring you down when you express certain characteristics, like being kind, caring or sensitive. I feel disguised and like I'm playing a role. As teen, I labeled my gender identity as "neutral" because I didn't know about the non-binary spectrum back then and it felt very right for me. This is all fine and dandy because I still like to present gender neutral or more masculine in my appearance and find it funny when people can't tell "what" I am. But I still experience gender dysphoria, in the following way(s): I have heavy bottom dysphoria. I don't like to touch myself down there, I feel uncomfortable when I see "it" (under the shower, for example) and don't get me started on the period. I'm familiar with chest dysphoria too, but I don't bind anymore because I hate how uncomfortable it is (I don't have much chest anyway). I don't have the desire to become pregnant and even get upset when people assume I *could* become pregnant (because my body is biological capable of it but I think I would die inside if it actually happened. Not exaggerating). I generally experience much dysphoria whenever I come in contact with things that are coded female in our society and are assigned to me automatically. I have discarded the idea of altering my body (already reached out for professional help) because for once, I'm afraid of it and can't tell if it would bring me actual relief (not having to deal with the period anymore for sure, but everyhting else? Idk, cause I don't long for very masculine apperances, like a beard or broad shoulders. I don't care about it). For second, I can't imagine taking hormones for many years or even until death. The thought of being so depended on meds scares the hell out of me. For some time now, I just ignored my gender and lived life as if everything is fine, even like a cis-woman for some months. For some time, I even did not experience severe dysphoria and was very relieved about it. But it comes back again, and again and again. No matter how I dress or how I behave. Yesterday, I have started to read a book about non-binary individuals that were, like me, AFAB. I could relate to many experiences they shared and it hurts so much. I can't remain neutral when I read it and I'm wondering why. Someone in the book wrote "I'm a boy with a vigina" and that sentence somehow stuck with me. Thing is, meanwhile I'm just tired of heaving to deal with gender dysphoria and would prefer if it would just go away and never come back. But I can't make it go away permanently and it brings much suffering into my life. I've told myself I just need to be myself, to me gender is a social construct and it doesn't make sense to me on many levels (as in I don't understand why trait xy is described as "female" or "male"). But still, there are these unpleasant feelings I can't shake off and it drives me crazy on some days. Do you have any advice or would like to share your own experience with gender dysphoria and how you handle it? I'm thankful for every answer because it's a heavy burden and I often feel alone with my complex feelings.

he felt a strange feeling as he crossed paths with his archenemy, the lord of the squirrels! He

My friend (who isn't into romance/dating and sex either) always says she would find it fascinating to become at least about 3,000 years old. She would like to see how society develops and with what else humankind comes up. In the good ways and the bad. But she wouldn't like to become immortal. It's similar for me. I wouldn't like to be immortal but not because of the pain of outliving my loved ones (tbh I think you can always meet new people, which doesn't mean you forget the people that were important to you), rather because I don't view death as something negative. A part of my soul, spirit, or what you might wanna call it, is relieved to be put at peace at last. Our brains are incapable to imagine what it is like to be dead and samewise are incapable of imagining eternity. Still we like to specualte about both, but I find death more fascinating than immortality for some reason. Maybe because it is a mystery on its own and I would definitely get tired of living at some point. Edit: Welcome to the forums, Asyajyl .

People who watched that The Simpsons episode with sideshow Bob in court know this one: In German, "die" is an article for feminine nouns. So Bob said "Die Bart, die. That's German" as to explain he wasn't meant to threaten Bart but was "just" using German (which is wrong in the grammatical sense, btw. Bart is a boy so you'd use "der" in German, the article for male nouns - if anyone wanted to know). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaXigSu72A4 I also find the nine nine nine meme funny. When you say "nine" in Germany, people would understand "nein", which translates to "no" in English. I once took a few Spanish lessons and noticed this, too. Found it quite funny while learning.

Great, then we now know another way how to keep potential candidates for marriage away. Good insider tips!

Salut et bienvenu, Théotime. Make yourself comfy and have some . Don't worry about your introduction, it's fine ? About the labels: I understand it because I did not use the term asexual for me until recently. Take your time and it's also fine to not label yourself at all. Hope you'll have you a great time on the forums!

I'm so happy to not have to deal with dating, finding "the one", pregnancy and the "biological clock", being married to one person my whole life and all that stressful stuff! I'm happy to have peace on my own and like eatingcroutons said: freedom! I can be spontaneous in my life and flexible. My aromanticism allows me to not follow a script that's given to us but stray waaay away from that and walk my own ways of happiness. When I fully realized this, a weight fell off my shoulders!