sunny

The phrasing does bother me a little. I often clarify and say "I'm not looking." Which often elimates people from asking further, except perchance they roll their eyes and do the whole "you say that now...." schpeal.

I know I actually shut down when I'm flirted with. It's happened recently since I've gone to college. It suddenly clicks that so much I do can be taken romantically, so I've stayed pretty far away from everyone. Not the most welcoming college experience, unfortunately. I had someone call me "cute" and ask if I could "sit in their lap" and I noped so hard I went to bed early that night.

Go with what you feel now. If later you renounce it, then that's fine. Life is about making those choices that make you happy, and these choices don't necessarily affect other people. If people say they do, they're also wrong. You're young, sure, but I ID'd as Aro when I was fifteen, and flopped on it later only to accept this part of me now. That may not be your story, or you may not flop at all. Maybe it's your fit, but if you ignore these parts of yourself they'll only come out later. Wishing you the best. c:

this year was the first year i was painfully aware of myself. all of my friends had partners and s/o's they kissed. i was the only one just sort of wading in it. not to mention the entire night they were all over each other. which again, if fine you know? it's them showing their affection for one another. i always feel so guilty about feeling weird around PDA. it's been a sort of recent development that has been kicking my ass. PDA always bothered me but not it just makes me wanna shut down completely. if we're playing games like... lets just play games man. let's just do what friends do best and not be crawling over one another. so yeah, i get what you mean. but it can be really fun. we normally just play board games at my house.

literally having this revelation is so strange? like i live with happy parents in a happy marriage, but it still occurs to me regularly like oh people genuinely want this. people aren't just saying it to say it.

i remember when i was asked out for the first time, i was mentally doing the math on whether or not i actually liked the guy before saying yes. my sister said it best, most recently: if you have to think about it, the answer is probably no. i've never really felt those strong feelings everyone talks about. i thought everyone was faking it until recently. missed the boat on that, huh? whoops.