Artemis's Aro

You might want to look into cupioromantic! It refers to an aromantic person who still desires a romantic relationship

i'm out to all my friends, and generally to anyone who asks (as long as they don't seem like they'd be weird about it). i'm very outwardly queer so i'm pretty visible at school/work. i'm not exactly out to my family (except to my brother) but i feel like at this point they can kinda guess i'm some flavor of queer.

I love cuddling I'm just always too scared to be intimate with friends in the case that they might take it the wrong way. Fortunately I've gotten more friends recently that are very touchy (lots of hugs and all that) and I've been over the moon. I get to play with their hair or lay my head on their shoulder. The other day I just got to sit behind one of them and we fully cuddled for a while it was great and platonic and all I want. I've never tried cuddling romantically but I just know it would make me immensely uncomfortable.

I hate it so much when they say "just friends" as if friendship can't be one of the strongest connections in the world. And the implications of that phrase make me sad anyways. People constantly choose romantic partners over friends, regardless of how new the partnership is and how long the friendship has gone, and it just makes me so sad. :(

I think you should look into frayromantic. It's when you can experience romantic attraction but it fades once it's reciprocated (which kinda sounds like what you described at the beginning). Lithromantic might also work for you, since it's when you feel romantic attraction that you don't actually want reciprocated. You could also just forgo microlabels and go with "aromantic" as a more general term, if you want to (that's kinda what I did anyways lmao) In general, if you feel you might be aromantic, you're free to label yourself as such. You don't have to worry too much about fitting into one strict definition of aromantic (since it is a spectrum and there are a lot of microlabels you might want to explore).

Yeah a little. I feel like we're often an after-thought on positivity posts, and most of the aro representation I've found (already sparse) was aroace content instead of aroallo. I don't mind it too much since I still relate a lot to the aro aspect of it, and since we don't have much representation in general, but I'd love to see more aroallo stuff around. Edit: also I just remembered that when I came out to my friends literally all of them assumed I was also ace. So yeah, I think a little bit more aro-allo rep would be welcomed.

I understand what you mean. Personally, I struggled with labeling my sexuality for a few years, until I kinda just gave up and said "queer" and that's it. With aromanticism, it was much easier to label myself. I found the word and promptly started using it. Also I totally relate about not being able to figure out sexuality because you can't actually experiment with it since you're socially anxious. I've questioned being ace-spec, but I know that it's mostly just me being too scared to think about sexuality with someone I don't already trust, and honestly that's a little hard to find outside of romantic relationships.

Maybe you should think about approaching future relationships as looking for a queer/quasiplatonic relationship (QPR)? The actual definition and actions in a QPR differ from relationship to relationship, but for me, at least, it's sort of like a committed friendship. Like "I don't want to date in the traditional sense but I do still want to be with you for a long time." Cuddles not kisses and all that. And yeah, it still might be hard to find this type of relationship because you'd still have to find someone who is willing to enter this kind of relationship. Its more likely if the other person is also aro, though not impossible if they're allo. And with a QPR you'd definitely have to set the boundaries of the relationship. Personally, I'm in a QPR with an alloromantic, but we've both set our boundaries (she's ace as well) and we're very happy together.

Wow I feel some of this in the form of alterous/platonic attraction towards squishes, but there's parts I've never felt that are the main reason I identify as aromantic. I've felt those butterflies, but always because of something stressing me out, like a presentation or the possibility of being embarrassed in class. I remember that with my first strong squish I had lots of random anxiety from other sources, and I would always try and force myself to attribute it to the squish instead, because I almost kept hoping I had a crush on her rather than something I couldn't name. I did end up being nervous around her, but not in a good way (don't try and force a crush, kids!) With my qpp right now, I do understand the feeling of wanting to be with someone a lot of the time. I don't feel the butterflies or blushing or the whole "two halves of a whole" thing people talk about sometimes, but I do understand feeling better with someone. I think we're two separate people, more like two socks in a pair rather than being incomplete halves, but we just vibe well together so it works. Anyways this is a cool compilation of what a crush is supposed to feel like. Guess I was right in assuming that books described it this way for a reason.

I understand how you feel. I've never had a crush or desired a romantic relationship in the way everyone around me did, but I remember still wishing that I had someone I could depend on in a similar manner, almost to the extent of a romantic relationship but without a lot of the romantic aspects. I've even regretted not being able to feel romantic attraction. I'm in a qpr now, and I'm honestly really happy this way. I've found someone I love, and who still understands that I am aromantic and not looking for certain aspects of a relationship. If you still want partnership without romantic aspects I'd recommend looking into qprs. A lot of it has to do with the boundaries and things that both you and the other person/people would set for the relationship, and if "I would die for you if I had to, but if you wanted to kiss I would run away" is part of that then you could possibly find that in a qpr.

My qpp and I both like board-games, and there's this board-game cafe downtown that I'm thinking of taking her to, so I guess that would be an ideal date? Idk I think in general my ideal date would be spending time with someone in fun settings (roller-skating, games, chilling at home, looking through a bookstore) rather than super intimate settings (I find stuff like candle-lit dinners to be repulsive). It also depends on the person. For instance, there's places I want to go with my current qpp that I did not want to go with my last squish, and there's places I don't want to go with my qpp that I wanted to with my last squish. It's just whatever I'm comfortable with.

I like to think I'm in a sort of "glass closet" situation but honestly I'm scared to come out to new people because I never know how they'll react. I know that 99% of the time they'll need a vocab lesson, but what I don't know is where they'll go from there. Will the accept it? Will they tell me I'm just trying to be special? I don't know, so I usually don't like to tell a lot of people I'm aro. I have, however, told almost all my closer friends, and I've told my brother, because I like making aro jokes all the time.

I guess it depends on the person. I see kissing as romantic, but I love the idea of holding hands or cuddling with someone I'm close with. If you mean romantic as in a situation, then there might be clues here and there that someone likes you (you can google the signs of a crush), and usually their actions might have the ulterior motive of wanting to date. I know I wouldn't be comfortable with touching someone if there was a chance that they liked me that way, not unless we're close already and I'm comfortable with it. So I guess the other people's motives might make a situation romantic?

What I get from this whole thread is communication is key. I'll make sure to talk to her about all this. Thanks everyone for your input! I think it'll go well.

Context: I am aromantic heterosexual, and the girl I want to be in a QPR with is biromantic asexual, and I'm pretty sure she already has a crush on me. We both love each other a lot, but I know that she probably feels some type of romantic feelings for me that I can't reciprocate. She knows I'm aroallo, so she probably hasn't said anything because she knows it would make me uncomfortable. We've both joked around with pet names like "wife" and "zucchini" (I explained what a QPR is) and I think I would be comfortable in a QPR with her. I think we're even already in an unofficial QPR. The thing is, I'm worried a QPR is unfair to her. It'd be the same as our current relationship with the addition of hand-holding and cuddling and stuff like that. I could probably even do a little kissing but it's not what I would initiate. The reasons I'm worried: We literally have opposite orientations (me being aroallo and her being alloace). We have two years left in school together, and then we're probably going to different colleges, and I don't want to deal with the possibility of breaking up. She might feel like she's not getting enough from the relationship; I would probably feel bad for not being able to give it. It's almost impossible for me to be attracted to her in any way other than in the context of a QPR. I think sex seems gross and terrifying, so at least, since she's ace, we don't have to deal with that, but would it be limiting to me? If I'm with a girl and not a guy? Both our parents are homophobic. Even if we tried to explain a QPR I don't think they'd take it well, so we'd have to keep this secret from them. We'd be safe at school and with our friends. My parents are homophobic, but I don't think I'm in danger of getting kicked out or anything. I think they'd just take away my internet and stop letting me hangout with friends, which would absolutely suck. Her parents know she's bi but probably don't want her dating girls yet? Like they've accepted that she's bi but it's still sort of an uncomfortable topic with them.. I really do want a QPR with her and we already love each other a lot. We talk all the time and if it weren't for quarantine we'd probably be hanging out together a lot. I'd love to go on 'dates' with her just to hang out. We've made a playlist with songs that remind us of each other and I find it adorable. Every time I see her face or get a text from her my mood changes for the better so quickly it's unbelievable. I really do love her, and I know she feels the same, I'm just worried about the implications of an official relationship. Do y'all have any advice?