eatingcroutons

Having a real weird moment here realising that one of my absolute favourite songs as a teen is basically an Aro Anthem:

I was gonna quote some lyrics but the entire fucking song is an aro mood

On 10/5/2022 at 3:56 AM, Whirl said:

What is it like being allosexual? What does sexual attraction feel like to you?

Alloaro here. It's pretty common for me to see a person - in real life, in pictures, in a TV show - and based on their physical appearance, want to have sex with them. Even if I don't know them, even if I know them but don't like them, I can still feel sexual attraction based on their physical appearance. 

On 4/20/2022 at 6:32 PM, Max.and.my said:

So I’m a very cuddly person I love hugs and contact with people. I have a friend and I feel asleep on his shoulder. When I woke up all my friends called him a simp I told them I was just tired but they keep shipping us. How do I get them to stop.

Anyone who unironically uses the word "simp" has some deeper issues with how relationships work that they need to sort out, tbh. Especially if they also aren't capable of seeing physical affection as anything but romantic. 

For practical strategies though, I agree with Jedi. If these people are getting a kick out of winding you up, protesting too much is just going to make it more fun for them. 

Extremely ENTP, alloaro.

22 hours ago, mewix said:

I could say i'm not interested and they be like oh only want to be friends. When that isn't true intention. Too many ppl are like this and I know ppl who have overstepped my personal space and made me very uncomfortable even after I literally said i'm not interested in you. They claim to have forgotten xD

Don't tolerate people who ignore your explicitly-stated boundaries, or people who try to push for things you aren't comfortable with. If you've told someone you're not interested, and they've pretended to "forget" what you said and made you uncomfortable, that's a massive red flag that they have no respect for your boundaries.

I've said pretty much all I have to say on this topic here, but I would like to reiterate:

• Arguments that "allo" shouldn't be used as a term because it groups oppressed with oppressors are nonsense. "Cis" as a term groups white people with people of colour, and men with women. Having a word for people who share a particular characteristic does not mean or imply that everyone who shares that characteristic has equivalent privilege.
• Many people have very, very good reasons for not wanting to be identified as "sexual" by others. The adjective "sexual" brings up connotations of objectification, and assumptions of sexual availability, which can can be especially uncomfortable for members of groups that societies already objectify and sexualise.

On 10/10/2021 at 1:16 AM, DeltaV said:

a sizeable minority didn’t get the memo about the “default assumption”…

Well, there is a difference between assuming that any hook-ups that happen in clubs are purely physical, and assuming that everyone in a club is open to hooking up.

On 9/30/2021 at 3:07 AM, RepublicServicesVolunteer said:

It's understandable to feel guilty in this situation -- I don't blame you. HOWEVER: Him being "nice" is only a façade so as to psychologically trick you into thinking he's a good person with good intentions.

? ? ?

Let's take a look at this guy's actual actions, during your first interaction with him:

• When you said said you weren't interested, he continued to pressure you
• When you said you weren't interested a second time, he continued to pressure you
• When you were reluctant to give him your phone number, he forced you to reveal it in a way that couldn't be circumvented 

This isn't a well-meaning nice man, this is a modus operandi. He may have "sounded nice", but this guy has proven definitively by his actions that he has no respect for your comfort or boundaries, only in getting what he wants out of you. You don't owe him, or anyone like him, any politeness or respect.

Ghost him, block his number, make sure you aren't searchable by phone number on any social media platforms, and make sure your WhatsApp profile or anything else tied to your phone number doesn't reveal any more personal information in case he goes looking.

Society teaches women to be polite and respectful no matter how many boundaries men trample over, and that's bullshit. I know it's not always safe or easy to do so, but next time someone tries to pull something like this on you, try just telling them outright, "No, please leave me alone." You may discover very quickly just how "nice" they actually are (so again, only try it if you're in a safe place). But I find that every time you practise enforcing your boundaries like this, it gets easier. You are under no obligation to pretend to like a total stranger who has decided they want something from you. "No, please leave me alone" is a perfectly polite thing to say.

Man, the number of times my current housemate and I ran into "no sharers" clauses when we were looking for rental properties...

We're both adults in our thirties with permanent, full-time jobs; each of us could have afforded the entire rent for most of the places we looked at on our own, let alone together. A couple in our position would have been a shoo-in for anything we were looking at. But as "sharers" we couldn't even apply for half the properties we found. 

On 10/6/2021 at 8:22 AM, roboticanary said:

I suspect my aromanticism might be linked to this since the main thing they seem to be used for is hooking up and to be honest no. Not happening.

Huh, to me a large part of the appeal of nightclubs is hooking up with no expectation of it being for more than one night. Or hell, even just making out with hot strangers. I like them as a place where the default assumption is that any connection is purely physical. 

I fucking love Mika's Elle Me Dit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiHWwKC8WjU

Not strictly an "aro song" but the entire sentiment of it resonates so well with my approach to life. 

The friends I've had semi-regular sex with have included a friend I met when we were undergrads, a friend I met via a sports club, one of my brother's friends from university, a friend I initially met online... basically all the same sorts of places I meet friends generally. It sounds self-evident to say so but the wider your friendship circle, the more likely you are to find people who are interested in and comfortable with casual sex. 

@Nobody do you have a school counsellor or trusted adult outside of your immediate family that you can talk to about this? It would be much better for you to get advice from someone who can help and support you in real life, if you can.

2 hours ago, río said:

im in this weird place where i dont necessarily want  to be in a qpr w her, but if she asked, id 100% say yes. & i dont rlly know what that means.

I think it means you need to spend some more time figuring out what kind of relationship you want with this person. What specific things do you want to do/share with her? What don't you want to do/share with her? Like Erederyn said, try to reflect and be honest with yourself about what you actually want for yourself, before signing up for something you're not sure about.

15 hours ago, Mark said:

Even if it's small, it can still feel uncomfortable subsidising privileged people's lifestyles.

I don't think of it that way. I am genuinely happy for my coworkers who are getting married, and having or adopting kids. I think those things should be celebrated, and I'm happy to contribute to gifts for them. I just wish there were more things that were culturally accepted as things to be universally celebrated in the workplace. Maybe moving or buying a house? Getting promoted? Milestone birthdays?

7 hours ago, nonmerci said:

At work I don't felt pressure in the sense "oh so who are your crush! you have to have one!", but I can feel how the type of life I want is different from the others.

Yeah, this is the main thing for me. That, plus the fact that there are certain Life Events where it's standard practice for everyone in the office to pitch in for a gift and a card, and those are all related to the typical amatonormative life path: Engagement, marriage, childbirth, etc. I have nothing against doing this! I'm just sad that I'm never going to get a present from my colleagues like that ?

On 8/4/2021 at 4:00 AM, nonmerci said:

and that it grouped queer people (bisexual, esbian, gay, etc) with their oppressor (heterosexual)

This argument is disingenuous at best. The words "sexual" and "non-asexual" do exactly the same thing. 

On 8/4/2021 at 4:00 AM, nonmerci said:

the term allosexual should not be used and that we should talk about non-asexual or sexual instead.

"Non-asexual" seems like an overly contrived double negative to me. 

Calling people "sexual" has its own problems. If someone wants to identify that way then sure, more power to them. But as a general label for third parties? Consider the connotations of calling a woman, especially a woman of colour, "sexual" in conversation. It brings up connotations of objectification, and assumptions of sexual availability, none of which are particularly comfortable. "Sexual" comes with multiple meanings and significant cultural baggage. 

Edit: Case in point: I am AFAB, generally present as a woman, and when I tried reading that AVEN thread just now I had to stop because I was extremely skeeved out by people referring to people like me as "sexuals" and "sexual people". I've had far too many bad experiences of people using that sort of language to describe me. 

On 8/4/2021 at 4:00 AM, nonmerci said:

the word isn't useful because wan refer to people by their sexual orientation instead.

My sexual orientation is complicated! But the one thing I can be 100% certain about my sexuality is that I am allo. 

On 8/4/2021 at 4:00 AM, nonmerci said:

it creates a problem with the wors "allosexuel" in Franch that means "queer"

My understanding is that it is one of several terms for queer used in one part of one French-speaking country. The two words developed independently, and any speaker of both French and English will be familiar with the concept of faux amis. So I'm not sure quite what "problem" this creates. 

On 8/4/2021 at 5:34 AM, Aronaut said:

And if I say I am aro, that means I am inclined or at least willing to have sex.

Personally I've had far more instances where if I just say I'm aro, people assume I'm also ace. 

To get to the actual point of this thread: I don't often have occasion to identify as just "allosexual" by itself, but "alloaro" is a very important term to me, which I use all the time - and which explicitly includes my allosexual identity. 

Edit: Sorry the quotes from the OP are out of order here but it's fucking impossible to rearrange them on mobile. 

11 hours ago, cyancat said:

is there a thing as qp attraction??

a qp is more or less what you want out of something. it says nothing about your attraction or sexuality.

Yeah, my understanding is that a "queerplatonic relationship" is not defined by any particular kind of attraction that the people involved may or may not feel. Rather, it's a relationship that is not a romantic relationship, but which the people involved have chosen to call something other than a friendship, because they don't believe "friendship" would accurately describe the relationship either. 

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On 6/18/2021 at 3:02 PM, Kadence said:

I don’t see it talked about too much (I could always juts be looking in the wrong places) but I wanted to hear about the experience of other polyam aros (a little bit cause I’m curious, a little bit to reassure myself that more than two exist).

You may be interested in these results from a survey that went around late last year - there are definitely more of us out here who identify as aro and poly!

I feel like a key commonality between aro and poly attitudes is pushing back against the amatonormative narrative that we must all prioritise a single romantic relationship over all other relationships in our lives. Before I identified as aro I definitely knew I didn't want to be in an exclusive relationship of any kind, and I know at least one other person on Discord who identified as poly before they knew being aro was a thing.

Don't try to soften your response in a way that might give them false hope. You really need to be clear and direct. Far, far too much of society teaches us to treat a "no" as a "try harder", and you don't want to give them an inch that they'll try to run a mile with. Don't make excuses like, "I've got other stuff going on in my life right now." Tell them some variation of, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel the same way and I'm not interested in that kind of relationship with you." Practise some alternative phrasings if it helps! But whatever happens, do not give in to the urge to equivocate.

Something I also find helpful: Tell them that if they need some time to get over their feelings, you'll understand if they need space. But also tell them that if and when they feel comfortable continuing your existing friendship, without expecting anything more, you still care about them as a friend and you'll be there.

On 6/18/2021 at 2:03 AM, Jedi said:

There is limited information here

Yeah, I'm not really sure I can give a good answer based on the OP alone. Some thoughts on the specific points, though:

• "i caught my mom and a guy kissing": To be honest, if it's her house, it's not unreasonable for her to kiss people in it. 
• "she tried to trick me into thinking he had already left like two hours before": This seems like a strange thing to do, unless there's prior history and context, and I'm not sure what to make of it without knowing the prior history and context.
• "she was drinking at the time": Is there a reason you mentioned this? Was it causing some kind of problem in particular?
• "i’ve made it clear how uncomfortable i am with men in the house even if i knew them": As others have said this may be a point where you and your mother need to compromise. Perhaps agree on some ground rules about prior warning when someone's going to be visiting the house, and about areas that are off-limits to guests.
• "she crossed the line": Again I feel like there's prior history and context here that I'm missing. What is the "line" that you agreed on with your mum?

When I was your age I definitely felt the way you do about romance, crushes, and romantic movies - and I now definitely identify as aro. So I think it's really fantastic that you're aware "aromantic" is a thing a person can be. I just felt like a weirdo through most of high school ?

That said, you may "turn out to be" alloromantic, you may not, and both of those things are totally okay! More generally my advice to you would be:

• Regardless of how you identify, your personal boundaries are important and other people should respect them. If you're uncomfortable watching romantic scenes in movies when other people are in the room, that's a boundary you're allowed to enforce, end of story.
• Don't feel pressure to definitively pin down exactly how you feel with a label, if you're not sure what fits you best. You've got plenty of time to explore who you are.
• Conversely: Don't be afraid to identify with a label if you're not 100% sure whether it's "right" for you. I promise you even adults are never 100% sure of anything, and that's fine.
• Likewise: Don't worry about whether you're "[identity] enough" to identify as a given identity. If it feels right to you to identify that way, you're allowed.
• The way you describe yourself now doesn't have to be the way you describe yourself forever. It's fine to identify in the way that makes most sense to you now, without knowing if you'll feel the same way forever.

I'm not sure what kind of "advice" exactly you're looking for but I hope that helps...!

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