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  1. 16 points
    Alternatively, assumed you were bi or pan because you felt equally towards all genders.
  2. 15 points
    You might be aromantic if when you think about marriage you don't imagen who you will get married to, but other things instead e.g. getting to wear nice clothes, how nice the food will be, having the opportunity for a big family get together You might be aromantic if when people look down on marrying for visas, marrying for tax breaks, etc. you wonder why they do because those sound like very practical reasons to get married
  3. 14 points
    I posted this on reddit yesterday and figured hey, why not post it here too? This isn't a call to action or anything, I'm was just excited about all the little discoveries about myself I've been making in the past three or four months, and I wanted to write them down somewhere. If yall have anything like this-- something that realizing you're aro brought to light-- then I'd love to hear your stories too! I learned why I'm really picky about what kind of romance I like to read. I like reading about couples if their platonic or physical relationships are interesting, because as an aroallo I can empathize with and relate to both platonic and physical attraction. If a couple doesn't have either of those, blup bee doo they're boring. Gimme something with enemies forced to work together, or queer historical fiction where they're not allowed to find each other attractive (but they dooooooo). I learned what my crushes really were, and that they weren't really fueled by romantic attraction. I just wanted to feel like I was part of the crowd, and "having a crush on someone" was a way to get other people's positive attention. My favorite part of crushes was gossiping with other people, not actually, yknow, experiencing the crush. I always had to make myself do that part. I felt genuine giddy crush-like excitement whenever I "had" a crush, but it was never because of the person, it was always because of the context. Looking back it's so clear, but I really had no idea for so long. I learned why my past relationships didn't work. They were built on platonic and physical attraction only, nothing else. One case fell apart when I realized the guy wasn't as cool as I thought he was, and the platonic attraction faded away. One was built on dependent platonic attraction on my part, and I didn't realize how unhealthy it was until they ended it. And it feels really freeing to finally have a reason why things fell apart, and to know that it wasn't just because I was a bad person. I wasn't a bad person. And I'm not a bad person. Ooh ooh I learned why I hate reading the trope of "character who's determined not to fall in love at the beginning of the story" and just knowing that by the end they'll have found someone ~special~ enough to make them want a relationship-- because I start off relating to the character and end up feeling completely distanced. It's infuriating!! I look back at almost every single character I've written and I see bits and pieces of my aroallo identity scattered around. I knew who I was all along, even if I didn't have the words for it or the self-worth to realize it about myself. Everything I've felt comfortable writing about is everything I would feel comfortable having for myself. And sometimes when I doubt my aromanticism, looking back at all this stuff reminds me that this is my truth.
  4. 14 points
    I would say it definitely affects the experience of aromanticism differently, or at least the experience of the aromantic community. I've noticed that allosexual aros, myself included, tend to have a more prolonged questioning period than most aroaces even after exposure to LGBTQ+ communities, because aromanticism isn't often talked about outside of asexuality. Aromanticism is still thought to go hand-in-hand with asexuality in many ways, and aro resources communities, or pride-related things are often included as a part of ace things, which can feel isolating to allo aros. (One example I recently saw: A Picrew, aka doll maker, that included pride pins. Some were combos, and although there was a combo pin with the aro and ace flags, there were no combos for the aro flag with any sexual orientation other than ace, which made me feel very left out and like I had to "choose" between my aromanticism and my bisexuality when aroaces did not. Even if it's something as trivial as a dollmaker, little things like this can really add up.) The prejudices we deal with from outside are different, too. Aroaces are more likely to be thought of as being naive, child-like, "innocent", or completely detached from all emotion, while allo aros are more likely to be thought of as predatory, perverted, manipulative, slutty, or just making excuses in order to use others- Even by people who might have no awareness of someone's sexual history, or if they even HAVE a sexual history at all.
  5. 14 points
    If you have thought your squishes were crushes or have had to make up crushes to fit in.
  6. 13 points
    I would like to see an allo aro character who's romance repulsed. One thing that both aroaces and allo-allos don't get is that sex is so heavily tied to romance that if you're not willing to at least perform romance for someone else's benefit, you're going to have a really hard time with any sexual relationships. How do you even find sexual relationships without first dating someone romantically, if you're not someone who's interested in the usual things like nightclubs or dating apps? Or, let's say you are open to those things. How do you sort out the people who are willing to have a no-strings-attached sexual relationship from the people who expect it to develop into something """more"""? What do you do when your partner """catches feelings""" and it's seen as your responsibility and your fault, and you're expected to reciprocate out of obligation? What do you do when they spread rumors about you being a bitch for refusing to date them, even when you both agreed at the start of your relationship that it was going to be purely sexual? What do you do when your partner wants to kiss you, or call you pet names? How do you find smut you can enjoy reading, when the best written stuff always ends in an "I love you for real"? So many people think being allo aro is as simple as "Well you just have casual sex". It's not, especially if you're romance repulsed. And sometimes I see people treat us as like, Alloromantic Lite- Basically the "aro" part ends at "well they don't have a long-term partner", without thinking about how our lack of romantic attraction affects our lives. I'm sure you understand how much it hurts to live in a romantic society as an aromantic, right? That happens to a lot of us, too. Sure, some aros might be romance-favorable, but we're not necessarily totally unfazed by the existence of romance just because maybe we're ok with kissing sometimes.
  7. 13 points
    You might be aro if you mistook sexual, aesthetic or sensual attraction for a crush. You might be aro if you thought romantic feelings described by others must be exaggerated. You might be aro if you never notice when someone has a crush on you, unless someone points it out to you. You might be aro if you broke somebody's heart by accident, even without realizing it, simply because you underestimated the intensity of their feelings. You might be aro if you felt suffocated and overwhelmed in a romantic relationship. You might be aro if the pet names people gave to their partners, always felt artificial and ridiculous to you.
  8. 12 points
    I have no villainous schemes but I do have memes!
  9. 12 points
    More specifically, I'm reading Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality by Hanne Blank. As the author points out time and again, you can't understand sexuality without looking at heterosexuality and what the so-called "standard" was considered to be, so I took a chance and borrowed the e-book. Even then, I never expected to find vindication in the written form! It's been a wonderful read all around so far. Just tonight, I got so excited when I reached "Chapter 4: The Marrying Type" and came across this paragraph that had me SCREAMING (emphasis my own): "As difficult as it may be for us to believe today, particularly if we have had the seemingly involuntary, overwhelming experience of "falling in love," anthropological and historical evidence both suggest that falling in love is not actually something human beings are hard-wired to do but a behavior pattern that is learned. In cultures where there is no significant cultural pattern of experiencing romantic love, most people do not. Such a pattern did ultimately develop in the West, but for most of our history it was not part of the everyday experience of the average person." The book was published in 2012 and makes no overt references to asexuality or aromanticism as of yet, but I got! so!! pumped!!! And wanted to share this quote somewhere. I will definitely be doing some digging into any references I can find to see what research in anthropology and history Blank has based this paragraph on. What does everyone else think?
  10. 11 points
    I've always struggled really hard with telling close people "I love you"-- I can tell my friends "I love you" just fine, but once I get closer to someone, this wall just comes up and I can't say it. I even struggle to say it to my family. I have a close friend with whom I have a sort of unofficial QPR (we're strictly non-romantic, she's not looking for a relationship and she knows I identify as aro, but we're still good close friends and we can cross non-platonic boundaries comfortably), and for a while I kept wanting to tell her "I love you", like I do to my other friends. But I didn't want to give her a mixed signal-- telling "her oh, hey, I'm aromantic and I don't want a relationship, and also, I love you!!!" So I couldn't tell her, and it felt kind of bad because I tell my other friends I love them all the time, and she's a really good friend so I wanted to give her that kind of love too, but I was too scared. Anyway the other day we were talking about a coworker's recent marriage and chatting about marriage in general and she said something like "I think I'd only get married for tax purposes honestly" and I just said "Oh my god, I love you so much right now," and she went one one knee and said "..... for tax purposes?" It was just so great, and I'm happy that now I've gotten past that barrier and I can give her the same kind of love I give the rest of my friends! Bwaaah!
  11. 11 points
    I'm feeling a bit adrift at the moment. Maybe you fellow aros can help me. Sorry if it's coming of as a bit of a rant. Feel free to comment about relating experiences, it doesn't have to be about my own personal musings. Ever since I moved away from my parents home, ten years ago, I've lived this kind of temporary life where everything I did was somewhat fleeting. Whatever I did it was always in my mind that it wouldn't last, college, the places I lived, my first job, my second job. I was always looking forward, feeling like the present was a preparation, a saving up for the future where my ideal life could begin. That's not to say I've not been happy. I've mostly enjoyed myself and I feel proud about how much I've accomplished. But now, when I'm close to thirty, I feel like I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to feel like I'm settled. For most people this would correspond to finding a partner and having kids, but I don't want either. When I try to imagine my ideal living situation it's some sort of communal living with a group of people. Preferably with a mission of some kind to promote community building and sustainability. But it's not like such a group is readily available. I've been trying to connect to different organizations to find like minded people but it's hard to know how to seek people out for such a big thing. I also feel like I'm afraid of actually trying to make such a thing happen for real. Because when it's in your mind it can be perfect. Does anyone struggle with similar feelings, wanting to settle down but being unsure about how?
  12. 11 points
    Dated someone because you felt like you were supposed to.
  13. 10 points
    this one is such a mood.
  14. 10 points
    I think no action are romantic or platonic on itself. It is the intent behind it that is, the feelings. It changes the way we perceive things.
  15. 10 points
    ...With all due respect, I would... Possibly avoid trying to give advice on how to write bi aros if you've never felt attraction. I know you mean well, but I would say that's not really accurate to the experience. That being said, here are some ways my bisexuality and my aromanticism affect each other: -Because I don't experience romantic attraction, I often struggle to relate to other bi folks, and avoid larger LGBTQ events or resources unless they make it very, explicitly clear that they're welcoming to aros, which few do. However, because I do experience sexual attraction, I often feel disconnected from the aro community as well, as there is a large emphasis on aroaces + lack of attraciton in general. Still, there's a lot I do relate to in both communities, and both are important aspects of my identity. -Weirdly enough, I find I'm actually more selective about personality when it comes to interest in folks? Like... I've noticed that alloromantic folks tend to develop crushes and then just kind of, go with it even if the person isn't terribly compatible with them, for some reason. With me I'm like, yeah he's hot, but his taste in anime? Horrible. 0/10 would not bang -I tend to be affected very negatively by the intersection of aro and bi stereotypes. "Heartless, manipulative player who doesn't care about anyone and uses people for sex" is a stereotype that's very commonly associated with both bisexuals and aromantics, and pushback against these stereotypes from both communities can, unfortunately, often result in throwing actual bi aros under the bus. It's very easy to feel like you're a traitor to your orientation by just being yourself, which can be hard to deal with. -Despite the stereotype that allo aros have lots of sex, and the stereotype that bis have "more to choose from" or whatever, for a lot of allo aros it's actually very difficult to access sex. If you're romance repulsed, not the sort of person who likes parties or bars, and don't use hookup apps, there's really very little opportunity for sexual encounters, and a lot of allo aros have never had sex at all even at ages when most other allosexual folks would have. Many allo aros also are extremely selective about who they hook up with, for fear of the possibility of their partner """""catching feelings""""" and then blaming them for not reciprocating- Even when a relationship is explicitly agreed to be only sexual, not romantic, there's still sort of a societal expectation that if one party changes their mind, the other party has some obligation to accept this. -Sexual attraction to men and women can feel different, and some bi folks may be attracted to one gender more than the other. Without romantic attraction, aesthetics may play a larger role- And I don't mean if someone's "ugly" or "hot", I literally mean aesthetics. I tend to be attracted more to women because women are generally more creative in how they express themselves aesthetically, whereas dudes in general kind of fluctuate between "t-shirt and jeans" and "blazer and button-up" which is a pretty boring range of looks, and I'm just too dramatic for that. I don't care what your face looks like but if you have the same haircut as 70 other guys at my school I'm probably not all that interested, hon -The constant struggle between bi purple and aro green vs. the knowledge that people see purple and green paired in a pride context and assume it means aroace... -Fictional characters are often more attractive than real people, because there's just so much less trouble involved. A cute girl might fall in love with me, or ditch me for a romantic partner, but Mai Valentine and her hot motorcycle have never and will never do me wrong 🤝 -When you're young it can be easy to mistake sexual attraction for romantic attraction, or to start dating someone because you feel like it's what you're "supposed" to do. This can lead to a lot of discomfort if romance repulsion arises, and, eventually, possibly messy breakups. There may be a long period of time between realizing you don't love someone and actually breaking up with them, either due to fear of negative consequences for not doing the "socially correct" thing by having a partner, or due to hope that you might develop romantic feelings eventually.
  16. 10 points
    I think we need both. We absolutely do need ace spaces to become more inclusive of aros, but we need aro-specific spaces as well. The other, perhaps more pressing matter, is that we need everything labeled as "ace and aro" to show that it's not just a name. Sure, anyone can slap "and aro" onto a title- But will they make space for romance-repulsed folks? Will they make space for allosexual aros to talk about our sexualities? Will they actually do anything to welcome aros, or is it an ace space in all but name? In an ideal world where both orientations are treated with equal respect, as an allo aro I might actually feel totally comfortable with "ace and aro" events and such. But as it is, I tend to distrust them unless they do something to outright state that they are welcoming to allo aros, because I can never tell if something is genuinely by and for aros (and by that I mean, not just aroaces who exclusively interact with the ace community), or if it's just an ace group that changed their name for the sake of keeping up appearances and pretending to be inclusive without actually trying.
  17. 10 points
    Hi and happy new year everybody! So, I got the feeling that we focus too much on aro inclusion in ace places. Which have sense considering that aro and ace has been tied together since the creation of ace community... but seems damaging too. For instance, people here saying they didn't realize they are aro because they thought you have to be ace : except for heterosexual aro (I don't think there exist hetero places like LGBT places?), learning about aromanticism on gay, bi, pan, transgenres, etc places would have help them a lot. Also, aro would feel more safe in LGBT communities, and it would help aro awareness more. But I don't know how to do that. I am not personnaly involved in queer places except arocalypse. I can't picture myself go on a LGBT community and say "hi! We exist!". I don't feel legitimate. I think AUREA must have a role here. So, what I'm trying to say is : we should stop to focus so much on the ace communities and look for other places too. 2020 will be the aro year!
  18. 10 points
    Very early aromantic moment, but when I was nine or so, I would always hang out with one boy in my class after school, and one time he asked me if I loved anyone (and was expecting me to say that I loved him), but I said “Yeah, I love my dad a lot”.
  19. 10 points
    Assumed you were straight, and then realized you felt nothing towards any gender.
  20. 9 points
    This is an attempt to form a megathread, a union of the aroaces across this site. Come here to chat, to share your experiences, send memes, and plot your villainous schemes while the others are busy falling in love/having sex. With this, the alien invasion can truly begin, MWAHAHA! On a more serious note, a discussion about aromanticism in relation to asexuality made me realize we do not have a dedicated space to talk about our own experiences, so I'm making one! Feel free to talk about anything you want here. Aroallos and others are welcome as well!
  21. 9 points
    I would like to personally challenge my non-aro ace friends to stop thinking that I, a non-ace aro, am like them and share their interests. I don't understand, they know I'm not ace?? And you'd think bc of their orientations they'd know that aro and ace aren't the same thing and yet?? No, I will write sex in my fiction thank you very much. No, strangely when I was brainstorming what word to put on the back of my jean jacket "ACE" didn't make the list. No, the ace pin you bought me isn't a good gift and no matter how embarrassed you are rn blurting "its close enough" doesn't work in your defence. Like?? I get that they want to share shit and relate to me, we're friends. And I get that despite being able to feel romantic attraction none of them are really all that involved in romance atm so I guess they conflate the two in their minds, but also, why do I have to go through this. Think for a second? Stop including me in your ace shit? Its funny, but you never include anyone else in the group who isn't ace in these ace-centric thoughts. Fuck the look on their faces every time, they catch themselves before I've even said anything and realise the mistake they've made. Yeah, you forgot my identity again. Nice job. This post sounds so bitter and that's bc its a rant lmao, my friends are great otherwise. It is ironic tho that all my queer allo friends are better with my aro identity than my ace friends.
  22. 9 points
  23. 9 points
    Definitely. I'm very loyal to my friends and I don't like the idea that someday I could become second tier just because someone else is willing to kiss them or whatever. To me, a friendship is a commitment, and I'm always willing to go out of my way to support friends if they need it.
  24. 9 points
    There's a lot of cooperation between aro and ace activists, initiatives, orgs. There's also hostility in some aro and ace spaces, which is usually aimed at one identity. So it can be aimed at aces, at aros, at alloaros or at alloaces, maybe to a lesser degree at aroaces (they deal with being caught in the crossfire of aces vs aros antagonisms instead), but that happens too. There's a lot of hurt and bitterness, and the communities are linked (by people, by history), and it creates tensions, because we have our differences. Some people would like to be separate - alloaces were vocal about asexuality not always going together with aromanticism, now alloaros are starting to be more vocal about the differences and not wanting to associate with aces. This creates an identity split in some places - it's aros against aces, aces against aros and everyone with the same label gets thrown into the same bag. That leads to divisions, because we have our differences, but what the "aros this", "aces that" actually achieve? Hurt, alienation, helplessness..? Cool, very constructive, we'll go far on this. This split also creates an allosexual vs ace division in the aro community, which puts non-sam aros and greyaces in a weird vacuum. Say an aro person is angry at an ace person for doing something a bit insensitive. We create anger and guilt, and people who are feeling guilty don't make good progress for a cause, because they don't want to actually do it, they feel shitty, they burn out. And if someone feels wrongly accused, they're probably not going to listen to the points another person is making anyway. There will be assholes everywhere, and it's important to correct them, stand up to their assholery, or not give support to their harmful behaviors, because it's impossible to get rid of them all. They can't take over the conversations and narrations though, because that just leads to toxic communities. That was a rather large introduction, but: aros who act acepobic. They're there and we need to address this problem. For the last few years we've been steeping in acephobia (exclusionist crusades on tumblr and other social media) and we're not immune. The way our communities are linked creates strong and contradictory feelings. They're our strongest allies and we want them to remain so, we're grateful, but there's also jealousy - they're bigger, more visible, have more resources, people often ignore aromanticism when it's paired with asexuality. There have been instances of aros invalidating, diminishing ace people's struggles, when we get so angry when it's in reverse. There were aros saying that if you're asexual or you define your relationship as nonsexual, you're oversharing about your sex life - "you're asexual, so what, no one needs to know about your sex life" is a common acephobic talking point. There are aros taking a thing one ace person said, generalizing it to all aces. They were dismissive of things an ace person said on the basis of their asexuality. Any disagreement with an aro person by an ace person was treated as an example of arophobia, instead of someone else's opinion. "Aces are less oppressed than aros" is... an argument, suddenly (please, this really isn't oppression olympics). Ace people can be treated as if they have privilege..?? There's this mentality that if your group (aros) is more oppressed on average, it's impossible really do harm to a person from a group that is less oppressed. (No, I'm not getting into who and why and how is more oppressed, pls do me a favor and don't start that topic on this thread.) I think we need to realize that some aro spaces are getting acephobic, realize that there's potential in aros to be acephobic, and try to combat that, so that we're like you know, decent humans, and don't start alienating aroaces who identify strongly with their asexuality.
  25. 9 points
    I wrote an aromantic poem. I dont consider myself a very creative person and this is the first poem I've ever written but I wanted to write it to convey some of my feelings. Anyway, here it is: Space Aro I feel lost. Like an astronaught drifting through space. All I can see are spaceships. But I am floating in the endless void. I don't have a spaceship. I can't experience the wonders of stars. Am I destined to stray like this forever? Alone. Or will a comet streak across the sky? Answers will only come with time. Only then will my planet arrive.
  26. 9 points
    Ask her. Does she want to be in one? How important to her is romance? Can she be in a QPR and have a romantic partner, or do you want this to be her only partnership of any variety? We can't read her mind. Alloromantic folks are not all identical in their desires, and not every QPR is the same by far. If you don't know how she would feel about something, ask her.
  27. 9 points
    That person would be me. Hello! I definitely do recognize that allo aros need to be careful not to repeat acephobic rhetoric, and some people are... worse about that than others. 🙄 It's something I've been trying to keep in mind lately. That being said, I definitely agree that aces also need to recognize the line between "this is genuine acephobia and I should ask this person not to talk like that" and "This person is angry about legitimate injustices done to them and I Am Feel Uncomfortable When We Are Not About Me so I'm gonna tone police them". It definitely is a very difficult line to identify though. Allo aros need to be allowed to express frustration with the way the ace community treats us, and we need our frustration to be respected regardless of if we're being "polite"- But we also need to be very, VERY careful that we do not express this frustration via straight up repeating acephobic rhetoric, in the same way that aces need to be careful that they don't express their frustration via repeating homophobic rhetoric. It's a very difficult line to navigate for both parties. But it absolutely needs to be navigated.
  28. 9 points
    I understand that, like, we've been told all our lives that the ultimate goal is marriage and kids, which I do not want. So, how do either of us proceed? I'm thinking of having like a close friend that I can live with but that also wont leave me for a romantic partner. Thats hard to find though.
  29. 9 points
    I'll pop in just to say that if we are attacking a-spec flags with black triangles on the basis of Nazi imagery, we should also be attacking the flags of the following nations for having Nazi symbolism: The Bahamas (black triangle), South Africa (black triangle), Jamaica (two black triangles). The fact that people are not complaining about triangle imagery on nation flags (or even in the Queer Chevron, whose design contains downward-facing triangles, closer in design to Nazi imagery; or even in the Lesbian Labrys flag which literally has a downward-facing black triangle), but only on a-spec flags, is telling. Again, like Coyote said, this criticism is nothing new and unfortunately not something that really holds up. Queer and LGBTQ+ groups fly the triangle demi flags and some queer/LGBTQ+ people have even reclaimed the downward-facing triangle imagery entirely. Suppressing these things is not the answer, never has been, and never will be. It has always been an attempt to mask exclusion and violence with false accusations of appropriation.
  30. 9 points
    I'm sure this is well-intentioned, but at this point I'm pretty tired of flag redesigns. Especially on grounds like these. Here's what that Wikipedia page says about it: "The black triangle was a badge used in Nazi concentration camps to mark prisoners regarded 'anti-social' and 'arbeitsscheu' (work-shy). Those considered anti-social included alcoholics, homeless, beggars, nomads, and prostitutes. Women deemed to be anti-social included prostitution, nonconformists, and lesbians." So "against lesbians" is accurate but also a pretty big oversimplification. It's also.... not even oriented the same way. It's just a triangle. That's just a basic design element. It's not like it's something as distinct as a swastika or a symbol of Venus. Anyway, I think it's important for the aro community to be aware that people have been attacking aces' use of triangles since at least 2011. This is kind of criticism is nothing new.
  31. 9 points
    Hi @TripleA. I will say this bluntly because I'm not sure you've understood where others who have said this are coming from. You've formed your opinion based on information that is outdated, incomplete, and/or not representative of the community. The aro community has discussed this many times. It is fact that within the aro community, the word "aromantic" has two meanings: Experiencing no romantic attraction ever, at all, zero times (the definition you're familiar with) An umbrella term for people who do not experience romance or romantic attraction in the ways conventionally put forth by society, whether this is in terms of how often the attraction is felt, the circumstances behind the feeling, or the behaviours connected with the feeling Identities are never fixed because human beings are fluid. Identity terminology, especially orientation terminology, is descriptive and not prescriptive. X-sexual or X-romantic indicate tendencies toward whatever fills the X slot. They do not indicate a rule that, upon being broken, can no longer be used as an identifier. A person who is heterosexual that had one crush on someone of their same gender but had 20+ crushes on people of their opposite are not necessarily bisexual because of one experience. For some people, the exception does change the rule, because the person and their identity have changed. For others, the exception does not change the rule; it's an exception because human beings aren't robots bound to identifiers and If/Then statements. If someone says they are aromantic and they have experienced romantic attraction before, you have no right to be saying "Yeah, but if that was me, I wouldn't use the label aromantic." Perhaps that's how you define aromanticism for yourself, and that is fine, but you cannot say "Oh everyone is valid" and then proceed to tell those people that they are wrong. You draw the line between aro and alloro for yourself in a particular way. You should not say that this line is the correct line or should be the correct line. The aro community as a whole welcomes anyone who fundamentally feels that they belong in this community, because chances are, regardless of how many times someone has felt romantic attraction in their life, if they are feeling alienated from alloromantics or from typical romantic narratives, they feel they belong in the aro community. We as a community don't believe that we should define a line for everyone. At least that's what I've noticed about inclusive queer communities in general. We don't define the line. What we do is provide examples of others' experiences with drawing the line so that questioning folks can decide where their line is and whether they identify with our community. It is true that some grey and demi folks, for example, don't view themselves as being part of the aro community. Sometimes they feel they fit better in the alloro community, sometimes in neither or in-between. Ultimately, identity is relative and completely personal. Words and categories of identity never have hard lines and boxes. It's impossible. Even in sciences where we think lines and categories are very clear, you'll find that nature is not that easy to put in a box. Language is always approximation. And when feelings are involved, there is no aromantic experience that is shared by everyone in the exact same way, even for the aros who fit definition 1. Fact is, drawing a line between aro and alloro, and placing greyros, on an expansive scale is prescriptive and will never be correct. It's impossible. Lines and categories for things are always arbitrary, because nature is not and never will be black and white. TL;DR: Labels are not for other people to categorize someone, they are for someone to sit themselves in relation to others. People are getting frustrated with you because you seem like you are trying to pass your opinion off as more correct than others', since, to you, it is. You can't be correct because no one can be correct, because the aro community is not trying to define an aro/alloro line on a large scale. Having conversations about this is unproductive and only serves to make some people feel excluded.
  32. 9 points
    Bruh. I’m probably one of the most stereotypical no-romance-ever aromantics, and honestly, I think this is pretty rude. Why shouldn’t arospec folks be included in our flag? They’re aro too. It’s called aro-spec, not some-attraction-sometimes-spec. Why are you so determined to separate yourself from them? Why does being inclusive of our arospec siblings upset you so much? If you feel so threatened by the thought of one single stripe out of five on the flag having something to do with arospecs, that’s a you problem. Now sit down and stop being exclusionary, because that attitude is NOT what this community is about.
  33. 9 points
    When people talk about heartbreak I tend to think about ways that past friends have broken my heart. I don't think that it has to be romantic for it to be heartbreak.
  34. 8 points
    Agreed about identity politics and "humanity" playing a lot into it. Romance is everywhere in a way that sex isn't. Hell, think about this: One of the nastiest ways asexuals are often treated is infantilization, where they're compared to children because they- like children, supposedly- aren't interested in sex. But kids are still people, right? After all, even kids fall in love. Everyone knows tales of puppy love, of the childhood friends who have been together for as long as they can remember... But who doesn't want romance? Well... In the eyes of society, no one, not even kids. Which isn't to say that the infantilization of asexuals isn't mega fucked up, but the point is, alloromantic aces hit closer to the target for "considered emotionally human" than aros do. It also largely has to do with the fact that the queer community at large is used to being able to just tack "-sexual" onto any word and there you've got your orientation. God forbid people acknowledge that sex without romance is a thing, right? Or that attraction is nuanced, and sex and romance aren't a package deal? EDIT: Also, if you want to help with this issue and show support for allo aros, I strongly advise NOT putting things on your pinterest that include every flag other than the aro flag, and definitely posting things that do include the aro flag. Try reaching out to artists and asking them to include the aro flag, too.
  35. 8 points
    Doing a report on aromanticism for a school, and I need responses for a survey here! It shouldn't take too long to complete, it has sections on demographics, community interaction and arophobia (that section isnt compulsory if you're not comfortable answering those questions). Thank you!
  36. 8 points
    AUREA was founded independently of the forums and combining them isn't possible right now. We're however talking to other groups about how to save the forums if no one takes over the responsibilities of Phoenix by March 29th.
  37. 8 points
    Just wanted to thank you, @Blue Phoenix Ace, for doing the work of hosting and managing these forums for as long as you have! < 3 I wish I'd found this place sooner, but I'm glad I got a short time here, at least.
  38. 8 points
    This is a really interesting topic, actually. I'm going to focus mainly on 1-to-1 empathy with someone who isn't your partner. I don't think we lack empathy for allos in general, I think it has to do with us practicing empathy on a regular basis. I think it has to do a lot with who we surrounded ourselves with how they interacted with us. I can only talk about myself here, so that's what I'll do: I was always the friend (and am, still, honestly) that gets approached when someone needs romantic advice. Why? Beats me. I'm a neutral party, mostly, and I've made my mistakes. I guess I look at relationships on a "platonic" level the same way I look at "romantic" relationships. I put the needs on the same plane, and often I don't consider particular romantic/sexual aspects of a relationship as observing one as a whole. Empathy is something we lose if we don't practice it. I've been lucky enough to have the interpersonal connections around me to know how to empathize. The people who are confiding in you (or in a group) are looking not just for sympathy, but understanding. It's okay if you can't relate, it's okay if you don't understand. There is something powerful in standing in the rain with someone. It forces you to be vulnerable, and while that is a beautiful and scary thing, that is something I think everyone can relate to wanting and needing. Granted, I'm used to empathizing with allos in this way, so if that's something some people struggle with, here are a few things I've picked up: Admit you don't always know. We don't know what it's fully like to be alloromantic! The nuances of romanticism may not click for us (or maybe it does! I'm not your parent!) The most simplistic phrase you can adopt is "wow, that's really hard. I can't imagine what that's like." You don't have to explain why, but it's really validating for people expressing their concerns to know that what they're going through is hard. They're coming to you! They've picked you! Find comfort in knowing they trust you for this, be it in person, online, or on a forum. People have come here seeking advice or an ear, let's try to do that. It's not just about the content. If the thing they are telling you about triggers you, that's different, but if this is something you can bear you don't have to focus entirely on the details. This is someone trying to share their story with you, and reach out in a way so many of us forget to. Try to keep that in the back of your head while someone is talking to you about a frustration. Still, Listen. More than anything, empathizing with someone involves active listening. Show that you're still interested. Try to repeat back what's going on. "So Dave dancing with Daniel bothered you since you both are dating?" These things might seem trivial to us, but they matter to whoever is talking to you. It also might help explain some things you don't understand, without taking away from the story telling aspect. "So let me get this straight, your partner is asking ____ and you need ____?" If in person, or over the phone, listen to their tones. Listen to their hurt, their anger, their grief. Watch their facial expressions, if you can. Often we can mirror these expressions without thinking. We mirror things such as posture and hand gestures and that in itself invokes empathy. Focus on the interpersonal. There's always an angle you can poke for in relationships. If you can't understand the desires for romanticism, you can certainly understand the want for honestly, responsibility, authenticity, and vocality. Does this couple communicate well? How have you had trouble communicating in the past? I can't imagine someone who's never had an issue with communication before. You can relate back to yourself without making it about you! "I know it's so frustrating when people get mad at you for not reading their minds. I'm so sorry that's been eating at you." If there truly is nothing comparable, always make that known. "I can't relate to how troubling that must be, but I can tell you're hurting and I'm okay listening as long as you need me to, and if you don't want to talk I'm here anyways." I find that offering a second, concrete way to help is often so appreciated. Not just a "I'm here if you need me." but a "I can go on a walk with you or bring food/entertainment/myself over and we don't have to talk about it at all." goes a long way, especially for friends dealing with heartbreak. Reminder that I'm just a college student without a degree. I don't know everything! This is just what I found helps. Let me know if this is helpful. 😃
  39. 8 points
    Yeah, I think we'll likely lack some degree of empathy in this context almost by definition. Empathy means literally something like "feeling in/into"; it implies to me some kind of resonance of your feelings with the feelings of the person you're empathising with. Whatever "resonance" an aromantic can generate for the feeling of romantic heartbreak is never going to be as accurate as what an allo-romantic empathiser can generate here, so we'll always fall short in terms of "raw" empathy, IMO. We might be able to compensate in other ways? But I think it means we need to be extra careful when responding to allo-romantics, as we're more likely to make mistakes because our empathy "machinery" won't be well calibrated in this context. I think I've made mistakes because of this in the past. I've tried to apologise where I thought I did; but I'm personally not super proud of everything I've ever written here in response to allo-romantics.
  40. 8 points
    Hi, I designed this flag. Please DO NOT start using it to represent all aromantics. It was made to represent allo aros for a reason. Please do not go twisting the meaning of a flag that was meant for a specific group.
  41. 8 points
    Ah, alas, you've missed my point. I think this may be something you have to sit with over time and read over for yourself. You are very stuck on rigid definitions and specification. Just because you don't relate to some people, doesn't mean the term doesn't include them. You don't have to understand it to respect it. I first joined the aromantic community because I fit in definition 1 of aromantic: not experiencing romantic attraction at all. When I talked to other people like me about what they defined as romantic attraction, I got many different answers. For some, how I described my affectionate feelings for people seemed like romantic attraction. For others, my affectionate feelings were nowhere close to how they saw romantic attraction. When I talked to alloromantics, it was the same thing. I got answers from different places. My point is that feelings are very subjective and because people interpret the definition differently, they draw the line between aro and alloro in different places. We don't feel feelings in the same way; we have no way of knowing what another person's experience with attraction is like. Therefore, we cannot make judgements. We can attempt to, but it's very easy to misinterpret and put our own biases onto things based on how we define romance. All that to say, I'll point out that you may not relate to all other aromantics who experience 0 romantic attraction perfectly. Who, out of all of you, is the "proper aromantic" then? (This is a rhetorical question. But my saying this is to point out this is where your logic leads. That's why I and many others are reading your additions with eyebrows raised.) Yes... Many people do. I'd encourage you to read some older queer publications. I will point out there exists a not-very-popular term for definition 1 of aromantic that puts it under the broader definition 2 umbrella. Apothiromantic comes to mind, for example. Terms are in limbo right now in the community, though. Which one is most popular is sometimes just arbitrary. One word can have different definitions based on different contexts. Honestly, if no-attraction aromantics want their own flag, they can make one. They have to acknowledge, though, that if they do, they can't parade it around as "the real aromantic community." That's... I don't know how to tell you that that's just plain elitist. The aromantic community made a decision at its outset to include people who are "elsewhere on the spectrum" (i.e., not right at the end, experiencing 0 romantic attraction and having 0 interest in it, etc.). This mirrors other queer communities. The point is that a person who feels like this community is "close enough" will have relief and resources and acceptance so that they are not ostracized by society. If we kick those people out, if we gatekeep them and exclude them from the community, they don't belong anywhere. Queer communities exist precisely for the people who feels they don't belong in normative society. The aro community isn't a exclusive club. Saying "you're not queer enough" ("you're not aromantic enough") is a great way of making sure we're perpetuating the very thing queer people fight against in society. Worrying about "being invaded by not real aromantics" is not productive and not realistic, because the likelihood of people pretending to be aromantic just for funsies, just for attention, just for resources, is really low. Non-queer people just don't pretend to be queer. Non-aros don't pretend to be aro. There is more benefit to fit in with society, and greater risk to try to fit in with a group for a small resource reward that honestly isn't that nefarious. Using the end case, the "aromantic" label, is arbitrary and honestly follows the conventions of other queer communities. Though, there are some discussions about what we should use as the umbrella term in other threads too, because some people don't seem to like how arbitrary the name is. As far as I'm concerned, the name is the simplest and most non-nuanced extreme case that is helpful to explain to people who know nothing about the concept at all.
  42. 8 points
    my lecture focused on queer theory today, and during discussion, i threw in a casual reference to romantic orientation by saying "cisgender, heterosexual, and heteroromantic". i also included a line about my aromanticism in the brief reflection we had to hand in. just sneaking stuff in there.
  43. 8 points
    (My thought process every other day 😂) Source: arohumor.tumblr.com I like this thread, good one!
  44. 8 points
  45. 8 points
    You had a crush on someone, though! (As lots of aros make up crushes or were just simply confusing them with squishes like me) But you watched a rom com the other day/romantic book etc.
  46. 8 points
    YMBAI you are on this website and reading all (or some) of these things and nodding your head or smiling because you relate.
  47. 8 points
    YMBAI you decided as a child that you needed to "find" a crush, because everyone else had them, so you just picked the nicest boy/girl in your class and became truly convinced that you actually had a crush on them.
  48. 8 points
    me: *is happy* all of my family: "so who's the lucky lady?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  49. 7 points
    Every time I see a cheesy, cliche, or badly written love story in movies and am torn between constant facepalming and trying not to fall asleep. And then some of my alloromantic friends keep going on about how cute the story is and I am just so confused sometimes.
  50. 7 points
    You should have seen me when I was grading the first wave of undergraduate papers for a music appreciation course this semester. They had to create a scene set to instrumental music of their choice (only rule was that it couldn't be an instrumental version of a song with lyrics), and man, so many of them wrote cheesy love scenes. A friend of mine even warned me that you'll always get at least one person who chooses Kenny G because they want to play his music at their wedding, and my friend was right on the money. One of them even wrote a romance between two boys, but it was still ridiculously cliche. Honestly, every time someone wrote about something like a space mission or a cat-and-mouse chase, it was like a breath of fresh air.... Until they started doing things like mistake rhythm for tempo, call cymbals "symbols," use passive voice constantly, choose songs that made my ears feel like they were bleeding, and the general joys of grading undergraduate papers for a class that they took as an easy elective. I even spent my entire Valentines Day grading some of these, so I must have looked like that stereotypical bitter single teacher.
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