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Showing content with the highest reputation on 10/24/20 in all areas

  1. 2 points
    I've spent so long wishing for a relationship that I didn't realise romance actually kinda sucks. I thought a romantic partner would be cool, but I only ever fantasised about scenarios in which we'd be rebellious and go out and do crazy stuff bc that's all romanticised in movies, never just lying around cuddling in bed (the weird ideal allos seem to obsess over) which, first off just sounds sweaty n gross, and also so boring I'd probably be forced to jump out the window in search of an escape lmaoo. I'm a stimulation seeker not looking for romance haha, so after the beginning with the hormones havin a rave is over i'd lose interest. Thinking about it i'd be the WORST boyfriend; I hate people being clingy, I lose interest in things way too quick, I hate being touched in 90% of cases, and my personality changes monthly p much, so chances are one of us nopes tf out. Ik I sound like an awful person but i'm actually a p decent guy rip (blame my adhd) Also I haven't been on here in a while so i'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, I just wanted to get some thoughts out
  2. 2 points
    How do alloromantics deal with this wildly unrealistic portrayal of romance??? It's on par with Hollywood hacking, but most people aren't hackers. Most people are allos, though, which makes it really surprising. Even if a romantic relationship is shown to begin realistically in a normal boring setting and not when fighting an alien invasion, the other tropes which are used are still insane. Except for comedy the romantic interest is ... mostly ... super, super special. E.g. the mysterious alternative, artistic, sophisticated, charisma demigodess, intellectual French girl who lives a bohemian lifestyle and is so deep that everything she says opens up new vistas of thought. Most French women HUMANS aren't that interesting. Even the person with the most fascinating personality, dazzling intellect, ... on this planet needs some time to recharge and can't hold up that level 24/7. ... do allos see their romantic partners in this way? I've bothered so much trying to understand romance but there are still new disturbing questions coming up!
  3. 2 points
    Yes omg I think going on badass adventures with would be cool! Definitely doesn't have to involve romance like it always does in books/movies smh. Though I don't really mind a romantic undertone in action or adventure if it adds another layer rather, than feeling forced and slowing down the plot People on here are super accepting and positive! It's not something easy to find in other communities and it's pretty neat not feeling abnormal for once
  4. 1 point
    first of all, I'm so glad I found this site — though my friends vary in orientation, theyve never really had to think about if they could fall in love in the first place, and it made my self-discovery kinda lonely. when I first started questioning how I felt, I thought I was just broken or smth, no offence to everyone on the aro spectrum reading this (though you've probably had a moment like mine at some point too). everyone around me was falling in and out of love with so much fervor that i felt like an outcast sometimes cause I Could Barely Relate. but reading stuff here (and on AVEN) gave me hope that maybe I fit in somewhere i just couldn't grasp yet :D so here I am, v eager to learn! i used to identify as bisexual but now I'm not so sure. I thought I've had a fair amount of "crushes" before but a friend and I had a discussion lately abt past "crushes" and I came to realize that the way she saw crushes was quite different from the way I saw them. some examples: 1. she told me that she couldn't imagine contentedly staying friends with anyone she has seriously liked before. idk how common that is but I dont think I've ever even wanted to pursue a "relationship" with anyone I've liked before at all. if i had to describe what I desired from them that made me think I had a crush, it'd be the way I wanted to be close to them, so to speak. I wanted us to have a special connection, but engaging in traditionally romantic stuff never felt necessary to me. I did some research and a "squish" seemed pretty spot on for how I felt abt my past "crushes", but I'm confused as to where I'm supposed to draw the line between wanting to be close to someone as a particularly important friend and wanting to be romantically involved with someone (disregarding sex). where do y'all draw it? 2. I've experienced jealousy — once. And it was cause i felt like a friend (who I thought I had a crush on) was replacing me and I was losing my special status as her best friend LMAO. funny thing was, she said she felt the same abt me and another friend I was making at the time, but she's never liked me "that way", so I'm chalking it up to a platonic rather than a romantic kind of jealousy, if that makes sense... other than that, everyone I've ever "crushed on" could like / be dating someone else and I wouldn't really feel resentful about it. my lack of jealousy is telling me something but my desire to be "special" to someone tells me something else... does wanting to be special to someone = romantic attraction? 3. whenever someone tries to get close to me with obviously-romantic intent (emphasis on obvious cause I'm usually oblivious to these things 👁👄👁) I get uncomfortable and a little grossed out (?), while my friends actively seek the opportunity to bond w people romantically (even strangers, which I try to understand but I simply Can't)... is it just cause I'm nervous/scared? is it cause of the person themselves? am I being immature? I dont feel repulsed by platonic skinship (my friends are super touchy and it blurs the lines even more ;_;) or cheesy declarations from my friends but when I'm aware that the other person wants something from me other than friendship I get queasy and look for ways to divert the mood. send help lol sidenote: I know I like romance theoretically. Having a special person I can bond w for life sounds appealing (sex is cool too) and i get really invested in fictional stories under the romance genre. But every time I've been confronted w it, or a potential for it to bloom, IRL, I feel gross (not the sex part just the romance part). I wonder sometimes if I just havent found the right person, but that's a query only time can answer :| this next part's gonna make me sound callous af, but I've also never liked the maintenance and obligatory aspects of Real romantic relationships (e.g. constant attention and interaction, acting as emotional support, effortful gestures that take me out of my comfort zone, etc.)... the things I would do willingly and the effort I'd voluntarily put in close friendships sound like a chore when I think of pouring them into romantic relationships, where they're unspokenly required. I'm typing this in as an afterthought cause I'm aware that my capacity for romantic attraction is separate from my willingness to commit to relationships (I have trouble committing to friends too sometimes, so it could just be my personality) but it might be relevant?
  5. 1 point
    quick disclaimer: I vaguely remember there was thread a while back addressing controversy about whether aro or ace people coined the term queer/quasiplatonic relationship. I'm really not interested in continuing that conversation. If someone has brought this up before, I apologize for being redundant, but I couldn't find anything because the search bar on this website seems kinda inefficient. Also, I'm in no way implying that we have to have unified terminology as a community. Label yourself and your relationships however makes sense to you. That being said, I'm really tired of the ambiguity surrounding what "platonic" actually means. For one thing, I don't even like Plato, and for another, it's a word originally coined to simply describe love without sex/sexual desire (see here, the etymology: [link]). To me, it sounds like regardless of who came up with the idea of a qpr (like I said, not interested in that convo), platonic seems to ultimately describe allo aces in romantic relationships better than it does us. While it's true that colloquially platonic often = friendship, I think that might just be a result of a false dichotomy society created (if you're not having sex, you're "just friends"). Instead of a qpp, I might call someone an aromantic partner? Lol, I kinda wish "friends with benefits" didn't just refer to sex, but also like, domesticity, commitment, closeness, etc. The "benefit" is my need for constancy is satisfied 😂
  6. 1 point
    I love romance. Reading about it, watching it, it all seems so adorable, to be attached to someone in that way. But I'm just not capable of it myself. 🙁 In practice it is so, so boring.
  7. 1 point
    Very late reply, but this is a known issue. I've tried to fix it a few times but I haven't found anything that works yet. jpeg should be supported, Invision itself says that it should be working but whenever it tries it just fails.
  8. 1 point
    Lately, I've been plagued by a vague, sinking feeling. My friends are mostly all alloromantics of varying gender/romantic identities, which is lovely. I support all of them and have been accepted in return (I currently identify as aromantic grayasexual with no gender preference). I'm especially close with a few friends, and I appreciate them being around to support me and one another. They are all great people, and I am so thankful to have them by my side. But I keep struggling with the fact that likely, they'll all be partnered up one day and have a person in their life who they're closer to than anyone else, a romantic partner who makes them happy on levels that I could never match, just due to the way romance typically works. Maybe it's different for some, but the way romance plays out in the cases I've seen implies such a deep, intense bond that just... does something for the people involved that platonic connection doesn't match. I know, I know, that's sorta what romance is for, in the case of allos, but.. I don't know. It's kind of like a blow to the gut when I see friends I'm particularly close to find a romantic partner and suddenly they're so... happy, and their world revolves around that person. I'm happy, of course, that they've found fulfillment, but guilty, too, because I inevitably feel a level of jealously and... hurt, I suppose? It's a bit strange - I'm not jealous of the relationship itself, since I'm not really into romance or romantic relationships. The jealously is one that's more centered on not being able to match the connection, in a way. For example... I had a best friend who I have since drifted apart from due to varying reasons. Anyways, during our friendship they (I'll use gender neutral terms for all my friends, sorry if it's confusing but I find that to be the easiest) got into a relationship. They seemed so... happy, with their partner, much happier than I felt I was able to make them. Of course, I was younger during that time so I'm sure I felt things a bit differently back then, but man was I hurt. The vibrance in them when they talked about their partner and the happiness they felt... it was lovely, of course, to see them happy, but I couldn't shake the feeling of betrayal and sadness. I was their number one confidant for a lot of things, and we were close. But when they got into a relationship, I wasn't their first choice in talking and friendship and whatever else there was. I was... second best, by a long shot. I never verbalized my feelings. I felt that my feelings were childish, at the time - shouldn't everyone be allowed to have fulfilling relationships? I also was very opposed to the idea of myself being aromantic, and thought I may have been jealous they were dating someone else (I wasn't, and had no romantic feelings towards my friend). I said nothing and we drifted gradually apart due to them spending time with their partner more and changes in personal interests. We speak rarely now, but I have other close friends to fill in the gap that our drifting apart had left. Those friends are mostly alloromantic, though one may be on the aro spectrum as well, however they're not really sure. Maybe it's due to my past experience, yet whenever my close friends now speak about relationships or looking for one... I feel a bit ill, uncomfortable and anticipating the worst. It doesn't matter to me with distant friends or acquaintances, or oddly enough... some of my close friends, but for a few of them, it really does hit me. The couple of friends who I'd be the most uncomfortable about are the closest, so perhaps that's why? The thought of them growing distant and then ultimately having someone that means something to them on a deeper level than what I could ever provide is... a bit saddening, really. And to reiterate - this is only ever with romantic relationships, my friends having new close friends doesn't really bother me to the same extent. I'm not really sure what to do about it, or if I should do anything at all. If I committed to a QPP of sorts, I'd rather not have to deal with romantic partners and the potential scuffle/jealousy that could invoke, so it wouldn't really be fair to ask that of the likely alloromantic people I know. But I still feel a sense of apprehension that in the end, all I'm ever going to be to someone is second best. It'd be so much easier if I could up and say hey, I am crushing on people and want to date them, yet... that's just not how I feel. I don't have interest in romantic relationships, only QPPs and close friendships. I don't think I will end up saying anything just because I don't think it will help, and I apologize for this being a bit long-winded, but... I am curious, does anyone else ever feel this way? Like you're doomed to always be a second best? And if so... how do you deal with it?
  9. 1 point
    I relate to what you're saying. Media venerates romantic relationships and make them out to be some grand, amazing thing that everyone wants, and then people are bashed for not wanting a romantic relationship. I used to think I was romantically attracted to people, too, because literally everybody else around me was obsessed with romance. So, I thought, "meh, I must be romantic, too." I also relate to fantasizing about going on adventures with my friends. I'd think about what it'd be like to fight off a zombie apocalypse with my closest friends, stuff like that. But none of it was ever inherently romantic. I'm glad though that I am a part of communities that accept both my asexuality and aromanticism. It's nice to have a family like this.
  10. 1 point
    Hid posts in this thread due to a discussion about the validity of sensual/platonic/aesthetic attraction. We do not debate the validity of other people's identities.
  11. 1 point
    Two issues I run into being straight-ish and alloaro: 1. As @NullVector describes, I'm wary of whether I'd be welcome in queer spaces solely on the basis of being aro. (Setting aside my ongoing journey with gender identity, and complications with sexuality described below.) I know logically that it's all bullshit but I've internalised, to some extent, the ideas that "a straight person who prefers being single doesn't count as queer", and that I don't share experiences of being discriminated against to the extent other queer people have, and therefore I'm not "queer enough" to really belong. Those are my own hang-ups to deal with, but what I really fear is that if I try to involve myself in queer spaces I will run into people who do genuinely believe these arguments and will tell me I'm not welcome on that basis. 2. There doesn't seem to exist language or terminology to describe what my sexuality is. I don't know how much of this is an alloaro thing, but sexual attraction for me is entirely about bodies, and has nothing to do with gender. (Often, it even has nothing to do with personality!) And all of our terminology about sexuality seems to be defined exclusively in terms of gender. I don't seem to have a way to say that there's only one kind of genitalia I'm interested in getting intimate with, without sounding or being transphobic. And I do feel like the fact that sexual attraction for me is so utterly separate from any notion of love or even like for a person or their identity is probably a factor in this. It's possible that this is also related to my "I fundamentally do not experience gender as a significant part of my identity" thing but like I said, ongoing journey.
  12. 1 point
    Making judgements against the validity of people's identities is not permitted. People identifying as non-sam aro/just aro is perfectly valid, people are allowed to identify in the way that is comfortable for them. This thread is locked because it was never a productive conversation so it is best to prevent escalation.
  13. 1 point
    I think you need to ask yourself why everything coming out of your mouth on this thread is something you could read on an aspec exclusionist's discourse tumblr lmao. I could get into how aros didn't 'decide' we're privileged. I could get into the social and legal oppression we face, regardless of other labels we have. I could explain how your experiences of being bi versus being aro are just that, yours. I could try to get you to understand, as someone who only ids as aro myself, how gross it is that you assume me straight by default and how invasive it feels that you assume you're entitled to know the ins and outs of my experience with attraction. Frankly I don't think you're worth the effort. If you reflect on the hurt you're dealing to your own community, it will be because you yourself realise you're in the wrong. Let me instead tell you that I feel empowered as a queer person by opting out of sexual orientation. It's not a concept that helps me understand myself. Maybe it will one day, but for right now it just doesn't apply. I have no sexual orientation. I am not asexual. I am not anything other than aro. The fact that makes you so uncomfortable is honestly part of the appeal I'm 'just aro' as in fuck you.
  14. 1 point
    Hello i use only "aro", am not because i am privilegiate at all (sometime i id as aro allo, it's complex but i have the right) and i think that you should let peoples identify as they wish, you assume too much about them. Peoples can be "only ace" or "only aro" and it's not just bc they are privilegiate. There is many possible reasons. It's not because they are het. In fact, i find it disrespectful of you to slap "het" on someone who don't label their own orientation. I don't label my sexual orientation bc it's blury and i CHOOSE to not. And it's fine. It's not bc i am questionning. As a non binary "only aro", let me tell you that you are wrong on all the line there. Sorry if i get annoyed too, but wow. Hope you understand why it's not great If you get annoyed at peoples for an harmless self label, then it's on you. It's about us, how we decide for our own label. Not about you.
  15. 1 point
    1.How do I feel about the little representation? Do I feel the representation is accurate? -Whenever I see aromantic representation, or a character has been confirmed to be aromantic, I always am really happy. From the media I've read and watched, it has been rather accurate. It's always appreciated whenever the word aromantic is used explicitly in the piece of media. A show that confirms their aromanticsm on the side is nice, but if the character says it that's the most ideal situation because it's raising awareness. I would like it if some media took more effort to show the struggles of aromantics, however. I don't want aromantics to look like gloomy people who are sad all the time, no no no. I simply want our struggles to be realized and sympathized with by others because that is something I feel like doesn't get communicated at all by most pieces of media with aromantics. We are shown as happy people who don't need romance to be happy. And while that can be true, it's not always true! Many aromantics often struggle to find their place in a world that so highly prizes romance and I want that to be shown and understood. It'd also be nice to show a range of romance repulsed to positive aros. I haven't seen many romance repulsed aros in the media, probably because they would receive more negative reactions from the viewers. Basically I'd like to see more varied aromantic representation. (Ya it's cool to use my comments on this project. I hope my thoughts are concise enough!)
  16. 1 point
    Yeah, but that's not really an argument. It would take quite some effort to find out the true etymological history of "platonic love" (Plato's ideas, their renaissance interpretation etc.). A 100 word elevator pitch like in the link doesn't cover all the nuances. We'd have to study at least the Symposion, Phaedrus and Marsilio Ficino's writings about amor platonicus. But what would we gain from this effort? Words regularly change their meanings over time, and words regularly suggest false associations. E.g. the programming languages JavaScript and Java, it sounds they're related -- but they are not at all. IMHO, the most common modern use of "platonic" is to describe a relationship where sex is to be expected, but does not happen. It seems "platonic" isn't used for relationships where sex is not expected. E.g. between two straight women "friendship" is used, not "platonic". The problem with this usage is that "expected" is very subjective and also needs inferring (guessing) sexual orientations. But that's how it is and not likely to go away soon. I think that "platonic" shouldn't be used to describe aro relationships. It leads to a lot of confusion since the general meaning of the word is so different.
  17. 1 point
    I wish there was a term that could be used for a committed sexual non romantic relationship. It feels strange to use the term queer platonic relationship for that since most people associate platonic with non sexual.
  18. 1 point
    To be frank with you, i would call them a "close friend" probably. I mean, i am already disturbing the norms so why a friend could not be that? I like the word. C'est mes amis, mes potos. I am generally disinterested from qpr (no offense to anyone of course) and the "who was first" debate is...meh. Not one i will fight for. I used to be in the need of specific labels, but right now i am just... Eh 🤷‍♂️ But yes, the etymology is another debate. Peoples use it to describe a non romantic relationship, but norms are norms and they often think about no sex with it. I think.
  19. 1 point
    It's only that even teenagers know their mom for more than a decade. But a romantic partner of 3 weeks is usually regarded as more important than a friend. Aro thinking, sure.
  20. 1 point
    I don't really feel like that, so I hope others who can relate jump in aswell. I know there are many. Personally I see romantic relationships as an entire different category to friendship. To be jelaousy of it feels like akin to being jelaous about someone's relationship with their mom. A question, is it the ranking itself (putting one person above another) that feels bad for you? Or is it that you're not the top most ranked? I assume you feel different closeness with different friends? That you also priorities sometimes or favor one friend above the other. Are those friends who you don't feel as close to not meaningful to you?
  21. 1 point
    Research your brain. Your school notices your anger management issues and tries to deal with them at a surface level because that is what they need to sort out to run smoothly. If you want to work out what is really going on in there you will have to do it yourself. put some effort in a diet right the hell now, you will have to deal with that later and the longer you leave it the more difficult getting healthy will become. You have a kink, you will be unsure how to approach this for decades to come but for now just know that it is fine and you aren't some sort of freak. You will be much happier when you accept that and be open with yourself about finding pornography which works for you by the way. Oh, and Leicester win the prem in 2016, that should sort out the student debt
  22. 1 point
    I understand how you feel. But you know what? Sometimes I like, look at a Pokemon card I really like, and then I get so overwhelmed I'm like damn allos need to have whole ass social arrangements in order to feel the Special Good? Whaaaat? I don't need a partner, I already have Mewtwo, they are very good and very shiny and I would die for Mewtwo. Thanks for coming to my TED talk
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