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Showing content with the highest reputation since 06/14/20 in Posts

  1. 6 points
    I would like to see an allo aro character who's romance repulsed. One thing that both aroaces and allo-allos don't get is that sex is so heavily tied to romance that if you're not willing to at least perform romance for someone else's benefit, you're going to have a really hard time with any sexual relationships. How do you even find sexual relationships without first dating someone romantically, if you're not someone who's interested in the usual things like nightclubs or dating apps? Or, let's say you are open to those things. How do you sort out the people who are willing to have a no-strings-attached sexual relationship from the people who expect it to develop into something """more"""? What do you do when your partner """catches feelings""" and it's seen as your responsibility and your fault, and you're expected to reciprocate out of obligation? What do you do when they spread rumors about you being a bitch for refusing to date them, even when you both agreed at the start of your relationship that it was going to be purely sexual? What do you do when your partner wants to kiss you, or call you pet names? How do you find smut you can enjoy reading, when the best written stuff always ends in an "I love you for real"? So many people think being allo aro is as simple as "Well you just have casual sex". It's not, especially if you're romance repulsed. And sometimes I see people treat us as like, Alloromantic Lite- Basically the "aro" part ends at "well they don't have a long-term partner", without thinking about how our lack of romantic attraction affects our lives. I'm sure you understand how much it hurts to live in a romantic society as an aromantic, right? That happens to a lot of us, too. Sure, some aros might be romance-favorable, but we're not necessarily totally unfazed by the existence of romance just because maybe we're ok with kissing sometimes.
  2. 6 points
    Doing a report on aromanticism for a school, and I need responses for a survey here! It shouldn't take too long to complete, it has sections on demographics, community interaction and arophobia (that section isnt compulsory if you're not comfortable answering those questions). Thank you!
  3. 6 points
    Well, no, he's not your zucchini, not any more than two people both saying they have crushes on each other would automatically be partners. It's not a description of feelings- It's a description of consensual relationship arrangement. So, unless one of you said "Hey, do you want to be in a QPR?" and the other one said "Sure!", then he's not your zucchini, even if you both have squishes on each other. Secondly, I think the important thing here is to think about how you're defining the term "squish", and how he's defining it. For example, you say you think he's "just feeling friend love"- But to me, and many other people I'm sure, that's what a squish is. And how can you know he doesn't feel similarly about you to the way you feel about him? I think, really, what you should do is forget about terminology. If you're defining a squish as one thing, and he's defining it as another, then debating it isn't going to get you anywhere; What's important isn't the language, it's the feelings. Talk to him. Figure out what he's feeling, and what you're feeling- Regardless of what terms you use to describe these feelings. Figure out what you both want from your relationship. Do you want something different from what you have now? Why or why not? What does he want? These are the things you need to talk about, not whether or not you have squishes, because it sounds like at this point that's not the question you need to be asking each other.
  4. 5 points
    Found this little gem. So not a direct canon neither headcannon. But worthy nevertheless.
  5. 4 points
    Q: "But don't you want somebody to share your life with?" "No, it's all mine. They can go get their own." "Every time I share something with someone, they break it. Life included." Q: "But how can you not feel love?" "Look, in this language, you can love pizza. Pick your goalpost." Q. "But starting a family..." "What's wrong with the old one?" Q. "There's gotta be someone in your future" "Right. Because I just said 'When the World is Running Down' is what I want" (reference to a song by the only good police, the band called The Police) Q. "Your other half" "Yes, I only exist to my waist. I don't walk; I float." I'm most proud of the responses to lines one and three, but I thought I'd share. Mods are welcome to move this if this isn't the right place. I'm new here.
  6. 4 points
    Hi, I'm Iini! i'm 22, and enjoy reading, cooking/baking, and dogs. For me, the main identity I identify with is aro, mainly because the label was so relieving when I finally accepted it. Sexuality wise I'm still quite lost, there's a lot of gorgeous people of all genders, but it isn't such a huge deal for me, and I don't really feel the need to pick a label for that. When I was a kid, and still when I was a teen, I used to pick either a family friend or some other guy I knew, so that when my friends would ask me who I had a crush on, i could at least say a name. I've never actually had a crush on someone, but I have had what you might describe as squishes, and tried to convince myself that it was a crush. I found out what being aro meant when I was in high school, because I had a friend who was very into LGBTQ+ stuff, but also very anti aro and ace people. Wasn't fun. Anyway, when I moved out to go to uni, I one night gathered all my courage, googled aromantic, and had a panic attack because I felt something click, and decided that maybe I was a grey-aro, and that even if I had never felt romantic attraction, and didn't want a relationship, maybe at some point I would fall in love, and that at 18 I was too young to make any decisions anyway. Fast forward almost 5 years, i now identify as aro, without the grey prefix, and have come a long way in acceptance. I think that covers it, I'm excited to talk to you guys!😊
  7. 3 points
    ***I’m sorry if this isn’t formatted well!! I’m just writing down my thoughts/concerns as they form in my mind*** I’m 17 and I’ve never questioned my romantic attraction before, I always assumed I had it- that I experienced it in the “normal” way- because I love sweet things and I like way too many fictional characters. (As well because I’m pansexual and polyamorous) I do know that I find people of all kinds sexually attractive and I do know that, when the right people came, I would be into having a relationship with more than one person. But lately I’ve been wondering if I actually do experience romantic attraction. My main question is: Is it possible to be on the aromantic spectrum if I like the idea of/want all the things that happen in a relationship? I do want to kiss, cuddle, hold hands, have dates, make out, maybe have sex etc. with people I’m close with but I don’t really feel anything aside from “aw that’s a sweet/cute/neat thing to do”. I keep looking up what “romantic love” and “attraction” are supposed to feel like but I still have no clue. I do get excited and happy reading, watching, thinking of my self in romance situations but when placed in a scenario where I would experience it, it just feels off. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten “butterflies” before. I’ve seen people describe it as “you‘re weightless, floating, nervous, giddy, warm and fuzzy” but the only thing I’ve ever felt towards a person irl is stress, a bit of anxiety and slight excitement (because “omg, I’m finally having a sweet moment!”, yes that’s what I thought) I don’t get any of those butterfly feelings when I think about people I’d be interested in doing relationship stuff with. Idk maybe I just haven’t been in enough relationships to know but don’t people feel all of that even when they’re not in a relationship??? That’s what I’ve always assumed after consuming all that lovey-dovey media. I’ve had a few what I assumed were crushes (two friends, a few celebrities and several fictional characters) but, after reading into aro terminology, they could very well be meshes. I got into in my first relationship at the end of last year but it only lasted about a month or so because it didn’t feel right to me. I liked this girl but we jumped into a relationship way too quickly. We didn’t know all that much about each other so it felt really wrong to me- really insincere. And I was starting to feel guilty since the main reason I said yes was because I wanted to be in a relationship, I wanted to be able to say (not really outright but still) that I had a gf. I feel bad because she says that she actually likes me and still would like to be in a relationship if I’m down. I told her I felt something for her, which is true. I care about her a bit more than other friends but I don’t think it’s the same thing that she’s feeling. I think I just think highly of her and want good things for her. I do want to do cute relationship stuff with her but not because I’m in love with her. But because I just want to. Because that stuff is sweet and cute and it sounds nice. I’m not certain in very many of my emotions. In general, I don’t think I feel things the way I’m “supposed to”. (But that’s a problem for another time) I want to be loved romantically. Though, Idk if that’s because I really want that or if I just want the reassurance that I’m capable of being loved. I feel bad that I think I’d be okay with a single sided romance. Again idk, feelings are really complicated and I really wish I felt things very obviously.
  8. 3 points
    figured i should introduce myself as well, and not just write a post and run hahaha. Hi! I'm Pigie/nisse, i'm 24, soon-to-be art student, and i have known i was aroace since i was about 17? took a bit longer to accept it tho, lol. I have always felt a much stronger connection with the aro label than the ace label, however i recently discovered some people use aroace as a whole label (and there's a flag! a much nicer looking one than the aromantic one - i know, i'm sorry. i'm just not big on green 😅 ), as opposed to aro/ace - and honestly that's me!! same hat!! i am the whole thing. i also heavily identify with queer as a label - i am hella queer, and it's nice to use that when i want to make clear that i'm not straight, but i'm not up for educating people on the whole aroace thing lol. i'm also toying around with some gender labels - hence the mess of pronouns. i'm trying to figure it out, as it's been on my mind a long time. so if you're NB and would be willing to chat gender with me, please say hi! i have many thoughts. so hello, fellow aromantics! i'm so happy to be here.
  9. 3 points
    Heyo! I'm a 22 year old greyro ace who stole my name off a very angry package of oat milk. I've been stalking around the aros on tumblr for a while but never took the step to make an account here until now. I'm not sure why, because I've always considered my arospec identity to be a much larger part of who I am than my asexuality. It feels like my lack of romantic attraction and my lack of wanting a relationship is a lot more difficult for people to accept and understand than other parts of me. Like people have been taught that you always need to respect someone's sexual boundaries, but if you don't want to hold someone's hand?????? You're really stretching people's capacity of dealing with your weirdness. I've been carrying all my thoughts about this alone for far too long so now I'm going to let them loose on the forums! I'm not really a forum person, the only other one I've been on is AVEN, and I am so sick of it. There are too many people on there that are just straight-up vile, and that's not even counting in all the amatonormativity, gatekeeping and other shit that goes on. I saw that there were plans to join with them to keep this site running but that it got voted down because other members have also had bad experiences with them, so I hope I will feel more at home here! It's so isolating to not know anyone who understands how I feel, even if I have good friends who like me for who I am. Anyway, I'm excited to get to know you all!
  10. 3 points
    (speaking as a person who mostly call themselve just aro, but who is not ace and i can call myself aro allo in some case) The thing is : the aro allo experience is varied. They can be very sexual, not be, not liking sex that much, not be actually sure of their sexual orientation, young and old. And the other thing is: nothing of this is actually bad. I suppose a "cliché" i am not fan of would be that being aro allo *automatically* give you a higher sex drive and that you want sex with everyone you see and that it's always on you mind (automatically is the key word. Because some aro allos may be like that for all i know, and they are not bad for it ). But i am not sure of how popular that "cliché" is. There is, of course, the "aro allos are manipulator" thing i hate. Well, i would need to see actual representation to really be sure of what i don't want haha !
  11. 3 points
    Yes, it is possible. There is even a word for aromantic who still want to be in a romantic relationship : cupioromantic. Though in the aromantic community, you find a lot of people repulsed by romance, it is not always the case. Personally, I can enjoy romance in books and movies, for instance, even ship characters sometimes (though I am not crazy about my ships). Also, you list sex in the romantic things, but sex don't have to be romantic. Aros are not necessary asexual. The same way, all your desire for doing these things are not necessary linked to romantic attraction. Maybe you just enjoy physical contact.
  12. 3 points
    Okay good news so the talk with one out of the three went well we'll see how the other two go
  13. 3 points
    Good luck on your school project! I hope you can get many interesting responses. It's always nice to see people looking at aromanticism in their academic pursuits. I admit I got stuck at the question that asked me to choose from aroace, aroallo, and non-SAM aro. I personally don't identify strongly with any of those. I explained more in the feedback section as well, but in case anyone else got stuck too, I want them to know you know about it.
  14. 3 points
    Ok, the difficulties start with the basic statistic: the birth rate, which you cite. It is the easiest measure to define and calculate. The number of live births per thousand of population per year. It has a long lag. If in the recent past women didn't have a lot of children, it will still be low regardless if the birth rate in younger women has increased. There are fewer women in childbearing age that even can be mothers, yet, to put a not too fine point on it, all those middle aged and old people are still around. So if a country has a low birth rate and you look at explanations in the present, that will be misleading. As you say, regarding Japan we think of "Marriage to Hatsune Miku", but seriously – for the actual reasons you must also include at least the 90s. A woman which was 45 in 2000 is 65 now and likely still alive. So what did she do in 1975 - 2000? The same is roughly true for men. There's theoretically a lot of more leeway here, but in practice when people marry their ages are not thaaat far apart. And in the 80s or 90s there wasn't a Hatsune Miku. I'm not knowledgeable enough regarding Japan to do more than speculation. So are the stories about "salarymen" exaggerated? Like the insane shifts, sometimes with up to 40 hours overtime a week? If they're more or less true, I wonder how they even manage to date at all. it would be interesting to know more about the blue-collar workers in Japan, if it's different for them. One would assume, because for physical labor the negative effects of such overwork are much more serious. What's about the birth rate dependent on socioeconomic group?
  15. 3 points
    I think it's definitely ok. I'd also suggest it's possible *gasp* to... combine labels. *GASP* Basically, you could call yoself aromantic, and grey-bisexual. (Grey-bi kinda has a ring to it.) Please do whatever makes you comfortable and happy, and have a great day!
  16. 3 points
    Hey! Very recently really started looking into terminology and such for what I feel, and cupioromantic is the first thing I found that fits. I want someone to be my partner and to grow old with. I want someone to cuddle with at night and raise a family with. I’m a virgin, but like the idea of creating and carrying my own child. I’m 22 and have, up to now, always assumed I was heteroromantic and heterosexual. Guys can be really cute and I want cuddles! Big arms to hold me at night and a smooth chest to put my head on and a soothing heartbeat to lull me to sleep. All of this seemed to line up with societies ideas of romance. Here’s the thing. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship. They make me nervous, like I’ve got an anvil hanging over my head just waiting to crush me. They’re suffocating. My longest relationship to date was when I was thirteen. My friend and I figured out that our parents would drive us to the movies for dates, when they wouldn’t just because we wanted to see a movie. They encouraged going over to each other’s houses and took us on cool trips, like glass blowing and carnivals. We wouldn’t have been able to go to these things if they weren’t ‘dates’ because we were too young to drive. It was perfect. Then, he kissed me. I panicked. I raced inside the house and did my absolute best to never see him again. I justified it to myself that it wasn’t supposed to be weird, and that he made it weird! I regret losing that friendship, but I can’t regret breaking the relationship off. Over the years, I’ve gone on a couple dates but have always cut it off as soon as it got to shouldering or kissing. Shouldering being arms over the shoulders in that weird yawning movie way that automatically takes soothing physical contact and makes it weird. For the past few years, I haven’t dated at all. The day I started looking up terminology, I spent two hours explaining to a roommate that I don’t love him. He’s a great friend and a great roommate, but I don’t love him. He poured his heart out, saying he could see us happy together and that he wanted me by his side. Talked about marriage. (We have never been anything more than roommates and friends. Never held hands, never cuddled, nothing.) The thing is, he also talked about how much he loved me. He talked about how he wanted me to give him a chance and that he would rather try to convince me and fail than never try. How I was missing out on a great guy and how he’d always treat me right. He saw not dating him as not giving him a chance to earn my love, but didn’t listen when I told him I couldn’t return his feelings and didn’t want to try dating him. I felt like such an asshole. He was pouring his heart out and I was having to watch it crack as I repeatedly told him no. He’s an honorable man, so I don’t feel pressured or anything, but I do feel guilty. I broke his heart and I don’t regret it. He kept going on about how, if I just gave him a chance, I would love him back. He was my realization moment. I kept thinking, I can’t be in love with him back. I don’t feel that. What was he talking about? It’s not a choice to love him or not. I care about him, but I’m not in love with him. I won’t ever be in love with him. Even if I ended up loving him, I wouldn’t be in love with him. (That thought, right there, was the important realization.) I’ve never been in love. I love my family. I love my friends. I love rivers and trees and birds that have no respect for sleep. I love my cat and all the pets I’ve ever had. I even love the children I have not yet had. I want at least two, and I love them fiercely. I have never been in love. I don’t want to be in love. It seems messy and over complicated, to be honest. This, however, leaves me at a crossroads. Sex is a non issue. I honestly have no feeling about it, other than wanting babies someday. I’d be fine with sex or without. The issue, is a partner. I want a life partner. How do I date, though? How do you explain that you are looking for a lifelong cuddle buddy to raise kids with and grow old together? That kissing is germ central, holding hands is sweaty, and shouldering is suffocating? I’m 22 years old and I don’t date. I like the term cupioromantic because I long for a lifelong partner. (Haven’t bothered even looking for the correct sexual label, because I don’t see why sex matters.) However, cupioromantic doesn’t fit as well as I’d like. I want a partner, but I don’t want a romantic partner. I want cuddles, not kisses. I don’t want flowers and dates, I want someone to dry the clean dishes as I wash them and share inside jokes with. Domestic fluff, but not romance. Does that make sense? Where do I go from here?
  17. 2 points
    For me, personally? Yes and no. Would I like someone who I get along with well, who I know would generally be open to having sex, without any fear of it being romantic? Sure. Would I want to have an actual committed Relationship, even a sexual-only one? Ehhhh, not really. I don't like being tied down and I don't wanna tie anyone else down either. If someone decides they don't wanna have sex with me anymore they should be able to just be like "Eh, no thanks" without having to formally Break Up With Me, and I would like the same for myself.
  18. 2 points
    I'm happy to find someone who agrees! The "We're not cold, we can still love" mindset is too common for me to be entirely comfortable in certain ace spaces. Also, I saw this poll on AVEN where some people had filled in that aces are a part of the lgbtq+ community but that aros are not. Like.......what. You would expect a community that gets so excluded to be less ignorant. ayyy, we're having a big validation party here! And yes! Love is what makes us human. Everyone knows this! Who needs consequential thinking or passion or creativity since none of those things defines me as a person :))) Without love I might as well just wither away. Disappear on the spot because I don't actually exist.
  19. 2 points
    Short answer : yes absolutely, it's possible. There is no monolyth in aromantism. There is also many kind of relationships, and none of them are exactly like the other,. And peoples can use the same word for differents "results", or different words for what would be the "same" thing for someone, if that make sense. What you describe don't have to be tied to romantic feelings, even if it has this connotation. Aromantic peoples who like romance and are in a relationship (even in one they would call romantic) also exist. Hope it help? I got them sometime, it's not romance for me. It's either excitement for various reasons or anxiety. I suppose that romantic attraction (or other attractions) can be a form of excitment?
  20. 2 points
    And I think another one has gotten it! One more to go, but they're not responding rn unfortunately.
  21. 2 points
    Hey guys, My name is James and I turned 23 years old today. I'm very new to this whole aromantics thing. I literally just signed up to this site. I am very confused on whether I am aromantic and I am curious if people here can relate to my story. Writing this out for the first time, so bear with me: I enjoy seeing rom-coms and romantic stories, but I have never been in love. I've had a few crushes and those feelings always went away after a short time. My crushes were superficial, I was attracted to somebody's looks or charisma, but as soon as I got to know them on a deep level the crush would fade. I love going out on dates and I started dating a lot of people as a teenager. Girls at first, then I accepted I am gay and started dating guys. I dated a different guy every month, because of how quickly I got tired of them. I am a people person, I have no problem spending lots of time with my friends and family. When it comes to romantic relationships I'm completely different. I have the hardest time being vulnerable with my partner and I also don't enjoy romantic stuff like cuddling. I like giving hugs and kisses, but I see no appeal in cuddling at all. It just bores the hell out of me. This makes relationships very hard for me. I tell the other person I don't want to cuddle (because communication is key and all that) but I can tell my boyfriends are always disappointed. What also happened with three of my boyfriends is that they wanted me to move in with them and that SCARED me so much!! I straight up panicked and broke up with them. Breaking up with people is the worst, it makes me feel like a jerk when I look them in the eye and tell them I don't love them back. After a few months of dating they have often fallen deeply in love and I'm like 'Nah let's be friends'. It's honest but harsh. My friends know that for years I never shut up about meeting the man of my dreams and the wedding we would have (and I mean I've even thought out DETAILS of my wedding lmao). Yet commitment has always been an issue with me. I never date a guy for more than a few months, usually no longer than 2/3 months, and then I break up with him. Because I get scared of being vulnerable and committing to something I don't want. I always thought I'm scared because my dad abandoned me as a child (I'm not kidding lol I have some real daddy issues), but lately I have been thinking I am just not capable of romantic love. Platonic relationships can be equally as meaningful and powerful and with the love of my friends I don't feel like I am missing out. It's just my environment expects me to be in a long term relationship with a partner. Everyone I know craves a romantic partner, but I just don't. I went on dates because I like meeting new people and having fun, not because I was looking for romance. Now I am realizing other people are looking for romance and apparently that's the normal thing to want. And that makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Just last April I broke up with a lovely guy whom I dated for 9 months, my longest relationship yet. My friends and family liked him a lot. I also liked him a lot, he was cute and he made me laugh. During our relationship, however, I was experiencing major anxiety. It was so bad I developed tummy aches. The stress got worse, because I had never been in a relationship this long. So the longer it went on, the more nervous I got. The day I broke up with this guy, I got some texts of men I know who asked me out because I was now single (these people waste no time!). This time I didn't say go out with them like I usually do. I turned them all down. I am TERRIFIED. I really thought I wanted to be in a relationship and get married even. But now I'm thinking I fell in love with the idea of a romantic relationship, but I don't actually want one. I just get so stressed and scared whenever I am in one. The thought of having a romantic partner gets less and less appealing as I grow older. Am I aromantic? Is this what it means to be aromantic? I just don't know. Now having my 23rd birthday today, I've made the decision to not date anyone for a while until I have this stuff figured out. What do you guys think? Can you relate? Do my feelings make any sense at all?
  22. 2 points
    I totally agree with @Blake that the most important thing right now is to take that break. Reading around here, especially other people's stories, will definitely help you find things to relate or contrast to. We are not only informed by things we understand and like but also by all the things that we reject. Blake says some really good stuff, so I will just add two points. You might want to learn the word Amatonormativity which basically means romantic relationships are prioritised above other sorts of relationships. As you have been dating you have probably been butting up against it fairly constantly, but it is also present in more subtle ways that you have been seeing all your life in movies, books, advertisements, blah blah..basically everything, which informs social expectations and personal aspirations (you don't have to agree with me here, it is just how I see things). Which brings me to the second point: We do like to make a distinction between fantasy romance and reality romance. When romance is directed at us in our minds or a story many aromantic/a-specs are fine with it (maybe they like it or maybe they are bored, but they are not particuarly negative) but those same people when presented with someone real being romantically interested can cause feelings of revulsion or dislike or anxiety basically all bad stuff. So all of your wedding planning and dream future is a 'safe' fantasy romance and doesn't particularly help you form an idea of what your orientation might be because we are taught from early (because of amatonormativity) that romance is good/universal/life goal. So think over what you really (reality) like and what made you anxious or uncomfortable, using this hindsight to work out what your boundaries are. Letting your future partner know you are aromantic-spectrum (or still questioning it) might reduce overall stress and you might find your boundaries shift simply because the underlying romantic expectation is relieved. Sorry if I rambled my thoughts too much and I wish you the best of luck @Jameseroo !
  23. 2 points
    As you don't know if it is 'normal' or not, it is possible that they also don't know how to keep things platonic in a relationship? maybe they just make assumptions about what progression happens when something becomes a relationship. This all boils down to you asserting your boundaries. Tell them when you are uncomfortable, and if they start interrogating you about why you are uncomfortable don't let them make you feel like it is your problem. If you cannot articulate why you feel uncomfortable that is fine, vocabulary and communication can be hard and some people just don't want to understand, so say something along the lines of: This action/activity/word makes me uncomfortable and I am asking you to stop, the reasons why I feel uncomfortable are not as important than respecting my wishes. This one might have to be a conversation about what the relationship really is (as compared to a conversation about boundaries, though you probably need to talk about them too). If you didn't talk about what sort of bond you had, well now is the time to go over that. If this person is truly seeking a romantic relationship you will have to make it clear that you are not the person for that. This might give you some help with boundaries if you don't know where to start, or maybe give you some new ideas On a final note, heavily biased from personal experience, if you are truly worried about them self-harming because of their possible reaction take some psychiatrist/therapist/counsellor numbers or fliers with you because if they are really in that state they need professional help. Also because threatening self-harm is a form of domestic abuse and control...so if they are holding it over you just get out of the situation and if you are still worried call the cops for a wellness check a few hours later.
  24. 2 points
    Hey there mate! First, hi ^^ hbd and welcome. Ok so you are not alone in this. Your feelings are as valid as mine. I cannot put you a label cuz that is up to you. What I can do is help you understand your situation and what it can mean. So you may be in the aro-spec. This means that you may be aromantic, lithromantic, demi, etc. In the AUREA website you can find all the terms. From what you told, i would look up lithromantic and cupioromantic to have a north and from there take your ship toward the voyage of self-discovery. That is my tip for you. Now, another thing that i saw as important is to take a break from dating to get to know yourself better ^^ (woot woot). I know is not very easy to want something but not being able to go get it. You are not alone in this, you now have an entire website full of people who are all over the world and we all have different experiences and we can help each other out however we can. So yeah, like you said, you are not missing out on whatever allos are doing. You are you, and that is what matters. Also, cherish you friends, and try to find people who you feel comfy to hang out. They do not have to represent a potential partner, just friends who have your back when you fall down and care for your mental/emotional health as much as physical one ( I say this cuz the ones that wrote you aftsr your breakup didn't sound much as friends but more as piranhas). I have friends and i have friends. The first one are the ones I like, the latter are the ones I would give my liver if they need one. ^^ finding the latter is kinda hard, but it makes you time with them fulfilling and meaningful. Cheers mate and may you find what you are looking for.
  25. 2 points
    I've also been through this, and I know it's very hard to do this. But it's important that they let them know how you're feeling (or not feeling.) Did they ever officially ask you out? If not, that's a place to start. Communication is very important in any relationship, romantic or not. If they never asked or pushed your boundaries to ask, that should be addressed. Not saying anything will just hurt yourself and potentially them as well. That all said: this is not your fault if you got pressured into this, your own feelings and boundaries are more important than letting others push yours, no matter how they feel about you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now and I hope it gets resolved peacefully.
  26. 2 points
    I think Diana from Anne with an E may be somewhere on the aro spectrum. Maybe that's just because I would enjoy a character from this show to be so. But she doesn't seem very interested in romance for herself, in particularly compared to the other girls who all want to date. She only noticed and showed interest in Jerry after Jerry offered to walk her home (which was considered romantic if I understood; she was suprised to find him ready to walk with her). And as the actress who played her said herself, Diana may have kissed him, but she wasn't in love with him : she only dated him because he is from a different world and be with him gave her an illusion of freedom : she escaped her house and all its rules. But when she realized how different they are, she didn't enjoy his company anymore because they have nothing to talk about. And when she compares her experience to other girls, it was clear for her she didn't love him. So she may noot be aro, but if it was revealed she was on the spectrum, I wouldn't be surprised. Also, she and Anne can be seen as QPPs, totally.
  27. 2 points
    So, squish would technically be platonic attraction, yes. People also use squish for queerplatonic attraction, though technically there's other specific words for that, most people just use squish. I think it makes more sense when looking at parallels with other types of attraction? So like, for me, there's an extent to which I want to have friends, and I will look at people around me for qualities that make someone seem like good friend potential and decide to pursue that because I want to have friends, but I don't really feel a pull towards befriending specific people and it kinda reminds me of before I knew I was aro, when theoretically evaluating who would be a good person to have a crush on in a logical way, except the difference is I do actually want to pursue making friends. I sometimes rarely experience squishes after I already feel very close to someone, and then I want to be even closer to them and want to spend time with them specifically, as opposed to wanting to spend time with someone and they happen to be the most likely person to spend time with. So, there's a difference between wanting to have friends and do platonic things, vs wanting to be friends with someone specifically when experiencing platonic attraction towards them.
  28. 2 points
    Same. I love to write and it's frustrating when I can't because I am stuck. Also, I love when I finish something. I also say music, in particular American musical. Don't ask me why because nobody in my family is into musical and I am not American. I can't even see them live. But I love the music, and the unique way of melting songs into the story. But I know no one who share my passion for that. I also enjoy some video games, but my father says it's for little kid and I should grow up. I'd like to see him win Fire emblem Fates Conquest in the hardest mode. Then we'll talk.
  29. 2 points
    Hi everybody! I'm Amelia, but feel free to call me Amy. I'm a 19-year-old college student in the US. I remember being a young kid and imagining what my first romantic relationship would be like. I was sure that by the time I was in high school I'd have my first kiss, a boyfriend, weekly dates in fancy restaurants... Since I'm here, you can guess how that's gone. By middle school, I was analyzing every interaction I had with boys my age (and eventually girls my age) to see if it was romantic or if it was just someone being nice. One of my close friends at the time described her feelings for her crush as if I was a little kid, because I genuinely didn't understand what she was experiencing. The term "aromantic" was introduced to me early on in high school, when I finally told a classmate that I'd never had a crush that I didn't make up on the spot. At first I was adamant to prove that I wasn't aro, because I was so worried that something was wrong with me or I was being punished for some unspoken crime. I thought that I would be utterly alone for the rest of my life. Eventually, I made some amazing friends (who, yes, all turned out to be queer lol) and realized that there was so much more to the world than amatonormativity. My lack of romantic and sexual relationships doesn't limit my capacity to love, or to have wonderful and fulfilling platonic relationships with the important people in my life. I finally admitted that I wasn't straight just before I turned 16. I was eating lunch with a girl who just kept complaining about her boyfriend, and eventually caught myself thinking "Wow, am I glad I don't like boys." Needless to say, I did a mental double take. By the end of the day I accepted that I was somewhere on the aro and ace spectrums. So, yeah! I'm aromantic asexual, I've got a great group of supportive friends, and I'm slowly working on coming out to my family (just give me a few years). Yet as comfortable as I've become with my identity, it's still frustrating to know so few aro people in real life and see every aspect of the world saturated by romance. I'm happy to know there's a whole community of us out here, and I'm excited to get to know you guys and talk to people who understand. Hoping y'all are healthy, safe, and happy!
  30. 2 points
    i know it sounds strange lol. it’s the fact that i don’t experience romantic attraction, but i feel like i’m missing out on something. i watched cavetown’s vid where he revealed (??? sounds dramatic lmao) that he’s aro-spec n the way he deals w this is by viewing platonic relationships and romantic relationships as equal instead of romance being a step up, but i can’t get rid of this feeling that i’m missing out. especially because i luv the concept of love. like to such an extent i’ve cried nonstop over this. i remember i once had a bf (who was toxic but let’s not talk abt that rn) and i got w him as a way to “force” myself to be alloro, n when it broke off because (of his toxicity and) the fact i felt nothing, i couldn’t stop crying because i felt like i failed. like romance was a simple easy goal i failed. is this normal lol
  31. 2 points
    My name is Amber; I'm 29 and my 30th birthday is fast approaching! I'm a pansexual aromantic cis woman. To be honest, I am pretty iffy about the pansexual part. It appears I'm in a time of flux which I have accepted as a part of my queer experience. 💚 However, my romantic orientation has been aro for nearly as long as I can remember. I used to seek a romantic relationship because I had been led to believe that I NEEDED one and I was not feeling at all fulfilled by my friendships. I also enjoyed, and still enjoy though to a lesser extent, the grandiose idealized depictions of romance in fiction. After finding excellent buds, my desire for a romantic relationship disappeared as it was something I never really wanted in the first place. What an amazing realization! I simply wanted to be loved, to love and to be understood. I am interested in community-based intimacy, not partner-based intimacy. I seriously tried dating on three occasions! I was so unhappy every single time even though I loved those folks. I love[d] them a great deal but I was never "in love" with them. I didn't understand why it saddened me so much or what was 'wrong' with me. It never felt right. I was so relieved when the term aromantic was introduced to me. It's good to see I'm not alone and to be able to explain that I'm not broken for loving differently. I am so glad this forum exists!!! I love cooking, baking, doodling and writing sometimes, anything *cute*, fashion as self-expression, gender nonconformity, makeup, detailed chats about LGBTQPIA+ stuff and lots of other things too of course.
  32. 2 points
    Depends. Was it ever established between you two that your relationship was an exclusive and monogamous one, and if so, that a QPR would violate this arrangement? Did he discuss the concept of this QPR with you beforehand, or did he enter it without telling you? If he has knowingly violated the terms of your relationship, then yes, it is absolutely 100% ok to be uncomfortable. If not, then it's probably either a matter of conflict between you and the friend in question, or you're insecure. Either way it's something you should talk to him about, as well as something you should try to evaluate in yourself. Find out what the root of your discomfort is, and then you can decide how to deal with it.
  33. 2 points
    I used to have this feeling too. I think a lot of the 'missing out' comes from seeing the best parts of other people's relationships without seeing the boring or bad bits. So the internal desire for a relationship isn't even a really realistic one. luckily (I guess?) my messy internalised toxicity and amatonormativity had certain windows of importance in it's own messed up framework, so once I missed the 'teen romance' stage it was fairly easy to drop the whole idea of a romantic relationship and not be worried. That is just what I went through, so depending on what has influenced you you will probably have a very different experience. That probably wasn't that helpful (sorry). Basically I actively choose to identify and blame pervasive amatonormativity for many things that I see as failings or brokenness within myself. For example I read someone's experience of discovering agender because they thought romantic love was part and parcel of being a 'woman' (forgive me, I can't find the article), while I still identify as a woman because I feel that romantic love is a amatonormative filter put onto femaleness.
  34. 2 points
    Gray-aro can refer to a variety of experiences, including crushes without desire to "follow up" on them, but also including : experiencing (romantic) attraction rarely, experiencing attraction ambiguously/uncertainly, experiencing attraction at a low intensity, experiencing an attraction that is very fleeting/short lived....It can describe a lot of things. The fact that you are wondering if you've ever had a crush kind of indicates that you may be on the aro-spectrum, as romantic attraction tends to be described as a gut feeling that is very obvious. It also sounds like you've spent very little time thinking about or pursuing romance in general, and for someone in their 30s, that tends to be considered non-normative. At the end of the day the choice is up to you. You could identify as aro-spec or gray-ro, which can act as ambiguous catch-all terms. You could identify as aro. You could identify as questioning. Lurking around sites like this will give you more of an idea of what the aromantic experience is like and may help you decide.
  35. 2 points
    I wish I could tell you that the feelings you are feeling will pass eventually, but that would be a lie. I feel you, I am not where you are, but I know all to well that dark corner of your mind who whispers that you will never be happy, that you will die alone and ugly and smelly and lots of other things. My words to you are: Even though you righteously feel like you do, do not give up hope. It is ok to not find what you are looking for. But that does not mean all hope is lost. Yes, maybe you will never find that person...but that does not mean that you will pass every second of your remaining life miserable. In your journey you will make friends that won't be romantically involved with you, but you may find those who are. I am aro and pansexual, so maybe this doesn't make a lot of sense to you, but what I do is to say "I have a very open mind" to all my friends. And I do, I really do, but that sentence lets them know that I am not an average person, and that maybe I want something more than friendship. It is not written in stone, 95% time that sentence means that we speak of weird things (ex. how the opposite of a centaur would live; can we mix genetics to adapt humans to extreme climate thus making the liveable planet zone more ample?/etc) but that other 5% means that if we both want to, cuddles may happen/sex/maybe a bit of kissing/ or any other activity that we all want to do. Maybe it won't work with you, but maybe it helps you. I hope it helps you, really, cuz what I say to myself to get out of the dark zone of my mind is that it helps neither my brain nor me to think negative all the rest of my life, let myself think the "impossible" and try to do viceras, hearts ^^ (in spanish is: trata de hacer tripas, corazon). Cheers mate
  36. 2 points
    Another re-watch, another forgotten aro headcanon: Kronk from Emperor's New School/Emperor's New Groove! Probably also ace but for sure aro. Spinach puffs >>> romance
  37. 2 points
    I can't relate 100% because I am aromantic and not demiro, but I can relate with the feelings you have expressed. I also am not proud of my identity. Sometimes there are perks like avoiding relationship drama, and being free to pursue my own interests without having to consult a partner first. But I feel any pro to my identity has more cons to outweigh it. Sometimes I wish that I had any other romantic orientation besides aromantic just so I could at least have the smallest chance of finding someone. Sure, QPRs exist, but finding one is next to impossible and not every aromantic wants one. In our society, favor is given to the majority and the rest are left to fend for themselves (that's us). We are a source of pity for everyone else. How can we be proud when there is no path to happiness for us? Our generation has been given the task of forging that path ourselves and it is terrifying.
  38. 2 points
    After years of experience I can now ride the bi-cycle ("I'm definitely bi", "wait no maybe I'm totally gay", "wait no actually am I just straight and pretending?", "shit no definitely still bi", etc etc) with ease. But I think I need training wheels for the aro equivalent, jeez. I'm falling off and scraping my knees over here. Being an aroallo with a nice side of mental illness makes for a rough learning curve... I keep questioning my feelings and wondering if I'm just convincing myself I'm aro because I think it sounds cool or I want another identity-- because I do experience a lot of emotions and impulses that could easily be mistaken for romantic attraction. The good news is that if I take the time to meditate on it and figure out how I feel and what I really want, I come up with the same answers: I feel very strong physical and platonic attraction for people, and those both manifest in certain ways because of my past experiences and relationships-- and no, I don't want a romantic relationship. The bad news is that I have to meditate on it every time it comes up (at least for now-- it's only been about three months since I seriously investigated the possibility I was aromantic.) I want to trust myself, I want to be able to just trust that whatever I feel is some combination of emotions and attractions that have nothing to do with romantic intent, but I'm not yet in the place to do that. I still have to investigate and analyze all my feelings to stop from second guessing myself and worrying that I'm lying to myself, etc etc etc. I guess this is kind of just a vent, but I'm curious to hear stories from people who have been confident with their identities for a long time, particularly people my age (23) or older. What's it like to know you're aro and have that as a consistent through-line in your life? Did you go through long periods of doubt? Do you still doubt yourself? How do you work through that?
  39. 2 points
    I totally get that. Like, intimate platonic relationships are definitely a thing. Lifelong roommates is also a thing. But how do you get to that point? How do you meet people IRL who actually want the same thing you do? If there is a Tinder for platonic relationships, I’ve never heard of it.
  40. 2 points
    A friend just let me know that Alice Oseman (apparently quite an up-and-coming YA author?) is writing a new book, "Loveless", that sure looks to be a very explicit aromantic asexual coming of age and coming out story: The novel won't actually be released until next month, but I'd expect some reviews to potentially start trickling in before then. Has anyone here happened to have read any of Oseman's other works?
  41. 2 points
    I'm only 18 and have been using the term aro for a year now but I related to your struggle of deciding whether you're really aro or if you mind is convincing you of stuff. Though my struggle was on a smaller scale of "Do I feel comfortable using the term aro or do I feel fake?". I also strongly related to the way you're dealing with it, specifically the terms you're using. Like analyzing and investigating. I work through my own thoughts in a similar fashion and haven't met many who do too. My aro-cycle was easier though because I removed all need to seem socially "cool" ages ago. So, like I said, it was more of a "Do we have enough evidence to comfortably call ourselves this?".
  42. 2 points
    It's probably easier to pronounce if the L comes first: Ellgeebeetee, better than Geebee-elltee for example, right? Lebanese? Lesbian derives from the Greek island Lesbos where the poet Sappho came from, whose poetry is regarded to be about erotic feelings towards women.
  43. 2 points
    Who says a lifelong partner has to be romantic?
  44. 2 points
    YMBAI you grew up thinking that romantic attraction was just platonic attraction + sexual attraction, not a unique type of attraction on its own.
  45. 2 points
    YMBAI all these posts saying “imagine that your crush visits your profile everyday and wishes you were close to them” sound kind of creepy to you
  46. 2 points
    I don't know if anyone's mentioned it, but Saiki Kusuo from The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. Though, it's canon, as the character blatantly states he has zero interest in romance in the first few episodes.
  47. 2 points
    YMBAI allowing yourself to experience discomfort in romantic situations, and/or getting out of these situations actually feels liberating. I have consented to so many things I did not really want or enjoy but because I was taught that I was supposed to want and enjoy them, so I kind of sucked it up and went along with it. Sometimes because I did not know any better, sometimes because I did not want to hurt someone.
  48. 1 point
    Since the moderators are generally active now, it's been suggested that we should have a way to distinguish between Official Opinions and moderation actions and personal opinions. Going forward, official posts will be made in moderator green and regular posts will be in regular colour. This is an example post that you should pay attention to. This is my personal opinion, take it with a grain of salt.
  49. 1 point
    I'm romance-repulsed. But it's a bit more complicated than that. I'm definitely romance-repulsed, because I get uncomfortable when I think people have crushes on me and when there's this expectation that I'll engage in romantically coded behavior. But that's not always my experience when it comes to romance in media. There's no hard-and-fast rule, because it really depends on the depiction in question, but I sometimes enjoy romance and shipping and romance-focused fanfiction. Some of my favorite ships are Sunati and Austen from Always Human, Cyrus and TJ from Disney's Andi Mack, and Link and Ilia from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. I do get giddy/excited/invested/[insert typical alloromantic fandom behavior] because of the romantic content, and it sometimes becomes a second driving force for me to consume and engage the content (the first being my enjoyment of the content aside from romance). But on the other hand, if the romance feels forced, out of place, or I really didn't want to see a character paired up, it makes me uncomfortable and annoyed, sometimes to the point that I'll stop consuming the content. (Looking at you, Fantastic Beasts 2). So am I romance-repulsed? Well, yes and no. When it comes to romance that's directed at me specifically, there's no question; I am romance-repulsed. When it comes to romance in media, it depends; sometimes I'm romance-favorable, sometimes I'm romance-indifferent, and sometimes I'm romance-repulsed.
  50. 1 point
    Speaking of Disney/Pixar movies, I always see Merida from Brave as aro. The whole conflict is her not wanting to get married. Granted, you can say it's just because she's too young and not interested in any of the potential suitors etc. but I choose to see her as fundamentally uninterested in romance.
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