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Showing content with the highest reputation since 09/24/20 in Posts

  1. 11 points
    I've always struggled really hard with telling close people "I love you"-- I can tell my friends "I love you" just fine, but once I get closer to someone, this wall just comes up and I can't say it. I even struggle to say it to my family. I have a close friend with whom I have a sort of unofficial QPR (we're strictly non-romantic, she's not looking for a relationship and she knows I identify as aro, but we're still good close friends and we can cross non-platonic boundaries comfortably), and for a while I kept wanting to tell her "I love you", like I do to my other friends. But I didn't want to give her a mixed signal-- telling "her oh, hey, I'm aromantic and I don't want a relationship, and also, I love you!!!" So I couldn't tell her, and it felt kind of bad because I tell my other friends I love them all the time, and she's a really good friend so I wanted to give her that kind of love too, but I was too scared. Anyway the other day we were talking about a coworker's recent marriage and chatting about marriage in general and she said something like "I think I'd only get married for tax purposes honestly" and I just said "Oh my god, I love you so much right now," and she went one one knee and said "..... for tax purposes?" It was just so great, and I'm happy that now I've gotten past that barrier and I can give her the same kind of love I give the rest of my friends! Bwaaah!
  2. 7 points
    Hi!! Call me Coffee or Noah, pronouns they/them I JUST found out that this site exists while looking for aromantic symbols. I've been identifying as aro for about a year now and I've been out to my friends for a while, even if they don't get it that much. Every once in a while I search for aro culture because I love showing who I am and I haven't had the occasion to flaunt this part of me that much; I've been meaning to buy a white ring for a while, but I'm not sure what else I could have (besides pins and the like) to show that I am aromantic and proud! Anyway, I'm very happy to have found this community of people like me!! 💚🖤💚 I'm so exited to be part of this!!
  3. 6 points
    I think you need to ask yourself why everything coming out of your mouth on this thread is something you could read on an aspec exclusionist's discourse tumblr lmao. I could get into how aros didn't 'decide' we're privileged. I could get into the social and legal oppression we face, regardless of other labels we have. I could explain how your experiences of being bi versus being aro are just that, yours. I could try to get you to understand, as someone who only ids as aro myself, how gross it is that you assume me straight by default and how invasive it feels that you assume you're entitled to know the ins and outs of my experience with attraction. Frankly I don't think you're worth the effort. If you reflect on the hurt you're dealing to your own community, it will be because you yourself realise you're in the wrong. Let me instead tell you that I feel empowered as a queer person by opting out of sexual orientation. It's not a concept that helps me understand myself. Maybe it will one day, but for right now it just doesn't apply. I have no sexual orientation. I am not asexual. I am not anything other than aro. The fact that makes you so uncomfortable is honestly part of the appeal I'm 'just aro' as in fuck you.
  4. 5 points
    quick disclaimer: I vaguely remember there was thread a while back addressing controversy about whether aro or ace people coined the term queer/quasiplatonic relationship. I'm really not interested in continuing that conversation. If someone has brought this up before, I apologize for being redundant, but I couldn't find anything because the search bar on this website seems kinda inefficient. Also, I'm in no way implying that we have to have unified terminology as a community. Label yourself and your relationships however makes sense to you. That being said, I'm really tired of the ambiguity surrounding what "platonic" actually means. For one thing, I don't even like Plato, and for another, it's a word originally coined to simply describe love without sex/sexual desire (see here, the etymology: [link]). To me, it sounds like regardless of who came up with the idea of a qpr (like I said, not interested in that convo), platonic seems to ultimately describe allo aces in romantic relationships better than it does us. While it's true that colloquially platonic often = friendship, I think that might just be a result of a false dichotomy society created (if you're not having sex, you're "just friends"). Instead of a qpp, I might call someone an aromantic partner? Lol, I kinda wish "friends with benefits" didn't just refer to sex, but also like, domesticity, commitment, closeness, etc. The "benefit" is my need for constancy is satisfied 😂
  5. 5 points
    No, it doesn't bother me. Why is it any of my business who they are and aren't attracted to? Fuck am I, a cop? If they don't want to label that experience, then they don't have to. I also find it deeply concerning that you would assume they're straight by default...
  6. 5 points
    My guy, i think i might know how u feel. i use a microlabel on the aro spectrum (lithromantic) and my god it's annoying. I worry that I'm seeking attention or that it's fake, i worry that other people are gonna judge me or question it, it's just hard and embarrassing. Half the time i say i'm "aro-spec" because i don't want others to say "that's not a real identity" or ask "are you sure you're not just [insert other identity/condition/normal thing]?" And it also makes it hard to find others who use the same label. it sucks But i think that's a problem with other people. The idea that "microlabels" are invalid and made-up is a very right-wing idea, a demeaning and mocking way for them to bash lgbt+ people. U hear them make shitty jokes about "5941 genders" and "attack helicopters," and it's literally just a tool to discriminate. If u turn ur opponent into a laughing stock, into cringeworthy content, u reduce their power and undermine their self worth. This causes people to feel imposter syndrome, internalize the prejudice, disbelieve their own feelings, force themselves into uncomfortable labels to avoid ridicule, and be afraid to say what they're really feeling. It can cause them to hate themselves the way the oppressors hate them And unfortunately, this right-wing rhetoric exists within left-wing and lgbt spaces too. The people in my life who have said my label isn't valid have all been left-wing and/or lgbt. It's messed up. But honestly, they're wrong and they're projecting internalized homophobia onto others, because mocking or invalidating another group makes their community feel safer or more special or more valid. They're insecure and unaccepting. Legit, fuck them. Someone created ur label because they felt like u do, just like someone created the labels gay and bisexual because they needed a word to describe themselves. Labels are meant to describe feelings, not appease others. U belong to a fantastic community that is inevitably going to gain more visibility, because that's how time works. If ur able to surround urself with those people, online or even irl, and also maybe purchase a pride flag or expose urself more to ur-label-positive content, do it dude. That can encourage self acceptance and remind u that ur beautiful
  7. 5 points
    Whelp folks, I took the leap. There's only one out so far, and I'm partly using it as a way to get better at both drawing and comic-making. I'm kinda unfamiliar with Tapas, so I think it got too compressed. https://tapas.io/series/CupidsAro check it out if ye want to, feel no obligation to keep up with it 🙂 i'm currently working on a buffer!
  8. 5 points
    I think the problem is : a lot of aces want to point out that asexual doesn't mean aromantic, but they don't necessary realize that aromantic doesn't mean asexual. There is a flawed in that logic and it leads to them not realizing that you can be aromantic but not asexual.
  9. 5 points
    Interesting question. It kinda echoes to something I was thinking about yesterday (I was thinking how not practical are the words platonic and queerplatonic because they are very close but talk about different things, which create confusion, and I see it here as you talk about both of these terms). Personally, I don't really care about etymology. Words evolve and what matters is how they are used now. If we use it to mean not romantic instead of not sexual, that's the meaning now. And to be honest, even I discovers aromanticism and asexuality, I used it to mean "sexual but not romantic" and was very confused when I learned it means the contrary. That being said, I understand why people are disturbed by that. In particular aro allos. Some people can use the etymology to dismiss the right to use the term for sexual QPR, o sexual friendship. Or people can be not at ease to use these words due to their history. But if we get rid of the word platonic, what word can replace it? In French, we used English words to talk about friends with benefits, but... not these ones. We say "sex friends". And I was very confused to learn "sex friends" is not the Engish terms. French people must be more direct in their language and say things clearly instead of periphrases I suppose. 😅
  10. 5 points
    Hi! I have a friend like this and this happened to me when I came out. I think she just didn't understand so I used an analogy that I thought was accurate enough. (I don't know if every here will agree with this but it showed how I think about aromanticism.) Imagine you are in ballet and everyone is dancing. Everyone is performing the moves flawlessly while you are there so confused about what you missed. Maybe you didn't go to the rehearsals because you didn't know about them (aro), maybe you only know a few of the dance moves once in a while (grey aro), or maybe you only remember the moves when you see someone you know doing them (demi aro). (There are many more examples but I didn't write them all in) The point is you aren't going to magically remember all the dance moves and perform the dance flawlessly. The thing about this ballet is that you don't have an audience. If you don't know all the dance moves, it's ok. No one is going to judge you or shout at you. So yeah, that's basically what I told my friend and I think she understood better. Idk if this analogy will work for your friend but I hope it helps! :))
  11. 4 points
    Making judgements against the validity of people's identities is not permitted. People identifying as non-sam aro/just aro is perfectly valid, people are allowed to identify in the way that is comfortable for them. This thread is locked because it was never a productive conversation so it is best to prevent escalation.
  12. 4 points
    I thought this article about choosing friendships over romantic partners is well written and engaging.https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/10/people-who-prioritize-friendship-over-romance/616779/
  13. 4 points
    ok, here's what i would say, i dont mind whether you would use it or not. Accuracy: From the small amount of media I have seen that involves aro characters I have found it to be fairly accurate. Generally the characters behave in a way i would say is sensible and i cannot think of a moment where i have seen aro representation and thought, wow that's silly, or found a glaring problem with it. However accurate is not the same as extensive, and I definitely think it is slightly dissapointing how little aro representation have seen that explores, say allo aro experiences, or aros who enjoy romance in fiction, just showing some of the variance in aro experiences. One thing that seems to happen all the time in aro spaces is people questioning their identity simply because they have these slight variations in their aromanticsm. like, doubting because they desire sex, or shipping fictional characters, or can enjoy some actions which are often seen as romance coded. I suppose this is just a side effect of having such small amounts of representation but it can get frustrating. Amount: Having little representation in media is very annoying when it comes to explaining who you are. there is no moment where you can point to a character the person you are explaining too and say, like that. having a common reference point is really useful. I suppose the bigger point though is that it is much easier to find out about aromanticism if you hear the term than if you try hopefully searching your experience on your own. This finding out about aromanticism is really good, I reckon I would be far happier if I had found out about the identity earlier rather than going through my late teens/early 20s just thinking I could power through and make romantic love work for me. This is also something which I think has more of an impact on mental health than many give credit for. certainly I feel that my level of comfort in life was far greater after I came to terms with the idea that my lack of romantic attraction was not some terrible failure on the part of my personality. On the other hand I am in a way happy. Little representation of generally decent quality is not a bad position to be in. I would rather that than a large amount of negative representation. Lastly I suppose I am happy that representation in media is lacking rather than outright hostile, this is a much nicer situation than many identities have or have had.
  14. 4 points
    1.How do I feel about the little representation? Do I feel the representation is accurate? -Whenever I see aromantic representation, or a character has been confirmed to be aromantic, I always am really happy. From the media I've read and watched, it has been rather accurate. It's always appreciated whenever the word aromantic is used explicitly in the piece of media. A show that confirms their aromanticsm on the side is nice, but if the character says it that's the most ideal situation because it's raising awareness. I would like it if some media took more effort to show the struggles of aromantics, however. I don't want aromantics to look like gloomy people who are sad all the time, no no no. I simply want our struggles to be realized and sympathized with by others because that is something I feel like doesn't get communicated at all by most pieces of media with aromantics. We are shown as happy people who don't need romance to be happy. And while that can be true, it's not always true! Many aromantics often struggle to find their place in a world that so highly prizes romance and I want that to be shown and understood. It'd also be nice to show a range of romance repulsed to positive aros. I haven't seen many romance repulsed aros in the media, probably because they would receive more negative reactions from the viewers. Basically I'd like to see more varied aromantic representation. (Ya it's cool to use my comments on this project. I hope my thoughts are concise enough!)
  15. 4 points
    So I know that in the US today is National Coming Out Day and I’ve seen a ton of posts about “Love is Love” and “No love is wrong”. And don’t get me wrong, I completely agree and think that it’s all amazing, but am I the only one that gets kind of upset because everyone associates the LGBTQ+ community with “letting people love whoever they want”? I feel like everyone just thinks that it’s all about letting people marry and love when there’s also all of the aro, ace, enby, and trans communities who’s LGBTQ-ness is not about who they love. So is it just me?
  16. 4 points
    I think the question here is "Is it okay if you mistake aromanticism for x/identify as aromantic because of y?". The same question could be asked about being too young, many people in the forum have expressed their worries about identifying as arospec only because they're kids or teens and haven't had the time to experience romantic attraction yet. Arospecs and many other members of the queer community feel the need to constantly prove themselves to the world, prove that they aren't just confused, too young to know for sure, mentally ill, etc. But I think that you can identify as arospec no matter what your reasons are, as long as it makes you feel better, it's okay; and even if later on you decide that the label doesn't suit you, the time that you spent identifying as aro still matters, because at the time that was what was TRUE TO YOU.
  17. 4 points
    To be frank with you, i would call them a "close friend" probably. I mean, i am already disturbing the norms so why a friend could not be that? I like the word. C'est mes amis, mes potos. I am generally disinterested from qpr (no offense to anyone of course) and the "who was first" debate is...meh. Not one i will fight for. I used to be in the need of specific labels, but right now i am just... Eh 🤷‍♂️ But yes, the etymology is another debate. Peoples use it to describe a non romantic relationship, but norms are norms and they often think about no sex with it. I think.
  18. 4 points
    Heyo! I'm a 22 year old greyro ace who stole my name off a very angry package of oat milk. I've been stalking around the aros on tumblr for a while but never took the step to make an account here until now. I'm not sure why, because I've always considered my arospec identity to be a much larger part of who I am than my asexuality. It feels like my lack of romantic attraction and my lack of wanting a relationship is a lot more difficult for people to accept and understand than other parts of me. Like people have been taught that you always need to respect someone's sexual boundaries, but if you don't want to hold someone's hand?????? You're really stretching people's capacity of dealing with your weirdness. I've been carrying all my thoughts about this alone for far too long so now I'm going to let them loose on the forums! I'm not really a forum person, the only other one I've been on is AVEN, and I am so sick of it. There are too many people on there that are just straight-up vile, and that's not even counting in all the amatonormativity, gatekeeping and other shit that goes on. I saw that there were plans to join with them to keep this site running but that it got voted down because other members have also had bad experiences with them, so I hope I will feel more at home here! It's so isolating to not know anyone who understands how I feel, even if I have good friends who like me for who I am. Anyway, I'm excited to get to know you all!
  19. 4 points
    I haven't been aware of my aro-ness long enough to really get into conversations around it with my irl friends. Particularly because I'm still under almost complete social isolation outside of the internet for health/safety reasons. (although granted, I have had the "well, I'm not into relationships/dating" sort of half-conversations with them occasionally before, but I didn't have words for what I was describing at the time) Weirdly, I have had quite a few "well, aro..." sort of conversations with my mother lately? I've not had a full definition conversation with her, but since I get at least some of my aro traits from her and we've always been close, whenever the baffling topics of romance (and sex, since I'm ace too) come up it just ends up happening.
  20. 4 points
    this one is such a mood.
  21. 3 points
    I've spent so long wishing for a relationship that I didn't realise romance actually kinda sucks. I thought a romantic partner would be cool, but I only ever fantasised about scenarios in which we'd be rebellious and go out and do crazy stuff bc that's all romanticised in movies, never just lying around cuddling in bed (the weird ideal allos seem to obsess over) which, first off just sounds sweaty n gross, and also so boring I'd probably be forced to jump out the window in search of an escape lmaoo. I'm a stimulation seeker not looking for romance haha, so after the beginning with the hormones havin a rave is over i'd lose interest. Thinking about it i'd be the WORST boyfriend; I hate people being clingy, I lose interest in things way too quick, I hate being touched in 90% of cases, and my personality changes monthly p much, so chances are one of us nopes tf out. Ik I sound like an awful person but i'm actually a p decent guy rip (blame my adhd) Also I haven't been on here in a while so i'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, I just wanted to get some thoughts out
  22. 3 points
    Is it possible to be aroace and lesbian at the same time? I'm not interested in sex or romance in any way, but I still feel attracted to women pretty strongly in a platonic (sometimes queerplatonic) and aesthetic way. What does this make me?
  23. 3 points
    Lesbians experience attraction to womxn, and that extends beyond romantic and sexual attraction. As was mentioned above, "oriented" aroaces are those who experience some other attraction that is strong enough to cause them to identify with something other than aroace. Platonic and alterous attractions are commonly at play in those scenarios! "Angled" aroace is a related term for those who are grey-, demi-, or some other aroace-spectrum identity. I'll use myself as an example - I'm greyromantic and grey-ace, but when I do experience attraction its towards any gender, so I'm bi (angled) aroace. In those situations people may also say grey-bisexual or bi/grey aroace.
  24. 3 points
    Reassuring others. When members of their own community keep shitting on them, it's good for people to see others acknowledging what scaldingly cold takes those are. For every dipshit who thinks it's cool to gatekeep, I want people to know that there's still those out there who recognize that gatekeepers don't deserve anything more than a Wayne's World meme. Hope all the non-SAM aros and aces out there are having a good day! Y'all keep kicking ass!
  25. 3 points
    Yes, in fact, I am a community activist who has spoken at World Pride and an active member of TAAAP. Thank you for asking!
  26. 3 points
    Hello i use only "aro", am not because i am privilegiate at all (sometime i id as aro allo, it's complex but i have the right) and i think that you should let peoples identify as they wish, you assume too much about them. Peoples can be "only ace" or "only aro" and it's not just bc they are privilegiate. There is many possible reasons. It's not because they are het. In fact, i find it disrespectful of you to slap "het" on someone who don't label their own orientation. I don't label my sexual orientation bc it's blury and i CHOOSE to not. And it's fine. It's not bc i am questionning. As a non binary "only aro", let me tell you that you are wrong on all the line there. Sorry if i get annoyed too, but wow. Hope you understand why it's not great If you get annoyed at peoples for an harmless self label, then it's on you. It's about us, how we decide for our own label. Not about you.
  27. 3 points
    Careful with that. Many trans and/or non binary peoples don't like it, as it often slip into fetishism. And it's better to use "transgender" than "transexual" for the whole community (even if some trans peoples use it, which is fine). Something about the etymology too? There is also the matter of separating trans men and women from cis men and women with their gender whish is...not great.
  28. 3 points
    Like you, I relate to barely any "common" aro experiences. I actually love romance. I read romance stories, I ship fictional characters, I'm not at all uncomfortable with PDAs. I didn't even start thinking about my romantic orientation until I was 24 because I didn't experience any sense of being "different" from any of my friends, plenty of them didn't really date due to concentrating on studies and career. None of that makes me any less aromantic though, I still don't experience romantic attraction, I still don't want a romantic relationship.
  29. 3 points
    To be honest what you write about not sharing some common aro experiences has very little to do with whether you are aro.that main problem you write about fits in fine with being aro. fine with romance stories, plenty of aros are. fine with shipping, plenty of aros are. didn't feel pressured to get into a relationship, theres a fair few aros in that situation as well, it just depends on your upbringing. the key questions are about whether you experience romantic attraction. Also not feeling like you are different from those around you does not mean you are alike. I do not know how old you are now but I can read that school is a thing from your past. not many people from that age would say the last time they wanted a relationship was aged 9. So no worries, doubting your aromanticism is fine but the fact that you dont share common aro experience doesnt invalidate you.
  30. 3 points
    I'm like that too. Though a lot of aros are romance repulsed, some aros are not. My friends didn't talk a lot about crushes. Except some game we play as teen, I was asked only once who my crush once. My friends didn't talk about crushes and didn't date. It changes now that I'm older but most people I know now are already in couple so we don't talk about attraction. Also even if discovering my aro identity changed it a bit, I don't mind romance in fiction, if it's not amatonormative. I can ship people too even if I'm not crazy about it. I even write romance in my fiction. I like that. I didn't realize I was different from people around me too. That's more linked to my ace side but it could have been the same with aro : I was very surprised to discover that people actually feel sexual attraction frequently. I thought I was in the norm. Though I didn't think about it for romantic attraction because we talk less about it (or at least on these terms), it never occurs to me that I was not in the norm. That's why I discover my identity when I discovered the words I think. Because before I didn't realize most of people were different. There is a lot of was to experience aromanticism. What unites us is the lack of attraction (in multiple forme for the grey area), but then, our relationship to this lack and the consequences differ for everyone. So don't doubt your identity because you can't relate to everything you heard.
  31. 3 points
    Feelings are valid and don't have to make sense. To me your feelings make sense because losing touch with any emotion (even a "negative" one like loneliness) is a form of loss and could be making you feel "less human". I experience "emotional flatlining" where my emotions are muted or delayed, and on the one hand I like not dealing with emotions //which is possibly why this is happening //, on the other hand I feel like I "ought to fix" my emotional health. It's not a perfect comparison and I don't have an answer, but you aren't alone. I recently found the word aplatonic and I love it. (There's 3+ definitions out there, and I sort of mush multiple definitions together for myself.) There's certainly that voice of doubt going "Really Char? You think it's okay to not have any kind of deeper human connection?". But this is about being happy. Yes, a deep human connection with someone is a piece of being happy for many, but feeling obligated to fake or seek out deep connections wasn't making me happy. I'll just have to find happiness elsewhere
  32. 3 points
    This is an attempt to form a megathread, a union of the aroaces across this site. Come here to chat, to share your experiences, send memes, and plot your villainous schemes while the others are busy falling in love/having sex. With this, the alien invasion can truly begin, MWAHAHA! On a more serious note, a discussion about aromanticism in relation to asexuality made me realize we do not have a dedicated space to talk about our own experiences, so I'm making one! Feel free to talk about anything you want here. Aroallos and others are welcome as well!
  33. 3 points
    I don't really know if it's transphobic tbh? If it is because the things that you said (not seeimg them fully as men and therefore not seeimg them as potential partners) then yes, absolutely, but it could also be that these particular men are just not your type? It can be really hard to leave the transphobic point of view we usually grow up with and hold trans people to the same level and expectations as cis people (I am agender and I struggle with this quite a lot). Smth I do is imagine scenarios of the thing that I have trouble processing and I imagine a cis person doing it, and then I imagine a trans person doing it and I tell my brain that there's no difference. Obviously that's an oversimplification: there IS a difference between trans and cis people, as they would have different experiences and would be prone to doing different things, but that's how it is with everyone, so really it's not that big of a deal if it happens to be a trans person. Of course, in a sexual situation the difference would take a major rol, I think, so I cannot really help you there. But maybe if little by little you start holding trans men to the same standards as cis men (not only in romantic or sexual scenarios, but in everyday life), a change could be made. Also, it's absolutely okay if you never get a crush on a trans man, you can't really choose the ways of the heart, after all (I've learnt that the hard way lol). In any way, it is really cool of you to ask this and actively try to make yourself a better person, I wish you luck in your dilemma! 💛
  34. 3 points
    You are not the only one. And "No love is wrong" is badly phrased.🤦‍♀️
  35. 3 points
    Why wouldn't it? People have all kinds of reasons for dressing the way they do. If dressing a certain way makes you happy sometimes: go for it. If someone else doesn't like it, that says more about their issues than yours.
  36. 3 points
    I definitely can relate to being frustrated with not being able to understand something in general. But I think it comes down to different types of understanding. There's intellectually understanding something, abstract understanding, and the kind of understanding that can only come from experience. For romance, I've settled for abstract and intellectual understanding. I know it's an attraction, I know common beliefs/philosophies about it, I know how people often behave or expect to behave in it, I know it means a lot to many people. And sometimes I can, in a roundabout way, connect to elements of it, but mostly not. So I go by observation and anecdotes to understand it as best I can given my experiences or lack thereof. I don't know if that's helpful or applicable to your situation, but I do think it's good to try and make peace with certain gaps of knowledge as wildly irritating and unsatisfying as that can be (I am...very pro seeking knowledge in general lol, but for certain things you gotta cut your losses)
  37. 3 points
    Yes, maybe it will help you to use less definite language. Like saying "I don't want to date right now"
  38. 3 points
    I would like to personally challenge my non-aro ace friends to stop thinking that I, a non-ace aro, am like them and share their interests. I don't understand, they know I'm not ace?? And you'd think bc of their orientations they'd know that aro and ace aren't the same thing and yet?? No, I will write sex in my fiction thank you very much. No, strangely when I was brainstorming what word to put on the back of my jean jacket "ACE" didn't make the list. No, the ace pin you bought me isn't a good gift and no matter how embarrassed you are rn blurting "its close enough" doesn't work in your defence. Like?? I get that they want to share shit and relate to me, we're friends. And I get that despite being able to feel romantic attraction none of them are really all that involved in romance atm so I guess they conflate the two in their minds, but also, why do I have to go through this. Think for a second? Stop including me in your ace shit? Its funny, but you never include anyone else in the group who isn't ace in these ace-centric thoughts. Fuck the look on their faces every time, they catch themselves before I've even said anything and realise the mistake they've made. Yeah, you forgot my identity again. Nice job. This post sounds so bitter and that's bc its a rant lmao, my friends are great otherwise. It is ironic tho that all my queer allo friends are better with my aro identity than my ace friends.
  39. 3 points
    Hello. This is going to be a really long post so I am sorry. I am seamonster and I have just started learning about different romantic orientations. I am not asexual but I think I might be aromantic. I am forty years old. I have never been married, have never lived with anyone and have never had a strong desire to do either of those things. I experience other forms of attraction (sexual, intellectual, etc) but don't know if I experience romantic attraction. I grew up in a very religious and conservative family where I was taught that getting married and being a wife was the "job" a woman was supposed to do. And that is largely how I have always viewed dating: As a job and a chore that I feel pressured into doing and am not really into for its own sake. I was also taught that someday I would meet "the one" and the feelings I would have for that person would be the greatest thing I could ever experience or have happen to me. So I spent years dating on and off. Some people I liked, others I didn't and I was much more attracted to some of them than I was to others. But I never met "the one". Meanwhile all of my cousins got married one by one and they all had families and I started to become more and more of the odd one out. By my late twenties I started to think that something was just wrong with me and that I was doing something wrong. So I started ordering books off Amazon about how to meet people, how to attract people, how to have the right kind of relationship. Finally I decided that maybe my standards were just too high and I should just be with someone. (This is not something I recommend for anyone.) I got into a relationship with the next guy who showed interest in me and it was the worst experience of my life. I was not sexually attracted to this person and could not stand to be intimate with him. I actually hated it when he would make the typical romantic gestures because I would find them cringey and they would make me feel really uncomfortable. I spent all of my time around him feeling bored, uncomfortable or grossed out. I did that for probably too long before I just couldn't take it any more and broke up with him. After that I met someone else who I did feel sexually attracted to and we had a much better relationship for a while. Unfortunately he had issues of his own and we had a cycle of breaking up and getting back together and I knew he wasn't "the one" that I was supposed to be looking for. Around this time I started to come more to terms with being bisexual and with being attracted to women as well. So I decided that maybe that was the problem. I changed my tactics, started dating women instead and kept looking for this person I was supposed to find. I stopped hoping for someone I loved the same way I love music and dogs and started settling for people I could stand instead. I still did not find "the one" and one of the ex-girlfriends I did have turned out to be a really toxic person in the end. This all came to a head when I turned forty. Our culture stigmatizes being forty and alone and I went through a terrible period of self hate because of it. That is when you really start to look for explanations for what is wrong with you. I never knew it was possible to be aromantic until recently and even then I didn't think it described me because I have other types of attraction and feelings for people. But when I started watching YouTube videos and reading the accounts of other people I was shocked at how well I could relate to them. So now I am more open to the idea I might just be aro.
  40. 3 points
    I suspect it's a part of the way in which omantic and sexual are often packaged and conflated. If anything the concept of "aspec" is part of the problem here.
  41. 3 points
    I will never understand why so many people seem to put aromantic and asexual in the same box, it makes absolutely no sense. The existence of the term "aspec" which includes both aromantic and asexual identities is confusing. And I say this as an aroace person who cannot perceive them as separate orientations in myself.
  42. 3 points
    Well, you can't really help who you get attracted to. It might be some unconscious prejudice that causes it though, but that doesn't really change the fact you have no sexual or romantic desire for them. And I definitely don't think you're fetishizing them. It could also be that those particular 3 trans guys just felt more like friends to you.
  43. 3 points
    Internet can be very violent on these subjects because people are anonymous and we don't know them. Hopefully, if you tell people you care about irl, they will express it differently. That being said, it doesn't mean people you know won't be arophobic. Comments like "you'll find the one someday", "but you will live your life alone", "you can't know for sure", "does it me you don't like me", "so you want one-night stand" (for allosexuals), "you are just afraid of commitment"... Things like that. They won't say it in a agressive tone, but it will be as offensive and invalidating. Now that this is said, people can also have a good reaction. I see people be supportive or curious. You can't really know how someone will react before you come out.
  44. 3 points
    This is more in regards for ace, but I think it transfers. There's this analogy I got from a youtube video about aceness, and they said it's like having all the food you could possibly want spread out in a table in front of you, but you're not hungry. And everyone else is eating around you and offering you food but you don't want it. Maybe that can help describe what you were feeling about the romance song.
  45. 3 points
    It was the same for me. I had friends who never even mentioned crushes, and we would laugh about how silly our 1 friend who was really into dating was acting. I didn't feel "different" at all. Then at uni the social culture shifted so that there was just far less emphasis on sex and relationships in general. Plenty of people didn't show much sign of dating, those that did where quiet about it, again I felt perfectly normal in not being interested in relationships, though this was the stage where I realised that I was asexual.
  46. 3 points
    I know right. I have one friend who has had a series of bad relationships and hates being single, and the only thing I can ever think of to say to him is "Seriously mate, forget having a girlfriend, get a cat." and everyone thinks I'm joking 😅
  47. 3 points
    Hi! The way I deal with the questions is by saying that I am interested in my studies first, after that, only the future will tell. For the matchmaking I would go and say that if the person that you are matchmaking me can't help me fulfill my goals, then I am not interested. Thus you get a chance to change the subject by speaking of your plans for the future. People have very short memory when it comes to this kind of things, so redirecting convos is easier and asking about their plans works wonders (people like to speak of themselves) Now, in my experience, I say outright that I am not looking for a relationship at the moment and I ask them about their lives. But people not always like that answer and try to question me, and then I pass to ask them if they are hitting on me which then makes them uncomfortable as hell which I love and then ask them nicely about series of netflix. Which then they go to and don't bother me ^^.
  48. 3 points
    I'm currently playing a bard in my dnd campaign and he's busy with, you know, trying to save the world, so there's not a single thought in my mind to ever flirt with anyone. But then I was told that it's common knowledge the bard is "supposed to" seduce everyone and I was like "ooohhh.....yeah, I don't want to do that". We ended up having a heated discussion about it where I said that I've never flirted with anyone in my whole life and I'm not about to start now, and these people retorted that dnd is my "chance to do that"! As if everyone obviously has some deeply rooted want for romance even when they have explicitly told you about their aromanticism. Another Aromantic Moment(tm) was when my character ended up under a spell so that everyone was super attracted to him and I was so uncomfortable. I knew that they were just roleplaying attraction to a character that's not even me but god did I want it to end. I have no idea how to deal with that and it just sort of made me realise how different I am. Like, what would I have done if someone else had gotten the spell put on them? I wouldn't be able to continue acting like normal without feeling really put on the spot and having to start a conversation about how my character is aroace even though I never told the DM about that because it never struck me as something relevant!
  49. 3 points
    This was the thing we did. You'd make a mark on the slider. I think the idea was that it was a spectrum like romantic attraction and sexual attraction. I just put a mark all the way on feminine for the top row and left the bottom row blank, bc at the time I had no clue. The group leader also said that she wasn't really sure what the difference was between romantic and sexual attraction, and I, still having no clue what I was talking about, said that I "liked the look of boys but I'd rather marry a girl because they're easier to be friends with." Our leader just gave me a weird look. Looking back, this was probably the most aro thing I'd done.
  50. 3 points
    In middle school someone asked me what I wanted my wedding to be like, and I was so confused about why they would be planning a wedding in seventh grade.
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