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  1. Today
  2. 1. Honestly I just want variety. Aro guys, girls, enbys, allos, aces, anything goes. Same variety with genres too—fantasy, sci-fi, contemporary, you name it. I would love a story where a character is just... aro. It's not a big deal, it's not a major plot point. We're far away from that but I would love to see it someday. 2. Loveless by Alice Oseman is one of my top aro book recommendations! The main character is aro ace, and there is a gay ace side character and a (minor, sadly) aro bi one too. For anyone looking for aro book recs, aroace author Claudie Arseneault made a handy database (https://www.obvibase.com/p/N7SD6v1F4mrVBWzV/?location={"type"%3A"table"%2C"databaseId"%3A"N7SD6v1F4mrVBWzV"%2C"queryPath"%3A{"recordPath"%3A[]%2C"columnPath"%3A["1"]}}) for this exact purpose! Besides that, there isn't much unfortunately. Proper representation would really help our visibility.
  3. Yesterday
  4. Maybe have allo(romantic) characters who are portrayed as shallow, manipulative, abusive or creepy towards an aro lead.
  5. What matters to me is that so many activities are romantic coded.
  6. Does the movie character self-identify as aromantic? Has the movie character been stated to be aromantic? Does the movie character constantly get assumed to be asexual? Does the movie character struggle with feeling like they don't belong? Does the movie character struggle with feeling like they're a monster for their attraction? Is the movie character told they're a monster? Does the movie character feel sick every time they hear the phrase "love is what makes us human"? Does the movie character have to choose between fulfilling their sexual desires, putting themselves in a romantic situation which makes them deeply uncomfortable, or entering an outright dangerous environment? Does the movie character constantly have to affirm their identity to others, who are determined to make them "grow out" of their own soul? Does the movie character get told that they should not seek support for the discrimination that they face, and that their identity is TMI? Be sarcastic all you want, but frankly? ANYONE who has the wisdom not to compare a marginalized group to fictional sex offenders is wiser than you. I will not be continuing this conversation any further, as frankly I am sick and tired of trying to explain to people that as an allosexual aromantic queer woman I am not equivalent to a straight man who likes having a lot of sex, but I encourage you to reflect on your biases and think about why it is that you believe that's what we are.
  7. They might be "between relationships". There are also allos for whom promiscuity is their method to "find the one(TM)". It's a fictional cliché, maybe one which only makes sense in an amantonormative culture. Leaving aside the (cis) hetero stereotypes of this both of the characters involved have to be allo. Even allos tend to see romantic behaviour from people they are not romantically attracted to as creepy.
  8. There is also self perpetuation involved here. Something is unusual about the ace community is recognition of variorientation. Whilst in straight, LGBTQ+ and even many aro (and aspec) communities periorientation is assumed as a default. With it even being possible to find LGBTQ+ and aspec communities which variorientation is somehow an "ace thing". (It's also commonly the case with kink, polyamory, relationship anarchy, etc communities are "perinormative.) It's very hard to find information about aro-allos even when you know the right terms to look for. Even then it's still easier to turn up aro-ace and (even) allo-ace writings.
  9. I think she was expressing the fact that not all representation is good representation. A male character who isn’t ready for commitment is seen as immature until a particular woman comes along and ties him down. Writers could be basing that trope off of real life people who *might* actually be aro, but they aren’t writing the character with that in mind. So it’s not representation at all, really. Regardless, since it’s a negative trope, it has potential to impact how a person perceives someone who is aro and allosexual. They might not take the orientation seriously, think they need to grow up, and assume they have an unhealthy sex life, which often couldn’t be further from the truth. Also, please, there’s no need to get defensive. We’re all friends here but if you say something that suggests a negative generalization of a person’s identity, expect to be corrected. And no one is suggesting that we youngins are smarter or wiser than you. Lifelong learning, right?
  10. Ok, wise one who knows who I talk to... How do you personally know the difference between a movie character who is just at a life stage and might one day become romantic, and a genuinely aromantic person (assuming here that they don't otherwise just blatantly announce that they're aromantic or just in a phase.) I don't think there's anyway to know for sure, no matter who I have or have not talked to.
  11. Those guys aren't necessarily aromantic, just in a stage in their lives where they want sex but not romance. "Too busy having fun to have a relationship" =/= aromantic. "Not ready for commitment yet" =/= aromantic. However I think this misconception may be part of why aromantic people are underrepresented, because it is totally normal for some people to not be interested in a relationship for reasons other than being aromantic, especially when they're young. Plenty of people are too busy with studies or their career, don't want commitment when their futures are uncertain, are scared of commitment in itself, simply have other priorities in their life etc. and I think some aromantic people may think that is the case for them, think that the reason they don't want romantic relationships is they are just not ready or in the right stage of their life just yet. Not wanting sex is pretty hard to overlook once you reach an age where "late bloomer" isn't an option, not wanting romance may be something that many people don't even notice as an issue until much later, or find it much easier to put aside as "things will change when I'm not overwhelmed by work I'm sure".
  12. I know right. I have one friend who has had a series of bad relationships and hates being single, and the only thing I can ever think of to say to him is "Seriously mate, forget having a girlfriend, get a cat." and everyone thinks I'm joking 😅
  13. No I don't wish I was alloromantic. I like being aro and I am proud of my identity. Being allo seems like a pain in the ass and leads to a lot of heart ache. To be fair, there are instances where romantic love works out, but even that seems like a lot of work and a hassle. I felt so much better knowing that I did not need to deal with any of that once I figured out that I was aro and realized that it wasn't in the cards for me.
  14. If you really believe that, you've never actually spoken to one of us.
  15. Is it really that hard to find aro men who are interested in sex but not love? When I was younger in college that was pretty much the standard stereotypical definition of a man -- horny but not interested in romance. They were everywhere, and driving the women crazy (in a bad way, usually.) They didn't have a club or see it as an identity (Well, "player" maybe, but it wasn't a sexual orientation back then, it was just being horny and not into love.) It sounds like it's somehow evolved into something much more complicated than "I don't give a shit about romance," which 20 years ago, no one blinked an eye at it. That was perfectly normal. I'm really stunned at these stories. The world has somehow changed so much. Being bullied for not being into love and romance? Bullies have _really_ changed. When I was a teen it was far more likely that some swaggering macho jerk would bully someone FOR being romantic. Anyway, in college, disagreeing with a professor once in a while is normal and healthy. That for me was the biggest difference between college and high school where free thought was not tolerated. It doesn't just have to do with romance, it could be a disagreement over anything. It's a good thing, shows you've got an individual personality. I disagreed with a huge number of my professors, Ithink they actually wanted to provoke disagreement sometimes.
  16. An embrace can be weirdly comforting, without sex or romance. It'd be fun to have that every day/night. For whatever reason, I do not desire nor get anything from cuddles with men, so my platonic guy buddies aren't the solution. One or two other people sharing a bed with me affectionately without judgement, sex, or excessive romantic needs sounds fascinating. But it's remarkably difficult to find people like that.
  17. I really love the idea of someone being madly in love with me, it feels incredibly good. It's the sort of relationship I'd love to be in. But it's not fair if I can't reciprocate the feeling, so, that sucks. But I've never seen any phobia, harassment, hostility, pressure or lack of privilege from my sexuality so that much hasn't impacted me. No one seems to care, at all, about who I am with or not with. Being in love is, alternatively, the most wonderful, or the most painful experience for allos. When it works, it's better than anything else on the Earth and when it hurts it apparently feels like dying. It's why all so much music is about love, it's that wonderful and powerful. I want that, a passion that beats every other passion by far. I don't have anywhere near that level of joy and passion as it stands.
  18. why would anyone want romance when they could have a cat, I will never understand
  19. Sometimes I used to, but now no. I hate the conversations with family asking me when I will get a girlfriend (I can brush them off but I hate the effort). I hate the fact that it took a long while for me to accept that to want sex without the attachment of romance did not make me an automatically terrible person I hate the amount of people I drifted from at school because I was uncomfortable with them pressuring me to find love or insulting me for not seeming phased by it but with so many dice to roll I was bound to have a few things about me that were different from the norm. Being aro is not that much of a problem now I am an adult and has started to become a part of me. I think the idea of wishing I were allo seems to me to be wishing to replace me with a 'normal person', a more boring, robot like copy of me
  20. Last week
  21. I got the okay! It would be acceptable for aroaces to use it. (They also suggested the terms ay, reidem, and nullic/nullative, if anyone’s interested )
  22. I'm a little late to the party and I don't have an answer, but I wanted to chip in my two cents in solidarity-- I was way more aware of the asexual community than I ever was of the aromantic one-- I knew that asexuality was a valid identity (I also knew I definitely wasn't asexual) and I sort of viewed aromanticism as some not-really-real microlabel to describe someone's personal preferences, rather than an actual orientation. (I was maybe 16 or 17 at the time, and had already come to terms with being bi, so I'm well aware it was an unhealthy viewpoint and have since definitely changed my mind.) It wasn't until I went through a lot of relationship-related hardships that I remembered that term that I used to know, and I looked it up again and realized there was an actual legitimate community of people. Their experiences matched up with mine and I realized that "aroallo" was, yknow, a thing. And I was that thing. If I'd known about it as a serious identity and community sooner, well, I don't know what would have happened. Maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe I'd still have a few friends that I lost. I'm not sure.
  23. I don't think so. Yes, sometimes I think it would be either to be hetero. In particular for someone like me who wants kids. But would I change my aroness if I could? I don't think so. Or for one day, for curiosity. I just don't see what romance would bring in my life. Am I missing something? Maybe. But I am not lacking something. (ok, don't know if in English this distinction works as it does in my head). It's like, I don't know, someone who doesn't like chocolate : this person would miss something that I think is amazing, but if this person hates the taste of chocolate, what does he misses except discomfort? He doesn't need chocolate to be happy. Same with romance : a lot of people love it and look for it, but it doesn't mean it is inherently good or necessary to have a meaningful life. As I said, I don't see what romance would bring to my life. If I didn't know it exists, the idea of looking for it must have never crosses my mind. I have other things that I care about.
  24. Even assuming five types of attraction that still gives, at least. thirty one possibilities.
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