Fears

[Cassiopeia]

3 hours ago, RedNeko said:

Ah, but if you were ace you still might have that problem, not all aces have no sex drive

That is sorted, my libido is usually quite low anyway.

[Dodecahedron314]

I'm really lucky on the "forever alone" front because my QPP is grayro, but because there's very little chance we'll be able to interact much IRL until we're out of college (our schools are about 1100 miles apart), I worry that we'll grow apart and then when I graduate I'll be left with no one because all my other friends are alloromo (though one is questioning grayro, but they're graduating this year so I don't know that we'll stay in contact). It's not necessarily the knowledge that unless I'm secretly demi or something I'll never feel anything romantic that's the problem...it's just that friendship is one of the best things in the world to me, and it worries me how everybody generally says that friends are less and less of a thing as you age and everybody starts getting married. I'm not at the point in life at which that sort of thing starts happening quite yet, but I know it's coming, and sometimes I do worry about it (and the thought of having to attend all of those weddings as a romance-repulsed aro is nerve-wracking as well).

 

I don't know, a lot of the time I wonder if it's weird how important my friends are to me, and I worry that it would come off as clingy if I were more open about it. Sometimes I get the feeling that people mean a lot more to me than I do to them. 

 

Wow, that wound up being way more of a long, rambling rant than I anticipated...

[omitef]

I'm terrified that my squish and I will grow apart, or that my squish will turn out not to be aroace and end up choosing to abandon/reduce the intimacy of our friendship for her future partner. I'm afraid that I'll spend the rest of life forcing myself to date, because I want intimacy and sex. I'm scared that I'll have to be closeted about my aro identity forever, because people think that lithromanticism is a tumblr identity.  

[Namakemono]

I get super paranoid around people who I think are flirting or hitting on me. Like, to the point I outright ignore and run away from the person whenever they show up. A few times I even had small anxiety attacks.

 

People have called me vain/conceited/narcissistic for that, which doesn't help at all. It's not as if I want them to have crushes on me, because I certainly do not. I just can't help that way of thinking. 

 

 

[Cassiopeia]

I'm also worried about how my mental health affects my orientation. I do know that depression and anxiety does things to people's libidos, and I have felt it too.

Sometimes I question if that messes with the source of romantic feelings as well. What was first, the aromanticism or the depression? Am I depressed because of what society put me through because of my identity? What if is a symptom?

 

Of course, rationally I know that people who are depressed fall in love every day, and frankly, if every depressed person was aro, people would know about it. Also, I'm not depressed all the time.

So yeah, its silly, but I'm still worried about it.

Its a funny feeling when you know you can't trust your own brain functions.

[Namakemono]

3 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

I'm also worried about how my mental health affects my orientation. I do know that depression and anxiety does things to people's libidos, and I have felt it too.

Sometimes I question if that messes with the source of romantic feelings as well. What was first, the aromanticism or the depression? Am I depressed because of what society put me through because of my identity? What if is a symptom?

 

100% on this. I can't tell which manifested first: my depression and anxiety, or my aromanticism. Did my depression/anxiety cause my aromanticism? Or did the aromaticism cause my depression/anxiety? The world may never know.

[Jade]

[Content Warning: Descriptions of mental illness, past suicidality, heavily manipulative behavior motivated by fear and mental illness]

 

I have some sort of personality disorder (either Dependent, Borderline, or -NOS) and, well, I have ridiculous abandonment issues. I've always been incredibly incredibly attached to close friends, but as I've gotten older, I've been in so, so much pain around the idea that they'll leave me for romantic partners. I also do have the need, divorced from romance, to be someone's "number one". While I'm quite stable and doing okay now (thanks to a wonderful qpp, some vaguely decent meds, and a truly incredible therapist), I have in the past threatened to kill myself over my two closest friends leaving me (with one, it was "if you kill yourself I'll kill myself too because I can't live without you", and with one it was "if you leave me for your girlfriend I'll kill myself because I can't live without you"; while I am no longer friends with the first, neither are dead, and neither am I, so...that's a win, I guess?). I'm no longer suicidal at all, so no worries there, but I'm still incredibly, paralyzingly terrified of being left alone. Add this to the fact that I have more mental illnesses than I do self-care skills (can't consistently: cook, wash myself, do work, look normal/presentable; can consistently: have panic attacks, psychotic breaks, depressive episodes) and that I don't know if I'll ever really be able to achieve independence, and so my dependence on others gets even more intense, which tends to drive them away more (the stronger I feel about someone, the weirder and creepier it makes me--unless it's romantic, then it's "cute"!). Right now I have a qpp who I hope to live with in the future, and she respects me as a possible life partner, but she has a girlfriend and I can't shake that doubt that she'll leave me like most people leave their high school friends. I have a strong need for human connection, despite being introverted, and I need to be taken care of (there's that DPD again!), so I really do want/need some sort of living situation with friends when I grow up. I do also have a sex drive, although I've pretty much resigned myself to either being celibate or having one-night stands occasionally. Although the "poor self-care skills" makes me kind of an undesirable sexual partner, so the celibacy is probably more realistic  I also panic when people have crushes on me, because it is a lot of pressure that I know I, as an unstable aromantic, cannot really live up to, and crushes aren't something I can really avoid, especially if I want to be live with, be friends with and/or have sex with other people, something that the majority of allos have trouble maintaining as "platonic". I like to hope that I'll be recovered enough that I won't need these things, but that's.. well, it's not exactly realistic, even if worrying about the alternative is really only making me worse at this point.

 

tldr i have a lot of fears about growing up aromantic and mentally ill, mostly about being alone, abandoned, seen as second-best, and being unable to take care of myself, and they're all really big and i don't really know how to deal with them.

[omitef]

6 hours ago, Namakemono said:

I get super paranoid around people who I think are flirting or hitting on me. Like, to the point I outright ignore and run away from the person whenever they show up. A few times I even had small anxiety attacks.

 

I can relate to this 100%. If I think someone might be hitting on me I immediately shut them down using any method possible. I'll pretend they don't exist when they try to talk to me, I'll even lie and say I'm taken (which is partially true because I have a mutual squish and we're not formally in a qpp).

[aussiekirkland]

I feel like I'm pretty lucky that I've never had to worry about this with my friends. My closest friends at the moment are O, K and @brsajo

 

O is bi but isn't interested in/looking for a relationship in the near future. She's focusing on her study and her friends (K and I )

 

K is very Straight(TM) but isn't looking for a serious relationship and is also prioritising her study and friends

 

@brsajo is hanging out with me on an aromantic forum so I feel like that speaks for itself haha

 

So yeah I've always been drawn to people who prioritise their friends, I don't have time for people who don't have time for me. It's often that simple *shrugs*

[AroArtisan]

Yesterday, I had a former close acquaintance/coworker basically flat out tell me, "Sorry, but I'm going to ignore you when I'm with my husband because I'm too busy to talk to you.  But I"m not with him now so we can talk!"  I walked away and left her there.

I can't imagine being like this.  To me it's beyond rude to not acknowledge other people simply because you're with someone.  So I understand completely when aros need to vent that they are dumped for the significant other.  I understand I'm not Number One but to completely dump people and pick them up when you're not with someone?  Rude.  I won't deal with people like that.

That said, I don't worry about being alone, I worry about paying my bills and keeping my house.  I'm in retail which pays absolutely nothing, I'm in retail because of an awful childhood/yound adulthood, and I have no direction because I simply hate people and hate everything.  I have no friends, and they don't really help with this anyway.  I'm terrified of being homeless but the thought of living with someone else out of necessity when my mother passes away terrifies me to the core.

The ""being alone"" I can easily handle, it's making enough money to live that I'm not sure about.

[Quinoa]

I have worried about this a lot too. I'm really shy, so I don't make friends easily. I have accepted that it's likely I won't ever be the most important person in someone else's life, and that's okay. One time, I had success with getting to know and becoming friends with my friend's girlfriend. Of course, that caused awkwardness when they broke up and I'm still friends with both of them, but if they're all adults, they should be able to handle it. I'm hoping that as people get in more long-term relationships, they will be more likely to want friends in addition to their relationships. 

 

Another solution to this is to keep building an aro community! As more and more people come out as aro, there will be more and more aros looking for friends who won't dump them once they pair off. 

[lindi]

I probably shouldn't even think about it at this age, but I mostly fear the practical struggles of growing old alone 

[aesthetic mess]

recently, my friend has gotten a girlfriend, and i'm happy for them and i want to meet her and from what i've heard she's very nice and my friend loves her a lot, but that's the thing. anytime i see them, half the time they're just talking about their girlfriend, which i totally get that they love their girlfriend and they have every reason to let the world know, but do they have to say it every five minutes? and then i feel like a dick for thinking that but i can't help it. every time they talk about how much they love their girlfriend it's a reminder that i'm not their First Person, i'm not anyone's First Person, and they'll probably end up distancing themself from me in favor of their girlfriend. and that's fine, they deserve to be happy, but a big part of me wants them to make me their first priority because i just want to feel important and loved and needed. but that's selfish and the chances that i'm going to get that without a romantic relationship are low, so wow i'm loving how my future's looking.

 

and i have a different friend who is amazing and i've been friends with her much longer than the first friend, almost ten years i think? and she's amazing and i love her but she's in the grade below me, so when i go off to college there's no guarantee that we'll keep talking. and even though for most of our friendship, we haven't been going to the same school, i'm still scared.

 

(also wow i'm reviving this thread sorry yall i just needed to vent, and, well, it's appropriately labeled.)

[SamwiseLovesLife]

On 04/04/2016 at 6:57 PM, Simowl said:

I find it hard enough being friends with my best friend because I feel like she's always going to choose romance over me - so, I understand what you mean OP. 

No matter how close I get to someone, I don't feel like our friendship will last (at least, in terms of really close friends who I can talk to about anything) if they're not aro. I feel too different from them..

I made friends with people that despite relationships want friend-time/girl-time. Also one of my closest friends is Poly so she doesn't feel the need to be with her SO instead of other people

 

 

On 03/06/2016 at 8:54 PM, Quinoa said:

I have accepted that it's likely I won't ever be the most important person in someone else's life, and that's okay.

 

I just think of this like, 'ah well, I'm the most important person in MY life'

[Mark]

My fears are very much about lack of company and missing out.
Most obviously in terms of everything sensual and sexual.
But also in terms of lots of "platonic" things. Because of the whole idea that it's expected to do lots of things "as a couple", especially when you are over 25-30.
Much fewer people who prefer an "as a group" type of dynamic, combined with the problem of being seen as "too old" by most of them.

[Saber_Wing]

Like a lot of you here, I also fear ending up alone. I just get this feeling that I'll never be as important to my friends and family as I once. Time goes on, they pair off, and all of a sudden I'm irrelevant. I don't like it.

 

It just sucks, because that deep, committed friendship is enough for me, but not for anyone else I know. I can't begrudge them their happiness; how could I? I can't help feeling second best though, like I don't measure up.

 

 

[DeltaAro]

On 5/24/2017 at 10:08 AM, SamwiseLovesLife said:

I just think of this like, 'ah well, I'm the most important person in MY life'

At least that is guaranteed. Similar as Jean-Paul Sartre said: “If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company.”

2 hours ago, Saber_Wing said:

It just sucks, because that deep, committed friendship is enough for me, but not for anyone else I know.

It's not only that it's not enough for them, it's also that many people seem incapable of this today.

 

Since @NullVector mentioned “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” I watched it now in the mean time, pretty cringe-worthy, but what I most disliked about it is how much his virgin status is connected to his loneliness. Take home message from this movie: Don't expect to be normal and not lonely without romance.

 

As if only losing your virginity would magically solve this problem... I've learned now, that in a strange way, yes, emotionless sex with a stranger will make me feel less lonely – but for how long? Maybe for 24 hours afterwards.

 

That's why I would like to meet other aros IRL (whatever their gender or sexual orientation might be), not for some debauched aro sex orgy, but they would probably take friendship much more seriously (and we would have already something important in common).

[Mark]

51 minutes ago, DeltaV said:

As if only losing your virginity would magically solve this problem... I've learned now, that in a strange way, yes, emotionless sex with a stranger will make me feel less lonely – but for how long? Maybe for 24 hours afterwards.

Sex will provide people with a boost. Regardless of if they are a virgin or not.
Difficulty is that this is short term and you might even experience something akin to hangover after (sometimes known as "drop"). Hence a need for emotional connections. For allos romance appears to be good enough. Even for non romance repulsed aros it's often not.
 

1 hour ago, DeltaV said:

That's why I would like to meet other aros IRL (whatever their gender or sexual orientation might be), not for some debauched aro sex orgy, but they would probably take friendship much more seriously (and we would have already something important in common).

What's wrong with a "debauched aro sex orgy". Maybe even add some (cluefull) allos? Difficulty is finding enough friends who might be up for it.

[Queen of Spades]

I fear that my soul friends will sooner or later leave me in the dust. I fear that the romantic partner might be possessive and demand that he breaks all contact with me. I fear that I will never find what I look for...

[One-Eyed Jack]

It's possible to be close friends with someone who is married, provided their spouse is understanding of the friendship. I had such a friend in decades past, and kept him as a friend after his spouse left him. Our friendship ended for reasons having nothing to do with his romantic life. Yes, it's unusual for that to happen, but it can and does, so don't lose hope.

[jenny_any_dots]

I definitely want to have kids, but I'm afraid being a single parent will be really hard. Also not sure if I would want to have biological kids, because pregnancy/birth/newborns would be a lot to handle on my own, even with help from friends and family

[Mark]

On 03/06/2017 at 3:00 PM, One-Eyed Jack said:

It's possible to be close friends with someone who is married, provided their spouse is understanding of the friendship.

This looks very much like Couple Privilege.
Even though your relationship is, in this kind of case, non sexual and non romantic your "metamour" can veto it. (Whilst you have no such power over their relationship.)

[DeltaAro]

On 6/3/2017 at 0:26 PM, Mark said:

Sex will provide people with a boost. Regardless of if they are a virgin or not.
Difficulty is that this is short term and you might even experience something akin to hangover after (sometimes known as "drop"). Hence a need for emotional connections. For allos romance appears to be good enough. Even for non romance repulsed aros it's often not.

That's not really surprising. To the contrary, I find it surprising that an ONS can even make you feel some sort of human connection, because it doesn't get any more shallow than that.

On 6/3/2017 at 0:26 PM, Mark said:

What's wrong with a "debauched aro sex orgy". Maybe even add some (cluefull) allos? Difficulty is finding enough friends who might be up for it.

Nothing is wrong with it, of course. The problem is of course finding aros which have the sexual orientation you like and the gender you're attracted to. Also, sex is more the icing on the cake for me. The idea of ending up lonely with no people who are really close to me, on the other hand, is a real fear.

[One-Eyed Jack]

4 hours ago, Mark said:

This looks very much like Couple Privilege.
Even though your relationship is, in this kind of case, non sexual and non romantic your "metamour" can veto it. (Whilst you have no such power over their relationship.)

I agree with that. I wasn't expressing an ethical or moral principle but referring to how people do things.

[NullVector]

On 6/3/2017 at 10:06 AM, DeltaV said:

Since @NullVector mentioned “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” I watched it now in the mean time, pretty cringe-worthy, but what I most disliked about it is how much his virgin status is connected to his loneliness. Take home message from this movie: Don't expect to be normal and not lonely without romance.

 

Of course, I don't see this movie as some great work of art, or the definitive exploration of male virginity, or anything like that  And yeah, a lot of it is pretty dumb. Like how 'achieving' a romantic-sexual relationship is basically portrayed as the royal road to fixing all of his life issues.

 

But part of it I could sort of relate to (and which also accounts, to a large extent, for his loneliness at the start of movie?) is how he has built his virgin status up inside his head as this massive issue, this "dark secret", that nobody can possibly find out about or his life will be over. I think this is something I did for a while, albeit to a much milder extent. Well, when there are a lot of social cues suggesting something might be a major issue, it's easy to pick up the idea that it might be a major issue, even if it isn't really a major issue (long-story-short: I now don't think it's a major issue, lol). And even "normal" people can be victims of this sort of thinking - e.g. see the self-reported studies on the average number of sexual partners for hetereosexual men vs. women, where men artificially inflate their "numbers".