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Guest 24c64...0e1

My gender

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Guest 24c64...0e1

So, lately I've been thinking about my gender a lot. I haven't told anyone I've been thinking I might not be cis, that I might actually be something more like agender or demiboy; I don't think I've completely accepted it myself. I didn't really say anything because I was scared of looking stupid, or saying something wrong. I kind of felt like I didn't really have any right to be here; like I'm just a confused cis person who can't realize it, but that's not really the point of this post. I just I'm just trying to say I've been wanting to post something like this for a while, I've just been too scared to, for some reason. I guess I'm just a little more comfortable with it now that I can do it anonymously.

 

For most of my life, I kind of just assumed I was a girl, because I was born female. At the same time, I was never very feminine, and would sometimes be intentionally uninterested in things just because they were seen as feminine(not that I was ever really interested in them in the first place). I've never had gender dysphoria. I'm uncomfortable with terms like 'girl' or 'woman', but for some reason, not 'female'. 'Boy' and 'man' feel less weird, but still weird. I'm not bothered by she/her pronouns, but for some reason, it makes me slightly happy when someone refers to me as he, and slightly disappointed when someone corrects them. I don't really think I'd want to use he/him pronouns all the time either, though. I'd prefer to either switch them up or use gender-neutral pronouns, but I'm fine with any pronouns, really. Most of my friends tend to be male (I don't get along with women as well, most of the time). I prefer to go by a less gendered nickname- my birth name is too feminine for me.

 

I know you can't really figure it out for me, but what do you think? And how do I really know what gender I am- I don't think I've ever felt that much like a girl or boy.

Anonymous poster hash: 24c64...0e1

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I can totally relate to being confused about gender! It's such a wibbly-wobbly gendery wendery thing its hard to define it one way or the other. I struggle a lot with the idea that I'm a cis person just thinking I'm non-binary or that I'm not "non-binary" enough to come out to people I see as being more settled in their identities. What's really helped me is seeing it as being a woman as point A and being a man as point B. I don't really feel like I belong on either of those points, so I consider myself non-binary. That being said, I still identify very much as female, as I see that as more of a definition of my biological sex. I am sometimes feminine, sometimes masculine, sometimes neither. What really helped me start to realize how I was not a woman was when I remembered when I hit puberty and everyone started dressing "girly", which I didn't seem to know how to do so I felt and was treated like a bit of an outcast. So I read a teen vogue, and decided to dress girly. But the entire time I dressed in more feminine clothes, it was a very deliberate charade or show I was putting on for others. It was tiring to me, to have to go shopping and put on makeup and do everything so I'd appear as a regular girl. And I saw this great video about non-binary gender identities where one of the people said that feeling comfortable in your gender is not having to try so hard to fit into your gender. So maybe that will help you come to a conclusion? At the end of the day, whatever society or that little inner critic inside of you says; your identity is valid, even if it changes, even if you're not entirely sure what it is.  Gender is often times a mess of societal expectations and personal realities that can be really hard to navigate. But in the end it is something you decide, and something other people should respect. 

 

P.S. I was really happy when someone called me "sir" for the first time! Although I don't identify as a guy, I feel happy that someone would be confused about my gender, not just immediately labeling me as a girl. So I totally feel you on that one!

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Ultimately, it's up to you. I think its never a wrong time to self-reflect or examine how you feel about your identity; it's okay to not be sure. It's okay be unsure for a long time; you aren't intruding or doing anything wrong by being in non-cis spaces while you're trying to figure yourself out.

 

The biggest thing ultimately isn't whether you feel dysphoria (plenty of trans and nonbinary people don't) or what the gender of your friends are, it's if you feel completely female or not, and it sounds from this it might not be the case for you. As someone who's fluid between the gender I was assigned and a different one, I have plenty of experience with self-doubt about whether I was 'really' nonbinary or not- sometimes I felt sure I wasn't what I was assigned, sometimes I was. I didn't really question myself about my feelings and why I was, like you, always a bit disappointed when people corrected themselves on the pronouns they used for me until the last few years of highschool, when I found out via internet that there's more genders than just male and female and started to realized I might not be cis myself.

 

It's brave of you to have posted this, and I'm sure I'm speaking for everyone here when I say that we support you in this. If there's anything you want to ask about that might help you figure this out, feel free.

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Hi :) It took me until I was 21 to figure out my gender, Agender. I think you just need to talk to/watch videos/read testimonies by differently gendered people and why they identify that way until you find people you can relate to. That's what worked for me

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I suggest looking at some youtubers and blogs it took me wayyyy too long to figure myself out but I know exactly what you mean about pronouns (though at this point I hate female pronouns) I like it when people switch up my pronouns (as long as they aren't female) as I hate when I'm called something over and over part of why I'm glad I have like three nicknames XD 

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I think that nobody is stupid for questioning how they feel about their gender identity, or wanting to be able to discuss gender identity without anyone taking their good-faith questions the wrong way.

 

I think it's okay if you don't know for sure, right now, what your gender is.

 

I think it's okay if you have one gender identity today and a different one tomorrow. 

 

I think that analysing how you feel about different aspects of femininity, and how you engage with them, is always a useful kind of introspection and self-discovery. I think you should keep doing that, if you feel it's helping you learn something about yourself.

 

I think that if you haven't already, you should have a think about whether internalised misogyny might play a part in your being "intentionally uninterested in things just because they were seen as feminine". God knows all of us who have been socialised as women suffer to some extent from internalised misogyny.

 

Ultimately though, I think the only person who can figure out what your gender identity is, is you. Keep questioning, keep thinking, remind yourself that you don't have to have an answer today and that your answer doesn't have to be permanent.

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I can relate most of the things  you said (apart from gender dysphoria as I have one and it's so annoying. and maybe I'm more leaning towards musc. side). For me it sounds like you are non-binary or Agender. I'm still trying to figure out my identity as well, so I undrstand the feelings of confusion and uncertainty. Gender identity is something that you figure out and not others. Also it can be fluid/changeable and that's totally fine, too. 

 

These days I'm trying to trace back my childhood memories (like what made me comfortable/uncomfortable). Also talking to other peopl whether online or in person is helpful, too. Your post is a brave, big step! 

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