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NullVector

Aromanticism and attachment styles

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Okay, i reckon this post is going to be a long one, so strap yourselves in! ;) Hopefully it'll be of interest to some of you though...

 

So, today I was reading about the theory of attachment in adults. Wikipedia article is here. Specifically, I got interested in the avoidant attachment styles and how they may or may not relate to aromanticism (or rather, to aro-spec people in general - i.e. 'grey' orientations included).

 

Here are a couple of brief descriptions/clarifications I lifted from the Wikipedia article :

 

Quote

Four main styles of attachment have been identified in adults:

  • secure
  • anxious–preoccupied
  • dismissive–avoidant
  • fearful–avoidant

...

Dismissive–avoidant[edit]

People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships", "It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient", and "I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me." People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with attachments, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive–avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (e.g. their attachments).

Fearful–avoidant[edit]

People with losses or other trauma, such as sexual abuse in childhood and adolescence may often develop this type of attachment[12] and tend to agree with the following statements: "I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others."

People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. On the one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These mixed feelings are combined with sometimes unconscious, negative views about themselves and their attachments. They commonly view themselves as unworthy of responsiveness from their attachments, and they don't trust the intentions of their attachments. Similar to the dismissive–avoidant attachment style, people with a fearful–avoidant attachment style seek less intimacy from attachments and frequently suppress and deny their feelings. Because of this, they are much less comfortable expressing affection.

 

Now, I'm not saying the above would necessarily overlap with aromanticism. Attachment styles being about how you attach and aromanticism being about the degree of desire you feel to attach (romantically) in the first place (i.e. none) - at least as I understand it. But, having said that, I suppose it's plausible or reasonable to expect some degree of inter-relation between the two. For instance, if your attachment style tended towards extreme avoidance, you'd be unlikely to go on to develop romantic attachments, given most starting contexts - even if you experienced intrinsic romantic attraction quite frequently or intensely. In which case, you'd present externally as aro, but might feel rather different internally. Also, I could see a lot of the 'grey' orientations as potentially arising out of a mismatch between the degree of romantic attraction you feel vs. your attachment style (e.g. a lithromantic with a strongly dismissive-avoidant attraction style might feel a 'normal' degree of initial romantic attraction - but then, due to their attachment style, would start to feel suffocated and lose their sense of freedom/autonomy if/when their attraction was externally reciprocated - causing them to either passively distance themselves from their partner, or do things to actively 'sabotage' the relationship /push them away).

 

What got me thinking about all this in the first place is a bit random! I was re-watching an old UK TV show called Skins, about the lives and relationships of a group of 16-18 year olds, doing A-levels / sixth form college (it's available on All 4 if you're in the UK and on Netflix if not, by the way). And... [Spoilers below!]

Spoiler

In the third series of the show, there's a romantic relationship that develops between two girls, Naomi and Emily. The dynamic between the two as their relationship progresses is really interesting (to me at least - and both the actresses are really good!). Looked at in terms of attachment styles, I'd interpret it (quite possibly incorrectly - no psychological training here to speak of :P ) as a very believable depiction of a relationship that develops between a secure attacher (Emily) and a strongly avoidant one (Naomi). IMO, the majority of Naomi's issues don't really arise from her coming to terms with her sexuality, but rather from her coming to terms with being able to love and be loved by another person, given her avoidant attachment style (I see her repeated protestations that she's 'straight' as more of an initial ploy to keep Emily at bay, rather than due to her having any (major) issues accepting the idea of being gay, in the abstract). Emily is very determined and persistent, (!) but also patient and respectful of Naomi's need for breathing space at several key moments - without which it would never have worked out for them (if I ever end up in a romantic relationship, I think it would need to be with somebody like Emily). I think (leaving aside gender and sexuality!) that I have a lot in common with Naomi. I suspect I'm not 'properly' aromantic - but am probably quite strongly Dismissive-avoidant (possibly with a bit of Fearful–avoidant stuff thrown in there too, just for good measure!) and that this accounts for my lack of romantic relationships more than an absence of romantic attraction does. It's revealed later in the show that Naomi had felt strong romantic attraction to Emily for some time, but been too "terrified of pain" to act upon it.

 

Anyway, some food for thought there, hopefully! You reckon this attachment styles stuff can be helpful for us? (and maybe one or two people here will have watched the show as well and want to talk about that?!)

 

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I actually feel like some of this fits me. I think I'm mostly dismissive-avoidant in theory (I mean, when I don't have an attraction, and thus no hormonal/neurological and what have you influence to worry about, because that's usually hard to ignore), but otherwise I'm probably either anxious-preoccupied or fearful-avoidant, maybe even a bit of both?

There's definitely fear there somewhere, but it's come from not knowing what to expect from my own emotions. One minute I'll like the person, then it all disappears and I never know when, or even if it will come back.

 

a lithromantic with a strongly avoidant-dismissive attraction style might feel a 'normal' degree of initial romantic attraction - but then, due to their attachment style, would start to feel suffocated and lose their sense of freedom/autonomy if/when their attraction was externally reciprocated - causing them to either passively distance themselves from their partner, or do things to actively 'sabotage' the relationship /push them away

Basically this, especially with my last relationship.

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As an aro-ace, when I fill out this quiz:

 

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

 

If I fill it out about how I imagine I'd feel if I got into a relationship with any of the guys who've shown interest in me, I score 3.94 on anxiety and 6 on avoidance.

 

However, if I fill it out about how I feel about my closest non-romantic relationships (my parents and younger brother), I score 5.22 on anxiety and 1.11 on avoidance.

 

So I'd say that the distinction between aromantic and avoidantly attached is that an avoidantly attached person keeps everyone at a distance, while an aromantic person isn't very interested in romance but can have any attachment style regarding friends and family. (In my case, I'd say my true attachment style is anxious, or maybe disorganized anxious/secure mix. Which ties in with my history of abuse.)

  

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I did that quiz just now, answering the questions as written (a lot of them explicitly ask about romantic partners) and got this :

Quote

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 2.72, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 5.06, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance). 

 

So, that puts me firmly in the avoidant-dismissive quadrant (i.e. low anxiety, high avoidance), as expected :) 

 

I find it interesting that the quiz is supposed to be measuring 'your feelings about close relationships in general' and yet many of the questions are worded explicitly in terms of romantic relationships. They could have maybe worded the questions more neutrally, so that they could be related more easily to sibling, parental or friendship relationships as well a romantic ones... 'cos as @Ettina pointed out you, would potentially get different scores for anxiety and avoidance depending on what type of close relationship the person answering the question has in mind. As such, I'm not totally clear on how I'm 'supposed' to answer the questions...

 

It's also interesting that the people who have responded to the thread so far are reporting a very wide range of attachment styles. I was wondering if aro-spec folks would tend to cluster predominantly around a particular attachment style, but it seems like probably not (well, bit early to say, as we only have four data points so far ;) ).

 

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2 hours ago, Ettina said:

As an aro-ace, when I fill out this quiz:

 

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

 

If I fill it out about how I imagine I'd feel if I got into a relationship with any of the guys who've shown interest in me, I score 3.94 on anxiety and 6 on avoidance.

Looking at it. Seeing quite a few issues with it, including the very first question.
Do I answer the romantic partner questions as neutral or strongly agree/disagree on the basis that I don't want one?
Omitting the questions which appear to require being in a romantic relationship I get "According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 7.00, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 7.00, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance)."
Did I just break the test?

1 hour ago, NullVector said:

I find it interesting that the quiz is supposed to be measuring 'your feelings about close relationships in general' and yet many of the questions are worded explicitly in terms of romantic relationships. They could have maybe worded the questions more neutrally, so that they could be related more easily to sibling, parental or friendship relationships as well a romantic ones... 'cos as @Ettina pointed out you, would potentially get different scores for anxiety and avoidance depending on what type of close relationship the person answering the question has in mind. As such, I'm not totally clear on how I'm 'supposed' to answer the questions...

I found it impossible to see these kind of questions as other than about mono-romantic relationships.

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5 minutes ago, Mark said:

Did I just break the test?

Hah. It does say on the results page that "If you left any of the questions unanswered, then these scores may be inaccurate." So, probably you did break it :) 

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3 hours ago, Mark said:

Looking at it. Seeing quite a few issues with it, including the very first question.
Do I answer the romantic partner questions as neutral or strongly agree/disagree on the basis that I don't want one?
Omitting the questions which appear to require being in a romantic relationship I get "According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 7.00, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 7.00, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance)."   

 

It's completely possible to score high on both anxiety and avoidance. This is called fearful-avoidant attachment, and refers to someone who is afraid to be alone but also afraid to let people too close.

But if you answered any of the questions about romantic feelings, I'd argue as aro-spec the test would be inaccurate. For me, when I took it the second time, I mentally replaced 'romantic partner' with 'brother' or 'parent' (my attachment style is similar for all three of them). The only one that didn't work for that tactic was the one about jealousy.

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I tried taking the quiz, but it's just too much "romantic partner" this and "romantic partner" that and I just can't... (I think we need an emoticon for utter disgust)

 

EDIT:

I managed to take the quiz, not once, but twice!

First one, I tried to imagine how I felt about being in actual romantic relationships (this was long ago though), and my dot was in the dismissive-avoidant part, but not that much anxiety.

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 4.00, on a scale ranging from
1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 5.72, on a scale ranging from 1
(low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

 

Second one, I just replaced "romantic partner" with "friend" in my mind, and the dot was far in the fearful-avoidant part.

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 6.11, on a scale ranging from
1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 5.17, on a scale ranging from 1
(low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

 

So the test confirms my predictions, I think:

 

I would say I'm dismissively avoiding romantic relationships (because I know I don't need any of that)... and actually I'm somewhat fearful-avoidant of potential close friendships due to past experiences, and afraid of losing them because people don't take friendship seriously. It has been really hard for me to get myself to trust people, even when I'm 99% sure their intentions are good.

 

So I think in my case, being aro may have caused my avoidant tendencies, but not because of abuse or anything like that... just general incompatibility as far as friendship goes with most people. It is genuinely scary to let someone get close knowing full well that there's a good chance they'll just move away at some point, and it won't even bother them to leave me behind.

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1 hour ago, Ettina said:

But if you answered any of the questions about romantic feelings, I'd argue as aro-spec the test would be inaccurate.

I have to agree, because I'm pretty chill about most of my relationships with friends, family and work colleagues, but not so much with romantic partners. Also, I'm not even with anyone right now, so how can I answer questions based on what I feel about 'my partner'?

I answered them anyway, as 'neither agree/disagree', and got 'Dismissing'. The little write up seemed mostly accurate for that, at least.

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I answered it mentally replacing "romantic partner" with "close friend/sibling", and got a 3.72 in anxiety and a 3.50 in avoidance. It says I'm secure, which was honestly pretty surprising considering my general anxiety problems.

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16 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

I would say I'm dismissively avoiding romantic relationships (because I know I don't need any of that)... and actually I'm somewhat fearful-avoidant of potential close friendships due to past experiences, and afraid of losing them because people don't take friendship seriously. It has been really hard for me to get myself to trust people, even when I'm 99% sure their intentions are good.

I would agree with this myself.

 

16 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

So I think in my case, being aro may have caused my avoidant tendencies, but not because of abuse or anything like that... just general incompatibility as far as friendship goes with most people. It is genuinely scary to let someone get close knowing full well that there's a good chance they'll just move away at some point, and it won't even bother them to leave me behind.

I'd agree. I also think that this would explain my "anxiety" score too. It's not easy being mutually incompatible with >99% of people.

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cw: rant about my shitty mental health

 

I got 4.72 on the anxiety part and 5.83 on the avoidance part. I used the description of a partner as in friend or qpp or as a code for any general relationship.

 

I'm not sure how I got the fearful-avoidant attachment thing, although it does describe me but in a weird reverse way.

 

I do have issues with really high anxiety levels, and surprise surprise it put me into the fearful region, but the rest is quite the opposite.

Quote

People who are high in attachment-related anxiety tend to worry about whether their partners really love them and often fear rejection.

I'm quite the opposite. I tend to worry if my feelings are enough, and I find myself offering people a way out of the relationship every now and then, and not being too bothered if they decide to go. Also I tend to encourage people I'm close to to also have connections with others. I'm perfectly happy to listen to them or give affection.  

So I don't really get this part. Maybe I'm just my own type of messed up.

 

I always had feelings of not belonging anywhere, and talking about feelings, especially negative feelings was always a complicated thing for me. I don't like to be dependent on people, and I don't like to pile my problems on others. I guess it stems from the ultimate neurodivergent experience of knowing that if you talk about struggling with something, you will be forced to deal with the thing all the time. 

 

This is part of the reason why I'm not sure if I can really claim the aro label. Not because I don't fit the "official" description, but because I do so due to mental health issues I should probably work on instead of creating an identity based on them. (Yes, I'm questioning again, that's why I don't really post recently.)

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I actually had to laugh a bit at this; I'm....very much not the stereotypical aromantic in this regard. 5.38 on attachment-related anxiety, and only 3.39 on avoidance, putting me solidly in the "preoccupied" area. I have definitely had bad friendships, but I need friendship and companionship so desperately, and often get told that I'm clingy. I fear rejection and loneliness more than anything in the world; the reason I stayed in abusive friendships as long as I did was that I would, by far, rather have an abusive friend than have no friend. I have no issue getting emotionally or physically close with others--but I fear a lot that it will not be desired or reciprocated. I'm the cuddly girl who tells you her issues and secrets on your third conversation with you, not the mysterious, stoic type (no matter how much I want to be :P). My anxieties about being too much for people are not enough to offset, well...actually being too much.

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From observation I would say I'm the dismissive-avoidant type, however I don't see how being independent is the same as being avoidant?

 

So I did the quiz and

 

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 4.22, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.17, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

 

Also

 

preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions

 

I would definitely agree with what this says in relation to my current relationship.

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On 1/23/2017 at 9:03 PM, Cassiopeia said:

I do have issues with really high anxiety levels, and surprise surprise it put me into the fearful region, but the rest is quite the opposite.

Quote

People who are high in attachment-related anxiety tend to worry about whether their partners really love them and often fear rejection.

I'm quite the opposite. I tend to worry if my feelings are enough, and I find myself offering people a way out of the relationship every now and then, and not being too bothered if they decide to go

 

I think I get where you're coming from. Maybe anxiety and avoidance could be interacting in complex ways here? If your partner needs a higher degree and/or frequency of intimacy than you feel able to provide them (which seems likely for a high avoidant type) then that could be a major source of anxiety. I know that in my experience, people escalating the intimacy level of a relationship before I feel 'ready' to open up to them to that extent makes me highly anxious. There are some things I might never be 'ready' for. I don't really know. And that's my greatest fear/anxiety around any experimental exploration of romantic relationships - I'm not sure I'll be able to actually provide a partner with what they need, when they need it, emotionally speaking. I don't want to mess people about. 'Cos they're people in their own right, not tools for my self-development.

 

On 1/23/2017 at 9:03 PM, Cassiopeia said:

I always had feelings of not belonging anywhere, and talking about feelings, especially negative feelings was always a complicated thing for me. I don't like to be dependent on people, and I don't like to pile my problems on others.

Yes, yes, yes and yes! I think this may also tie in again with avoidant < - > anxious interactions. I'm quite anxious about coming across an anxious, if that makes sense! I have friends I opened up to over years and who've since moved away. I'll still think about them often, but some of them I barely speak to. I don't really let them know I miss them. Because I figure they've moved on with their lives now and I don't want to come across as "needy". Which could be a case of internal anxieties manifesting as external avoidance...

 

11 hours ago, Jade said:

I have no issue getting emotionally or physically close with others--but I fear a lot that it will not be desired or reciprocated. I'm the cuddly girl who tells you her issues and secrets on your third conversation with you, not the mysterious, stoic type (no matter how much I want to be :P). My anxieties about being too much for people are not enough to offset, well...actually being too much.

 

Hah, I'm like the polar opposite of you! I am the 'mysterious stoic type' ( :P) who wishes they found it easier to open up to people. And my anxieties about being 'too much' are usually more than enough to offset my sharing pretty much anything about myself with anyone, ever xD

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On 1/23/2017 at 9:03 PM, Cassiopeia said:

This is part of the reason why I'm not sure if I can really claim the aro label. Not because I don't fit the "official" description, but because I do so due to mental health issues I should probably work on instead of creating an identity based on them.

 

Hmm. I don't know if this will help or not, but I basically joined the site to try and answer that question. As in: is the lack of romantic relationships (or general discomfort around them) that I've experienced so far a core part of my personality (an identity) or something that I want to try and 'fix'? I still don't have an answer to that question - but I've had some interesting conversations here so far.

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2 hours ago, NullVector said:

I have friends I opened up to over years and who've since moved away. I'll still think about them often, but some of them I barely speak to. I don't really let them know I miss them. Because I figure they've moved on with their lives now and I don't want to come across as "needy".

I have this same problem...

 

On 23 January 2017 at 11:03 PM, Cassiopeia said:

This is part of the reason why I'm not sure if I can really claim the aro label. Not because I don't fit the "official" description, but because I do so due to mental health issues I should probably work on instead of creating an identity based on them. (Yes, I'm questioning again, that's why I don't really post recently.)

 

2 hours ago, NullVector said:

I don't know if this will help or not, but I basically joined the site to try and answer that question. As in: is the lack of romantic relationships (or general discomfort around them) that I've experienced so far a core part of my personality (an identity) or something that I want to try and 'fix'?

I don't know if my experience is in any way relevant to either of you, but I know in my case it's definitely a core part of who I am, not something that can be changed (nor would I want to even if I somehow could). I know this because I've been obsessed with friendship for as long as I can remember, and just never been interested in anything romantic at all, or I treated romantic relationships as friendships, and was disappointed when I realized they don't really work that way. Maybe it's easier for me to know this because I have no interest in sex? My below quotey-reply is also relevant to this...

 

14 hours ago, Jade said:

I'm the cuddly girl who tells you her issues and secrets on your third conversation with you, not the mysterious, stoic type (no matter how much I want to be :P). My anxieties about being too much for people are not enough to offset, well...actually being too much.

Is it weird that part of me wants a friend exactly like how you described yourself, and yet on the other hand, were I to actually meet this person, I would likely be incredibly paranoid and afraid about the whole thing at the same time? :rofl: 
That is something I can work on though... and am.

 

So, TL;DR: friendship obsession and disinterest in romance are a core part of who I've always been (not something to work on). But being that way (along with general weirdness) has resulted in many situations which have caused anxiety, and my avoidance issues have likely resulted from many years of that (which is something I can work on and hopefully fix).

 

That's my theory anyway... :aroicecream:

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3 hours ago, NullVector said:

 

Hmm. I don't know if this will help or not, but I basically joined the site to try and answer that question. As in: is the lack of romantic relationships (or general discomfort around them) that I've experienced so far a core part of my personality (an identity) or something that I want to try and 'fix'? I still don't have an answer to that question - but I've had some interesting conversations here so far.

I'm starting to wonder that, as well, though I guess a few 'signs' of me being grey romantic/introverted were there before I even started to date "properly".  

  • I didn't have a huge interest in boys (still don't)  and preferred being by myself most of the time (reinforced by everyone seeming to love petty dramas and being as nasty as possible at the schools I went to).
  • My strongest crushes were on people I knew weren't available; I rejected everyone who did ask me out, made easier by the fact they usually had other guys standing behind them, trying not to laugh (I wasn't popular, and they probably thought I'd be sooo desperate for a date I'd leap at the chance, and then they'd probably have died laughing as I got rejected in some kind of juvenile double bluff or whatever. Even if they were serious, I'm not going to accept a guy who needs backup from hired goons xD)
  • I'm quite introverted and independent. There are people I can spend a lot of time with, but generally I've known those people a long time and want to spend that kind of time with them, but I still have a limit for each person before I feel drained. Same in general at school - I had toxic friends who just offered a little protection from bullies, but didn't really care about me and we all knew it. I ditched them as soon as I could. Quality over quantity!
  • Romance makes little sense to me when I'm actually involved, and it's like there's an intangible change inside me when I enter a relationship - I don't know what/why that is. I'm either (weakly) romantically attracted or really anxious, and those feelings cycle rapidly between each other, but ultimately I usually just end up feeling anxious, depressed and trapped/suffocated in spite of my best efforts to calm myself down because nothing's actually wrong. I've only had maybe a couple of relationships (early on) where that wasn't quite so evident.
  • No objectively bad/abusive relationships, just anxious cos I didn't really know how to handle them, and still don't despite having had several (romantic feelings constantly disappearing = non-intuitive, no other feelings for person = what am I doing and why am I here?)
  • I'm not even sure I have needs another person could fulfill? Like, if you asked me to write down a list of things I'd want a partner to provide... it'd be practical stuff I could do for myself if absolutely necessary. I'd probably end up having a close relationship with Google if anything. Most of the married people I know have an unequally shared workload, which just seems like a set of potential arguments I'd rather not have. At least I know I'm kind of a lazy fucker and I'd only have myself to blame for stuff not getting done xD 

 

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@SoulWolf and @NullVector 

I don't want to derail the topic too much, especially that I have already made a whole thread dedicated to the issue. The nature vs. nuture question is an interesting one as well, and also a very sensitive topic. 

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On 1/25/2017 at 3:23 PM, NullVector said:

 

Hmm. I don't know if this will help or not, but I basically joined the site to try and answer that question. As in: is the lack of romantic relationships (or general discomfort around them) that I've experienced so far a core part of my personality (an identity) or something that I want to try and 'fix'? I still don't have an answer to that question - but I've had some interesting conversations here so far.

 

My thoughts about this are:

 

Do you know the “strange stories test” for autism spectrum disorders? Stories that involve jokes, white lies, sarcasm, figures of speech, bluffs, etc. Neurotypicals “get them”, but people with ASD don't.

 

I would fail a similar test for romantic relationships (RRs) abysmally, if I had not memorized RR rules and learned to apply them mechanically. I am like having an ASD, but only in the context of RRs. When people complain about their RR problems to me and I would give them my honest opinion, it would probably sound extremely cynical and jaded for them.

 

Friend: “It's now three month and X still won't commit blah blah”
Me (applying rules mechanically): “I think that this is too long and I would write X now that you want something serious blah blah and you will continue to search for it elsewhere. If X has real feelings for you, I think, ze will fight for you and blah blah...”
Me (honest answer): “Why do you even care? X wasting a substantive on you or not
has no legal consequences! And why, of all people, do you ask me?”

 

But hey, society says RRs are the greatest thing in life ever! And if you don't have them, you must feel sad and lonely.

  • extreme societal pressure
  • fear of being a loser
  • feeling of being abnormal, RRs seem bizarre to you

= best ingredients for a phobia to develop.

 

Now, I think that the phobia, the repulsion for RR is something which is learned behavior and could go away with sufficient “exposure”. Though I had “flings”, which were not nice and made it worse.

 

But even without the phobia, I still wouldn't suddenly “get” RRs or want them. They still would feel like an alien ritual to me. And I doubt anything can be done about this.

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So, a few people here mentioned that their attachment style seems to vary a lot depending on whether they are considering family, friends or romantic partners when answering the 'quiz' questions. 

 

So, I did a bit more googling around and found a quiz that aims to look into these differences :

 

http://www.yourpersonality.net/relstructures/

 

It'd be interesting to see what results people get and whether there are any typical 'aro' patterns there :) 

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39 minutes ago, NullVector said:

So, a few people here mentioned that their attachment style seems to vary a lot depending on whether they are considering family, friends or romantic partners when answering the 'quiz' questions. 

 

So, I did a bit more googling around and found a quiz that aims to look into these differences :

 

http://www.yourpersonality.net/relstructures/

 

It'd be interesting to see what results people get and whether there are any typical 'aro' patterns there :) 

I'm going to start with a guess that there might be more than one 'aro pattern'. Since i have seen clear diversity with things like how aros tend to want QP relationships to be.
 

Ignoring all the questions in "relationship structure", no romantic partner and I don't do hierarchy in general, so the concept of "best friend" isn't that meaningful to me. Which rather breaks the test :)

 

Quote


Name Anxiety Score Avoidance Score
your mother or mother-like figure 2.00 2.67
your father or father-like figure 2.67 3.83
your romantic partner 0.00 0.00
your best friend 0.00 0.00


 

Especially odd is that whilst both my parents are in the "secure" quadrant the results claim
 

Quote

Based on the ratings your made for close others in general, your global attachment style is fearful. Research on attachment styles indicates that fearful people tend to have much difficulty in their relationships. They tend to avoid becoming emotionally attached to others, and, even in cases in which they do enter a committed relationship, the relationship may be characterized by mistrust or a lack of confidence.. Your general anxiety score was 6.33 and your general avoidance score was 4.00 (on a scale ranging from 1=low to 7=high).

 

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2 hours ago, NullVector said:

So, a few people here mentioned that their attachment style seems to vary a lot depending on whether they are considering family, friends or romantic partners when answering the 'quiz' questions. 

 

So, I did a bit more googling around and found a quiz that aims to look into these differences :

 

http://www.yourpersonality.net/relstructures/

 

It'd be interesting to see what results people get and whether there are any typical 'aro' patterns there :) 

 

This quiz made more sense as I was able to approach it differently for each person. I still got preoccupied as my overall result, but it shows that my relationship with my mum is significantly healthier than my relationships with others.

 

Name  Anxiety Score  Avoidance Score 
your mother or mother-like figure 1.33  1.50 
your father or father-like figure 0.00 0.00 
your romantic partner 4.00 2.50
your best friend 3.33 3.33

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None of my scores were below 4.00, lol, I'm nothing but tea and anxiety. xDDD

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