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Holmbo

To "come out"

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At some point I'm going to have to sit down with my family and explain what aromantic is and that I am one. It wont be a big deal because neither of my parents have ever put any pressure on me about that I should be in a romantic relationship. But somehow because it's not an issue it feels very weird to bring it up :D We never ask each other about our love lives. There's never a question that might go into the topic. But I still want to tell them because it's such a huge part of my life and affects all the major choices I make about it.
I'll probably just bring it up apropo of nothing at dinner or something.

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On 2017-01-13 at 10:25 PM, Holmbo said:

At some point I'm going to have to sit down with my family and explain what aromantic is and that I am one. It wont be a big deal because neither of my parents have ever put any pressure on me about that I should be in a romantic relationship. But somehow because it's not an issue it feels very weird to bring it up :D We never ask each other about our love lives. There's never a question that might go into the topic. But I still want to tell them because it's such a huge part of my life and affects all the major choices I make about it.
I'll probably just bring it up apropo of nothing at dinner or something.

I have a feeling relatives asks those questions more than ones family. I'm not saying you should out it for everyone at ones, definitely not, but the chances of an opportunity to talk/discuss/tell about it in a situation other than "apropo of nothing" is greater at those gatherings. I got started to talk this way, in the sense of maybe not feeling that romantic relationship with the whole package is fore me. You on on the otherhand seem much more certain, so maybe outing all the way is the way to go. Only suggesting of the possibility of could be an alternative. Best of luck!

 

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Good luck!  :aropride:


I don't think I'm that brave yet.

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On 2017-01-14 at 5:12 PM, SoulWolf said:


I don't think I'm that brave yet.

 

Are you afraid they will take it badly?
 

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19 hours ago, Holmbo said:

 

Are you afraid they will take it badly?
 

I think it's more like I don't want to deal with the drama of explaining it, and all the stupid reactions people have posted about getting from people... I'm not convinced I could remain calm. If they say anything that seems even a little bit condescending, there's a reasonable chance I'll get really angry really fast. I don't think I'd have that problem with most other people though, just my parents.

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Parents are tricky to come out to.

 

There are a variety of reactions, they may not be condescending. They may brush it off and go into full on denial. They may get angry. 

I'd suggest try doing it individually, one on one, and find a calm setting where none of you are disracted. 

 

Good luck :D

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Or I could just email them... and send them links to read. :rofl: 

It may be an "easy way out" but it does make it more likely to happen at some point in this lifetime. :P

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31 minutes ago, SoulWolf said:

Or I could just email them... and send them links to read. :rofl: 

It may be an "easy way out" but it does make it more likely to happen at some point in this lifetime. :P


I was thinking about just writing mine in the family chat :D

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On 1/17/2017 at 10:02 AM, SoulWolf said:

I think it's more like I don't want to deal with the drama of explaining it, and all the stupid reactions people have posted about getting from people... I'm not convinced I could remain calm. If they say anything that seems even a little bit condescending, there's a reasonable chance I'll get really angry really fast. I don't think I'd have that problem with most other people though, just my parents.

 

On 1/17/2017 at 2:19 PM, SoulWolf said:

Or I could just email them... and send them links to read. :rofl: 

It may be an "easy way out" but it does make it more likely to happen at some point in this lifetime. :P

 

These sound like good reasons to come out over social media, like I did. I was very nervous about trying to explain it through conversation, and about any weird reactions I might get. With social media, you have a chance to make your points eloquently. I find it easier to write everything I want to say out, then go back and edit it and make sure all points are clear so there's no confusion.

 

In my case, I wanted everybody to know at once, so again social media was a perfect outlet. Some of you might want to let just a few people know at a time and that's fine too. You could use email in that case.

 

When I made my coming out post on Facebook, I didn't revisit it until two days later. I needed time to simmer down because the days before were stressful.

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I am still trying to find the right time and way to tell my friends. I have no close family so it isn't a big deal there. I guess I'm afraid my friends won't take it seriously and will keep pressuring me to date and all that nonsense. How do you make people understand that this is how you are and how you want to be?

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18 hours ago, Iamwilliame said:

I guess I'm afraid my friends won't take it seriously and will keep pressuring me to date and all that nonsense. How do you make people understand that this is how you are and how you want to be?

I think I'm at a point where I can probably tell people that this is the way I am and the way I prefer to be, and that if they can't accept me this way, they should F*&^#$ off out of my life. But that may be a bit harsh in most cases. :rofl: Other than that, I don't know how to make anyone understand anything. I'm not sure that's possible. The most success I've had with helping people understand is sending them links to stuff to read. Don't give in to pressure though... give them pressure right back!

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.

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This conversation really happened:

 

Mom: “Don't you want to be in a real relationship someday?”

Me: “No I don't want to. This wouldn't work. I'm aromantic.”

Mom: “Oh, I don't see why this should be a problem, most men are like this.”

 

well... I just couldn't be bothered to explain what aromantic really means.

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I want to come out to my one friend but I'm highkey scared...

It's not that I think she'd freak out, just that it'd be really awkward and I've have to explain the whole thing and she might not get it and yeah.

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For me, coming out is hard. Always. Coming out as trans is awkward, coming out as queer is awkward, coming out as aro, as poly, as grey-ace, as pan...for me, coming out is awkward because it inevitably becomes an intrusive Q & A session, where people basically ask me to defend my identity. I don't believe I should be obligated to come out, and yet, people have all these false expectations of how I should behave, and if I don't come out, they'll continue to have those false expectations of me...and I just can't stand that.

 

Therefore, coming out is not a choice, for me. It's impulse, and it's coercion. It's, "I need to be myself or I will die on the inside." I just can't stand the idea of not being myself so I try to make my identity crystal clear to anyone who interacts with me, ASAP. If someone won't accept me for who I am, then I don't want to be around those people. This is especially hard when it comes to family, and those whom I can't avoid interaction with; for them, I maintain firm boundaries. 

 

Yes, personal safety is an issue, but at what cost? Maybe this is just about being queer in general (and if you personally don't identify with queer, that's fine too), but I really feel like having a queer identity means you will either spend your life being dying by the acts of others, or dying on the inside. I believe that existence is resistance, which is to say that our existence is interpreted as an illegitimate act of violence within our prejudiced society, and that as a result, most of society thinks that we deserve to be treated as walking targets. 

 

So I run. I run towards people who I trust to accept me, and hope they won't plant a bullet in my face, metaphorically or literally. It's all I can do. 

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9 hours ago, omitef said:

it inevitably becomes an intrusive Q & A session, where people basically ask me to defend my identity.

I know that this will likely happen in a lot of cases, but it isn't right. It's actually none of their business, and if they want to be respectful, they will just accept what you say. They can then either ask you politely to explain a few things, or, they can do research on their own. I don't think you (or any of us) should be obligated to educate people, especially if they actually expect you to justify yourself to them. People like that are not worth it... IMO.

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@SoulWolf Exactly--what hurts me is that even polite questions feel like interrogation. I remember trying to explain queerplatonic friendship to one of my mentors, and she was like..."so how's that different from being best friends? From dating? From friends with benefits?" and she was asking out of genuine curiosity, not dismissal, but it still upset me. I just thought, "I shouldn't have to be explaining this to you at all. I shouldn't have to tell you the difference...you should just understand that queerplatonic friendship is a serious relationship, and just leave it at that." I feel like I might just be too sensitive sometimes. 

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8 minutes ago, omitef said:

she was like..."so how's that different from being best friends? From dating? From friends with benefits?" and she was asking out of genuine curiosity, not dismissal, but it still upset me. I just thought, "I shouldn't have to be explaining this to you at all. I shouldn't have to tell you the difference...you should just understand that queerplatonic friendship is a serious relationship, and just leave it at that." I feel like I might just be too sensitive sometimes. 

That does seem pretty nosy to me... that's like if you were asking her about her personal relationships, and asking her how they work. I mean, I personally don't understand romantic relationships or how people can justify prioritizing them over their friends. How would she like being asked about that? :P

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@SoulWolf She'd be patient and try to educate them, because that's who she is as a person. She likes teaching people about things. 

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Urgh.  I'm 27 and still not out to my parents.  I'm buying a house now that I can afford it and moving out finally and I feel like I might be willing to go through with it then, once I have somewhere I can retreat back to just in case it doesn't go well.  

 

My parents have always prided themselves on being open minded but my mom has also said that she doesn't  believe people are really bisexual, because "how can you love/be attracted to more than one gender, people are just straight or gay", and....I don't know.  How can I expect her to understand not being interested in ANY gender then?

 

As someone else said above, I also feel like it'll just become a Q&A session.  Feels like I'm gonna have to prepare a PowerPoint on the split attraction theory, QPRs, etc. beforehand or something...

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i actually still haven't done it :D
Not that I've consciously avoided it, I just forget because it's so normal to me now.

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I'm out to most of my college friends (I say most only because there are probably a few who I haven't explicitly told, but it's really not been a big deal).  I'm also out to my sister and cousins, and sort of out to my mom.  Coming out to my mom was not a planned out thing (and I totally failed at explaining split attraction model and stuff) and I'm really not sure what she thinks at the moment... (I don't think she really understands (or maybe even realizes that I'm aromantic...) or even if she thinks its just a phase or realizes it's not changing.... another conversation is necessary, perhaps.) (@starstuff, I may need to borrow your PowerPoint ;))

 

(And as far as explaining not being interested in anyone, I don't understand why people who are straight or gay shouldn't get it... they already don't experience attraction to some genders, so to me it doesn't seem like it would be too much of a stretch to expand that to all genders... of course, people don't make sense.)

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@Holmbo have you talked to your parents yet? I'm in almost the exact same situation with my parents. Once the conversation is going it might be fine, but I have no idea how to start it because they never ask me about relationships. Anyone got some good lines to break the ice on this one?

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I've tried to "come out" to my mum (more as in like i told her that I don't think I am capable of romantic attraction) but that didn't go very well. She just asked me if i was gay lol. 

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