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Ettina

Questioning romantic orientation

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I'm not sure where I fit on the romantic spectrum. I've definitely never had a clear crush, so I know I'm not fully romantic. But I'm not sure if I'm aromantic or grey-romantic, or maybe cupioromantic. (Doesn't feel romantic attraction but has a desire for a romantic relationship for some other reason.)

 

Thing is, I don't get crushes, but I do want someone who will:

* pledge to be mine forever and value their relationship with me above others (possibly including a public ceremony, like a marriage or something we make up with a similar meaning)

* cuddle with me and give me hugs

* live with me and raise kids with me

* move with me if I have to move somewhere

* not get romantically or sexually involved with anyone else

* grow old with me

 

I don't want sex (sex-repulsed) or kisses (tactile defensiveness). But I think those aren't key to romance anyway.

 

It's like, when I look at romantic couples, new couples kind of range from "aww, cute, but I can't relate" to "have you suddenly gone insane?". But when I look at long term couples, like people who've been married for decades, that's the kind of bond I want to have someday, if I can. Just skipping over the silly obsession phase into the "we know each other very well and care deeply about each other as life partners" that the more stable romances eventually evolve into.

 

My favorite romance songs are by Stan Rogers. One of my favorite lines, from Lies:

 

Quote

She'll look up in that weathered face that loves hers line for line.

To see that maiden shining in his eyes,

and laugh at how her mirror tells her lies.

 

That's the kind of relationship I want. I want someone who loves my every feature, enjoys being with me, and wants to spend the years with me.

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That sounds like cupioromantic to me. You want the relationship but don't feel the attraction to anybody. Does that sound about right?

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The kind of relationship you described can also be a QPP, I think... (someone please correct me if I'm wrong).

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I agree, can be aromanticism as well. QPPs can pass as a couple that been together for a while now, especially if they are physically affectionate.

 

The way you described your reaction to new couples is quite familiar to me.

 

But can you imagine yourself as part of a romantic couple? Despite of not having a crush on them or not being in love with them, do want to go through the so called honeymoon stage of the relationship, or would that bother you?

Also this posessiveness. Do you get jealous easily? And where does it come from, what is the thought process behind it?

Altough many of us are poly, that's not what aromanticism is about. 

 

 

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59 minutes ago, Cassiopeia said:

But can you imagine yourself as part of a romantic couple? Despite of not having a crush on them or not being in love with them, do want to go through the so called honeymoon stage of the relationship, or would that bother you?

 

I have no idea. I can definitely imagine myself in a 'mature couple', but I have no idea how I'd react to someone I liked in full limerence for me. I'd find it frustrating if someone's trying to tell me something and is too anxious in my presence to talk clearly, but assuming I liked the person a lot and they were great with consent, I think I'd like them wanting to be with me and maybe cuddling. I don't know if I'd get sick of it or want time to myself, though. I definitely wouldn't like if they got jealous of me doing the occasional thing without them, though.

 

1 hour ago, Cassiopeia said:

Also this posessiveness. Do you get jealous easily? And where does it come from, what is the thought process behind it?

 

Not super easily, but sometimes. When I visited my best friend and unexpectedly met her boyfriend for the first time, I felt a bit jealous that we weren't alone together. I got less jealous as I realized that I kind of like him, too. But I'd still rather just be with her. Partly because I moved away, so I rarely see her now.

 

I also feel kind of jealous about how much time that two friends of mine who have gotten romantically involved with each other spend alone together. I basically never see either of them any more, and I really liked spending time with each of them. (One of them is a fellow LGBT autistic person who I really clicked with, the other one is a friend of my brother's that we used to play D&D with and went to an MLP conference with.)

 

Back when I was 10, I had a best friend and the two of us were constantly together for awhile. When she found another friend and the three of us were hanging out I felt jealous. And I had reason, because suddenly she was spending a lot of time alone with that other friend and telling me I couldn't come along. And soon afterwards we had a vicious argument and I never spoke to her again.

 

The biggest reason I want my hypothetical partner to be exclusive is so I know they won't decide to abandon me for the other person, and I won't have to negotiate the relationship with more than one person.

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Okay, so that is a fear of abandonment, maybe some trust issue and wanting to be included.

 

But when you feel jealous, what bothers you, the fact that those two prioritize each other over you in your presence or the fact that your friend has some other feelings for their partner? If you could spend more time with the two of them, would knowing that they are emotionally and/or physically intimate when you aren't there make you feel upset? When somebody else hugged or kissed your friend or showed other types of affection, did you feel like they were trespassing?

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On 12/8/2016 at 5:31 AM, Cassiopeia said:

Okay, so that is a fear of abandonment, maybe some trust issue and wanting to be included.

 

But when you feel jealous, what bothers you, the fact that those two prioritize each other over you in your presence or the fact that your friend has some other feelings for their partner? If you could spend more time with the two of them, would knowing that they are emotionally and/or physically intimate when you aren't there make you feel upset? When somebody else hugged or kissed your friend or showed other types of affection, did you feel like they were trespassing?

 

I'd say it's them prioritizing the other person over me, as well as sometimes me wanting to do things with them that I'm not comfortable doing in front of their partner because I don't know them as well (things like talking about sensitive emotions) or just wanting to spend time alone with them and not getting the chance. As long as I am getting enough one-on-one time with someone, I won't care if they spend time with someone else at other times. But I don't know if the leftover time would be enough for a romantic relationship.

 

I think if I had enough trust in the person, I might be willing for them to have a friends with benefits kind of thing with someone else, but I'd need to feel pretty certain that they're not going to end up too attached to that other person. And I'd need to know that they'd be willing to do without it if I discover that I can't actually handle it.

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