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Platonic marriage

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4 hours ago, Mark said:

Thus any "legal perks" associated with marriage should be eliminated.

What about stuff like medical care? Later on in life, when our parents have passed away (or they just won't talk to us), who's gonna sign that form? Any random friend can't just show up consent for you (in case you would not be able to). That is how gay marriage became a crucial issue, during the AIDS epidemic, "hospitals could deny the gay partner of someone with AIDS visitation privileges, not to mention consultation over treatment"

 

I really hope some proper legal way to do this. Anybody knows?

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On 09/04/2016 at 7:41 PM, nina said:

I'm against marriage, but if it was the only way to remain in the same country with a friend - to get citizenship/visa for one of us - I'd do it in that case, and only in that case.

Ah, this is one of my biggest frustrations. I've got a friend on the verge of having to leave the country since the marriage that brought her here broke down. I wouldn't have a high enough income to support her, but it still bugs me - she's settled with good friends, why is it that only a marriage is good enough to let her stay?

 

 

Anyway uh. Marriage is cool, we do need a few shake ups to the system but I'm all for planning my perfect party with my coolest someone.

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Just now, Cassiopeia said:

What about stuff like medical care? Later on in life, when our parents have passed away (or just won't talk to us), who's gonna sign that form? Any random friend can't just show up consent for you (in case you would not be able to). That is how gay marriage became a crucial issue, during the AIDS epidemic, "hospitals could deny the gay partner of someone with AIDS visitation privileges, not to mention consultation over treatment"

 

I really hope some proper legal way to do this. Anybody knows?

One way would be if people could designate another person to serve that function, whether it was a friend or spouse or whatever. Of course that requires someone to actually designate someone before they get into a serious situation, but it would help in some cases. 

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3 minutes ago, Vega said:

One way would be if people could designate another person to serve that function, whether it was a friend or spouse or whatever. Of course that requires someone to actually designate someone before they get into a serious situation, but it would help in some cases. 

In a sense, marriage is like designating someone to do that, only with other stuff involved ;)

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11 minutes ago, Vega said:

 people could designate another person to serve that function, whether it was a friend or spouse or whatever.

Knowing how medical professionals treat queer people in general, the legal battle to achieve something like this is going to be long and bloody. They aren't exactly keen on going out of their way to "accommodate anybody's special identity".

but :fingers crossed:

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8 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

What about stuff like medical care? Later on in life, when our parents have passed away (or they just won't talk to us), who's gonna sign that form? Any random friend can't just show up consent for you (in case you would not be able to). That is how gay marriage became a crucial issue, during the AIDS epidemic, "hospitals could deny the gay partner of someone with AIDS visitation privileges, not to mention consultation over treatment"

 

I really hope some proper legal way to do this. Anybody knows?

The obvious "proper legal way" is power of attorney. Someone acting in such a capacity may also be known as a "proxy".
The idea that this needs to be bundled with "marriage" is, IMHO, an example of how pervasive amatonormativity is.

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A hired person just isn't the same. And I don't think most of us will ever make the money to hire someone we trust to make a crisis decision for us around 4 am in A&E.

 

Especially for poor people who are part of several minority groups, this is not really an option. (I mean its 2016 but trans people still have to give each other tips on how to pass as neurotypical and heteroromantic heterosexual and conform to the gender binary in order to pass the evaluation for hormone treatment? Oh, come on. It can be ridiculous.)

 

Using marriage as a friendship pact isn't ideal. But there isn't really anything closer to the thing that would be ideal for us? I don't think the idea of a civilian I-watch-your-back-and-you-watch-mine type of contract is amatonormative, Forcing these people to marry because there is no other way however is.

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3 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

A hired person just isn't the same. And I don't think most of us will ever make the money to hire someone we trust to make a crisis decision for us around 4 am in A&E.

 

Especially for poor people who are part of several minority groups, this is not really an option. (I mean its 2016 but trans people still have to give each other tips on how to pass as neurotypical and heteroromantic heterosexual and conform to the gender binary in order to pass the evaluation for hormone treatment? Oh, come on. It can be ridiculous.)

 

Using marriage as a friendship pact isn't ideal. But there isn't really anything closer to the thing that would be ideal for us? I don't think the idea of a civilian I-watch-your-back-and-you-watch-mine type of contract is amatonormative, Forcing these people to marry because there is no other way however is.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "hired person"?  Like @Mark said, power of attorney is the legal option here if you don't want to marry but want someone to have that sort of power.  And you can choose whoever you want to give power of attorney to--family member, friend, etc.  It just means that you grant that person the authority to make decisions on your behalf.  

 

I'd much rather just grant someone power of attorney than marry a friend for the legal benefits, personally.  Although granting someone power of attorney wouldn't have all the same benefits as marriage, I feel like the most important things (like who makes decisions for you) would be taken care of.  

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@PerformativeSurprise

Wow, I did not know this existed. I thought it was like paying someone to do this stuff. Sounds like a good thing, I'll look it up ;)

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if i were to get platonically married it would have to be to someone id been in a qpr with for a long time tbh

 

the whole idea of marriage makes me anxious & squicks me out so.....probably not

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If it was for legal benefits (such as if I was raising a child with friend) I would definitely consider it. Otherwise, I don't understand why I would need to legally tie someone to me. If it wasn't for our amatonormative society, then I wouldn't need to marry a friend for legal benefits.

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Guest Apple Cake

I actually thought of this even before knowing I'm arospec, because my best friend is "in love" with me and I've had to tell him several times I don't feel the same way. I've even had to lie and tell him I have never felt attracted to someone and that I might be unable to feel that kind of attraction... which is still kinda true. I once told him that sometimes a person loves another person, but just can't feel romantically attracted to them (that's how I feel, or used to feel about him). After that I thought that if someone really feels a strong platonic love for someone, then marriage can work. Love is love. But yeah, platonic or romantic, I don't like marriage

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There are several legal benefits to marriage. You can read quite a bit about this in the book Singlism by Bella DePaulo. Here are some:

  • Potentially a tax break, but this only happens when the spouses make substantially different incomes, or one isn't working at all. With matched incomes, they actually end up paying more taxes.
  • Social security passes on to the surviving spouse when the other dies
  • Spouses have the ultimate "power of attorney". From folks I know in the medical field, the spouse gets the ultimate say with the patient, then parents, siblings, etc. Living wills and power of attorney are easily overridden by the family's wishes.
  • Great for immigration, there's still a lot of paperwork but it's a lot faster to become a citizen of a spouse's country
  • Cheaper health insurance (per person) when covered by a company's group policy
  • And on and on

To be frank, the third point is the most important to me. Marriage is written into our very laws and that is not really OK. Unmarried people should get those same rights too.

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If Britain left the EU, I'd be more likely to marry to stay in France or wherever but I just can't imagine myself married, it just feels so weird so yeah. VIVE L'AROVELUTION ET TUEZ L'AMATONORMATIVIQE

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YES. QPR, here I come!

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Once I told my teacher that I plan to do this and she thought it sounded like a great idea.

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I am one hundred percent for the abolition of marriage as a legal institution and the introduction of systems better suited for managing the things marriage takes care of, but as that's unlikely to happen anytime soon I would also one hundred percent take advantage of the system and marry platonically, fuck yeah. What's a wedding anyway but an excuse to eat a bunch of delicious food and request expensive gifts off your loved ones while looking fantastic? Fuck yeah, party of the century.

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I feel like marriage should stop being a legal thing, but it could continue to be a ceremony for people. There's a lot of stupid things about marriage, in my opinion. But most people like to do it and have all the traditional things and whatnot. But I think all of the legal benefits should be separate, especially since some people don't get married (probably most people on this site for example). Not only that, but married people may even want to hand their legal benefits to someone other than their spouse...

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My best friend and I talk about this, and honestly. I don't think we're entirely joking anymore. We already live together and are inseperable, I have zero interest in romo, and she really doesn't either. We've talked about marrying and sharing health insurance benefits, if one of us every needed to.. My ideal would be to share my life with her and my other best friend, who also lives with us. I'm keeping my last name though, fuck that xD

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My best friend really does want to share an apartment with me at least until we get our own places. Living with a best friend for the rest of my life sound appealing but I would have to get over sooooooo many insecurities first.

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I mean, if we're building air castles here, I'd actually very much love to flat share with multiple people while getting marriage benefits with one bromance. 

But marriage is such a romantic concept to me, I'd have to be so secure and sure about that person not falling in love with me. 

Imagine the pillow talk:

"Don't you love me anymore?"

"Spouse, I have never loved you!" 
"Aww, that's so sweet of you <3" 

xDDD

 

Sorry for being silly. 

 

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ABSOLUTELY. I think.

It would have to be with a very, very close friend who I can be out to with complete confidence and who I know isn't going to be weird about it or make it romantic. Currently have only one of those.

Like basically it's lowkey my dream to live with my best friend (I mean, I guess if they were up for it we could marry for legal and medical benefits and stuff; since we're not gonna fix this broken system any time soon I might as well take advantage of it) and travel the world together. And like. Have a cat.

It'd be awesome.

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If I had a QPP, I'd like being "best roommates forever" xD But being married would certainly be quite awkward. Because people around us would assume that we're in a physical relationship instead of a close friendship. I wouldn't want that to happen.

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On 4/3/2016 at 4:28 PM, Spud said:

I've considered that before. In fact, I actually wondered for a while what the difference would be between romantic and platonic marriage (because I didn't understand what romance was :P). I still don't, but I think I would marry my best friend one day to be roomies forever haha. I wouldn't want to kiss or anything, probably just live nearby each other or in an apartment and stuff. I think it'd be pretty fun.

That sounds awesome. I wouldn't want to take care of kids if I live together with someone since I'm really awkward around them.

I also don't want to use up expenses for a ring, matching formal clothes, etc. The idea of even kissing in front of everyone around me feels forced to me so that's a big nope. I would probably save enough for things needed in a home, spend some on food or for traveling.

It's hard to say whether I'll actually go through with the marriage for tax benefits or not.

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I'd happily enter a platonic marriage or a civil partnership (of which I've never really understood the difference but that might be because I'm aro). I don't fancy living alone, I generally find I grow more as a person if I live with others be it family, friends, whoever! I also see the legal benefits and security with marriage. Obviously with all laws there's pros and cons, but I generally think that the legal recognition of marriage is ultimately to try and protect people's rights even if it doesn't work perfectly 100% of the time, the basic idea is for good even if no set up is perfect. 

Also, if I got married I plan to try on and possibly alter my mum's wedding dress, have a service at church as we start our lives officially together as partners in life, then a non-formal bbq! Basically all the formal rubbish is purely optional, and I'd only kiss in the same way that I'd kiss my family. Basically, it's what the partnership makes of it.

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